Can I stop forever?

[grahamgreenefanatic]

I need to stop drinking forever. I've always drunk to get drunk since I was 18, I'm now 45. Is it better to say 'never again', or 'small achievable steps at a time' Is there anyone out there who can help or who feels they need it?

PW, Thanks so much for your interest and support.
Miss Nash
Well done. You must be feeling ever stronger. I will try Down Your Drink for tips on negative emotions and boredom.
MIFLAW
Thank you for your support and the benefit of your experience, much valued and appreciated.
Superchick
Yes, dealing with this problem (and admitting it) is exactly what I am doing. I, too, have seen some wasted lives or just getting there too late. One has to have the humility to accept one has a problem. For some of us it may be harder to to accept than others.
berrie
It may help to feel that you are 'falling slowly out of love' with Alcohol which is how Miss Nash put it.
It sounds as if you are coming round to the 'got to give up forever' frame of mind.
The emotional strength one gets with giving up is an important motivator. It makes you feel as if you are in control and not the other way round, which was where I was.
Let us support each other. I have found a lot of support here and don't underestimate it's value

I was drinking in a very similar pattern to you Berrie 4 weeks ago, gets scary doesn't it?

Is your dh going to quit/cut down with you? Mine has and I have found it far easier with him supporting (Although I haven't told him he can't have a drink).

I didn't cut down,I just cut it out.I think you have to hit some sort of hate for it,like ggf said in her previous post,
you aren't enjoying it anymore and come to hate the fact it's a habit/urge.

We are all in the same boat, I hope you can join in with those sober nights .

and I've really got to get rid of my smoking habit too

Posh

I absolutely agree that AA is not the only way and that it doesn't work for everyone.

However, in answer to your specific questions, I would suggest that anyone who was not powerless would not have a drinking problem. They would recognise the issue and then use their own "power" to stop or moderate. The very fact that someone is sitting in an AA room is a fair indication that, in that aspect of life if nowhere else, he or she is powerless.

As to the higher power - again, turning up to AA is an initial admission of this. The unhappy alcoholic thinks that perhaps a group of ex-drunks can help with his or her own problem. Right there is an example of "a power greater than yourself." Another, perfectly valid, interpretation of the higher power is your subconscious. You cannot control it and it can make you do things you did not consciously plan to do. You are certainly under no obligation to make your higher power anything mystical, still less overtly religious. Also, most alcoholics soon see that they had a very powerful "higher power" in their lives, called, variously, Stella, Johnny walker, Gordon, K or even Champagne!

It is a massive misconception that we sit around talking endlessly about drinking. The further away from a drink one is, the less one tends to talk about it. It is important to remember what life was like in the old days, but it need not explicitly be discussed. (The exception is when a newcomer is present, when we tend to talk more about the old days so that the newcomer can see we used to be the same when we first came in as they are now.)

What we do discuss is how we handle life without a drink - eg bad news used to "make" me drink. I still get bad news on a regular basis, but a drink is no longer an option - how do I cope without it? I share my experience with others and they share back with me, and together we stay sober.

So there you have it - the shocking truth about AA ... Still agree it's not for everyone but nor is it exactly as it's sometimes imagined.

Hi all, this is day 21 and feeling really good. My problem is that February is lurking around the corner when I am concerned that I will give in. I do feel so much better and as others have said so much more in control. I have had social items during the 21 days and while others are drinking I have managed to abstein and walk away thinking 'glad I haven't had a drink'. Do I want to give it up for ever? Probably not! Really enjoying the thread so let's keep it goingXXX

Well done Flowertop.

PW, I do hate it and I hate myself too especially as I slouch drunkenly up to bed past my sleeping children. I hate the cans and bottles in the morning and I hate that everything is a mess because we got drunk rather than tidy up.

It's been like this for years. I've been on a thread like this before. Dh is worse. We both know that we have to give up, give up. We've tried all kinds of limiting ourselves plans.
I still have hope that we'll do it some time soon!

You've inspired me to get out the holey, quarter knitted, pink scarf I abandoned before Christmas!

sorry to crash but just wanted to say how nice it was to read this thread.

I stopped on NYE for a month - also was drinking far too much on a regular basis - and I'm in two minds as to whether to caryy on stopping!

I might see how I am for the beginning of Feb and then stop again for Lent (Feb 16 onwards for 40 days) and then decide!

I read once that you have to stop for 3 months before you feel any better but I feel great already. It's funny how similar you all sound - I am sleeping like a baby and have got a book on the go all the time, it is so nice.

My dad was an alcoholic and it killed him. It's a real motivator not wanting to ever make my kids feel the way he made me feel.

Anyway, thank you x

Muriel, that's how I stopped. I used to 'give up' for the first three months of every year, and start again on April 1st (feeling slightly foolish, natch, as I was really feeling the benefits by then). Three months is a good solid period of time, and I knew that if I only did January, I'd start to slip by about the 25th. But three months also gave me an end in sight, if you see what I mean.

Then two years ago I realised that I didn't want to start again, because life was actually better and easier with no alcohol. For some reason, that time it didn't seem like the end of the world to keep going. I'm still sober and really happy not having booze in my life.

Berrie

Your post makes me very sad because that's how I know i would feel with my child if I was still drinking.

You say, "I still have hope that we'll do it some time soon!"

You do know, don't you, that's it's not just going to "happen"?

However you do it, you are going to have to make the decision and then make it work. And you might have to do it alone if your husband isn't yet ready to join you in it.

Good luck.

S

MIFLAW, you're saying it all far better than I can

Thanks - I guess the main thing is that it gets said

Glad you are inspired to get your hands busy with your knitting-maybe we should set a Sober but rubbish knitters club .

On a serious note,I completely understand that sinking feeling when you come down to the kitchen after a heavy session and it resembles a collection for the bottle bank.My dh would get up before the children and clear all bottles and hid them in the larder.We also would do a midweek trip to the bottle bank so the neighbours wouldn't see the recycling bin loaded up with empty wine bottles on a friday morning.

Reading that back to myself,just shows me we both knew our drinking was out of hand and we hiding some of the fallout of it.It was a very slippery and dark slope and I think we both enabled each other.

I'm coming up to 4 weeks sober and I'm due out next friday for a meal with my lovely boss.Dh asked me last night if I was going to have my a drink after my 'break'.I did think about it for a while but I've told him I actually don't want to ruin all these sober moments for the sake of a few glasses of plonk.
I actually feel a little bit superior listening to friends moaning on about midweek drinking and hangovers,I'm not in that place at the moment and it feels bloody fab!.

It's do-able folks

Berrie,
MIFLAW is absolutely right. What will it take to make it happen? It certainly won't be hope. It'll be more like something awful, your nadir. Don't wait 'til then. Realise that your nadir is waiting to happen any day now and stop beforehand. You will be able to hold your head high and say 'I took control'
Someone I know stopped alcohol too late after not heeding warning signs before, was admitted to hospital with fits and had her driving license withdrawn. She had 3 young children. Are you waiting for that? Are you waiting for something to happen where everyone you know will associate you with alcohol? This is how I feel. I cannot let that happen. The other thing is that I feel happier, more secure, stronger and morally superior and before you say it, MIFLAW, I promise it's not complacency, and know that no-one is 'cured' just recovering; it is simply a mental strategy I have adopted to help me and me alone. I would never let it influence how I treated others in a similar situation and hope I'm still humble enough to deserve all your support because I need it very much.

Berrie,
MIFLAW is absolutely right. What will it take to make it happen? It certainly won't be hope. It'll be more like something awful, your nadir. Don't wait 'til then. Realise that your nadir is waiting to happen any day now and stop beforehand. You will be able to hold your head high and say 'I took control'
Someone I know stopped alcohol too late after not heeding warning signs before, was admitted to hospital with fits and had her driving license withdrawn. She had 3 young children. Are you waiting for that? Are you waiting for something to happen where everyone you know will associate you with alcohol? This is how I feel. I cannot let that happen. The other thing is that I feel happier, more secure, stronger and morally superior and before you say it, MIFLAW, I promise it's not complacency, and know that no-one is 'cured' just recovering; it is simply a mental strategy I have adopted to help me and me alone. I would never let it influence how I treated others in a similar situation and hope I'm still humble enough to deserve all your support because I need it very much.

Sorry, posted twice

I hide them in the larder too, especially if there is no room in the recycling bin.

I know what you mean about dh being an enabler. We give each other permission/subtle encouragement to fall off the wagon. I've been sober before when he was drinking during pregnancies and Bfding so I can do it.

Mif, I'm not sure what you mean about it not just happening. Do you mean I can't do it without support? When we gave up last year it was for good and we both really believed it. It was Dh who started again after a spectacular row 4 months on and of course I used it as an excuse to join in.

Sorry x post GG
Gosh, I think you are right, I am waiting for something awful to happen to make me do it...

PW, I definatlely quaify for the rubbish knitter bit if not the sober!

Listen to MIFLAW she is right, if it gets to you it is because you recognise that x

GGF

"I feel happier, more secure, stronger and morally superior and before you say it, MIFLAW, I promise it's not complacency, and know that no-one is 'cured' just recovering" - while it is certainly true in my experience that no one is "cured" there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling good about your recovery. I guess that, if no one else, we are "morally superior" to the person we used to be. I remember when, a few months sober, I had to apply for my driving license back or a job or something. AA is very big on honesty so I asked a fellow member if I should mention my drink problem on the application? "No," he said - "because, as long as you're not drinking, you don't have a drink problem. You still have alcoholism, yes - but you're 'treating' that by coming to meetings." To me, that's the difference between "cure" and "recovery" -I can't safely drink (incurable alcoholism) but, as long as I don't try to do so, I don't have a drink problem and can get better (recovery.)

On the other hand, "Someone I know stopped alcohol too late after not heeding warning signs before, was admitted to hospital with fits and had her driving license withdrawn." This may well be "too late" for some but, for others, I'm afraid it gets a lot worse than that ...

Berrie, whether you need support or not is for you to decide. I know I did and that, for me, the support I needed was AA.

But no, that isn't what I meant. I meant that you aren't going to wake up one morning and not want to drink. If you have a problem now, you'll have twice the problem next year. This is borne out by the experience of millions, it's not just me theorising.

If you want things to get better, then you need to say, "I cannot drink safely. What am I going to do about that?" And then you need to find an answer to that question ...

I think I have been fairly explicit about what my "answer" was and you will find that others are equally open about theirs. But you do need some sort of answer - I am no believer in God, but I understand that even Christians and Jews agree that, if you want a miracle, you first have to ask for one.

Sorry,I don't mean to sound defensive. I do appreciate everyone's posts and I know you are right.

Poshwellies,
That's exactly how I felt about AA. However, it was helpful to have it explained by MIFLAW and can see what you mean by the higher power not nec. needing to be celestial/supernatural. I still don't think it will be for me but will never say 'never'
I gave up smoking in August PW,I was never heavy, about 5-7/day and mostly as a substitute for food. I found it very easy, partly because I never smoked in front of DH and DCs. So never smoked outside the school hours or weeknds, holidays.
I think I also used alcohol (misguidely) in that way, amongst others. I have just looked up calories in wine and they vary from 500-637/bottle. If someone were drinking medium strenghth wine 12-13% (say 500 cals/bottle), a bottle a night,and cut it out, they would save 3,500 cals/week which is what you have to save to lose 1 pound in weight, so 4 pounds/week, 24 pounds in 6 months and you've lost over 1.5 stone. Will be a helpful motivator for me.

I'm going to link a thought provoking and very sad documentary on alcohol abuse ,I found helped me make my mind up.It's not easy viewing,it's not meant to be.
In my first week,I had a few very wobbly moments and rewatching this film helped me to realise that I didn't want up dead (true if I admit how many units I was consuming a week 70-90 on a regular basis)

There are 10 parts in 10 minute segements

As I said,sobering viewing.

Berrie hi I don't think you sounded defensive at all just asking for clarity on a suggestion. Keep with us.

MIFLAW 'But no, that isn't what I meant. I meant that you aren't going to wake up one morning and not want to drink. If you have a problem now, you'll have twice the problem next year. This is borne out by the experience of millions, it's not just me theorising'
this reads so true to me and am going to print out as a reminder. I am starting to see that the habit is not going to go away on its own.

tnksxx