Challenges of having a G&T child.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

How has it been for you? DS is only 4 but already I’m feeling like I have to be apologetic all the time or play down his abilities. Some other parents are genuinely curious but most either assume I’m exaggerating or assume I’ve been crazily hot-housing him. I’ve found this with kindergarten teachers too. Since I moved him to Montessori it’s been fantastic, but I’m worried about him starting primary school. I don’t want to go back to being looked at like I’m the crazy mum who won’t “just let him be a child”. It’s as though I wouldn’t love for him to run around and go down the slide again and again and again instead of trying to read books to uninterested kids at the park. Actually no, I love him just how he is and wouldn’t change him for the world, but I’m not solely responsible for those traits. How do other people deal with it?

Hi, I haven't read the whole thread but I thought isn't all you about my own experience.

As a child, I was pretty much like your son in that I learnt to read very young and I absolutely adored books. I liked nothing better than books and would read for every minute of every day if left to my own devices. As a result, I simply didn't spend long enough playing (particularly with my peers) and looking back, I don't think I developed socially quite at the same rate as other children. I'm perfectly fine on that level now, but it took me far, far longer to get here than most other people.

Being less sociable as a child wasn't good. I can see how I might have been seen as a little different, because I had different interests to other children (didn't like playing with dolls or doing anything sporty, for example). This made me avoid social situations and retreat into my reading even more. I felt very inadequate, actually, and was quite an unhappy child because much as I tried, I couldn't make friends easily.

My parents (both university educated) actually put a limit to my reading time and I can see why. Social skills are certainly as important, if not more (In my view), than intellectual ability. The ability to relate to others, to make friendships easily and basically to feel in control of social situations is, ultimately, what makes people happy. In other words, having well-developed social skills will set you up in life (at a personal as well as professional level) in a way that plain intellectual ability simply won't.

For what is worth, I stopped reading so compulsively once I start fancying boys . My focus shifted to that sort of thing and tgat helped hugely. Today I'm happy to report I'm perfectly well adjusted, but I "matured" socially much later than my peers.

... And sorry for the many typos! I have a dyslexic phone.

Murane
What would have helped me the most was to have friends (even just one friend) who was on the same intellectual level

Yes- I think the same. There was no one like me at school at all, and it was isolating.
DH felt similarly, so we put our children into a selective primary.
The eldest, as I said, is very gregarious, and just coped as they made many friends. My youngest struggles because no-one is interested in talking about deep issues, or discussing how jet engines work, or the siege of Troy. His relationships have been superficial, and I can see he is saddened and frustrated by this. He has people he hangs around with, that share other interests (Lego, Minecraft, etc) but he has to save all his talking for home. (Which can be exhausting after a day at work!)

We've no idea what to do for secondary as the school he's in is generally accepted as the most academic and pushy in our area...and it's not really meeting his needs.

Ironically getting someone for ds6 to talk about minecraft at school is very hard. Last year he made an endoportal for her TA out of Lego.

Thoth and Murane

My dd said it was amazing when she started her school that there were people who understood her, who wanted the same, who were at the same level and working for the same aims.
Now, 3 years in, she considers her friends and peers as a second family as their interests have made them close.
She still has nothing in common with other children, but it doesn't bother her.
Sometimes it's good to stay an outsider in a school where children are different to you. Sometimes it is good to go against some social norms.
To turn your back on what others enjoy and do your own thing.
When you look at gifted/ talented/ outliers as adults, quite often they aren't the same as everyone else, that's often why they are so gifted as they think differently, we are all different.
I'm sure if my dd had stayed in our area and attended the schools round here, she'd be considered a freak, where she is it's quite normal to be different.

Gilly- thing is, DS would not cope with boarding. DD would- she has requested many times! But DS wouldn't, and even if he could, we couldn't afford it, because academic scholarships do not give the same reduction in fees your DD gets.
My children do lots of activities outside school, but even at those we haven't really found anyone like DS. (DD has done NCO and revelled in being with people that get what she does). There has been one activity that brings DS out of his shell, but it's annual, for a weekend only, and he's already done it this year

I think the biggest challenge with having a g&t child as this thread proves is other parents

Thoth

I know she is very lucky, and she appreciates the opportunities she has been given.
I think it's a shame that other subjects aren't supported the same and there aren't specialist schools for all subjects.
She still reports feeling like she wants to pinch herself when something amazing comes along.

I'm still working in the call centre to try and justify the cost to the tax payer, I'd be at home otherwise.
I suppose we never know what other parents situation is wrt managing a gifted child.
I wish there was more for your ds, as you can see with your dd and NCO it does make a difference being with those who get what you are doing.
What is your ds subject, I'm sure you've tried all avenues already, but somebody on here may know of something.

His subject is anything he puts the least bit of effort into! He's a polymath. Current interests are science, engineering, history, Minecraft. When he was interested in music, he went from playing G1 piano pieces to G4 pieces in a matter of weeks, but it didn't sustain his interest for long enough for him to take seriously. (And he has no intention of performing ever - he's the opposite of DD)

BabiesdontneedDaddies - if you think that on a public board everyone will agree with the OP then you are wrong.

Most people on here have children who are high achievers, and no we don't all handle it the same way. I would never, every say 'poor me, I have a child who is SOOOO talented and I feel SOOOO sorry for myself because I have nobody to talk to'. That's an attitude that I want to avoid at all cost, because other things in life are much more difficult and I feel that what we have is a gift and not a curse. Sorry if I come across as rude or whatever but it's how I feel. And with DS being a bit older now (going to secondary school next year) I feel that I have learned a bit along the way.

Did you mean someone else because I never said that

Thoth

Do you have a local engineering college.
I ask as ours opens it's doors to younger children who are bright/gifted.
It's one of those new STEM colleges in our town, not sure if you have one, but could be worth a look?

To those who can't understand what it is like, especially when they are younger, it can be bloody hard.
Teachers telling you they are unable to cater for their needs, your child feeling their education is a waste of their time, school refusal because they'd rather be at home doing their own thing. Children not understanding them and them feeling like a fish out of water.
Feeling a freak when they do their activity with other kids as they stand out from all the others.
This is without adding any sn, learning difficulties and/or disabilities.
Mental health can suffer too, we are not unknown to SS and CAMHS.
I could go on and on, believe me.
I don't think woe is me and wouldn't want to speak to other parents for any other reason than understanding, help and empathy.
The parents I know at her school now are great and many faced with the same situations or similar to the problems we have.
It's nice to not feel alone. There certainly is no need to boast or show off when your dc are all the same.

For some gifted/talented children there won't be any difference. They'll find a school who can cater to their needs, and maybe not be so intense when they go to secondary and peer pressure kicks in, and hormones.
I know a gifted mathematician who now at 14 has no intention of spending her time doing extra Maths, she's still in the top set and will get good GCSE results, but the passion has gone for a while whilst she experiences being a teen.

Some aren't like this, they carry it on all the way through college and uni, at the same intensity, because they believe they were born to do whatever it is.

Thank you gilly- I've looked on the wiki page list of schools, and yes we do, so i will see if they have some sort of outreach programme...but it has just got "requires improvement" this year, and the results were not great at all last year, so I'm not sure about him attending as a school (plus, it's Y10 plus, and he's Y4!). The smallpeice trust is also too old for him to attend a course yet.

I think the biggest challenge with having a g&t child as this thread proves is other parents

I would never, every say 'poor me, I have a child who is SOOOO talented and I feel SOOOO sorry for myself because I have nobody to talk to'

Haahaa, you couldn’t make it up. 😂

I think if you have a child who is so advanced in something compared to peers, you won't easily find the parents who you can speak about the challenge due to this in real life. My desperation brought me here to find G&T board.
These people are very helpful. They have experience and gives you appropriate insightful advice. At least here you don't need to feel bad to talk about something that can be taken as boasting in real life.

You can still form good relationship with other parents. You don't need to speak about how your child is advanced etc, they won't be interested, and it's only a tiny part of your child.

I agree irvine, I've found this board helpful too over the years, mostly from lurking, though DS is by far less 'gifted' (if at all) than many posters' children.

Even here not every post is supportive or helpful, sometimes because people simply disagree/have a different opinion/different approach, sometimes because of misunderstandings and the thread going off on a tangent, and sometimes reactions appear that might as well have been experienced if you'd shouted 'look how clever my child is!' at the school gates - it is of course an open, public forum and anyone can drop in.

You can still get a lot of support and insight here, just sometimes you need to pick out the relevant replies and perhaps not overly engage with the others.

iwasjustabouttosaythat - Don't give up on this forum just yet! It can be exactly what you're looking for. If you can see through the rest, the support is here; and it is a place where you can share and perhaps occasionally moan. Don't worry if some posters judge you as 'boasting' or 'self pitying' - you know you're not, and they are just anonymous online people who don't know you.

You can still form good relationship with other parents.

Good luck - people on this thread have spent their time offering their insight, advice and wisdom OP.

Thanks Brilliotic, I know this is true. There are some really nice and helpful people in here. I’ve dropped in on this topic (and commented) a few times, but it has always grated on me how some people can’t stop themselves making digs, telling people that actually no, their child isn’t that smart, or as above, stating that they have never had any problem and therefore we must be making trouble for ourselves by yammering on about how great our kids are all the time. It is irritating as so many people here are sharing their experience of having to keep quiet and it’s like their experiences count for nothing. It was ever so on forums/MN I suppose.

I’ll admit, it really hasn’t been hard for me compared to a lot of people on this board. I just wanted people to chat to about it in a casual way and I will take your advice to just ignore the pointless/unhelpful responses even though that will result in more talk about how I don’t understand/people are just trying to help.

So anyway! I guess whether it’s difficult talking to other parents also depends on the skill. If he was amazing at underwater basket weaving I guess that topic wouldn’t really come up at underwater basket weaving competitions. Reading is a constant discussion at this age. I’m glad people have said this won’t last.

Today we were discussing chapter books for 4/5 yos (recs welcome). Enid Blyton came up as a topic of course, and I said I’ve heard they’re a bit racist/sexist in places. Other parents say, “you can just skip over those bits, replace ‘he’ with ‘she’ and so on”. I don’t say, “Do you know of any that are totally ok because DS will be reading alone or following my words and he jumps on me if I ever slip up or skip one”. Because the next question is, “oh he can read?” And it goes from there.

This really isn’t a big deal at all and is just an example of the daily thing where you just don’t mention it. It wouldn’t be bragging at all, but some people would be bothered by it.

I'm in a similar situation. My 4 year old is quite different from his peers. He doesn't watch fiction but has been obsessed with Alphablocks since age 3. This is how he learnt how to read. He's now decided to do maths and he's learning very fast.

He had a meltdown two days again when realising that no even number (to 10) were spelt with magic 'e'. It was not fair, he said. Because five and nine had magic 'e'.
As a parent, it is unsettling to witness, and there's a need to share the experience with other parents. However, it is difficult to talk to other parents without seeming to brag. This is who he is, and it's puzzling a lot of the time. He loves learning and does it really well. It doesn't mean that I think he's superior to his peer. But other parents seem threatened by this and I get it.
My oldest was delayed (and still is) with speech and looked less able next to other toddlers who could do full sentences. It brought up some insecurities.
Having two children with complete different abilities gave me balance and perspective.
Still I'm realising that being open about my youngest's abilities is not easy with everyone. I often see myself having to justify myself.
Socially my youngest isn't great at nursery, and he prefers hanging out with the grown-ups or sits in corner to reads books. His carer said to me it was unusual and I had to explain that he socialises best with older kids.
From what I read these challenges are pretty normal with kids who have abilities.

Socially my youngest isn't great at nursery, and he prefers hanging out with the grown-ups or sits in corner to reads books. His carer said to me it was unusual and I had to explain that he socialises best with older kids.

My DS was the same at his old kindergarten. Hopefully the teachers will handle it with more understanding than ours did. The field officer they called in was great. She said it’s just a matter of him finding his peer group, which didn’t exist at that kindergarten. I realise that’s hard right now but at least it seems like a light at the end of the tunnel. Do you have access to a Montessori kindergarten? DS is like a different kid since he started there.

Ds6 in reception used to follow teachers around to talk to them and go from teacher to teacher until he had one to talk to. Thankfully in year one he now has friends. Mostly female though but it works for him.

It's a good job DS2 is outgoing otherwise or I'm sure they would have raised some kind of issues. They don't seem to understand his needs very well at nursery, but I don't expect them to, and he only goes two days a week. The rest of the week he's with me at home and we have lots of flash cards and maths fun. I've just told them to focus on socialising him. He doesn't like the pre-school that much, but it's only temporary.
We don't have a Montessori Kindergarten around here.

I know some gifted dc struggle socially, regardless of upbringing. But that isn't true for all.

Especially when dd was younger there were plenty of occasions when she became frustrated/ bored because others weren't on her wavelength. But imo that's the job of a parent, and it isn't unique to gifted dc.

Dd being frustrated about eg the other toddler simply building blocks, when she could see at a glance that basic multiplication meant there were too few bricks for the building, might specifically be a gifted problem. But another toddler being nervous about approaching a large dog when she had no fear isn't anything to do with ability. Both come down to learning social skills.

I know that some dc won't ever really feel like they fit. Others like mine have broader interests too and have no issues adapting to the company. But whatever your child's natural personality, I think it's vital for their sake to try and minimise those social difficulties as much as possible.

Dd has an academic peer in the subject she's best at. And a handful in other areas she's gifted at. And thats from a very selective school. But she also has friends who aren't her peers academically, and she's a much happier, balanced person for it.

I understand the need to have people to discuss it with when there is a problem, and also the sometimes negative reaction of others when your dc says/ does something unexpected. But tbh I've never felt any need to go round discussing dd's ability with other people, certainly not at 4.

And yy to the unreasonable assumption gifted dc should be equally ahead emotionally. Dd was/is very tall too, and it frequently wound me up that people expected more of her than they did from peers or even older dc.

I am a mum of 5 g+t dc.

My DH was put up a year as he was so academically gifted as a child ( not UK).

Made his parents proud but was the worse possible thing his parents could have done or asked for as he wasn't socially or emotionally any different from his peers.

If he reads well, fine. But encourage other things especially sport and team work.

There is nothing worse than a child who has poor social skills and overindulgent parents encouraging or not doing anything to improve this.

At Oxford everyone was super bright; it is the ones who are super bright, fun to be around and sporty too which make for the most well rounded and happy in themselves students.

And makes them the most employable.

Not knowing the social cues when a child or adult has lost interest in a subject and the child is carrying on is worrying.

Someone mentioned upthread that there might be a difference between what’s considered G&T in the UK and in some other places. I googled it and there does seem to be, but here’s a list of the characteristics of G&T children that I think will tally with the parents who feel the need to talk about it with someone:

Reasons well and learn rapidly
Talked early and has extensive vocabulary
Early or avid reader
Asks lots of questions and learns more quickly than others
Has a very retentive memory
Is extremely curious and can concentrate for long periods on subjects of interest
Perseverant in their interests
Has a wide general knowledge and interest in the world
Enjoys problem-solving, often missing out the intermediate stages in an argument and making original connections
Has an unusual and vivid imagination
Is intense and shows strong feelings and opinions
Concerned with justice and fairness
Has an odd sense of humour
Sets high standards and is a perfectionist
Loses interest when asked to do more of the same
Is sensitive (feelings hurt easily)
Shows compassion and is morally sensitive
Has a high degree of energy
Prefers older companions or adults
Judgement mature for age at times
Is a keen observer
Is highly creative
Tends to question authority
Has facility with numbers
Extremely good at jigsaw puzzles

I’ve highlighted some of the characteristics that make life harder for these kids at time, however DS meets almost every point. As DS’s paediatrician told us, often these children just don’t understand why someone would be mean. Normal childhood behaviour like throwing, hitting, saying mean things, it just confuses them. It’s not that they don’t want social interaction, they just prefer the more calm and predictable behaviour of older children.

I realise Supernanny isn’t the best source of information but that’s the standard list in my county and was the first UK hit on google. It also provides a good rundown of the difference between children who are considered “bright” and those considered “G&T” if anyone wants to look: www.supernanny.co.uk/AMP/Advice/-/Health-and-Development/-/4-to-13-years/Characteristics-of-Gifted-Children-.aspx

I can see that there are parents here whose children have the characteristics listed above and that’s why they want to chat. It is unusual and not a lot of people understand it. A lot of teachers will just go straight to ASD if they see a child who prefers playing alone (as a PP also mentioned). In fact there are a lot of papers just about that problem online if anyone’s interested.

Of course a lot of G&T kids need help socially but you can bet the parents of these kids are well on top of that. As you can see from the list though it’s not as easy as just telling them to go play. There is often a basic disconnect with very young children. My understanding is that this smooths out a bit as they get older and their peers can express themselves better.