Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Hi Kokeshi - cross posted

BM you're amazig.

I was thinking about what you said about cravings a little while ago and how when there's an addiction around there's also always a 'grass is always greener' side to it in that when you're drinking you would just be longing to be where you are right now (could you have imagined it a month ago?!) but when you're on the homeward journey out of the addiction suddenly the comforting 'me' sides of the addiction seem so appealing and it's easy to forget the misery and guilt that went with the addiction.

So keep with it. This is the best thing you can do for you and ds. For your whole life!

How funny! That's great BM, you sound fantastic anyway. Are there any day time meetings in your areas you may consider?

Lunch time ones up my way close to the city centre are are frequented by working people and mothers of children. It takes a bit of time to figure out which ones are for you. Keep at it though

The dependent drinkers things has kinda died a death but it would be great to start afresh with your input of course. I know a lot of people have been touched by your journey.

Hi IF. The ?table turning? of addiction is a right wind-up tbh. This has been just the same as giving up smoking wrt hating it while I?m doing it/loving it as soon as I stop. Allen Carr explains that really well in his ?Easy Way to Stop Smoking? book and the feelings are exactly the same as stopping drinking. The balance really tips once you?ve stopped and you don?t have to self-loathe for being so weak anymore.

Hi Kokeshi. The lunch time meetings tend to start at 12.30 which would be tight for picking DS up from school. There are a few that start at 10.30 which are ideal. It?s quite difficult to decide which ones to try first as there are just loads to choose from.

It?s a shame the dependant drinkers thread fizzled out. I never posted on there as I was always intending to stop completely tomorrow and didn?t think I needed support. I?m nervous about starting a new thread as I know it?s a dodgy topic for a parenting site and I do wonder if people see this in active convos and wish it would just die as they find it offensive. I don?t think I need the support of it anymore, whereas I really, really did when I was reducing. It does keep me from getting complacent though and cheating. It?s a bit like confession as I sort of feel that people would sense it if I had a drink and came on here and lied about it ? that?s stupid, I know, but I might need to draw on the idea of disappointing people in the future to stop me from lapsing. Long term I hope I can stay off drink ?for me?, but at the moment I?m concentrating on DS. The childfree nights are going to be dangerous though, especially Saturday nights.

It?s day 19 today. I can hardly believe it?s been almost 3 weeks since I last had a drink. In one way the longer the gap is, the scarier it is, as it?s harder to go back. If it was day 2 I could quite easily lapse, hate myself for a few days and then try again. If I lapsed now it would be such a waste of effort, and a little bit of me wants to sabotage now to minimise the damage. I won?t though.

It's not offensive at all and hugely relevant to many mothers and much more interesting than "are my baby's nappies the right colour" or whatever.

BM, just wanted to thank you for sharing everything on this thread. It has really helped to have someone to relate to and to hear so many shared experiences.

I am on day eight of no booze and I'm making some new, healthier habits to replace my old bad habits of blame and regret. I can't believe how productive I've become at home.

The last two days, I've been very angry with my dh for no reason at all. I think all the toxins are coming out!

Thanks again for sharing.

It isn't offensive in the least BM and I think it has every place on a parenting board. I fear that alcohol dependency is right in the mainstream of issues which affect some parents!

Start a new thread - I for one, will be following your journey with interest and a huge amount of respect for you

Oh and I meant to add that of course threads should be here for all parents going through some kind of abuse. Mumsnet is about families and finding/offering support to other parents going through tough times IMO.

Real life isn't always pink and fluffy.

BM - please do start another thread, cause I really need all the inspiration that I can get at the moment, and you really are an inspiration

Bm and all the other posters- I don't know why I opened this thread but I did. I am overawed at the honesty here and at the empathy expressed by so many posters. I have no issues with alcohol at all, lurking on mn is my worst vice and I can't seem to shake that so can't imagine how you find the strength to tackle a real addiciton like this. Well done to all of you battling the demons and all of you who have given so much support to them. Good luck.

Bm and all the other posters- I don't know why I opened this thread but I did. I am overawed at the honesty here and at the empathy expressed by so many posters. I have no issues with alcohol at all, lurking on mn is my worst vice and I can't seem to shake that so can't imagine how you find the strength to tackle a real addiciton like this. Well done to all of you battling the demons and all of you who have given so much support to them. Good luck.

Bm and all the other posters- I don't know why I opened this thread but I did. I am overawed at the honesty here and at the empathy expressed by so many posters. I have no issues with alcohol at all, lurking on mn is my worst vice and I can't seem to shake that so can't imagine how you find the strength to tackle a real addiciton like this. Well done to all of you battling the demons and all of you who have given so much support to them. Good luck.

Oh, I?m so glad you?ve all said to carry on with this. I will start a new thread when this one hits 1000 posts, but it won?t be ?part 2? as I don?t want to put any new posters off of joining in. I?d love to think that another poster could get the same support, inspiration and encouragement as I?ve had from this thread.

WakeUpCall ? Well done! I wish I?d caught the productive bug too, but so far I?m not really that enthusiastic. I had a burst of energy at first but it didn?t last. I?ve really neglected housework and I?ve got so much to catch up with. I?m forcing myself to keep up with a laundry schedule, and do very basic things like clean the toilet and change the bed sheets. The mountains of unopened bills really scare me though.

Oh Brassic yes do start another thread, either for yourself, or a general thread for support

You sound really strong and clear minded at the moment. I know the future is not going to be plain sailing but you have come so far.

Brassic ~I just caught up with this thread again after a gap of a few weeks (I have been on holiday)

I cannot believe how far you have come from where you were last time I posted. You should be really proud - it is amazing. Your life is worth so much more than a life wasted to the slavery of alcohol.

BM, I hope you do start another thread. Will you link to it on this one as I often find I miss a lot of threads as I'm not on here all that often at the moment and I tend to just look at the threads on my watch list.

I will definitely join in on a new thread. Will you post as BM or your other MN identity?

hi, i havent read all these posts, cos just refound myself on mumsnet, but wanted to add.
i spent 10 yrs heavy drinking/dependent drinking before i got pregnant. was really good throughout pregnancy, managing just 1 wee wine a week at most. now my baby is 8 months and im worrying my drinking is creeping up again. i average 25 units a week, but sometimes it hits 30. this is great compared to how i used to be (50 to 70 units a week) but im nervous about losing control.
i was always a "functional alcoholic", never lost friends or anything over my behaviour, and my health has always been good, but its something i want to keep an eye on, cos i dont want to do the giving up completely route.

Hi IF. I will post a link to the new thread on here so that everyone knows where it?s gone. I might stay as BrassicMonkey now as I?ve been on MN for 4 years under different registrations and chat names. It?s about time I settled down with just one identity.

Hi Maebee. My drinking was a bit like yours pre-DC, although I wouldn?t have classed myself as an alcoholic back then and although I don?t think I lost any friends, I did upset and offend people when I was drunk. Good luck with cutting down/controlling it. I understand why you don?t want to give up completely. Let us know how you get on.

I really wanted to drink last night. I worked so hard yesterday and was knackered by dinner time. DS had the worst meltdown ever and would not go to sleep. EX-P was here and went home at 10pm after I thought DS was settled, but as soon as he was gone DS was up again kicking off. It was gone midnight by the time he finally went to sleep, but I was wide-awake by then. I was so upset and frustrated and I didn?t know what to do with myself. I stayed in bed, tossing and turning, furious with my life and I desperately wanted to cry but I couldn?t. If there was any alcohol in here last night I would have drunk it. It occurred to me that I haven?t just used alcohol to numb emotions, but I?ve used it to let negative feelings out. I could have nights like that with DS when I was drinking and I?d get on MSN and pour it all out to someone and cry and be aggressive. I don?t want to do that again as I probably used to sound like a horrible bitch, but I wish I had some healthy ways of letting it out.

Anyway, if I don?t drink today I will have been sober for 3 whole weeks. Somebody asked yesterday if I?d lost weight. I haven?t but my face isn?t bloated anymore, so that?s a bonus.

Hi, just wanted to wish you well BrassicMonkey, I'm off on holiday in about 4 hours so I won't be posting on these threads for a while. You have shown tremendous courage on here and I do hope that you continue to post, and persevere with AA as well.

Same goes to all the others who've been so honest ans are trying to change things. Please never be afraid of asking for help, there are people who know exactly how you feel and will be there to support you.

All the best.

Thanks Kokeshi. Have a great holiday

I'm going to another meeting on Friday (newcomers) and I've been using an American based AA chatroom. It was so weird last night as I found out I was speaking to someone who was in rehab with my sister and knew quite a bit about me. I thought he was winding me up at first but he knew my sisters surname, knew that she'd left the centre, knew about her daughter, and other things.

How is everyone else doing? I had a bad day yesterday and I wanted to chuck it all in. I haven't been keeping track of period dates but I think it might be PMT. I feel better today but very tired. I'm going to go back to bed for an hour or two now.

Hi BM!

Oh a couple of hours extra sleep this morning would have been lovely! Have finished work early today though which is good. DS is asleep so quickly checking my emails. Dreading later as he has his MMR this afternoon . My DD loves watching it being done, but I hate it. Feel so guilty!

I have a confession to make. Your abstinance from alcohol has lasted a lot longer than mine did. I feel so guilty and terrible for being so weak. Especially as I was doing so well.

Have just been so stressed with money problems and consequent arguments with DP. Promised myself that Monday I would start again, and yesterday, and now today! But already trying to figure out where I can get the money from for something now!

Feel really really disappointed with myself but still keep falling back into it. And have been reading posts on here trying to pluck up the courage to confess, as everyone else has been so honest, feel like a bit of a fraud.

I was hoping that I would start to lose weight and feel better about myself when I did stop drinking, think cause of all the stresses, and the fact I didn't immediately feel better, I just thought 'what is the point'. I know that just sounds like excuses, which they are I suppose ( with me).

Desperate to lose weight and I know that the drinking is making it so much harder (cause I eat when drinking too). I am just such a fcuk up!

hello BM, hidesit and others - have been lurking on this thread for a while now - was drawn to it to see if I could find any tips/help for my sister who has had a drink problem for some time now. I don't know what to say really other than half the battle is admitting you've got a problem which you have all done - my sister is unable even to do that - let alone start tackling it. BM you are doing so well. Don't give up. Hidesit have you tried the AA helpline? and keep posting!

Pinkteddy ? I?m sorry to hear about your sister. I think you?re right, she needs to admit it to herself before she can begin to tackle it. FWIW plenty of people told me to sort my drinking out before I accepted that I did have problem. I knew I was drinking too much, upsetting people, neglecting my responsibilities etc, but it took a long time before I admitted that I needed help and that I couldn?t do it on my own. The short periods of abstinence just reinforced my belief that I could stop anytime that I really wanted to. Good luck to your sister

Hi Hidesit ? Please don?t feel like a fraud . I know it must have taken courage to admit you?re drinking again. Knowing that I?d have to admit it on here has been in the back of my mind since this thread started and I?m too much of a coward to face it. I know exactly what you mean about being disappointed that you didn?t feel better straight away. I felt euphoric for the first couple of days and then I was really miserable. I was saying this in the AA chatroom last night ? I?m staying sober for DS, and it?s enough for now, but the feelings of loneliness, stress and sadness are making me want to drown my thoughts out of my head. Nobody knew the solution to making my life happy but I was asked to recall the thoughts and feelings of waking up with a hangover and remember the fear of wondering what I did last night, the horrible stomach sinking feeling when you piece things together and start to remember what you said and how you were stumbling about. I don?t know if you can relate to that or not ? I was a complete idiot when I was drunk and I?m really ashamed of that.

I really do feel sorry for you, especially that you?re being hard on yourself. If you?re like me those feelings won?t help you to get back on the wagon again. They just make me want to drown them away. I?ve put on weight since being sober as well. It?s not unusual for me to eat a tub of Pringles, a family size bar of chocolate and a box of cakes as well as 3 meals at the moment. I keep making plans to change things but it makes me realise why I wanted to drink all the time. The plans fall through and I feel pissed off with myself and I just want the feelings to go away. The only thing that I think will keep me sober long term is the thought that I can get drunk again one day, just not today. It doesn?t seem so bad when I think it could be tomorrow ? it?s only ever 24 hours away.

Please keep posting Hidesit. I do understand how you feel.

thanks BM. What you said about the short periods of abstinence rings very true actually. Because she has periods of coping she convinces herself its all OK. How are you doing?

Hey BM, how are doing? Thank you for not judging me and being supportive in my recent (and ongoing) lapse!

I am posting today in the hope that doing so will make me stick to my promise to myself!

Tonight is my last day of drinking (again)! I WILL NOT BUY ANY ALCOHOL TOMORROW!

I will stick to my diet and be thin soon! Ok so never gonna actually be thin, but to cross over from obese would be good!!!!!!

Someone post on here soon please, really need the suppose (sorry BM, hope you don't mind me requesting support on your thread).