Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Can someone please tell me if drinking half a bottle of wine 5 nights a week with dh over dinner makes me an alcoholic ?
I really look forward to my glass of wine in the evening and didn`t see it as a problem, just more of a naughty but very nice indulgence at the end of a busy day ?

and Brassic, it's an addiction. But the really good news is that you want to stop and like batters said, it's just one more step to ask for that help. Just one little step that probably doesn't feel very little but it is! I know asking for help is admitting that you are an alcoholic, but YOU CAN do it.

None of the alcoholics in my family ever got to the stage where they admitted they were alcoholics or asked for help despite several in patient stays, rehab units, major liver problems etc. etc.

But you are already one stage further down the line than a lot of people by wanting to get better but you're going to have to speak to someone close to you, as hard as that may seem. You'll need support to get through this.

This thread preyed on my mind last night. I'm also the child of an alchoholic mother, and I wouldn't wish the way I felt growing up on any child. Your DS is old enough to know what's going on...please don't wait any longer to get help. You really, really need it.

fakeblonde - I think that's fine. And you're having 2 nights off so that's good too

Bm, you know, I went to a couple of AA meetings with my alcoholic father back in the early 90s. The members were SO nice and everyone was incredibly kind and supportive. I still remember some of the 'shares' I heard. No-one at AA will judge you or look down on you or do anything other than welcome you. You might find it a relief to go to one. If you called a nearby one (or even one not nearby if that's too scary) I bet someone would agree to pick you up and go with you if you wanted them to. There's no coercion with AA, no-one will berate you or order you to go or anything but if you DO want some help they are there for you. The serenity prayer is used by AA and although I'm not remotely religious, I do think the sentiments are admirable.

Lord give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdome to know the difference

I've typed that from memory but I think it's right. My dad carried it with him or had it pinned on the wall for a lot of his life. (He's dead now but from smoking, not alcohol. Which reminds me of a story someone told me yesterday about attending the funeral of an alcoholic. He said there were two camps: 1 camp of smokers saying "well, it was the booze of course" and another camp of boozers saying "well, he was a heavy smoker..." And I'll insert a black humoured there for you because it did make me laugh. The man who told me that doesn't drink btw and works for me. He hasn't gone into detail but I suspect he's a sober alcoholic.

Oh I agree, AA isn't about God, don't let that put you off (or give you an excuse not to go!).

Dimpled - Thanks for asking about me this morning. I'm not ok at all. Physically, I've got the shakes and a bad headache - feels like my brain has been in the freezer all night. Emotionally, I'm very ashamed. I woke up at 8.15 in a panic that we would be late for school again. Then remembered that ex-p was coming here to take DS to school. Phoned him and he was on his way over. Then all of last night came back to me - well, not all of it as I don't remember DS coming home and other things that I said to ex-p last night. I do remember asking him if he thought I was an alcoholic and he said yes and that he thought that I was last year as well. I think that must have made me cry because this morning my eyes are swollen and bloodshot and were completely stuck together, so I think I must have still been crying when I went to sleep. I remember getting out of bed to go to the toilet and staggering around naked. Ex-p came in and had to hold me up and walk me to the toilet. He's a nice bloke and didn't mention it this morning but I brought it up. He said that when I got back to bed that I didn't know which end the pillows were at and just threw myself diagonally across it. How humiliating

The clinic have just phoned me. They have a cancellation at 12 noon - must be fate. I almost said no and made an excuse, but I know I have to go. Shitting myself about it now though.

Hellobello - I'm really sorry about my post to you. I've no idea what I was thinking but I wouldn't have posted that sober. I hope you're ok this morning.

Sobernow - I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. My dad is an alcoholic so I know myself how rotten it is to grow up around. When my sister went into detox for substance abuse I was (outrageously considering that I was also abusing alcohol at the time) shocked and sooooo angry. How could she let that happen after seeing what drink did to our dad. What a hypocrite! Last night I couldn't read properly so I couldn't absorb anything that was being posted here. this morning I'm still finding it difficult, but I will come back to this when I'm properly sober and read again. I might ask to have my drunk posts removed though as they are unreadable and ridculous. I'm really sorry I made you cry.

Kokeshi - thank you for your support. I hate the thought of AA and I'm glad that I'm going to the clinic today so I don't have to make excuses about not going to AA.

I'm sorry to anyone that read my posts last night and felt angry or upset. I don't normally post when I'm drunk because I can't type (as you can see).

Oh Brassic PLEASE go to the appointment, PLEASE do

you know you have to

When I started typing my last post a lot of the recent posts weren't there. Sorry, I wasn't ignoring any of you. I have read it all now and I will be back later to read again and I'll post about the appoinment too. I will go.

I'm going to run a bath now and wash some clothes. I've been walking around in the same dirty jeans for over a week and the clinic is near where my mum lives. I don't want to bump into her looking like this.

Thanks for all the support though.

Good luck with it you know you have our support on this

oh excellent news about the appointment - and well done for wanting to tidy yourself up and head out to it.

Brassic you are now on the way to recovery >

4 litres of spirits a week is highly likely to be causing serious liver damage. A lot of women in their 30's are admitted to intensive care at the hospital I work at with alcohol related liver failure and a high proportion of those admitted don't leave it alive. So you are at high risk of death by age 40 if you carry on.

Exactly how much you can drink without high levels of liver damage depends a lot on individual make up - but women sustain much more damage than men.

One thing you could do is to get a scan of your liver and see how it is doing.

I think you should draw on some support to help you through this. It is a problem and you need to be strong for the sake of your children as well as for yourself.

Well done BrassicMonkey, good luck with the appointment.Don't forget you are not alone you have got alot of support here.xx

All the very, very best of luck with your appointment today (it must be fate). I am thinking of you and sending love and support.

Good on you, I hope it goes well, do go.

Good luck with the appointment, BM.

Way back at the start of the thread I posted about my father's alcoholism and forgot to mention that when he quit for the second time when I was in my teens he did it through AA which he'd previously hated the thought of but which became a lifeline for him. He also ended up lecturing on alcohol at men's prisons and really became quite a reformed character!

Dp's father, bizarrely with the same name and birthday as my father, died of alcoholic liver failure after years of heavy drinking, 3 Christmasses ago.

So, like lots of people on here, we have much experience of the demon booze monster. And much sympathy for you.

Wishing you all the best, keep us posted.

It is great that you have agreed to go to the appointment.

I will be thinking about you and hope it goes well. Be honest and open - there is no need to pretend anything.

It is so great you are getting help. If you feel up to it I would love to hear how you get on.

I am very pleased for you (and bizarrely proud of you!)

Good luck BM. Let us know how you get on.

I hope things have gone ok for you, BM. I didn't mean to upset you. You were right about the uspet I had at the weekend. It was really really bad and very very frightening. I hope you can get the help you need and move on.

How did you get on BM? I understand your reluctance, I really do, but take it on authority from those who have been (or have family members) who have been in this position, this will be a long uphill struggle and you will need ALL the help you can get.

One appointment is unlikely to make much difference if you really can't go a night without getting blitzed. I'm not being unecessarily harsh I just have been there. You have to be willing to surrender. IMHO, if you are drinking 4 litres of spirits per week, you will certainly have a physical dependency - you have already talked about withdrawals. Whether you can cope with calling yourself an alcoholic at this stage doesn't really mater. Take all the help that's on offer, including posting on here when you feel bad. Try and do this BEFORE you have a drink though.

Sometimes I get frustrated by these threads because I know there is another option, if only people were willing to put their misconceptions behind them. This is a matter of life and death, pride is not an option for us.