Challenges of having a G&T child.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

How has it been for you? DS is only 4 but already I’m feeling like I have to be apologetic all the time or play down his abilities. Some other parents are genuinely curious but most either assume I’m exaggerating or assume I’ve been crazily hot-housing him. I’ve found this with kindergarten teachers too. Since I moved him to Montessori it’s been fantastic, but I’m worried about him starting primary school. I don’t want to go back to being looked at like I’m the crazy mum who won’t “just let him be a child”. It’s as though I wouldn’t love for him to run around and go down the slide again and again and again instead of trying to read books to uninterested kids at the park. Actually no, I love him just how he is and wouldn’t change him for the world, but I’m not solely responsible for those traits. How do other people deal with it?

I wouldn't take the book away because I was worried what people would think. I'd take a book away for the same reason I'd take an ipad away. If we are in the park then it's time to run around and play with siblings or friends.

Don't take books to the park would be a good start. He's FOUR. He should be running about and enjoying imaginative play. He may be very bright, but he'll get behind in social/creative skills if he doesn't have a chance to practise them.

Brilliotic, it’s exactly what you said. Thank you! It’s been really brought home lately because we’ve been touring schools trying to find one appropriate for DS. I don’t want him streamed into a top class where he’s pressured to do well, and I don’t want him to be bored and lose interest at school because he’s not interested and not being taught at an appropriate level. I try to talk to prospective teachers and get the “we’ve heard it all before” face. Then other parents tell me their kids are advanced and I think, finally someone who understands, but when they find out about DS their faces drop and I find myself playing it down.

I genuinely do appreciate helpful comments but this has been really difficult for some time. I am very, very well aware of the areas where he needs support and I spend so much of my life trying to get that all in place for him. I would just love to hear from other people who know what this is like. It’s very isolating.

I have had two g and t kids and never found it isolating. I'm not sure what it is you find so isolating about it? All kids are different surely you just make friends with women you like?

He doesn't need support he needs you to stop taking it all so seriously!! Take him to the park, teach him not to be rude, help him judge social situations

OP, I think you are making it isolating and seeing a problem that just isn't there. My DC are both gifted and yes, occasionally they got bored at school when doing the core subjects.

However, they had lots to learn about making friends, being independent, coping with different types of people, sharing, taking turns etc etc etc. They also had PE, art, languages, music, class assemblies etc where they didn't always excel and another child got to have their moment which is also an important lesson for them to learn.

I think you need to relax a bit and see the bigger picture.

The book thing is so over the top. If he’s been at kindergarten for 5 hours and just wants some quiet time who can blame him? His sisters just wake up from their nap at that time and want to go play. Telling him to go and play when he’s spent the last 5 hours socialising and has had enough would be counterproductive.

It’s not an everyday occurrence for him to take a book to the park and his imaginative play is very, very well developed. Again, I don’t know why people automatically assume this isn’t the case.

Then other parents tell me their kids are advanced and I think, finally someone who understands, but when they find out about DS their faces drop and I find myself playing it down.

I would bet every penny to my name that their faces don't "fall" because they've "found out" about your son.

What exactly do you think they've "found out" and how do they find it out?

Unless he's won a Nobel prize there is nothing to "find out".

Preferring books about volcanoes to going on the slide is normal for many children.

What a bizarre world view you have and it's going to have a very negative impact on your son unless you start to listen to what others are saying.

It is isolating. dd is doing A levels now, so we've come out of the other side of it.

I learned just to ask friends about how their dc are getting on and change the subject about dd because the conversation would rapidly grow very awkward. People would raise her ability in conversation and I would squirm. People who didn't know me very well would assume that I was hot housing her. I really wasn't, she just seemed to magically be able to do stuff like read and I have no clue how.

The infant school years were the worst. The years when people found it interesting as to what books their child were reading. I do understand looking back that it was natural that they wanted to know if their kids were doing ok, or more than ok, but when your dc is reading the Famous Five in Year R it's a bit of a conversation stopper if you answer honestly. They were years when I was looking for friendships and it did make things more awkward.

I still do squirm actually, even though I am so proud of her. To me, her giftedness is just a tiny part of who she is and actually not a very important part. But conversations that involve mentioning her are often skewed towards that part of her. I have really good friends now though who have seen her grow up and can see the whole of her personality, so it is much much easier.

OP, you were the one who said he's reading books to children at the park instead of going down the slide. You implied he didn't quite know how to act in the park.

Try not mentioning his incredible abilities to other parents and see how that goes! Remember other people are invariably far less interested in your children's achievements than you are.

I think you need to relax a bit and see the bigger picture

I’m certainly hoping that will be the case when he starts school. Schools have changed a lot since I went but I remember being more advanced than my peers and just writing school off. It seemed utterly pointless. I would hate for him to feel like that and it does make me worry. We’ve found an ideal school for him now (I think) so things are looking up. It would have been nice during the process to have some other parents to talk to about it.

I was so clever that I featured in a newspaper article. It's never once been particularly helpful since leaving uni. I'm amazing at quizzes and that's about it.

I'll never cease to be surprised by how rude some people can be on Mumsnet!

The OP mentioned one occasion when her child brought a book about volcanoes with him on a trip to the park... move on people!

Gorgon, for someone who was supposedly G&T you have a hard time following. I’m not suggesting he’s G&T because he likes volcanoes, and actually he does like going on the slide too. When your 2 year old can read and the other kids don’t know any letters you do tend to get judged, yes. You don’t have G&T kids, and lots of us have several degrees, so what exactly are you contributing? If you don’t have anything helpful to add then run along and stop trying to derail the thread.

it’s a bit of a conversation stopper if you answer honestly

Heehee, exactly this! I’m so glad to hear it improved though. When do you think it got easier? His old kindergarten called a field officer in because he was miserable there and she said he just basically has to wait for the kids to get to his level. It’s been so much better since we moved him over to Montessori though.

Thanks Mare.

I'm amazing at quizzes and that's about it.

I’d imagine you can earn good money (or at least free pints) being like that.

What helped me (and my child, a girl, is probably just really bright not G&T) was meeting, at the school gates, someone whose child, a boy, was like mine and thank all the coincidences in the cosmos, her child was in the same class as my child. We became very good friends, our children became very good friends. Finally, they had each other to talk to about how far the sun is from the earth and whether they could calculate the distance to neptune etc...

Mine is probably slightly better at social interaction and now they are older (Y4) they socialise with different people but they still book swap, still chat about stuff that other children are not interested in and defend each other to the hilt.

For me though, I met my best friend at the school gates. We can talk about our children, be proud of our children, talk about how annoying our children are with each other. My life would be poorer without my friend.

Enb, that’s a lovely post. I think my DS would adore your DD. The advice seems to be pick a bigger school so they’ll have more opportunity to meet with someone they connect with like that. We have gone for a bigger school but also one with heaps of lunch time clubs with lots of things he’s interested in. Hope it works.

And before anyone jumps on me, yes, he is allowed to go out and play at lunch time if that’s what he wants to do.

I find the easiest way to deflect is to talk about how much DC enjoy things. Your DS is very good at maths isn't he? Oh, well, he really enjoys it. How is DD doing at her new school? Oh, she's really enjoying it and seems to have settled well into a new routine. Etc, etc, etc.
It doesn't threaten anyone, there's no perceived bragging, who on earth could go on to say children shouldn't enjoy things?

That told you Gorgon!

Thoth, good advice. It’s not the sort of thing I usually mention anyway, it has just come up a lot lately looking for schools and leaving his old kindergarten. Hopefully when everyone’s settled in it won’t be such an issue. I will remember that though.

there's no perceived bragging

That is really the problem though. I love to hear how well friends’ kids are doing. I wouldn’t even think about accusing them of bragging, but even if they were, isn’t it just nice that they’re proud?

I would just bear in mind reading is one skill, that you only need to learn once. Once the others can read too it all becomes about understanding/inference etc and just because they picked up the reading easily doesnt mean they will pick up the other aspects so easily.
I think a lot of people dont teach their 2yo to read or do phonics. So it's difficult to make a comparison. Just as 5yo (60m) just learning on starting yr r is not less bright than a 4yo reading fluently at (60m) at the end of the year, as they are Aug born.
Nor a 60m old starting school reading fluently.
I think this is an interesting aspect to 'reading ages' etc as dd would have an 8 or 9+ at 6yo (72m) but is in the class with nearly 7yo so that would not sound 'so impressive' for them. But theyve have the same amount of teaching.
Anyway it's certainly nice having an early reader they can amuse themselves for hours, something they can do in the car and gives them more info about the world (so possibly then asking more/less q).

You are coming across slightly, erm, aggressively OP.
This was my post from page 1:
Try not to worry too much. He'll probably catch up with the social development of his peers in time, just as they'll catch up with his reading level: all kids develop at different rates in different areas. {flowers} Also, try not to worry about what the other Mums think, some may be judging him on his social awkwardness, some on his excellent reading, but it all works itself out.

G+T is a special education need just as much as developmental delay. It needs just as much help and the children affected are just as much 'outside the bell-shaped curve' as the children at the other end.

The other parent's faces fall because you are 'being proud' of your son's reading when they just wanted to chat about , well normal stuff. If they aren't standing their 'being proud' about the fact that their kid is the fastest and the bravest, why would they want to spend time with you 'being proud' about your child's special talent?

I'm guessing that your DS is your first or only child? I think that your perception of what parents talk about may be coloured by your pointed focus on your own child.

I am Mum/SM to 5 kids, of which 3 are/were considered G+T. I stand by my initial statement. Don't look for Mums to share the G+T experience with. Just do the best you can for your son. Teach him to enjoy all kinds of things. By aged 10 the rounded G+T kids are really good at (at least) 3 different things.