Challenges of having a G&T child.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

How has it been for you? DS is only 4 but already I’m feeling like I have to be apologetic all the time or play down his abilities. Some other parents are genuinely curious but most either assume I’m exaggerating or assume I’ve been crazily hot-housing him. I’ve found this with kindergarten teachers too. Since I moved him to Montessori it’s been fantastic, but I’m worried about him starting primary school. I don’t want to go back to being looked at like I’m the crazy mum who won’t “just let him be a child”. It’s as though I wouldn’t love for him to run around and go down the slide again and again and again instead of trying to read books to uninterested kids at the park. Actually no, I love him just how he is and wouldn’t change him for the world, but I’m not solely responsible for those traits. How do other people deal with it?

OP As you aren't in the UK can I just check that you are aware that here in the UK G+T is a tag for children in the top 5% in primary school who warrant special help to either help them excel in an area of special talent or help them fit in because their focus in one particular area of interest has perhaps taken focus from other areas of development(hence the comments about socialisation.

Also. this bit from your OP Some other parents are genuinely curious but most either assume I’m exaggerating or assume I’ve been crazily hot-housing him. is what suggested to me that you weren't talking about usual stuff with other parents.

I wasn’t going to come back tonight but I’m glad I did. Thanks for all the lovely and helpful replies.

Just to be clear, I pretty much never bring this up with other mums. A couple have told me their children are advanced and so I said mine is too, but then I get quizzed. It’s annoying though when people ask how he settled in a kindergarten and I can’t just say “he’s not being challenged so he’s bored and he hates it”.

The majority of the children in my daughter's year are from scientific, computing or other academic backgrounds so there was always a fair probability that my child would find equals and more than that, children who are better academically than her.

This is an interesting point. I live in a fairly affluent yet also bohemian area so the parenting styles differ greatly. Kind of, well-educated parents who want to go a bit off the grid. There are a few Steiner schools about and a lot of free range parenting and “play is everything” types. And that’s fine, but my DS also has the classic G&T love for rules and justice so schools that accommodate that style of parenting would be incredibly unpleasant for him. Your DD sounds brilliant btw. You must have so many interesting conversations with her.

Lady that’s sad to hear about your feeling of isolation. From what I can tell it’s not uncommon with G&T kids. Your DS is lucky to have you to help him. It’s this kind of experience that is invaluable.

Brie, no ASD but that’s definitely something that was looked into and professionally ruled out.

of course DS bought a book and then proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon standing IN the paddling pool ignoring his friend and reading this interesting new book he had got

Sorry but I find that utterly adorable. I get where you’re coming from about the social skills but that’s very cute.

I’m going to sleep now and this took me a while to type so I’ve probably missed a few responses. I won’t read any more just now because I want to end the night on a positive note. Some of these stories are lovely and it’s nice to hear how well lots of your children are doing.

DD is G&T and it was hard, I had nothing to compare her to, didn't know what was "normal" - she has two younger brothers and I found things much easier with them despite DS1 being 2e with ASD and ADHD. The first inkling I had that she was unusual was at her 2 year check, where the HV said "you shouldn't be teaching her so much at home, she needs time to play and be a child". I'd never taught her anything in her life that meant sitting down and "learning" :o

It remained hard in infants (Montessori preschool was amazing though!). There were parent volunteers who listened to the children read in class, I remember one of them approaching me in the playground and giving me the third degree about what DD read, what level books she was reading, etc etc. I have never answered this type of question directly - always given a "I'm not sure what reading level she is, is that what the coloured dots on the books are for?", "she's doing OK, how about X?" or "she really loves the school, I'm so glad she got a place here" or similar.

I remember doing a lot of role play with her, trying to explain that most of the others kids weren't interested in playing her games yet (make believe, very complicated rules!) and would rather chase around playing it, or play mums and dads, and so on. I played her, she played the people she wanted to be friends with, and I demonstrated things she could say to them. It felt hard, and isolating, and I get it.

IME it does get easier with age - the other children sometimes close the gap a bit, socially they're all able to play complicated games if they want to, and it's lovely having a child who can talk to you about all sorts of topics. But kids are generally very accepting, it's the other parents who are a pain :o her classmates know she will usually know the answer, nobody seems to resent her for it.

We were lucky though, her year at school is an exceptional cohort, and there are 3 others at about her level, and the top 15 or so are truly flying - all are off to superselective grammar schools in September.

See I wouldn't' find the reading in the paddling thing cute, if it were my kid I would find it extremely worrying. Because, chance are, that kid is not going to be invited on another play date.

I would be chatting to the host mum, giving her carte blanche to remove books and chivvy Tink junior along to play nicely in future. And I would be having lots of conversations with Tink junior about expected and kind, non selfish play date behaviour.

Of course we would talk about the exciting book, that goes without saying.

I'm glad you are back OP.
I know it's a while off for you yet, but I can't stress the importance of finding the best secondary school for your ds.

I suppose it was easier for us as dd gift isn't a core subject or academic, usually taken as extra curricular. Although easier at school it was far harder excelling in all the outside school groups.
There were times she told me she felt like a freak and it was obvious she was miles ahead of even the older 6th forms, when she was 8.

She is still with the older 6th forms now, but she is also with others who are just as gifted as herself, and she is challenged in many ways.

I was accused of being a tiger mum to those who didn't know we had two normal average children, now grown up.
They were convinced she was an only child I had had late in life, and spoiled.

My pet hate is when people say "You must be so proud" How do you answer that?
I'm proud of her determination, motivation, ambition, dedication, effort etc. Not that she can do what she does, a gift is worth nothing if you don't do anything about it.

i have name changed subtly -

re other parents, firstly age 4-7 was the worst time for other parents comments/questions ime. Every parent is anxious about their child starting school, wants them to do well and frankly most panic, especially if PFB, if other kids are doing better. A mixture of working parent guilt / "wasted" preschool years etc. so get ready for it.
The best way is to simply deflect.
You'll be asked a million times when he started reading, best to say "i honestly can't remember, we didn't realise for ages, thought he was memorising words etc..."

A child reading Harry Potter (as dd was) in R stands out hugely from other kids learning in, at, am, the. I was regularly stopped in the street/supermarket by parents who had heard dd read in class. It's quite easy to alienate yourself from the other parents. Best just to deflect.

Was less of an issue for maths as the work is more personal, less visible.

What you don't want to do is characterise or encourage your child to become the "little professor". Get him playing sport, art, music - everything you can otherwise that is the role he will play in the class and it is honestly not a good one - socially or academically. By year 3 ALL the children will be reading well, the focus won't just be on reading and maths and the gap will become far less obvious.

DDs primary school was pretty good with her. The teachers didn't make her sit and go through all the phonic sounds. They gave her some booklets to do whilst the class had carpet time.

I also had a lot of support from the school re encouraging a "growth mindset" - bright kids tend to have a fixed mindset. (Look up Carol Dweck) They're used to being able to do things without struggle and when faced with things they can't, just assume "it's not for them". This is very life limiting.

@TinklyLittleLaugh

That’s exactly what I did do!
But you are right when DS was little he rarely got invited to play dates unless I was already friends with the parents and it was upsetting (for me, DS didn’t give two hoots about it!)

Now he is older and his friends have become interested in some of the things he is - science, Star Wars, politics and generally ‘get’ him more he has more of a social life, partly because he has been taught social skills and partly because his friends have learnt his ways.
Eg his friend took some friends to a wales rugby match for his birthday but knew that DS would not enjoy that so then invited him for a sleepover and campfire in the woods

of course DS bought a book and then proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon standing IN the paddling pool ignoring his friend and reading this interesting new book he had got
Sorry but I find that utterly adorable. I get where you’re coming from about the social skills but that’s very cute.

no - that is not adorable. that is very rude. That is not how you treat friends. How do you think the other child(ren) felt? i doubt he'd be invited back.

Don’t be too eager to concentrate on the gifted ness of a child.
I was that child - very early reader, put up a year in primary school (and then had to repeat year 6 as the secondary school wouldn’t let you go early), joined Mensa age 12, played musical instruments in concerts (even though I hated music), did all my badges in brownies and guides etc etc
All fine and good, except I never had to wrk for anything, I could just learn/do whatever I was made to, do when real life hits and jobs aren’t all about just knowing stuff but are about putting in the effort, social skills, etc I stalled.

I would take the book off him and tell him to go and play on the slide.

Grownups did this to me all the time.

Bugger off.

I was a very able child who struggled socially. We moved around a lot too which didn't help. I hated being 'different' from the other kids. I found by university, on a course where everyone had the same grades as me, that actually I was just one of those 30 - a good lesson for me. Failure (driving test etc) has taught me much more in my life than easy academic success tbh.

I'm interested to know what constitutes a "gifted and talented" child. At what point do you go, 'oh I have a gifted child' & not just assume they are good at certain things?

Brie I realise it was the OP not you admiring your reading paddler's cuteness.

But it sounds like you've done a good job with your child, particularly if his friends like and know his ways well enough to accommodate him.

storm for my daughter it was her teacher in reception that recognised it and we were subsequently called in for a meeting with the head to discuss what they did as extras for a G&T child to stretch them.

This was then built on in two further primaries and recognised when she started secondary and they confirmed she would still be on their register of G&T children.

Yep, I was gifted and shy and crap at sport and very plain.

My mum was pretty good at making sure I had cool clothes and was good at popular games; stuff like skipping and hopscotch and juggling.
She also turfed me out to play when friends came calling and really encouraged the nicest ones (not necessarily the most academic).

I suspect my mum was one of the cool, popular girls at school though, so all that came naturally to her. It doesn't to me, but it's more acceptable to be a little bit geeky these days so my kids seem to fit in enough to avoid problems.

he needs you to stop taking it all so seriously!! Take him to the park, teach him not to be rude, help him judge social situations

I have to say I agree with Scabbers on this.

I have one who is G&T and one who just misses G&T but is very bright.

My G&T child is also very talented in all three sports in which he participates as well as being advanced in the instrument he plays.

Do you know the most frequent compliment I get about my children?

Their lovely manners, good behaviour and sweet natures.

I don’t discuss parents’ night or exam results, I don’t boast about extracurricular successes. I have no need to. I don’t need the validation.

We haven’t told anyone he tested as G&T in every subject, not even our family.

I have never made another parent’s face fall.

People judge my children by their actions.

People will judge your children by their actions too.

Excellent social skills are, in my opinion, far more important that intelligence ratings.

Being gifted but friendless is nothing to boast about.

Being gifted but unemployable will not lead to a happy life.

G&T does not automatically equal poor social skills.

Focusing on intellectual skills and ignoring social skills is letting your child down.

If your 4 yo’s social skills are below par then you need to work on that with urgency.

Enroll him in Cub Scouts, sports teams, extracurricular activities where he has to work with and cooperate with other children his own age. Arrange lots of play dates. Play lots of board games.

Talk to your child about how to play with other children (eg telling another child what you’ve learned about volcanoes and leading a game about them in the park is great, reading to the other child from a book is not)

I agree with others that your response to the paddling pool story is worrying. It’s not an adorable story. It’s a story about a child who doesn’t know how to play.

I'm interested to know what constitutes a "gifted and talented" child. At what point do you go, 'oh I have a gifted child' & not just assume they are good at certain things?

It depends where you are Storm our US school district tests for G&T. Our U.K. school didn’t test.

It hasn’t made a difference, both schools provided differentiated academic work.

I think that the G&T label can sometimes be unhelpful.

I'm another ex-G&T-type child who used to read books on play dates etc and then struggled later on with social and general anxiety. That growth mindset thing really chimed with me and in particular I wish I had learned to enjoy physical activity more.

I can see DS is similar so I have focused on helping him with his social skills and non-academic activities.

He is in YR in a 3-form entry community primary. They do group children for certain activities but the children aren't aware of it as streaming - DS was quite surprised when he realised not all children are doing the same work (he realised because he likes to play schools and his playmate didn't know what he was talking about). He tends to make friends with children who he can help which is sweet but I also really like it when I hear that he's been playing football or more physical games where he'll be on the back foot as that's harder for him.

I haven't had a single conversation at the school gate about abilities - everyone seems more interested in just being friends and developing relationships. I would look for a school where that kind of ethos and attitude is prevalent.

I have a 2e child (dcd, sensory issue, suspected ASD) and it is like juggling knives at times. He’s only six but he can be very challenging at times and his dcd/dyspraxia means physically he is behind yet academically he is ahead. It’s a balancing act and one that I find very hard day to day.

School, the doctors and OT recognised that. After spending a few minutes with him one on one the medical professionals notice and took half a term for his school to tag it after he started reception.
For us, due to the other issues, he’s just different and getting more different year on year. At four for us ds looked NT, he never was but as an only we had no clue he wasn’t NT.

First, I never ever brag about his achievements, academic or musical or anything else. If others comment, it's usually compliments and I say thank you, he is 'very good at maths' or 'yes that's his painting you like it?'. I change the subject. I hate comparing children, and as a childcare professional, I think it's pointless. DS was a very late 'bloomer' as he had speech problems when younger so everybody thought he wasn't smart, and I hated when people showed off about their child having 154 words at 1 year old. So I don't compare, ever, and never show off.

Secondly, it has been a massive challenge to encourage DS to develop better social skills. First, he wanted to be the boss all the time. He wanted other children to play his way, which isolated him a lot in the classroom. Instead of reinforcing his academic abilities, I really insisted on play dates, no books at the park, take turn, agree to play another child's games. These skills are so, so important as they get older.

I have also tried to 'vary' his skills, not to focus only on what he was good at. And I have tried to take his 'skills' outdoors - by learning about nature, insects, climbing trees, camping, with no books or fancy games. And by learning to play musical instruments and being creative with arts/drawing.

I find that our lives has been an absolute blessing with him, and with his siblings. Each child is a challenge, and I am very positive about him growing up - and no I don't find this difficult at all. I would find that having a child with severe autism difficult, or with a life limiting illness. But being G&T is an absolute blessing. DS is going to secondary school next year so please, be aware that others here do have experience with G&T children.

In our case in a way it would be easier if he wasn’t 2e. It sounds mean but it’s true.
His giftedness/HLP came with his LD and having to fight to get to see doctors is no fun.

Oh my!
I'm so sorry for the responses you've had on here. I just took my DS to the GP because I have concerns that he may have Aspergers or similar... the GP said said "no I don't think he's got aspergers, I think he's probably gifted"! This included telling him he'll probably invent the next Microsoft or something...😳

When I'd picked up my chin from the floor and left I thought 'who on earth am I going to have this conversation with???'

It's literally something that you want to talk about for reassurance, but you can't with your closest Mum friends.

I just wanted to say that I get you, OP x

"of course DS bought a book and then proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon standing IN the paddling pool ignoring his friend and reading this interesting new book he had got

Sorry but I find that utterly adorable. I get where you’re coming from about the social skills but that’s very cute. "

OH no. That isn't cute, that's rude and deliberately unfriendly. Sorry.

I was a g&t kid.

I teach a fair few.

Poster above is right. Braibs will only get you halfway in life. Poor social skills have the possibility of really holding your child back in many ways, including hampering their self confidence. I was this kid.

I don't know whether my youngest is g&t. She was reading early, but tbh I don't give a stuff about any of that. I want her to develop empathy, be able to work in a team and develop friendships because that'll make a huge difference to her life, and frankly, if she's as bright as we suspect then the academic side won't be an issue.

Ignoring a friend on a playdate is so rude, and I'd have been speaking to my child if they did that. It's a very quick way for other kids to single yours out as odd/rude/not a friend and that's not what you want for your child, is it? If not, then you must guide them about social norms and behaviour, and more strongly if necessary.