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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Non student in DDs halls!

202 replies

kittybiscuits · 04/09/2016 10:22

My DD has a place in halls and is moving next week. It was supposed to be a 5 person flat, but her new flatmate visited it this weekend and said it is 6 beds and an adult/non student male has already moved in and left a note saying he will be living there for 8 weeks. I'm not happy about this. She applied on the first day you could apply so it's not a last-minute place for her. Has anyone else encountered this? She thinks it sounds great. I don't.

OP posts:
RayofFuckingSunshine · 04/09/2016 12:44

Labelling someone a pedophile is not made better by excusing it as shorthand. It's disgusting.

Your daughter is an adult and it is 8 weeks. I assure you that during freshens she will get up to a lot worse than sharing a space with a grown man. Perhaps consider spending time teaching her about responsible drinking and safe sex, rather than causing a ruckus about something completely insignificant.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/09/2016 12:45

Yep. Sums it up perfectly.

HuskyLover1 · 04/09/2016 12:52

I can see how upon first hearing this, you might panic a bit. Especially if this is your first at Uni. But honestly, she will be fine. Her room will have a lock on it. If she's got an en-suite, even better (no need for 3am trips to a shared loo, for eg.) She won't be at any more risk from an older man, then her fellow male flat mates.

I moved my youngest into a 10 bed Uni managed flat yesterday. It's shared between 5 girls & 5 boys. Keycard locks on all bedrooms. Felt just like a hotel really, with the added benefit of a communal lounge/kitchen. But obviously no guarantee that one of the guys isn't a creep. What can you do? I am sure your daughter knows how to handle herself if she's hit upon by someone she doesn't fancy.

I bet you'll feel much better, once you've moved her in and seen the set up for yourself.

Once you've done that, try to chill out and not worry. I am by nature a worrier, but I've decided to just stop it. Both mine are at Uni now. DS is only 30 ins from home, but DD is 2.5 hours. I can't spend the next few years panicking about what "might" happen. Instead I'm going to embrace this next stage of life. Me and DH are only early 40's (him) and mid 40's (me), so young enough to have some real fun with less responsibility.

sashh · 04/09/2016 13:01

My DD is very shy and not very worldly-wise. I would imagine a lot of parents are comfortable with halls for the first year while the student finds their feet and wouldn't expect a non-student to be there. It was supposed to be a 5 bed flat but it is a 6 bed and he has the 6th room

I can easily see how this situation could be exploited by people who want to prey on teenagers, because though they are adults, they are still teenagers and not used to independent living, at least in my daughter's case.

This is your problem How has your dd got to 18 and not experienced anything of real life?

Balletgirlmum · 04/09/2016 13:13

Dd aged 14 stayed in uni halls over the summer whilst she did a summer school taster course. It's very common for them to be rented out.

Though strictly speaking students are classed as vulnerable adults as far as staff are concerned in that dh has had to be CRB checked (now DBS) when he taught degree students thigh some admittedly were aged 16 & 17.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/09/2016 13:15

How do we know that this man hasn't done a DBS check?

sophiestew · 04/09/2016 13:18

But why should he have a DBS check?

Has OP's DD had one? Have any of the other adults in the halls?

Balletgirlmum · 04/09/2016 13:18

We don't. But I don't think it's overly relevant considering other students (except teacher training/medical etc) also won't have been checked.

MatildaOfTuscany · 04/09/2016 13:19

Let me tell you a very sad story from my student days. A friend of mine got into a relationship with another student. He ended up anally raping her. She did not even realise it was rape, because she thought that saying "no" to one sort of sex when you'd had a different sort of sex was not the same sort of thing as saying "no" to sex altogether. Now, as it happened, this man was a mature student. But it wasn't his age that was the problem, it was the fact that he was a rapist - and he could as easily have been a 19 year old rapist as a 30-something year old rapist.

How does this sad story connect with you as a parent? Well, what led my friend not to even realise that a man forcing anal sex on her when she'd said no was rape? She came from a very conservative and religious background. Her parents' advice on sex outside marriage was quite simple, and quite wrong: "just don't". So when she started out having a sex life, she had to do so in secret, with no chance of talking to her parents for a mature, thoughtful perspective, and no idea that there might be any possible stance in between "save yourself for marriage" and "no-one misses a slice off a cut loaf" (ghastly metaphor, but one which sums up the polarised attitudes of that sort of mind set - you're either a virgin or a slut, no other possibilities recognised). She had no resources to set boundaries, no way to say "it is okay for me to enjoy sex, but that's the crucial thing - I get to say what's enjoyable and I get to turn down sex that I don't want." Her parents' attitude left her monumentally messed up and vulnerable.

Now I'm not for an instant assuming that you are like her parents - but please, don't go off the deep end about the wrong thing (age, which is entirely arbitrary and beside the point). Focus on the important thing - honest conversations with your daughter helping her to think through where her own boundaries are.

PikachuSayBoo · 04/09/2016 13:27

When I was in my second year at. I I shared a house with a load of other students and a 27yo bloke who wasn't a student but knew one of the other students. So yes he was a non student and older.

But it was fine. Certainly not a paedophile. Iirc he was a teacher so ironically probably was the only one who was DBS checked.

So apart from having tk fib to the council tax people it wasn't a problem. He didn't come across as being older. He came out drinking with us sometimes. We tried to keep the noise down late at night, he tried to be considerate early in tne morning from a noise pov.

PhoebeGeebee · 04/09/2016 13:27

Many years ago, my ex DP stayed in Uni accommodation as he was doing a short term unpaid internship, therefore needed somewhere relatively cheap to stay. He ended up doing a few weeks without students, and a few weeks with the freshers. Yes, he was an ancient 23 year old and only there to cramp their style....

I can't help but feel sorry for a guy who is going to meet a group of students with one of them already judging him as a potential sexual threat (because although your daughter might be fine with it, she will have picked up on the language you're using and your upset at this situation)

Also, when my ex was given his room, he was allocated anything that was free. He certainly didn't have a choice, so couldn't have requested a room with 5 other young girls. Can only assume this is the case with this situation.

Plus, it's eight (now seven) weeks. He's not there forever.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/09/2016 13:42

My point about the DBS is that we don't know why he is staying in the halls. The OP hasn't told us. If he works for the uni, he probably has a DBS. A lot of professions require a DBS.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 04/09/2016 13:48

Why would a DBS be required to live or work with adults? I work in a university and am not DBS checked, nor are my colleagues.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/09/2016 13:49

Some unis might require it. I don't know, I don't work at a uni.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 04/09/2016 13:49

Why do you immediately assume he's a paedophile? He may have needed somewhere to stay because of house moving issues or anything?!
I think you are massively over reacting and probably projecting your general worry for your daughter going off to uni.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/09/2016 13:50

Oh and a DBS could be for working with vulnerable adults.

OddBoots · 04/09/2016 13:55

I know some of the people dh has worked with have been living in halls when they first moved to the area and started work. Given a choice between a house share and halls (which is basically all some jobs would pay enough to afford)I think I would choose halls too. I had presumed that the halls had separate flats for professionals but maybe not.

NerrSnerr · 04/09/2016 13:55

Your Paedophile comment is absolutely shocking and you should be ashamed at jumping to such conclusions ( and why would one chose to live with adults if they're so predatory?)

Are you not concerned about the other adults she'll be living with? What if she goes to the pub and meets non students? What if she gets a job she'll have to mix with real people?

If she's that innocent you have some questions to answer about how she's been brought up.

a7mints · 04/09/2016 14:13

How do you know when the note was written? It might be months old and he's already gone, or will be before term starts.
If he is not a student and still there in term time then I would think this is not acceptable.The whole point of halls is that you are sharing with students!
For another thing how will it affect their status for council tax relief? Also the university would not be able to 'discipline' this residentfor any rule breaking which would worry me a lot as flats are often jointly fined.

CandODad · 04/09/2016 14:24

The only "discipline" involved in halls is go on students for barred activities or setting the fire alarm off.

Or do you have visions of Dumbledore popping along the halls to deduct ten house points if students are still playing beer pong at 1am?

fastdaytears · 04/09/2016 15:19

For another thing how will it affect their status for council tax relief?

This has been dealt with quite comprehensively...

Beeziekn33ze · 04/09/2016 15:47

I think OP is off having conniptions!

Balletgirlmum · 04/09/2016 15:49

There is no discipline in halls of residence. It's not a boarding school.

There may be fines/deductions associated with any residential letting a such as a op said like setting off the fire alarm or not leaving the accommodation in a clean state/causing damage.

But student or not status will not affect this.

And earlier I quoted the rules regarding council tax relief & university owned accommodation.

ShatnersBassoon · 04/09/2016 16:06

I'm all agog to find out what paedophile is shorthand for.

This is probably a man with limited funds doing some temporary work in the area, and I'd guess he's graduated from that university.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 04/09/2016 16:06

I was also wondering why your 18 year old is not worldly wise? Surely she's aware of coercion and how to say no?