This doesn't look terribly good, does it?

[Rindercella]

DH took himself to A&E this morning as he is in such pain and although he had a hospital appointment for a scan on Wednesday, he could not bear the pain and discomfort he is in any longer.

For the past 6 weeks he has been suffering from lower back pain which has become increasingly worse and for the last week or so has included pins & needles/jelly like sensation in his legs. Initially the GP said it was a kidney infection and gave him some ABs (the first he has ever taken, at 51 years old!). These had no effect whatsoever, so DH went back to the GP who then diagnosed possible kidney stones and got him booked in for a scan & ultrasound treatment. The GP said that the swelling in the groin area DH had was unrelated and probably just a strain (it didn't hurt DH so he was unconcerned).

The hospital have now admitted DH and have said that it absolutely has nothing to do with his kidneys, but they are concerned by a swelling in his neck and also the swelling in his groin and think it could be a problem with his lymph glands. They are hoping to do an MRI scan in the next few hours, but obviously being a bank holiday this might not happen until tomorrow.

Bloody Google - of course now I am imagining the worst and am worried sick. I guess there's nothing anyone can do or say to reassure me at the moment, but does anyone have any clue what this could be?? I feel so helpless - stuck at home with our two little girls, the youngest of whom has just turned 5 weeks old.

Shit.

So glad that the treatment is going well.
He'll be home before you know it!

Macmillan can be great, well worth a look, but the hospital should also be able to put you in touch with groups and or social services.
Money can be a stress during treatment and recovery and there may be help your entitled to.
I know your not thinking about money at the moment but just thought I'd mention it.

Here's to a quick and easy treatment and even quicker remission!

Rindercella - www.cancerhelp.org.uk

We found it useful when my FIL was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Ivillage has good forums, as does netdoctor, I imagine that finding people who've been through this and come out the other side will be very helpful.

Good luck.

Many thanks for all the links, and also for all your kind thoughts, and for sharing your own experiences. WhoMoved, thank you too for your offer of help. I may well take you up on that one day soon - otherwise it'd be nice to meet up for a cuppa anyway

Quick update from me. DH is coming home tomorrow! Yay!!! I am so excited - and so is he. He, as ever, is being terribly sensible about it all and said he is going to take the doctors' advice word-for-word and use his crutches until told not to; work, but not overdo it; etc..

MIL has gone home today, and we made our peace. Funny, yesterday I took the DDs to the usual music class in the morning and then went to a garden centre for a quick lunch with some friends. It was absolutely the best thing I could've done - I felt so chilled afterwards. It was being 'normal' again. DD1 was calmer and MIL visibly relaxed. I ended up having a lovely time with MIL for the last 24 hours of her stay here (maybe because I knew she was going! ) and she left on very good terms.

I can honestly say that the last week has been the hardest and most stressful of my life, not to mention the most knackering. My MIL was obviously very stressed out to hear that her son was so ill and perhaps she was also terrified of history repeating itself - as I mentioned way back, she lost her DH at a very young age and she had to raise their 5 young children by herself.

Anyway, I know we have a very long road ahead, but we are keeping positive and focussed and will do everything we can to make sure that my darling, darling husband makes a full recovery.

I am sure to post on here sometimes to vent, or to ask questions. But I am so, so grateful to all of you who offered me such support in the early days when I just feared the worst. Cyteen/SamFox, very big thanks to you especially.

Rindercella I am glad that ye are being so positive,
Just quickly because I can't help practically and wanted to do something positive for your DH I donated blood and thought I would say it here so as maybe others might do the same [my dd was 1 last weekend and they left me donate today] I will do again it again in 6 weeks and hope a few others might do the same or encourage some one to donate as well, hopefully your DH will not need it but it is good to give.
Look after one another and I hope the treatment goes well or him

Buzzy, it's fantastic that you gave blood. Hopefully DH won't need it, but a chap opposite him on the ward had a transfusion a couple of days ago. People like you are, quite literally, life savers.

DH and I have been talking about what we can do to help both the hospital and cancer charities. The care DH has received has been absolutely amazing.

Rindercella

I have been watching hopefully, though not posting, and I just wanted to add my warmest wishes for you all. I am so glad you are moving on to a new and highly positive stage. Take care.xx

I have been lurking on this thread Rindercella and just wanted to wish you both loads of luck. My mum came through "terminal" cancer with the help of the most amazing Royal Marden Hosptial.

Take all the help you can help and talk to someone regularly about how you feel.

I gave as much blood as I could after my mum had serveal transfusions but now they have spurned me as too much of an old crock! I'd urge everyone who can to give blood as the oncology units use loads of it...

great news, glad you had a good day with MIL too.

have only just seen this

read the whole thing and I'm in tears

so sorry that you have had to go through this

so glad he's home with you

Im glad he is home and I will honestly say a Blog a great way to vent and say things you would never say in RL because its too hard. There is a macmillian board to chat on about partners but is not the easiest board to use TBH.
Keeping things "normal" whereever possible is a great way to cope and helps the children no end.
We are a year ahead of you so if you need to chat anytime just let me know

Oh and my MIL drove me potty and still does!

You are all so kind, thank you for your wishes. It's such a bastard that so many of us have been through this - and worse - and it has definitely made me think about ways in which I can help in the future, through giving blood, raising money, awareness, whatever will help.

Trinity, thank you for your post. I think about you often, perhaps because your circumstances remind me of what my MIL must have gone through all those years ago when she lost her DH so suddenly. I think you're amazing.

Lisa, thanks for your advice and I may well CAT you (when I get around to subscribing to it!) as I think it would be really useful to chat to someone who has already been through this.

It is fantastic to have DH home. He did go to the local business breakfast meeting this morning & did his pitch for his new business! I only 'allowed' him to do that on the proviso that he go to bed and rest for the remainder of the day. So, he's now in bed, but I can hear him on the 'phone!

He's not Superman, he does look ill. He's lost so much weight (actually, he looks better without clothes than with) and his face is very gaunt. He's having to use crutches to walk and probably will for some time to come. Now he's home, I am actually getting more upset again about thinking that he has cancer. I mean, what a totally bastard thing to happen to the most wonderful man I have ever met.

DD1 is so happy to have her Daddy at home and is much calmer than she has been...I guess the fact that I am much calmer is also helping her. DD2 just wants milk

well if you havent got cat my email is minx101 at hotmail dot com

Just thought I would give an update and offload all my thoughts.

DH came home a week ago yesterday and it's been wonderful having him back, but of course it also has its challenges. Thankfully I don't need to make the daily trip to the hospital anymore and we are starting to settle into a routine of sorts - one which doesn't involve the children going to bed at 10pm every night . It is very very tough though and I wonder sometimes how I can cope.

DH is mostly upbeat and positive. He had a terrible day yesterday - was meant to have had the hormone implant done first thing at the local surgery but the hospital had given him the wrong thing so he had to wait until much later on in the day to get it done. He also saw the GP who had dignosed a 'groin strain' when he examined the swelling in DH's groin a few weeks before (the swelling that was in fact indicative of cancer). The GP would not look at DH in the eye, was visibly shaking and the wanker did not even give him the courtesy of acknowledging his illness - fair enough, I didn't expect him to say, "hands up mea culpa! I should've spotted this earlier", but he could've at least shown some empathy to DH surely?

DH is not one to get hung up about these things though - as he said, this doctor has no bearing on his life, so it's daft to get upset about it. When DH went back to the surgery later in teh day, he bumped into another doctor who was lovely and said he could pop in any time for a cup of tea and a chat with her

DH is very down today and feeling particularly unwell, but I suspect it's the hormone treatment kicking in. He has an appointment with the oncologist next week which obviously I will go to too.

I have a lady from Homestart coming round later today to have a chat to see how/if they can help us. Am also trying to get a weekly cleaner sorted out (easier said than done!). Friends and family continue to be wonderful.

One thing I only fully understood a few days ago was that the cancer had started to spread from the prostrate, but they thankfully caught it before it invaded his spine. I do feel sick with worry and sometimes look at our beautiful little girls and pray they get to properly know their Daddy. I adore Richard - he's my best friend and my absolute hero - and just cannot imagine life without him. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

Thanks for the update Rinders, hopefully things will only get better from here, I can't believe it got so serious before he was diagnosed or that he had such unusual symptoms, I assume the tumour was pressing on nerves or something to cause the pain etc.?

My FIL is on the hormone implant, were you/he given any options for treatment or was he advised that this was the only/best one for him?
I only ask because FIL was given a range of options and took the hormone treatment because, being widowed, he wasn't bothered about the impotence implications, I know that sex is probably the last thing on your minds right now but it could become an issue in the future, is his hormone therapy long term?
FIL is having the implants every 12 weeks, probably for life (he's 66).
Is Richard's cancer described as locally advanced or advanced? Have they mentioned a time frame for his treatment or is it likely to be ongoing?

FIl has locally advanced prostate cancer, due to it spreading into one of his hips - he gets really severe hot flushes/night sweats from the therapy but other than that he's fine, his cancer is under control and his PSA levels are very good.

I'm sending you all the positive vibes I can muster , I can only imagine what hell you've both been going through.

Mal, thanks so much for taking teh time to tell me about your FIL's treatment. Pleased to hear he's progressing well. I really don't know many answers to your questions. No-one has discussed DH's treatment with me, let alone what the alternatives are. Perhaps it is thought that it is fine for a 51 year old man with a 40 year old wife and young family to be impotent? Perhaps they needed to administer the best possible treatment quickly? Who knows - we are seeing his oncologist next Tuesday, so it is certainly something I will bear in mind.

DH (eventually) had the implant on Wednesday and it initially knocked him for 6 - he was out flat all day yesterday but thankfully is a bit better today.

I'm doing ok today. DD1's preschool confirmed they could have her for an extra session from next half term, which is great. I have a lady from Homestart coming from next week for a couple of hours per week, which should be lovely. Still trying to get a cleaner sorted though. Getting those bits of practical help are actually a huge help to me.

I have a treat to look forward to too - am seeing Paul Weller at the Royal Albert Hall on Monday night with a friend - one of DH's birthday presents to me. Am seriously looking forward to it, just hope DD2 takes a bottle!

So pleased that he is now home with you and that you are getting some help at home.

You've all been through so much these past few weeks and yes, you do need to vent and to look after you.

Rindercella, thoughts are with you all.

Our best friend is still going strong 7 years on with prostate cancer that had spread, it hasn't always been easy but he is amazing.

I read your first post and didn't know what to say to reassure you.

I still don't but wanted to say I hope the news you get is the best that it can be.

You must be very frightened, all of you.

You have very genuine support here on MN so let it all out!!

Rindercella -sending all best wishes to you and your family.

This misdiagnosis thing at the GP is making me so cross and it just seems to be a depressingly familiar pattern. It seems to me that the people least likely to go the GP are men with young families. Therefore if a bloke does present himself and he hasn't been to the GP much before (you say your DH had never had ABs before, for example) I think alarm bells should ring.

I have talked about this on here before but it just makes me so cross.

DH went to the GP for probably the first time in his adult life with a large scab that wouldn't heal. He had waited a long time to go but eventually (with my nagging!) did. The GP dismissed it as a skin infection. 6 weeks later we found it was a malignant melanoma.

Last week a friend's husband went to the GP with severe pains in his arm. Fit guy, young family, never been to the GP. Was dismissed as muscle strain. The next day he dropped dead from a heart attack.

Is there not any training that tells a GP that it is a Big Deal for a bloke of a certain age and situation to visit them and if they do, it is because they are really in pain or seriously concerned about something abnormal.

Sorry to get on to my soapbox but it does worry me that while the care when you are diagnosed is excellent and swift, it is getting past the gatekeeper that seems to be the hardest thing.

Fortunately it sounds as if your DH has done just that and is now in good hands.

(We were given a Macmillan Nurse from day one of the diagnosis, who can answer lots of your questions. Is that something you've had access to?)

Rinders, it's good to hear how you are both getting on and I am sorry you are having a hard time of it.

just wanted to agree with Merry about misdiagnosis. It seems clear that the demographic you mention should present a red flag when they do actually see a GP, for the reasons you describe.
However it isn't just men who are misdiagnosed. Someone I know of was wrongly diagnosed for a year when actually she had a very serious cancer, and died a few months later.
It's unbelievable but it does happen, doesn't it.

Rindercella I hope DH continues to improve on the hormone implant. Best wishes to you both. x

Rinders, I saw your post about your DH's cancer on Mavis's post in 'Chat' and thought I'd come and add my good wishes and support to you all. As I said on my post in Mavis's thread, my DH was diagnosed with bowel cancer last November. It was a complete shock to us both - once again a misdiagnosis from our GP because DHs symptoms suggested piles (sorry if TMI!) It was only because DH has private health care through his job, and insisted on a referral to a local private clinic, that he got the correct diagnosis. They only just got it in time with DH - luckily it hadn't spread but it was quite advanced. DH had a big operation, but thankfully no other treatment was necessary. He will have regular CT scans for the next five years.

DH found the Macmillan website very useful to talk to other people with cancer; it was very useful to him to get that support and to be supportive back to other sufferers IYSWIM. Your DHs positive attitude is fantastic - my DHs consultant said that a lot of the success of cancer treatment comes from a positive mental attitude from the patient and their carers. So you need to be positive too (and I know just how hard that can be.)

I got my support from RL friends and it sounds like you are doing that too. And it's good that you can come on here and talk to other people in your situation. And it's also good to vent and say "Why me? Why us?" It's important to let that out for your own emotional health. But the other thing I found useful was to only deal with what is in front of you - forget the "what if's" and deal with what the doctors are telling you.

I wish you, DH and your lovely DDs the best of luck.

Once again, tnank you all so much for your well wishes, they mean a lot. We're seeing his consultant on Tuesday - will be the first time I have seen anyone who has been treating DH - so will ask about Macmillan nurses, etc.

Pink, sorry to hear about your DH's cancer. It is horrifying that so many people appear to be misdiagnosed by their GPs. I know that obviously a GP cannot be an expert in everything, but an unexplained lump in the groin of a 51 year old man should not just be disregarded, should it? Also, DH is black, and prostrate cancer is more common among Afro-Caribbean men, so that should have been another red sign surely? Anyway, DH says to look forwards, not back but I think I still may have a chat with one of his sisters, whose opinion he really values, to see if she could persuade him just to send a letter or something about the GP. Oh, and this was the GP who when DH first went to see him asked DH to hang on for a few minutes as he needed to call someone about his car (this would be the flash Jag with the private plates).

Can you believe, we are buying a new house! We've had our offer accpeted, house has been taken off the market, solicitor instructed and all finances in place! We are going to rent our current house - while DH was in hospital I was doing valuation viewings here with estate agents, making sure the place was all clean and tidy! I wanted to cancel them, but DH insisted as he wanted this to look forward to. We could actually move into it in the next month or so as it's a new house (2 off, bespoke, beautiful!), we're renting here, so no chain either end. Really happy about it and it will be so much more suitable than our current house, especially with DH's current condition.

I actually am going to have a night off tomorrow, and I'm so looking forward to it. For my 40th (was it only 3 weeks ago?!), he got me tickets to see Paul Weller at the Royal Albert Hall so I am meeting one of my closest friends for a bite to eat and then concert. Really excited - haven't been to London for ages, haven't had a few hours to myself for ages, so I should have a bloody good night.

DH is continuing to improve. He's been knackered today, but he did do quite a lot yesterday. He tries to pace himself so that if he knows he has something on one day then he makes sure the following day is clear so he can recupperate. He's sooo thin though but having seen the weight my father put back on following his kidney failure (another misdiagnosis by his GP ), I realise that this is the last of Richard's worries.

Someone said earlier on the thread about keeping positive people around me, and I reckon that's excellent advice. It would be very easy to start to feel sorry for myself, but that wouldn't really achieve anything, would it? I agree with you Pink about the 'what ifs?' - there is just no point in speculating - we just have to deal with our situation in the best way that we can and look forward. I have two beautiful, beautiful children and a wonderful husband who is going to get better in time.

Also, I did want to say something else about misdiagnosis of certain groups of people by their GPs. DH has always been so fit and healthy, but - perhaps unusually for a man - has never hesitated to go to the doctor's if he's been ill. He was a real sportsman in his younger years and knows his body well - one of the reasons why he took himself off to A&E despite the kidney stone diagnosis. The ABs he was prescribed for the 'kidney infection' were indeed the first ABs he had ever taken.

Hmm, definitely something to ponder and discuss with SIL.

Hi again rindercella. glad to hear dh is improving. Hopefully he'll put some weight back on soon?

It's great you're getting out to see Paul Weller. Belated happy 40th to you I hope you both have a great night. It is good you're keeping positive people around you and you're getting support on here.

hi Rinders, it's CDN here. Great to hear about the house move, that must be a relief - always best to have somewhere to call your own when you are facing a traumatic time.

I'm also pleased to hear you sounding so positive. One thing though if I might suggest it, is that people who have cancer may occasionally need to let it out, you know, the fears and the negative stuff. I'm sure you know this. But sometimes they are actually relieved when they are able to voice these thoughts and feelings rather than havin to stay positive at all costs - and it's important to face all the possibilities, so you both know the contingency plans, for all eventualities. You will then be able to leave all that aside once it is out of the way and focus on the getting through it and getting better.

It's only a suggestion as you know your DH best. But I think the person I knew sometimes felt a bit trapped by her relentlessly positive family, and needed somewhere or someone to put all the scary thoughts, without being told 'oh don't be daft, you'll be fine'
She needed to know just in case, what would happen if she wasn't.

Sure you have already considered all this.
Hope you have a good meeting tomorrow. The Cancerhelp website has info on what questions to ask your consultant, I think - it might help you put some stuff down on a list to take with you.