Everyone - essbee has just emailed me so hopefully she will post when she gets is less busy. She is working at the moment.
essbee, there is absolutely nothing selfish about it and if anyone thinks that, then their understanding of human suffering is nil.
The fact is that you are absolutely the best person to look after your kids. No one else can replace a mother. I know. My mother died 11 years ago and was a chronic alcoholic. She wasn't much of a mother when I was a kid and I grieved for years and years for the mother she should have been and could have been if alcoholism had not transformed her. Your children have a very good mother and no matter what happens, no one else could replace you in their hearts. If you did yourself in they would spend their lives asking themselves if you did it because you didn't like them or wanted to get away from them. I'm telling you this because my daughters saved my life once when I felt like you do. They don't know it, because they were little and I didn't discuss it with them. But the only reason I didn't go ahead was because I knew they needed me.
Years on, I am happy and have love in my life. I would not have reached this point if I had given up. My children would have been left to their father's tender mercies. I think you have read enough of my posts to know what that means. I believe my DD1 would have killed herself by now if she had had to live with her father following a suicide by me.
You sound to me like someone whose needs, whose suffering, whose inner life has been ignored by the people you loved for basically all your life. Far from selfishness, you are a person who has spent their life trying to fulfil others' needs and let your own go neglected. You have chosen a husband on the basis of what you could do for him without a thought for yourself, you therefore chose someone who was never going to take care of your needs. Thus you were damaged and hurt more and more. This has to stop. There is only so much one person can take.
It's now time to address YOUR needs. NOT SELFISH BUT VITALLY NECESSARY.
You need to be heard. You need to talk about all the years, all the pain and insecurity and inner damage you have endured has to come out. Ideally a therapist would be great - not because friends don't want to listen, but because friends don't always have the special skills required to help you find those things hidden deep inside yourself.
But if you can't yet find time for a therapist, you must begin talking to friends. Make it a natural part of your day. The great thing is that you have dozens of friends on mumsnet who really care about you. Women on this this site know some of the things that you have endured and they think you are a tremendously brave and inspiring person. They know about your parachute jump and think you are courageous and caring. They love you. They respect you. And they want to help you through this dark time. Believe it.
Lean on others for once. Accept their help. Come and stay with me for a weekend or anytime you suggest. Take other mumsnetters up on it when they offer you visits, weekends or whatever. Learn to take help.
I am very driven and I do understand how you want to prove you are fine all the time and hide what you see as weaknesses but are actually very normal needs from everyone. I had a big lesson when I broke my leg and could no longer rush about being all things to all people in my family. What a lesson I learned when I couldn't do anything for them, had to ask for help to wash myself etc, and THEY STILL LOVED ME.
Stop measuring yourself by how wonderfully well you're doing. Start measuring yourself by the amount of love in your heart and kindness in your spirit. You will then see what a beautiful and valuable person you really are.