Hi, haven't looked at this thread for a while. It's amazing how rl gets in the way of MN these days! It takes quite a lot from me to post on this particular thread too as it forces me to think about DH's illness, which is something I try not to do.
First the good stuff 
DD2 is now 7 months old and just an amazingly well and happy baby. She doesn't sleep great though 
Still, I know that will pass and she did have a few nights recently where she slept for 12 straight hours, but then I had flu so was kept awake by night sweats/tremors/etc and didn't benefit at all. How bloody typical is that?! Her sleep has been a bit interrupted for the last couple of nights but she has now proved that she can do it so hopefully I can help her find that rhythm again. Oh, she is such a beautiful baby And DD1 (3yrs) is just a darling. She spends the 12 daylight hourse zooming around, chattering, laughing, playing. And then crashes out for 12 hours at night! She's been like that for the last 2 years!! 
That's a lot about my children!! But it is good stuff.
DH is forcing himself to rest loads at the moment. He saw the consultant a couple of weeks ago, and as I suspected his PSA levels had shot right up again. The should be 3 or 4. On diagnosis they were 1900 (still makes me shudder seeing that). In July they went down to 145. By the beginning of September they went back up to 300 and something. Then a fortnight ago they were up to 700. So he's been pulled off the trial, still has the hormone implant and also has another drug to take daily. Think it's also a hormone thing, but stronger. So although hugely disappointing I don't think either of us was terribly surprised at the news.
It really is a case of just taking it as it comes and hope for the best. I asked DH the other day how he was feeling about it all and his main feeling is one of frustration. He's not nearly as strong/agile as he was a few short months ago (6 actually - I can't believe it is 6 months, nearly, that he was diagnosed) so is not able to really pick the girls up and play with them, bath them, do stuff around the house - he was always one of those men who had no problem unloading the dishwasher or washng machine. Now he can't as it causes him too much discomfort. Also he gets tired very easily and so isn't putting as much into his business as he would like to.
He never, ever complains about his illness. He never says, 'poor me' even when I moan about how shit I am feeling with the flu 
He heard today from someone he knew whose 19 year old DD has breast cancer which has spread and is said to be terminal. DH's first reaction was to find out what he can do to help. 19 years old. How bloody sad is that?
Sometimes I feel like I am in mourning for what our life used to be like, but it's difficult to mourn something if you're not 100% sure that it's been lost. I really hope it hasn't been lost and that we can, in time, return to some sort of semblance of what we had. I think of all the places we had already taken DD1, lovely holidays abroad, so many weekends away in the UK. DD2 has stayed in one hotel. In Leatherhead.
That sounds awful. It's not about the holidays, it's about the memories. DD1 remembers everything and I love that (mostly!). I want them both to have loads of happy memories of all of us, regardless of what happens with DH's illness. Special trips away help with that.
Oh, speaking of special places we finally got around to using one of DH's presents for my 40th birthday (he walked himself into A&E the day after), which was a 5 course lunch at Le Manoir. It was bloody lovely! DH enjoyed it so much I think I may treat him again for a Christmas present.
God, I have wittered on. Who knew I had so much to say? I did have a look at the Macmillan forum but found it too much for me, just for the moment. Here's good.