Do you ever feel like ending it all?

[ohdear]

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Of course everything will still be there, but with effective medication you will be able to deal with things so much better. It might not seem like it now, but honestly it's true. If you're having suicidal thoughts your medication cannot be working as well as it could.

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ohdear, I'm not going to go into vast detail but reading your posts is EXACTLY like listening to my mum talk. She is severely depressed and talks about killing herself almost on a daily basis. It's deeply, deeply distressing. She is in the same frame of mind that you are - i.e. what's the point of going to see a doctor as they can't help, what's the point of counselling because it can't help, what's the point of anything because none of it will take away her problems.

I'm going to say to you what I find myself saying to her over and over and over again. And I apologise in advance if any of this sounds a bit harsh because it's absolutely not meant to be. But the fact is that no-one is going to knock on your door tomorrow and take all your problems away. It's not going to happen. But if you keep coming up with reasons not to talk to people and get the help you need (and I know it's the depression does this to you) then all that will happen is that it will get worse.

It is a very, very vicious circle. The more depressed you are, the less you feel anyone can help you. The less you feel anyone can help, the more depressed you become and, ultimately, the harder it actually is for anyone to help. And it goes on and on. Believe me, I do know what I am talking about. You must break this cycle. We can offer you support, but only you can take it and use it.

PLEASE speak to your GP - that is what she is there for. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your problems will not disappear overnight but you will be able to tackle them if you get help now.

I hope you can take this post in the spirit in which it is intended I am not trying to bully you - just to offer the perspective of someone who has watched someone she loves slip further and further away because she won't accept that there is help out there for her. Please start talking to the people who are there to help you - and to us, of course! hugs to you.

ohdear, has your doctor any idea of the practical problems you are facing? If they haven't, it might be better to explain more so your doctor sees the reasons behind your feeling of hopelessness. I am no expert here, but I agree that you should get your medication checked, but as you say, this is one aspect only. Although I agree with others that it is a key one.

But also you need practical help. I am absolutely sure someone can make those phone calls for you, but you have to set the ball rolling, confide in the CAB or whoever and ask. Telling your doctor could be a first step.

I know it can be so difficult to break out of an accepted role and lay your cards on the line with your family. If you feel you can't do it now, ok, but keep it on the back burner - keep considering it. Even if you start simply by hinting things aren't as rosy and controlled as they seem. Your children are your family's future, if you have to tap into some support - someone to look after them, someone to help you sort our your finances, don't dismiss it as an impossibility. IME extended families weather all sorts of hidden crisis, the details don't get talked about to the new generations, only the good things and successes become family lore, so it's easy to think that bad acts of fate have passed them by when in fact the opposite is true.

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You really are the best mum your kids will ever have and they would be devastated to lose you.

If this is not clear to you right now then please ask your GP for help or speak to the samaritans.

The feeling that nothing will ever get better and there is no hope is a classic symptom of depression. The very fact that you believe that so firmly is a sign that you are very depressed. You need help. Nobody will come and take your problems away, but you can start to rethink your life. Re counselling Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which has been recommended to you already doesn NOT go into your past. As one therapist told me, "we aren't interested in how people fell into the deep pit, we are interestd in finding ways for them to climb out of it". Nobody will love your children the way you do. Nothing will ever make it up to them for your not being there. And if you don't beleive that, then you are seriously in trouble with depression and need help urgently. Your children love you and need you and it will damage them forever to lose you. Plus, you deserve to live and be happy and if you need some help to get there, then please, please seek it out.
You sound so sad and defeated and keeping all these secrets must be very lonely. Please tell your GP at least.

Also, why not reveal your identity here, if only to prove to yourself that people WILL accept you for yourself. I suspect you have problems believing that generally.

I agree with Aloha on the last point. You could use some support as you, if you know what I mean.

Please go see your GP again, too. The ADs should help more than they are. I think it's trial and error with those types of things.

Take some time off, as others have suggested, if you can.

xxxx oooooo

Ohdear - No, you are not alone. A couple of months ago, I felt pretty much the same. When you feel like that, it doesn't matter how much someone tells you that you are needed, because you do not believe them. However, I will reiterate...your kids DO need you, but then you know that in your heart of hearts really, don't you?

I have been in your situation, but not a lone parent, and I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be to do that, as I find it hard enough with one child and both parents! You must have had to be an amazing person to do that by yourself.

I know that things seem like they will always be bad, and that you have had a horrible life. I never got on with my Mum, and found that counselling really helped me sort my head out with that situation. It is not the be all and end all, and it doesn't change the events that have happened. It merely helps you get 'closure' (in US-speak) and move on. Sometimes I still have down times when I ask dh 'why doesn't my mum want to be with me?' but they are the really low times, and most of the time I can accept that it is her problem, and nothing to do with me.

Try to take each day as it comes, and not to think too far ahead. The future always looks black if you look too far ahead, whereas you can deal with one day. DO NOT do anything to yourself, because that would be really sad for many people in your life. Don't think of it as easing your own pain, but more from the point of what it would do to your children. You WOULD be missed, and it would be a tragedy. Please accept it for now, even if you don't believe it.

Sending lots of hugs to you. Feel free to CAT me if you want, because I do know how you are feeling.

ohdear, I don't have time to read this full thread but I wanted to say two things. One, that yes I've felt like you, very much so. Two, that please please PLEASE do not think your children would be better off without you (I have occasionally thought that too, btw). My mother's mum thought this, and did end it all - she was wrong, her kids did need her.

CBT is pretty good, by the way. I'm still here.

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ohdear - still worth a visit to the GPs; they could up your medication, or change your medication to something that works better for you. Also they can help with referral to counselling/CBT/psychiatrist/Community Psychiatric Nurse. Which at the moment you probably feel you need like a hole in the head but if see a skilled person they can do you an enormous amount of good. CBT will ask you at the first session about your background, to get an idea of what makes you tick - other sessions focus off that, and look at what is stressing you out now, and how you are thinking, and how that might be unrealistic, and definitely doesn't analyse your past/take you back to when you were 5 years old etc. If you feel less depressed, then everything else won't feel as hopeless. I appreciate that there are stressful things going on in your life, and you lack support - feeling less depressed will help you cope with this better, even if there isn't a magic wand to make your life perfect.

From a financial point of view, is your ex paying you the Court Ordered maintenance?

Oh dear, just adding my support xxxx

I hope you pick up the phone and get an emergency appointment with your GP tomorrow. Write everything down like's been suggested. Don't be scared to confide in your loved ones, if they're worth anything they'll stick by you.
You are worth it. You're an important loving person and you deserve some joy in your life.
Take it one step at a time. List all your problems and tackle them in order of importance. Get support and help as soon as possible. Even if you need to see your GP weekly go there as they can help. It does sound as if your meds need changing and I'm sure you'll start to feel more positive once your new ones kick in.
What have you got to lose by going to your GP? Please believe in yourself and keep posting.

Robinw nice to see your name again. Hope you are okay.

Ohdear, it is horrible to hear you sound so down. I'm just going to repeat what everyone else has said. I have a good friend who was really affected badly by something that happened a few years ago. For over 18months he would not discuss the subject at all. Then he began to talk about it but he was still very strange about it all and it still hurt him very very deeply. I have harped on to him to go to counselling, but it just isn't the thing to do, especially for a man.

But the thing is I really beleive the big hurdle for you will be to get yourself to go to the counselling and start to hopefully talk your issues through. This has to come from you. My friend only started going recently but says he feels SO much better for it. But it can be very hard to admit to the real world that you do have a problem and you do need help. Once you have done that, I really hope things will get back in perspective for you.

You say you are worried about the effect this will have on your children, and to be brutelly honest it probably will have some effect. My mother became depressed when I was younger, and it is so upsetting to see your mother cry and not know why, and for her not to be able to tell you why. So please try and take this big brave step for the sake of you and your children. I hope things become better for you very soon.

Everyone has given such splendid advice that I don't know what to add except that I have been there too. It seems so hard sometimes when you have sunk into the blackness. I just tried to tell myself, give it another hour and things will seem better. It always gets better! Of course, getting on the right medication made a big difference too. As a friend of mine told me once, "You know, we're all just a big batch of chemicals and sometimes you need to throw something extra into the soup!". Perhaps take just one thing and focus on taking baby steps to make it better. I agree that a discussion with your doctor concerning your meds would be an excellent first step. Once you get that sorted out, other things will seem easier to deal with.

ohdear, I hope you see the doctor today. It's an important first step. As others have said, don't try and tackle everything at once, just break it down into small stages. Making a daily list can be really theraputic - I find as I cross things off (phone calls, meetings, etc) I gain strength and momentum. It helps if I put down practical things too, like mow the lawn and make supper, etc. and do a combination of these tasks and the dreaded, heart-beating-faster phone calls.

I may not be around as much as usual for a while, but always feel free to phone or email me if you don't see me on mumsnet.

ohdear, I hope that you get a doctors appointment today. what's going on your life may still be tough, but will feel less intolerable if you feel less depressed. could you afford to pay for any extra childcare for them? where mothers are very depressed i have heard of social services arranging for respite nursery care for children but don't know if this is a path you want to go down.

social services do have nursery care and help in some towns. They certainly did where I used to live, not sure about here. Homestart is another option but as you say its to do with the area you live in. Crossroads is another organisation but I dont know whether they just help carers, Im unsure.

I am really sorry you are feeling so desperatley depressed. Life is shit to some people, one knock after another. Whilst others lives seem so easy in comparrison. I will be really honest with you and say, I have had alot of extremely stressful things happen to me but have never felt like killing myself. We all deal with things in different ways. i tend to push the self destruct button tbh, which is just as damaging.

I think you need to go to the GP and stress how bad you feel. tell them you cant cope. They should help you. Maybe you are on the wrong Ad's and you could try something else? maybe talking to the phychgiatric nurse would help? they are usually very lovely people, although I have never been able to 'talk' to a counsellor myself, I think it suits some and not others.

I really hope you get the help you need and find happiness again. You sound so so depressed and i wish i could help you

How are you today, ohdear?

Ohdear I understand your feelings.

It is possible to get through this time and you must somehow find the strength to pull through. You do have that strength.

xxx