Non student in DDs halls!

[kittybiscuits]

My DD has a place in halls and is moving next week. It was supposed to be a 5 person flat, but her new flatmate visited it this weekend and said it is 6 beds and an adult/non student male has already moved in and left a note saying he will be living there for 8 weeks. I'm not happy about this. She applied on the first day you could apply so it's not a last-minute place for her. Has anyone else encountered this? She thinks it sounds great. I don't.

[YawningKasm]

and an adult/non student male has already moved in and left a note saying he will be living there for 8 weeks

This is all that the OP knows about this person. Look, I'm as wary as the next person about creepy men, and difficult flatmates (been there, got the tshirt) but this is hysteria.

I'm almost feeling sorry for the poor bloke!

[Jasonandyawegunorts]

To be fair in the UK it's impossible for men to be raped by women, as unlike the US it's about penatration rather than consent.

[EddieHitler]

If school janitors get police checks then so should people living in halls.

School janitors (or caretakers as we know them) are police checked because they work with children.

University students aren't children, nor would they be classed as vulnerable adults. They are just adults.

If all adults entering halls had to be police checked, that would include 18 year old freshers along with any 'strange' 50 year old non-student.

All sounds very expensive and unnecessary.

[MoreCoffeeNow]

It's not really any of your business, really. DD is an adult now. Stop mollycoddling her.

[fluffiphlox]

I think you (or better still, your adult daughter) need to get the full facts before you get the screaming ab-dabs.

[Dizzydodo]

Halls of residence isn't boarding school OP, it's a random collection of adults who (for the most part) are university students. That doesn't mean they're all 18 year olds away from home for the first time - I'm not quite sure what makes this man different to any of the other men who live in the halls, other than the fact he might be less tolerant of late night noise if he is working, but plenty of students work as well as studying or do courses with work placements (or just don't like to stay up late and party!). I think you need to remember your DD is an adult living with other adults - you don't have as much control now as when she was at school.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Actually thinking about it my best friend used to sometimes stay in university accommodation.

She's married, in her thirties, a GP and worked as a visiting lecturer for medicine. (Is now a fellow so has permanent digs at the university.)

Am guessing she wouldn't worry you quite so much!

Seriously though, the person most likely to rape your daughter is the lovely 18 year old lad who lives next door, whose room she happily pads in and out of in her nightie, who she gets drunk with, who she completely trusts to get her home safely at night. Except it won't be called rape. It will be called "a misunderstanding".

[CandODad]

If this is a concern then I would be more worried about the randoms that girls bring back to halls. You do realise that in some places uni students are told about the locals (male and female) that use freshers week for "fresh sport"? These (from your point of view) are more risky then anyone that the university are aware about and have allowed to use the facilities.

[onadifferentplanet]

Can you tell us what he is actually doing in the area? I presume you must know if you know all the things he isn't.

[sophiestew]

Most unis rent out unused rooms, it's perfectly normal. A friend of mine who is a gigging musician often uses uni halls when he is touring as it cuts down costs. Why would he be more likely to be a sexual predator than an 18/19 year old?

This kind of set up usually consists of six lockable rooms and a shared common space such as a kitchen. Would you be worried if DD was staying in a hotel alone OP, because this is pretty much the same thing.

You come across as having fairly serious ishoos with men in general.

[Cashewnutts]

Jason by the UKs legal definition of rape then, no, a man (or woman) cannot be raped by a woman. However, that does not mean a person cannot be drugged/coerced or sexually assaulted by a woman.

[Jasonandyawegunorts]

that does not mean a person cannot be drugged/coerced or sexually assaulted by a woman.

You are correct, but unfortunately, until the law is changed, this isn't rape.

[OurBlanche]

1. No coincil tax implicatins, OPs DD is in halls
   

1. The spare rooms in all halls can be rented out as and when they are empty. OPs DD will be told when to empty her room and vacate it so it can be used for conventions, holiday tours, etc. Using the unpaid days of any and all rooms is one way the Unis try to keep the cost of Halls down/mke a profit.
   

1. DH is a dirty workman - has degreee, is professional, but works 'on the tools'. When there is too much else going on, say festivals etc, and he can't get hotel/B+B rooms, he always check the local colleges/Unis and, 2 or 3 times a year, will stay in Halls.
   

DH is 50+, short, round, has close cropped dark hair and has a face that screams "Fuck Off" (or whatever the male Resting Bitch Face might be called) and has never had a problem with students he has come across, male or female. Far from thinking he will rape them in their beds, they tend to take him under their wings, show him the best bars, places to eat!

As quite a few others have said, this really isn't unusual. Just not all that well known to people whose work does not involve ad hoc travel!

[AlpacaPicnic]

It's the second and third year students - both male and female - your daughter needs to be aware of.

Oh, and the lecturers, both make and female.

And the support staff, library staff, bar workers, technicians...

Oh and not forgetting the public who can freely use the campus grounds, library etc... Are there any shops nearby? Book sellers? Heavens, it's going to be a whirlwind of new people.

[Fairenuff]

Hopefully OP, you will have calmed down a little now and be able to look at the situation more objectively.

Try to pinpoint exactly what it is that is bothering you. Unless your dd specifically asked for a room in a single sex flat, why would you object to males sharing the flat?

That's where you need to start. My dd shared with three female and two male flatmates. This is normal in halls. What is it that you are concerned about exactly?

[GnomeDePlume]

I think the OP is suffering the same shock my DM did when she discovered that the Hall I was moving into was not single sex. My DM had fondly imagined that my Hall would be like the nursing Hall she had stayed in in the 1950s. That we would be brewing up cocoa and being tucked up by the warden once the Light Programme had finished.

Oh how wrong she was!

[MatildaOfTuscany]

Kitty, your daughter is every bit as likely to have trouble (or indeed not have trouble) with a fellow 18 year old student of the sort who rampages round town with the rugby club chanting "any hole's a goal", or with a 55 year old mature student as she is with a man who happens not to be a student. What you can do which might be of help to her is sit her down and talk about personal boundaries and how it's okay to say "no" to any requests she's not comfortable with (whether those are sexual, or in other parts of her life - such as the flatmate who moves their partner in and starts monopolising the shared facilities, or the flatmate who starts using your daughter as an emotional crutch, or...) There are a lot of bits of young independent adulthood you could usefully offer her support with and offer to act as a sounding board on... but panicking about a random bloke brought in to stop the hall making a loss on the accommodation when in actual fact any male students she ends up sharing with are, at this stage, also random blokes isn't going to be particularly helpful.

[sleepwhatsleep]

When was the last time you heard of a case where a man of any age was raped by a woman?

Well Vestal it does happen. I hope none of your male friends ever come to you for support if it happens to them. You'll probably tell them its the tooth fairy, yes?

[sleepwhatsleep]

When I was a university student living in halls in 2009 I lived with a 28 year old PHD student, and next door was a 27 year old university student who decided to live in halls.

I was doing a course which was outside of usual university term time so I was there during the long summer break once most students had left. They rented the rooms out to 15-16 year olds for one weekend as part of a 'uni experience' day, another weekend they were hosting a convention and people of all ages rented out the rooms.

At one time the block next to mine was used for overseas teaching staff while they waited to find themselves somewhere. They probably had students mixed in with them too.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

No one warned me about the 3rd year vice chair of the society I joined. After several months and multiple occasions of me drinking him under the table, he coerced me into dating him. Several years and one rather unexpected pregnancy later, I now call him my DFiancé. If only somebody had warned me when I first met him.

He was 22 when he used to come and stay in my halls. I had a flat mate who used to bring any randomer home after a night out. At least you and the uni know that he is there.

[trufflepiggy]

I hope he's 18-25 and turns out to be your DDs best friend/boyfriend ...

How do you know he won't be a great person?

[bloomburger]

Imagine if the guy looks like the Diet Coke man and has 5 teenage girls ogling him for the 8 weeks he is there. He may feel intimidated and sexually objectified.

Just trying to put a different spin on the old adage that all men are obviously raging paedophiles!

[Coffeewith1sugar]

OP your probably a very caring parent to the point your becoming slightly a bit paranoid and over thinking things. Which is understandable. But your going to have to let go and trust all the other people your dd is ever going to meet. The thing is she will be in social situations far more riskier than living with a non student man eg pubs, clubs, festivals late night walk home etc.. she will fine. Don't let your negative thoughts overtake the rational side of things. I guess she will only be sharing the kitchen and bathroom. He's not sharing her bedroom. To be honest having someone older and more mature is maybe a good thing. Embrace the idea that she will be with people of all different walks of life, old and young and not with just people like herself. It will a good experience. My DD was the shy and introverted type and do you know the best thing that ever happened was her going out there and not being with us. I would rather her see her grow in confidence then be always worried about who's shes with etc..

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

so the facts are

student daughter has room in SIX bed flat, not five bed
no confimation of mixed/single sex status of halls
new flatmate (male or female?) has read a note
man of unknown age (also non student) will be in his own room for 8 weeks
mother is freaking not happy and needs to review her vocab knowledge
daughter is fine with it