How to help miserable daughter with awful uni housemates

[TooCoolForScool]

My DD is 18 and started uni last month. She unfortunately didn’t make it into halls due to over subscription so we had a mad scramble finding her a house and four fellow student housemates

This we did by attending one of the uni’s find a housemate open day and it basically works by just wandering around and getting yourself into a group of 4/5/6 and then finding a house to rent as loads of you will no doubt know

She got together with four others, two boys and two girls and they all seemed to bond at first and get on well. All very friendly and chummy and lots of time chatting on the phone and she thought they were all best buddies etc etc despite me warning caution. They moved into the house and of course predictably problems have started

None of them have been away from home before and they’re being quite unpleasant to my DD. The girls are leaving her out of plans, openly bitching about her etc etc. I have her on the phone to me in tears at least three times a week. The biggest issue though is that two of them stay up until 3am every single night. Up and down the stairs, in and out of each other’s rooms and playing loud music. So my DD is existing on 4 hours sleep a night, this is literally every night. She’s asked them nicely not to but they don’t care.

I’ve spoken to her about resilience. I’ve talked at length with her about ignoring/ ear plugs/ being pleasant but keeping a distance/ not getting involved .. you name it, we’ve discussed it. I’ve sympathised and we’ve discussed alternative accommodation for next year but this doesn’t solve the issue now. She cannot come out of this tenancy really as A very expensive to do so and B students all sorted in houses now anyway so it’s. case of sticking it out but she’s getting more me more miserable

She’s enjoying her course so that’s something and she’s making friends on her course which I’m greatly encouraging her to do so and to keep them separate from her housemates which she’s trying to do.

So any advice for me? I know she’s technically an adult and I’m not some over bearing mother who wants to stem in and solve this myself. But it’s quite hard to stand by and I keep thinking there must be something I can suggest.

Its bloody miserable to be kept up until the early hours every single night as we all know and to be left out of parties and plans unless it suits them to invite her ...

Plus it drives me mad to have to listen to it all constantly 

[TooCoolForScool]

Doris oh yes. She needs to decide what to do and make a plan and be pro active. I can only do so much from a distance plus she has to learn these lessons to a certain extent

[MaybeBaby220218]

Hiya,
Apologies if this suggestion has already been made, I skimmed through the posts but might have missed it.

I graduated about 6 years ago but remember being in this situation and how horrible it was. Although I was effectively in my second year of uni, I was in the first year of my degree and had to move in with 2 strangers last minute as the two 'friends' I'd found a house with pulled out and as the sensible working one, I'd paid the deposit so was tied to the house for 6 months.
The two people I moved in with were an absolute nightmare, growing weed in their bedrooms, constantly really noisy, having 'wild' parties every night or arriving home from other people's wild parties in the early hours. I was very study focus and was working several jobs too so constantly felt knackered and whenever I spoke to them about it they said I was boring, etc and it caused lots of bitching and bad feeling.

I found that my landlord was my saviour when students services were unable to help...I spoke to him about wanting to leave the tenancy and explained the issues - as I had a good rapport with him he called a house meeting and said that neighbours had complained about the noise from the house (and also someone had spotted the herb garden they were growing!) and was giving us a warning. I don't know whether you have any form of relationship/contact with the landlord but that might be worth a shot, the thought of being out on their ear and out of pocket made my housemates buck up their ideas, a whole house warning meant that it didn't look like I was 'telling-tales' either.

I swiftly moved into my own (very small) flat for 2nd&3rd year!

I hope the situation gets sorted!

[bushybarnaby]

Hiya my son is at Brighton in his last year. He didn't get into halls either so a mad dash to find housing. Luckily he's still living with 3 of the original 5 he moved in with. He doesn't drink so he was lucky he found the great girls he did. I'm sure he'd be open to being a extra friend if you wanted to private message.

[Dontknowwhattodonowok]

No help but it’s still fairly early on in the semester. It will take a while for the novelty to wear off and for the work to start rolling in. I guarantee after Xmas the house will feel differently and there won’t be so much partying and coming and going.

[Blogwoman]

Just wanted to say I think it’s great that you’ve assured your daughter there’s a choice & that things don’t just have to stay as they are. We always say there’s always a plan B (& C...). I think when they 1st leave home they do need some support to think through solutions apart from anything else, & having the benefit of our experience.
for Jennie...how horrible

[TooCoolForScool]

Oh that might be nice Bushy thank you.

[TooCoolForScool]

Maybe - yes the landlord could be an ally to bear in mind. Good point

[SuburbanRhonda]

She needs to find the party animal in the boring nerdy house so she can switch.

What a nasty comment. She’s there to study and get the most out of uni - that’s being mature, not boring and nerdy. I’d have been furious if either of my DC had pissed their time at uni up against the wall.

[TooCoolForScool]

Rhonda- I agree. She's just normal. She likes going out and she likes a drink. But she fought hard to get to uni. We worked out that each lecture costs about 70 quid. So when you put it like that ...

And good point re things settling down after Christmas. This is what's holding me back in part at the moment because surely law degrees require commitment and work

[TooCoolForScool]

Blogwoman - I think that's spot on

[gandalf456]

I went through this. 6 weeks later. I hopped on a train home and 9pm at night and told my parents I'd left.

My mum was furious and sorted it out. My personal tutor even offered to put me up.

In the end, they found me a space in halls.

I loved my new housemates and had a great first year.

Phone the uni tomorrow and say your daughter's being bullied and on the verge of leaving and can they please help

[bushybarnaby]

The girls my son lives with all enjoy a party and drink etc but they all respect each other and understand everyone is different. They all rub along quite well. Sounds like these unkind girls need a bit more maturity on their side...

I think it helps that he looks after them when they are hanging lol

[bushybarnaby]

Oh and I've no idea where a private message would go on the app so if you send me one I will need instructions where to find it 🙈

[donajimena]

Who wrote the 'boring and nerdy' comment?
Grow the fuck up for goodness sake. I hope this gets resolved OP

[Doilooklikeatourist]

DDs in 3rd year now , but we went through this too
Student services .. there may well be a place in Halls after Christmas that she can swap to
Staying at a friends place for a night here and there to break the week up
When we had the floods of tears phone call it’s very difficult as a parent not to say , just come home ..
hopefully she’ll get a lovely share next year , just got to get through this year first

[Brighteyes27]

I haven’t read it all but would suggest she contact student services

1. for advice guidance and support. They can advise on counselling, confidence building and resilience coping strategies.
   
2. also ask DD to speak to her PAT (Personal, Academic Tutor). They won’t want her being unhappy, unable to focus on her course and risk her withdrawing.
   
3. she can put in a complaint formal or informal. Contact the SU in the first instance they usually have SU Advice Case Workers who are generally very good and can provide advice suggest a way forward. It sounds like low level bullying and harassment.
   
4. Do these house mates have a friend who they really get on well with who could maybe take her place and do any of her course friends have a room going? Do make sure it’s all done properly and officially though. Although it may be nice to have course friends and different house mates.
   
5. as others have said things could be very different by Christmas or just before when the Maintenance Loans are running out and or if some of these lot have a big fall out etc.
   
6. your poor DD unfortunately not everyone is nice and worthwhile but it’s dreadful if your living with people like this as you have no escape.

[packofshunts]

Ooh this thread sends shivers down my spine. Awful similar memories of my 3rd year sharing with 4 other girls,
3 of which were she-devils.

Constant conflict and don’t even get me started on the 24/7 shouting, door slamming, mega-decibel music, general drunken psychopathy!

Bad enough for a 1st year student but I was facing finals and on the same course as them!!!

Luckily mid-way through the
Spring term me and the other sane girl managed to get rooms in halls, which although noisy, was calm enough to see us through our exams.

That was 20 years ago and I still have nightmares! Do what you need to do to get her out.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

My DS had problems in his student flat. He was very upset and on the verge of leaving. I hold my hands up; I snooped on his phone and some of the messages they had sent him were absolutely vile. Think privileged public school types living up to every abhorrent stereotype. I imagine the boys may even have been chucked out if he'd reported them.
Anyhow, we sucked up the cost and moved him to a space in halls. He never had anything more to do with his ex flat mates and had a great Uni experience.
Obviously we were fortunate to be able to absorb the cost, but it was money well spent.

[TitaniasCloset]

Sometimes people who shouldn't really rent out rooms in their houses will rent them out cash in hand to help pay bedroom tax etc, perhaps she could look for ads in local shops or on gumtree. Then go have a look around and see how she feels. Perhaps living with an older person or family will be better for her. But I would keep on at the halls and the student support people. She can't carry on like this, she must be exhausted.

[dorislessingscat]

Please don’t phone her tutor yourself! Your daughter needs to do it herself, no matter how hard it is to stop yourself from intervening you really can’t.

[2014newme]

Op you haven't said whet she is on wait list for halls, spaces will come up. I didn't move to halls to term 2 as they were full, I lived in a shared house till then, hated it although my flat mates were fine

[TooCoolForScool]

She isn't on a waiting list for halls no but I am strongly encouraging her to get on one

I won't call her tutor. I've no intentions of calling the uni. I do intend to familiarise myself with the contract of the house though so that should be easy enough. I'll keep to finding that out and maybe speaking to the letting agency.

I'll encourage her to come to her own conclusions. She's living there not me so it's the choice she makes... cut losses as soon as possible, give it at least a term or so OR just stick it out full stop?

There's absolutely no point in steadily growing more unhappy though with these inconsiderate oafs

[PenelopeStoppit]

Haven't read the whole thread but I had an issue with a housemate when I was at uni. I spoke to the landlady who said she had another property with an available room and I could just move into that. Could that be an idea?

[gandalf456]

Why would it be bad for op to phone the tutor? It sounds as if the girl feels really stuck snd thinks the right thing to do is sit it out, which will make her miserable. She doesn't seem to have the knowledge, experience or confidence to turn to someone for support. I really think she needs an older, responsible adult to sort stuff for her. If my mum hadn't intervened snd told me to sort it myself,I'd have stayed and had a terrible year because I wouldn't have known where to start with getting out of a contract and finding somewhere new to live. I still think you need a lot of handholding at 18 - especially eith something this big