Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

BrassicMonkey - You need something to make yourself feel more positive and break this cycle. Without knowing you and your personal circumstances it's hard to know what to suggest, but talking to your GP would be great. Even that might make you feel better about yourself because you're not having to do it alone.

Do you have a close friend (not the alcoholic family) you could confide in?

Dino - thanks, ideally I'd love to go back to relaxed social drinking, but I'm beginning to think it's just a dream.

Forty+ - I feel so embarrassed about telling friends. I'll be honest. I'm drunk now - still typing ok though, I think -, my dad is an active alcoholic - the tennants super type and my sister is is rehab for substance abuse. She's lost everything including her daughter. Anyone that chats to me on MSN will know me now, but I know they're all nice girls and won't rub my nose in this. I'm BIG time ashamed that I'm going through life condemning my sis and dad for the miserable life that HE gave me as a child and the shame that SHE has brought upon me as adult - and here I am probably drinking more than either of them do anyway. What a fuck up!

There are people I could tell, but I know the hidden reaction will be 'ohhhhhh, not you as well, haven't you learnt anything'.

I'm worried that my posts are getting out of order now.

My dp gave up 14 yrs ago but he did go to AA and I think some sort of supprt is vital to find out why you drink.If you are an alcoholic you do have to give up completely as 1 drink is never enough.My dp is so much happier healthier wiser etc and is def not boring.Get help now as you are damaging your health

Yes - well if you can't tell your RL friends than you know you'll always get support on here. In fact there might even be an ongoing thread about problem drinking. Does anyone know?

There was a dependant drinkers club but I haven't seen it in AC for ages. Not sure if it would be for me though.

Noddy - pleased for your DP. I hope I didn't cause offense by the 'miserable old cow' remark. I'm not saying that people who don't drink are miserable, but I feel miserable when I don't have a drink inside me. I'm a total hypocrite because I can't stand being around drunk people when I'm sober.

Brassic, sorry that you are dealing with this, it's shite.

Alcoholism isn't a choice, it just creeps up on you. it is an illness and you shouldn't feel ashamed. You are stuck in a vicious cycle at the moment where you drink and then feel shit, and then you feel shit so you drink.

See your GP and get some support. And good luck!

as a 1st step if you don't feel ready to appraoch other people, friends, gp etc why not try Allen Carr's Easy Way to COntrol Alcohol. It worked for me, I was also drinking a lot and gave up over a year ago. I also drank every day, wanted to cut down/give up for years but couldn't do it, so never thought I would, but did, and it was easy. One of the best things I've ever done

How are you today BM?

Sorry to hear you are going through this, well done for admitting it on here. I do think you should seek outside help. Try going back to your GP and being honest about the amount you are drinking. He/she will have heard it all before, they won't judge you but they will be able to help.

Best of luck x

Go to your GP urgently....you will need help as you are drinking quite a lot. Don't worry they will have heard similar stories and you won't shock them, they will be able to help you. A colleague of mine,( a fellow doctor...), once came to me for help drinking a pretty similar amount to you...like you she was very ashamed and frightened about the implications for her family/career etc. She got on top of it eventually though and none of us think any the less of her, in fact quite the opposite.....she had been trying to help herself,( and she was a psychiatrist...), and just couldn't manage it on her own. Good luck...

Yes, please don't go cold turkey on this. Work on immediate reduction. You don't necessarily have to give up drinking for ever ... it just depends on the nature of your addiction.

One practical suggestion, as you drink spirits, is to get soda water/sparkling mineral water, plenty of ice, tall glass, slice of lemon, and try sipping on that for a few hours a night without the alcohol. Go easy on the tonic water though, as that can bring its own problems if drunk in volume.

It works after a fashion, and I do speak from some experience. Best of luck, brave girl.

Hi BrassicMonkey,

I'm going out in a couple of mins but I wanted to post beforehand. I am a recovering alcoholic and you have done a fantastic thing by coming on here and admitting it. I hope you don't feel too bad today (guilt, shame and remorse were good friends of mine). It took me a while to give up and I still take it a daya t a time.

My experieice is quite extreme, but alcoholisim is an illness and it is progressive, and most people know alcoholics can't do it by will power alone. You need help, and that can be in whatever form works for you.

I found AA helped to maintain my sobriety and also gave me a design for living. After all, once we take the booze away, we need to replace it with something else. It's not easy at first, but it is so worth it.

Like Franny, my life is like night and day compared to how it was 4 years ago. I lost my husband to alcoholism - he hung himself - and I wasn't too far from that ending too.I developed acute pancreatitis, alcoholic hepatitis, I had psoriasis all over my body and looked like a bloated 50 year old (I was 26).

I don't get immunity from life now that I've given up but it's so much easier to deal with all the shit if alcohol isn't in the equation. If you want to ask me anything at all please do, I'd be happy respond.

I wouldn't recommend going cold turkey without medical intervention. If you want to do it by yourself (ie as an outpatient) the GP will give you a course of librium. YOu must not drink as well, these stop the worst withdrawals (DTs, fits etc, which I had with bells on).

I wish you well and hope you keep posting. It can be done.

Actually clinical withdrawal from alcohol dictates that the patient MUST stop drinking right away. The course of librium minimises the danger of serious complications, but is usually better done in a rehab clinic or as an inpatient.

Brassic, another (recovering) alcoholic/addict lending support - well done you for posting.

Hopefully will have time to get back on later and post properly, but as a flying post meantime...can echo most of what F&Z, and Kokeshi have said.

I was 25 when I stopped drinking - detox in rehab, followed by AA and NA, and later on some counselling. Trust me, I've been a whole lot less miserable and more relaxed since - not straight away, maybe, but after a few months. I was scared of the same things as you, and it was only years later that I realized that perhaps worrying about never being able to have a social drink again - or thinking I couldn't relax without one - were symptoms of my alcoholism . Not applying that to you, but reading your post did bring it back.

Stopping drinking on one's own must, presumably, be possible for some people - personally, I'd have hated it: the most helpful and healing/supportive thing for me is hearing other people relate to whatever I'm struggling with. It takes the shame and fear out of it, IYSWIM.

Pretty much as you have done by posting here, in fact

I wish you loads of luck - will try and post again later.

Thanks to everyone for the support and advice last night and for thinking of me this morning.

( to K if you're reading - I can't remember the words I wrote in that email last night but it was sweet of you to offer a shoulder - I know you could have just pretended that you hadn't read this so it was a really sweet gesture. I'm just so ashamed of the things I've done and I can't even admit them to myself and I'm scared of what I say when I'm drunk hence not being on MSN much lately (this probably would have been better in an email, but oddly feels more comfortable on here).)

Today hasn't been as bad as 'the morning after' usually is. I am ashamed that I was posting while I was drinking last night but reading it back, I didn't say anything to get me in trouble - and I've done that on here before when I've been drunk.

Spent a few hours on the phone and on DownYourDrink and have contacted a substance abuse help team in my home town. I don't have an appointment yet but I think I should see someone within the next four weeks. In the meantime I'm going to keep a drink diary so that I can at least try and regulate it - I don't know if that's a good idea tbh but I don't know how I'm managing to get through this amount of alcohol. I just know that I am because of the bottles in the recycling bin. I've also spent time today reading old threads similar to this one and I'm quite shocked that so many of us are doing this to ourselves.

If anyone is reading and wants help but doesn't want to post, DrinkAware can give you information on local services and the services don't contact your GP and it's all confidential. The telephone no. is 0800 917 8282.

Kokeshi - I am so, so, so sad to read your post and so very sorry that you lost your DH in that way.

I think that my sister probably had librium. She was in detox for 4 weeks (I think) at the beginning of the year and she's now in rehab and will stay until August. The things I have heard about some of the patients who are with her absolutely terrify me. One women has gone blind due to binge drinking that I think caused blood clots to form behind her eyes. Another woman slit her throat a month or so ago. I really, really don't want to be in a place like that.

I too have psoriasis but it's not that severe on my body. This is shameful but I think poor hygiene is making it worse. I've lost all my principles about when to wash or what must be done before going out. People that knew the old me would never believe that.

What is DT btw? I've done cold turkey before and I had the shakes, severe craving and depression. I was off for about 10 days in total and smugly thought 'oh that wasn't too bad' and poured myself a drink. I was back to drinking 8 units a night for the first week and then I couldn't control it at all anymore. My tolerance is much higher now than it was before the break.

Thanks for sharing your story with me

Sorry Elibean - it took me ages to write that post and I hadn't seen yours when I started it.

I'm not ready to say 'I'm an alcoholic' and I'm not sure if I can say it without a diagnosis - is that how it works? I've been reading up on Alcoholism for a while and as far as I know there isn't a test on-line that gives you a 'yes, you are an alcoholic' result, even if you tick the boxes of every warning sign - and I'm ticking almost every box apart from things that don't apply to me like poor job performance and financial struggles. I am definetly getting the message that my drinking is problematic and will lead to serious health problems if it continues though - so if that's a description of alcoholism then that's what I am.

Thank you for your post. Well done to both you and Kokeshi on your recoveries

Thanks dino.

BrassicMonkey, I've only just seen this thread. I too hope that this works out for you.

I'm in that camp of people who have no illusions about their ability to misuse drink (I am very ashamed of some of the things I've done when drunk).

BrassicMonkey,

DTs = Delirium Tremens. What people usually refer to as "seeing pink elephants". The main symptoms are confusion and agitation. Other common symptoms include intense hallucinations such as visions of insects, snakes or rats. These may be related to the environment, e.g., drawings on wallpaper that the patient would perceive as giant spiders attacking them. Unlike hallucinations associated with schizophrenia, delirium tremens hallucinations are primarily visual, but associated with tactile hallucinations such as sensations of something crawling on the subject - a phenomenon known as formication. Delirium tremens can sometimes be associated with severe, uncontrollable tremors of the extremities and secondary symptoms such as anxiety, panic attacks and paranoia.

I was drinking (at my very lowest point) about a litre and a half of vodka a day. I've done both inpatient and outpatient withdrawal and I think it depends on how you feel in yourself. Don't try it alone, ask for as much help as you need. The physical symptoms, for me, subsided after about a week, but it was the craving part that was hard in the beginning. Make sure you have something to fill your time, and what a great idea to keep a drink diary. Even trying to write about how you feel, seeing if there's a pattern to it can be helpful.

By the way, you are doing really well be doing so candid. It may even help you to keep posting on here, at least you know there are others who empathise. Like Elibean said, this is the core of most recovery programs, being honest and open about everything.

As for calling yourself an alcoholic. Yeah, that took me a while to get that, which is kinda drummed out of you if you attend AA meetings as everyone opens with it, and so must you by convention! So, kinda like a phobia, I got over it by exposure. I had also convinced myself that because I wasn't an old smelly man with a rain coat tied with string shouting at folk in the street, that I was doing fine.

Even then, no-one can diagnose you as an alcoholic, it's a realisation more than anything else. For me, it was quite liberating in the end because it meant I could just surrender and stop fighting, stop trying to prove that I could beat it.

Don't get me wrong, I've had times recently when I could have murdered a drink but I know the consequences now and I have too much to lose to go down that route. Took me a while to get back up from it, but many of us can and do lead happy, successful fulfilled lives without alcohol. Much love to you x

BM have I spoken with you before? Did you mean you had sent me an email? I just checked and I have nothing in my inbox. If not, sorry for the confusion. x

Hello BrassicMonkey, I've been a lurker for ages and wanting to reply to you in support finally made me join

I wanted to wish you well because I've been in your situation, I also come from a family of alcoholics (mum and dad both) and certainly went further down the road than you've gone. To cut a long story short, I started as a 'normal' drinker but it just crept up on me. Had a lot of stresses and finally found I was drinking in the day as well as at night. I was a total mess for a whole year and my family had to carry me completely (not nice - one daughter was only 13 at the time and had to see far too much.)

It only ended when I lost my sight due to alcohol and was hospitalised due to serious liver damage. I don't think I was far away from the end, at that point. I wasn't able, or didn't want to, stop until then, but I certainly wouldn't recommend letting it go that far. I did eventually get my sight back but it took three months and was the most frightening thing ever.

I just want to encourage you that even someone as far gone as I was found it possible to stop (cold turkey - I did have Valium for about a week but found that once the alcohol was totally out of my system a strange peace I hadn't known for years settled over me and I was more relaxed than I'd ever been while drinking.)

Not only that but I feel happier, calmer and fitter than I'd done for years - I now firmly believe that when you are dependent on alcohol, far from relieving stress and anxiety, it actually causes it.

If you are worried about never being able to have a drink again, I can only speak for myself and say that I have now had four years off alcohol, but do occasionally have a drink at Christmas - I do mean one drink, one glass of mulled wine, or one with the Christmas lunch. I've never found I wanted another after that one, in fact it has the opposite effect in that I now don't LIKE the very effects of alcohol that I used to crave, and am happy to return to soft drinks immediately. But I do know that doesn't always work for every alcoholic and total abstention is probably wisest.

I truly, warmly, wish you good luck. You really don't want to be forced into giving up the way I was, by serious illness, so try to get it under control right now yourself... I know it's not easy, but I can honestly promise you that life without it is much, much sweeter - and I never would have believed that myself in the days when I was counting down every minute till the next drink - but it IS true.

BM, well done for admitting what you did - it's a big, brave step.

Just wanted to say that if you need some alcohol information (units, recommended allowance, drink diary, help yourself manuals, helplines and tips etc) then please CAT me and i'll get them straight off in the post asap.

A drink diary is probably something that an independent alcohol agency will ask you to keep anyway just so they can see when, where and how much you're drinking.

I have seen so many people give up alcohol and how different their lives are when they do. Find a route that is comfortable for you, whether that be charity, AA, out/in patients and go with it. As others have said, DON'T do it on your own - you need support and help. x