Challenges of having a G&T child.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

How has it been for you? DS is only 4 but already I’m feeling like I have to be apologetic all the time or play down his abilities. Some other parents are genuinely curious but most either assume I’m exaggerating or assume I’ve been crazily hot-housing him. I’ve found this with kindergarten teachers too. Since I moved him to Montessori it’s been fantastic, but I’m worried about him starting primary school. I don’t want to go back to being looked at like I’m the crazy mum who won’t “just let him be a child”. It’s as though I wouldn’t love for him to run around and go down the slide again and again and again instead of trying to read books to uninterested kids at the park. Actually no, I love him just how he is and wouldn’t change him for the world, but I’m not solely responsible for those traits. How do other people deal with it?

I tend not to mention DD's achievements, except to my friend whose DS is finally back in the year above, because the school thinks he can hack it (LD), although apparently they don't think he could manage SATs. She knows I'm not bragging, I'm just proud.

Why are you putting him in situations where he doesn't know the social norms and gets it wrong? It's not normal for anyone to read books to people who aren't interested, certainly not kids in the in the park. He obviously doesn't realise this, so shouldn't you be guiding him, or simply not having him access to books in a park to read to other kids.

Don't non 2E G&T kids at that age simply present as articulate and interested kids, so unless they're displaying unusual behaviour, there's nothing for other adults to see or comment on.

Try not to worry too much. He'll probably catch up with the social development of his peers in time, just as they'll catch up with his reading level: all kids develop at different rates in different areas. Also, try not to worry about what the other Mums think, some may be judging him on his social awkwardness, some on his excellent reading, but it all works itself out.

I think if you focus on complimenting other people's children, it needn't cause tensions with other mums. Don't worry about what they think of yours or any assumptions they might make about your parenting.

Focus on his social skills and building rapport & empathy.
Lots of outdoor activities, fresh air.
Even at 4 he shouldn't be trying to read books to uninterested kids at the park

As for school, start him playing an instrument, or chess, or art - broaden his activities and find things he can't do easily to build his resilience and patience for learning. Don't just let him focus on reading/maths.

Even at 4 he shouldn't be trying to read books to uninterested kids at the park

To be fair, the kid was interested at first. He just didn’t understand DS’s words and explanations (it was a non-fic about volcanoes) so the kid lost interest and ran off.

simply not having him access to books in a park

Well, no, I wouldn’t deny him access to books. What kind of parent would? He has younger twin sisters and sometimes he doesn’t want to be dragged to the park but they need to be able to do these things, so if he wants to read a book in the fresh air while his sisters play I’m not going to stop him.

He has a lot of interests and I think he will thrive once he has access to more learning than is available at kindergarten. He loves going to the art gallery, he loves playing in the park and going for big walks, he loves music and animals and heaps of other stuff. He just happens to find reading and maths very easy.

The kindergarten are well aware of his social skills and are working on it. We’re on a waiting list to get him into a social skills group. He’s fine with older children and adults, it’s just that his peers don’t understand what he’s talking about.

I came to the G&T board looking for parents who can relate. I came here because I get judged in real life for having an advanced child. Yet here I am being told I should let him out without books as though I don’t already do that. This is exactly my problem.

Does anyone here have a G&T child?

It’s as though I wouldn’t love for him to run around and go down the slide again and again and again instead of trying to read books to uninterested kids at the park.

If you would love this so much then how about not bringing books to the park?

My kids also love books, I think that's pretty standard for bright children. But I understand that their physical and social development is also an essential part of growing up.

Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but I am trying to start a discussion about the experience of having a G&T child, not about the ways in which I parent my child. This has been a perfect example of what I’m talking about though.

Gorgon, see above.

Oh dear op. You're not listening.

This is about you guiding him about social norms, for example just gently suggesting that if he's asked to go to the park, maybe that that's what you do.

If he's got his head into his volcanos book, then make his park games about the volcanoes. Plan your escape from Mt St Helens aka the slide.

He needs you to gently explain though that other kids might not enjoy his books quite yet, and just to go easy with them. It's hard when they are only small but he will look to you for this and you need to help him to guage the feelings and reactions of others.

My daughter is very bright. She's reception, still 4 and there's a disparity between her academic ability and emotional maturity because her brain and body just aren't quite matching up.
I spend a lot of time explaining that her friends might not want to do x yet, but maybe ask if they'd like to do y instead? And that what's fun for you isn't fun for everyone. It's really hard but empathy is a key skills they need to learn.

I think maybe what other posters are getting at is the way you are parenting your child will impact the challenges that having a G&T child brings? I understand that you don't want to deprive your DS of books but there is a time and place for everything and allowing him to bring a book into an environment not designed for reading may create additional challenges in terms of your son socialising with other kids. The other children will almost certainly be there to play on the equipment and run around whereas if your DS was at the library then him reading a book to his peers may be better received.

IME some of the G&T children I know feel most comfortable when they are doing something that allows them to interact with their peers in a way where their intelligence gives then the advantage e.g. talking to peers about specialist subjects, reading books to children that can't yet read. They struggle more when the activity isn't based on intelligence and is just playing with other children as equals. I've seen this really throw children who just don't know how to socialise in this way. If your son does have this issue I hope the additional support you've acquired will help as in the cases of the DC i know that seem to have this trait it does tend to get more pronounced as the DC ages which can cause all types of issues

just gently suggesting that if he's asked to go to the park, maybe that that's what you do. I do. Every single day. We spend a lot of time doing all that emotional and physical development. I don’t understand why people are suggesting I don’t do that. There is no basis for that suggestion at all.

Gorgon, no, you’re not understanding. We do work on his emotional and physical development. Constantly. Again, there’s no reason for the suggestion we don’t.

Bright is one thing. I’m talking about G&T kids. I am here because parents of G&T kids are usually the only ones who get this.

I think maybe what other posters are getting at is the way you are parenting your child will impact the challenges that having a G&T child brings?

And that’s fine on another thread. The thing is m, I’m on top of that. We’re working with a paediatrician and he’s doing really well. What I want is other parents who actually understand to talk to.

I found that the best thing to do when they were four was to work on their social skills (using role play and social stories) so that they interacted well with their peers, and had plenty of friends in school. It's very important to boys to be able to 'run with the pack' and not stand out, to be the same as others. I know other parents that have had their AMA boy refuse all learning because they didn't want to be different, the odd one out. With my DD, it was easier because a) she's extremely gregarious, b) she's a strong character that isn't afraid of dancing to her own beat, and if others didn't want to, she was not put out at all.

My DD doesn't take books to the park. Before or after school, or in bed, are times and places for reading.

Part of your problem op is your attitude, and the fact that you assume that other parents here don't understand.

I was labelled gifted and talented myself as a kid (and have the multiple degrees and the psychiatric history to prove it) and would never attach a label like that to my own children.

'bright' is just fine. And actually all that matters to me is that they're happy.

Does anyone here have a G&T child?
yes
and it's been a bumpy ride. trying to help you here OP.

So firstly you appear to assume G&T only applies to those with a gift in academic areas - ones who (perhaps also) have a gift in physical would not be reading a book to a kid in the park, and I think any parent would see it as normal that they should not be demonstrating backflips to other kids in the library, so would stop them, the same as I think you should be guiding your child away from the reverse.

I'm saying, I don't relate to your problems of having a G&T because DD presents as a clever, articulate, interested kid and doesn't do anything socially odd to make conversations happen. There's never a need to apologise or talk her down to other parents, because other parents can't ever accuse me of exaggerating since they either see it themselves or they never know about it as it doesn't need bringing up.

As to hot-housing, again no-one has ever brought it up, perhaps though that is because her physical and social skills don't need work, so they just see a balanced kid, or maybe it's just because it's never come up, and they're just thinking it.

My parents were very good, very supportive of my expertise, but also good and encouraging of balance, and I still spent way too much of adolescence defined by gift and the direction it took me. I don't know if I'd been happier or more successful had my obsessions been guided differently, but I certainly know that being "X Fred", shaped my direction in a way I now regret.

My Dnephew is gifted and i think it has been challenging for his parents because he is very 'in your face'. They have been working with school (he is 5) to help him interact more reasonably with his peers. That has been his learning curve. Bright and gifted kids will be drawn to books and learning and will ask a million questions a minute. And though you don't want to quash that it's also massively important to help them to learn what is appropriate. Good luck!

If I understand you correctly OP, you are not looking for ways in which to (better) support your child, emotionally/socially/academically. You are looking for support for yourself - people you can talk to who have similar experiences, as you find you cannot talk about your child to parents who don't have gifted children as you usually are judged. Challenges you experience in your social circle, not challenges regarding how to deal with your child's needs. Is that right?

My children are probably not 'gifted' though DS is pretty able. I find it quite difficult when someone says something to me such as 'Oh, your DS is so clever at x' or 'I'm not surprised he's good at y'. It feels mildly confrontational, as if they're looking to see how I will react - will I minimise my DS' achievements? Seems to be the expected thing to do (he has been lucky/he has been working hard (as opposed to just picking it up easily, which seems offensive to some)/he's not really that good at it/...) Or will I make the mistake of bragging? I don't want to minimise his achievements nor do I want to be seen as bragging, so I usually try to evade somehow. But I am sort of a literal person and generally find evasion hard, my natural reaction is to try to respond precisely to the question asked/statement made. But when I do, people judge me for 'bragging', I feel.

I also observe quite a lot of bonding happening between parents over complaints/moaning about how hard/time consuming e.g. school homework is, but cannot join in with that as DS gets away with minimal effort/time investment and still gets great results.

But if I were to moan about how DS is left to coast I would get a very different reaction.

Is that the kind of thing you mean?

On G&T board here you sometimes can just 'moan' and talk about the challenges you experience, but often people try to actually help/give advice, and you cannot really blame them for that. As happened here - PPs were genuinely trying to be helpful I think, addressing some of the things you mentioned, whereas you seem to not be looking for advice, if I understand you correctly.

I'm going to try and be gentle. My df has a g&t dc. They too would have taken books to the park and my bright (but average) ds would soon lose interest being followed around having complicated information explained to him. Df basically indulged his every interest and whim, focusing so heavily on his 'talents' that other things almost seemed forgotten.
Her ds is now 14, still incredibly bright but with poor life/social skills my own ds is no longer friends with him.
I think if my df had her time again, she wouldn't have focused on the g&t side of things quite so heavily

yes and it's been a bumpy ride

That’s the bit I want t to hear about.

I would take the book off him and tell him to go and play on the slide.

I disagree and think it's sad that we are saying taking a book to the park is inappropriate. I have stopped mine getting out the library books there due to potential damage but otherwise.
Clearly however it's important for kids to notice that others dont want to listen.
Also i think as lots of 4yo are already in school and reading it wouldnt strike me as g&t to see one reading.
It may be that others think seeing young children reading is showing off.
I do agree with the pp that kids can enjoy reading etc to others who cant. But then im sure they enjoy cycling before their friends too or handstands.
Would people be stopping a 4yo getting out their cuddly toy in the park for fear of what other kids would think.