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Original poster

support thread for people who are about to lose a loved one

383 replies

saint2shoes · 23/01/2009 11:19

my dear old dad who is 81 has a aggresive Brain tumour.
The doctor has just pretty much said there will be no treatment apart from steroids.
he has got bad really quick. in October I have a picture of him looking OKish(my sm died in early September) Then at Christmas he looks so ill.
he is in Hospital and looks so small and frail.
I know I am not alone and could do with talking with othere people who are going through stuff like this.
I know a lot as my mum died of a brain tumour when I was 18.

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 28/02/2009 22:01

Not gobshite at all. I'm only three years older than you and have found the same. the hardest thing I've found is people saying that they've tried to imagine how it feels but can't. I've just told them to stop trying (in the nicest possible way) as they will never come close.

I could have written your post, so don't worry that you are feeling anything wierd, it's all normal - as far as I know. I'm away on Monday for a few days, but will be thinking of you.

As for sleeping at night - try to sleep whenever you can, regardless of time of day.

Take care. xxx

2shoes · 01/03/2009 11:36

I actually have a weird of people like dh who still have a parent, daft I know.
I am way older than both of you, but I think you are always to young to loose your parents.

fryalot · 01/03/2009 12:35

nancy, if you need to wail at someone, feel free (or anyone else for that matter) you can always email me as well.

[email protected]

NancysGarden · 01/03/2009 21:33

I second that 2shoes.

I have saved your address too squonk, thankyou.

Hope you have a break whilst you are away Lilred, if possible.

Can I ask a question? How long have people taken off work? I've got a funny feeling I have used up all or most of my compassionate leave at work with days when my LO has been ill and DP had to work (we take it in turns when she's ill and she comes down with bugs all the blinking time!) I think it's only 5 days for childcare or the equivalent, which I am sure I have had. I don't want to go off sick but the thought of going back to work before the funeral just makes me anxious. I know I can't do it. And unpaid leave is just not an option for us. I will phone HR tomorrow...

2shoes · 01/03/2009 21:34

i can't answer that as I don't "Work" doesn't it depend on your boss, hope they are understanding.

NancysGarden · 01/03/2009 21:40

I think it does, have looked online at directgov but as you say it's down to discretion of employer. Also dug out my contract but it is general and doesn't specify no. of days for this sort of thing.

2shoes · 01/03/2009 23:10

I think my db got 5 days

fryalot · 02/03/2009 14:24

nancy - if you don't feel up to going back to work at the moment, there's not a doctor in he world that wouldn't give you a sick note for a few days/weeks/until you feel stronger.

If your boss is funny about it at all, please go and see your doc.

Haven't spoken to my brother yet - he visited dad at the weekend and I am very curious about what he thought, whether his feelings are the same as mine. Twas my niece's first weekend of respite so I want to find out how she got on and she's not home till after school so I will ring this evening and ask both questions.

Sidge · 03/03/2009 20:39

Nancy - I took the week off. Dad died on Sunday, I phoned in on Monday and said I needed a few days off (they knew he was dying) and they said to take as long as I needed. I took that week (his funeral was on the Friday and I found that day especially hard even though I couldn't go) and went back to work on the Monday after.

Take all the time you need - I agree with Squonk that your GP would sign you off if you needed.

Squonk, LilRed and 2shoes - how's things?

fryalot · 03/03/2009 22:12

no change here. Haven't spoken to my bro yet.

2shoes · 04/03/2009 11:36

not to bad here sidge, even me and db are getting on ok(miracle emotion)
hows every one else?

NancysGarden · 04/03/2009 12:05

Thanks for advice all.

Strange how life changing events like this bring you closer to family members. I suppose you pull together for support.

Dad's funeral is tomorrow.

It still doesn't feel real of course. Have had a day or two away from Mum and Dad's house. It is probably a bit cowardly but everyone keeps telling me to look after myself and it's what I've needed to do.

Tomorrow will be different. I will psyche (is that right?) myself up tonight. We're going out for dinner this evening en masse and my brother and fiancee will be staying with us. Safety in numbers, eh?

Have other people looked at getting any counselling? It may all be a bit premature but I have realised in the last few days that the calm response I first had was shock/ denial.

2shoes · 04/03/2009 12:08

I do hope tommorow goes well.
I haven't thought of conselling, I suppose it is different for me, I was 18 when my mum died(a long time ago) and my dad was 81. so he had a good innings and a very full life.
I could just do with out all the old men who looke just like him from behind....

2shoes · 04/03/2009 12:08

my dad was 81 when he died, not when my mum died

fryalot · 05/03/2009 13:01

hope today goes well, nancy.

My dad now has a wheelchair. He can't walk far. Of course he won't hear of getting a blue badge (too much hassle) or a macmillan nurse (enough docs and nurses fussing around him)

He sounded fairly upbeat though, he was excited about Man City winning last night and he has been busy tracing dp's family (he's already done ours and most of his friends')

Trying to find a window to go over and stay for a few days with him.

Sidge · 05/03/2009 17:33

Was thinking of you today Nancy. Hope it wasn't too difficult.

NancysGarden · 06/03/2009 11:50

It was a lovely service yesterday and the weather held out.

It was good to see so many old faces from my childhood. I blubbed through the hymns but felt very calm the rest of the day.

I feel a little less calm today but taking one day at a time.

NancysGarden · 06/03/2009 12:27

Squonk, it's good to hear about your Dad's wheelchair, keep your spirits up xx

LilRedWG · 06/03/2009 18:52

Nancy, I thought of you so much this week. I am glad that all went well.

Squonk - it's great that your Dad is so upbeat.

2shoes - keep hanging in there.

Sidge - thanks for the thoughts.

xx

2shoes · 06/03/2009 22:12

nancy glad it went well xx

2shoes · 09/03/2009 21:14

quiet on here hope that means your all ok

fryalot · 10/03/2009 18:03

no change here

LilRedWG · 11/03/2009 18:23

That's good Squonk. x

2shoes · 13/03/2009 10:54

how are you all?
we are having dads ashes interned(sp) on 3rd april, I am pleased as I wanted it done before easter(easter meant a lot to him church wise)

fryalot · 13/03/2009 21:49

hope it goes well, 2shoes, will be thinking of you and your dad.

I'm off to see mine a week on weds for a few days, I'll let you know how he is.

He is starting to sound ill when I speak to him, so I suspect I shall see a change in him.

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