Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

AA really helped my dp and he is still not drinking 14 yrs later All the times he tried to just stop without emotional help he failed They are just other people like you wanting to have a life

Thank you all so much for the encouragement and good wishes. I've just spoken to my ex-p and he is also being very supportive and has agreed to do as much as he can to help while I'm sorting this out.

Hellobello - I'm relieved that you've posted again. I feel like shit about all of my posts last night but I'm particularly ashamed that I posted that to you. When I'm sober it takes me ages to post which is why I rarely get involved with debates. I preview and check everything - grammar and spelling are not my strong points so they still get through - but I do my best to take out anything that might be taken as offensive. When I get very drunk I stop posting because I can't trust myself to post sensibly and with consideration for other MNr's. Last night I broke that rule and I'm sorry to anyone that found my posts disturbing, upsetting or offensive.

Sobernow - I think it is very much my problem if I'm posting things on here that are affecting other people and making them cry. You don't need to apologise to me for telling me that you were upset. I won't ever do that again.

So, I did go to the clinic and I do feel so much better that I told someone without becoming overly emotional and without being drunk, how much I've been drinking and have finally said the words 'I want help'. Most of the appointment time was taken answering questions about my childhood, drink history and the risks that I'm taking with mine and my familys health and safety. I've had to face up to something that I'm very ashamed of today and I despise myself right now for being at this point. My DS is suffering because I am not looking after him properly. The counsellor had to inform me that if I break contact with the clinic or fail to stick to a drink management agreement that she will have to inform social services. That really, really, really was a wake up call. My behaviour is so bad that I need to make changes to avoid social services becoming involved. That's a very sobering fact!

I was given options for treatment but have decided to stay away from a medical withdrawal in favour of reducing my consumption over time. It would be safe for me to cut down to 250mls of vodka per 24 hours but we both agreed that it was an unrealistic target. So the limit is 500mls per night now. Next week it will be 400mls and the week after 300mls. By this time I should be having weekly counselling sessions where my counsellor will set new targets over the next 12 weeks. I feel relieved that I don't have to stop suddenly and I'm so grateful for the information given on this thread about it. If I had thought that last night I had my final drink I wouldn't have gone there today and I would carry on down the road to liver disease or death.

I'm feeling fairly positive right now. Certainly better than I have for a long time. I'd like to keep this thread going during my withdrawal as a kind of log of how I'm doing. I'm not going to ask for last nights posts to be removed because hopefully the will serve to remind me of the person I become when I'm drunk, and will encourage me to stay away from that level of intoxication.

I've really appreciated all of your support so far and hope that at least some of you will pop in here and see how I'm doing occasionally.

Thanks

500mls seems a lot brassic.

I know it's a scary amount but it's 200mls less than I drink on average at the moment. So it's going in the right direction.

wow. very brave. good luck

I wish you well with it and hope you get the help you need.Are you intending you eventually stop altogether?

well done for going and I second what fio says about the aa.

I think so noddy. Obviously I'd love to go back to social drinking but I think with a family history of alcoholism and what I'm going through now is proof that I need to stay away from it completely.

The counsellor did say that some clients (feel stupid calling myself a client) manage to get down to a safe level of drinking and they do stay there - whether that's true long term though I don't know. Also I'm not sure whether those people were drinking large amounts regualrly or were binge drinkers.

The counsellor really praised AA Fio, but she advised against contacting them during treatment but did say they were excellent for helping people to stay sober long term, so definetly worth considering after I've withdrawn (fingers crossed that I succeed with this). It's AA's priniciple of being powerless to control alcohol that contradicts the clinic's principle of personal responsibility.

I'm sure I could call them if I was desperate for help though.

I'm really hoping that this is rock bottom, but you're right, if SS had to get involved the shame would be make or break for me.

Sobernow - thank you for that. That was like a virtual hug bouncing off the screen at me

Well done you, Brassic

Thats one huge first step, asking for help. And I wish you loads of luck with the next ones.

I'm a bit baffled as to how the AA philosophy contradicts that of personal responsibility (it supports it, in my experience - says 'we admitted we were powerless over alcohol' not 'we are powerless over ourselves and our choices'!) but really, what matters is that you're going to detox and stop, and you're not trying to do it alone. I tell you what, though - I'd borrow the AA maxim of 'one day at a time' anyway: it really helps not trying to tackle more than 24 hours in one go

Hang in there, keep telling us how you're doing!

Sorry batters - hit send too soon.

I don't really have anyone in r/l apart from ex-p. I've burnt a lot of boats over the past year and the only people left would be really hurt by this. They also would probably make things harder by not understanding the support I need and being too involved - telling me off too much.

The counsellor kept re-inforcing the need for personal responsibility and control. That's just right for me really as having someone measuring my drinks for me and tutting when I go out for vodka would not help. I've explained everything about cutting down to ex-p and he has agreed that he will not interfere even if I lapse - apart from obviously supporting me - and he won't try and hurry me through it. He really is a star

I take your point Elibean. She gave an example of an AA memeber consistently re-lapsing and the AA philosophy being used as an excuse 'I am powerless over alcohol', but I do understand where you're coming from. It simply wouldn't help anyone if it was as simple as that and it clearly does.

SN

Yup, agree with Fio

Brassic, I suspect most maxims can be mis-used as excuses - I used to be a star at that myself; anyway, you just do what works for you, keep doing it, and keep in the back of your mind that there are others out there who are treading the path with you at all times. Its so worth it, I promise.

I agree with you both too (fio and elibean)

Elibean I think addiction leads to very manipulative behaviour and everything is open to misinterpretation. I've blamed everyone for this over the past year. I'm only just beginning to accept it's me that's done this. I knew I was at higher risk of developing an addiction to alcohol and I've worn that excuse out now. Truth is that I knew it and chose to drink anyway. I suspect anyone could be become an alcoholic but you certainly can't become one if you don't drink.

After the 12 weeks of counselling I should be dry and then I will have the opportunity to attend a dry day clinic - very much like AA as it's a group setting. I don't fancy it much because it's in a building where my mum used to work and she still socialises with people who still work there. This dry clinic is recommeded though to make sure you don't just breathe a sigh of relief, get smug and go back to the bottle. At that point if I feel like that is a possibility I would choose AA instead.

Hope no-one thinks I've got anything personally against them - I definetly haven't. Just a bit scared of standing up and saying 'I am an alcoholic'.

You're not barking Fio. Very few of my old friends drink and if they do, it really is the occasional glass of wine with a meal. Getting drunk is something they did during their teens and they would be embarrassed to admit they'd done it since.

Well done BM - that is so great that you got to your apointment - that first step is so hard.

Right so now you have a constructive plan to stick to - brilliant.

I am sure your counsellor has set up a plan for you. Have you measured out your amount for tonight? You are starting tonight yes?

So it's 500mls all this week, then next fri you drop to 400mls and so on.

Email me if you want dimpledthighs at hotmail dot co dot uk

Will support you as much as I can.

Wonderful to hear from you - thanks for posting your progress.