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Original poster

support thread for people who are about to lose a loved one

383 replies

saint2shoes · 23/01/2009 11:19

my dear old dad who is 81 has a aggresive Brain tumour.
The doctor has just pretty much said there will be no treatment apart from steroids.
he has got bad really quick. in October I have a picture of him looking OKish(my sm died in early September) Then at Christmas he looks so ill.
he is in Hospital and looks so small and frail.
I know I am not alone and could do with talking with othere people who are going through stuff like this.
I know a lot as my mum died of a brain tumour when I was 18.

OP posts:
mshadowsisfab · 19/02/2009 22:13

oh Nancy sorry that things seem so bleak.
xx
squonk sorry your dad looked so ill, bet he was pleased you visited though.xx

NancysGarden · 20/02/2009 18:04

Took a copy of the messiah to the hospital today and had a few mins with Dad on my own, we listened to it together and he reacted by opening his eyes very widely.

I feel so sad but it was lovely to have those few special mins together.

mshadowsisfab · 20/02/2009 19:08

so glad you had some alone time with your dad, I know I treasured mine.

I seem to have changed, I have become a bit heartless. I heard yesterday that a x pupil at dd's school had died, now normally I would have been upset(even not knowing the girl) but nothing. an x neighbour died, made all the right noises, but nothing and don't get me started on the JG stuff.
I wonder if I have used up all my grief iynwim, or do you think it is my subconscious telling me something?

yet saying this I can feel for people on this thread and share their worries and grief..

NancysGarden · 20/02/2009 20:34

It's self preservation isn't it? That's how I get through the day sometimes I feel
strong as an ox, others I feel completely crushed.

fryalot · 21/02/2009 07:55

2shoes, I feel the same. Every time there is a news article about JG I want to howl at the telly "what about MY DAD?????" and when I hear about other bad stuff happening, it doesn't affect me like it used to - or if I do get upset, it's all centred around my dad (oh that's so sad, my dad will never do that again, that kind of thing)

nancy - tis good that you spent some "quality" time with your dad. His reaction shows how he appreciated it.

2shoes · 22/02/2009 17:20

hope you are all ok xx

Sidge · 22/02/2009 21:24

Nancy I'm so sorry things aren't looking too good for your dad I hope you enjoy some precious time together. I really cherish those memories of my last few days with my dad even though it makes me upset to think of them now, knowing I wouldn't see him again.

Squonk, hope your dad is coping with his treatment - it's awful seeing your big strong dad so frail isn't it?

2shoes - how are you doing? It's still early days for you I know, but I hope you're doing ok. I have days where I feel mostly ok but then it hits me really hard. I miss him so much. It was DD2s birthday in the week and my dad always sent a card and gift voucher which were really noticeable in their absence. It's silly little things like that that get me.

Thinking of you all.

NancysGarden · 22/02/2009 21:34

Good to hear from you all.

Sidge it must have been hard for you this week, special days are even harder. Just the thought is enough to set me off.

How are you doing 2shoes? I can't bear the coverage of JG myself, it's too close to call. People keep sending me "support JG" group requests on fb.

Squonk I wish you and your Dad strength through the treatment.

We have a review meeting for Dad Tues morning.
I'm going to brave it work tomorrow.

Thinking of everyone xx

LilRedWG · 23/02/2009 01:42

Thinking of you all. xx

ItsThatFuckerSQUONKagain · 23/02/2009 07:44

good luck at work today nancy.

thinking of the rest of you. Lilred, I saw your other thread - I;m so sorry darling

2shoes · 23/02/2009 08:27

LilRedWG sending you love from here as well.

NancysGarden · 24/02/2009 23:13

They will be withdrawing treatment as of thurs. I am going to spend as much time as I can with Dad tomorrow, tell him all the things I have been thinking about, been meaning to say.

I was so shocked to hear your news LilRed. I;m so sorry, again.

LilRedWG · 25/02/2009 10:20

Oh Nancy, I am so, so, sorry.

Spend as much time as you can with your Dad. Laugh, chat and cry. Make happy memories as well as sad.

Much love. xxxxxx

2shoes · 25/02/2009 12:12

nancy thinking of you xx

fryalot · 26/02/2009 09:49

nancy - thinking of you and your dad today.

xx

Sidge · 26/02/2009 12:55

Oh Nancy I am so sorry

I hope you get some special time with your dad.

Do you have someone around for you eg DH/DP? I hope you have someone to give you lots of cuddles. Have one from me, I know it's not very Mumsnetty but I want to send you a hug at this painful time.

Love and strength to you.

LilRedWG · 26/02/2009 14:44

Thinking of you today Nancy. x

bundle · 26/02/2009 14:46

Nancy, coming to this v late but I just wanted to wish you strength. My dad died just over 2 years ago and I remember talking to the staff about managing his final days, it's heartbreaking, xxx

2shoes · 26/02/2009 17:01

hope your ok Nancy

NancysGarden · 27/02/2009 08:09

My poor Dad waited for us all to get there weds and went peacefully with us all holding him. I felt so strong weds but hit me hard yesterday. I am absolutely devastated.

I wantedt o believe he was going to fool all the docs and be well enough for treatment.

I am very lucky to be one of 5 siblings and my DP is doing his best, although he is also finding it hard. My friends are a great strength, I am very lucky and just have to count my blessings at a time like this.

Have had a lovely pic of Dad enlarged for the mantelpiece. Feel bit calmer today. Was feeling very panicky last night, dealing witht the strength of my emotions. Good old rescue remedy.

I spent tues and weds holding Dad's hand as much as I could, he was slipping away and took all his strength to breathe so I didn;'t say much but I have been saying what I wante dto say over the weeks and I know that he knows.

He is a special special man, and we love him.

Thanks all for youur support xxx

fryalot · 27/02/2009 08:12

nancy I am so sorry.

I think holding his hand was perfect and helped him end his life with dignity and love.

wishing you strength in the coming days.

You know where we are

xx

2shoes · 27/02/2009 08:32

nancy so sorry
sending you lots of love. if you ever need a shoulder, I am here xx

LilRedWG · 27/02/2009 09:02

Oh Nancy, my love. I too am here for you (lilredwg at googlemail com). Your Dad will have felt your love. xx

Sidge · 27/02/2009 13:20

Oh Nancy I am so sorry your dear dad has gone

I am glad you managed that special time with him and how lovely that you were all with him at the end.

Be kind to yourself.

NancysGarden · 28/02/2009 21:37

Thankyou all for your lovely messages. It's so important at this time to feel supported from all corners...

My friends are being wonderful.

I bought some star of bethlehem tincture and am finding it very effective at keeping me a little calmer and helping me to begin to comprehend what has happened. (The odd medicinal whisky before bed helps too...)

I had no idea there would be so much practical stuff to do. It's keeping me focussed and busy but I must say it's also exhausting esp as I can't sleep at the moment. Being at my parents' house during the daytimes is both comforting and upsetting in turns. But I live locally so I can have my own space at night.

I may yet be in contact with you all, I have saved your address lilred. I am 32 and most (if not all) of my friends have both parents still living, so do of course sympathise, but possibly cannot get a handle on exactly how bad this feels. I dunno, maybe I'm talking gobshite. I just know that I just simply CANNOT believe it. I started up Dad's car today and it was just so painful to be in his space without him.