Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Hi PT and Hidesit

Hidesit, of course I don?t mind you asking for help on here ? I?m glad you are

I?d love to lose weight as well. I don?t know if I?m obese (yet) but I?m heading for 13 stone and my diet is appalling. I?ve piled the weight on since stopping dinking because I just can?t stop eating. I still think I look better, but I?ve got to do something about it too. I smoke as well and I?ve gone up to 40 per day lately . It?s like I?m always searching for a bit of comfort or to feel full up emotionally again.

I really struggled again last night. DS was supposed to be staying at his dad?s flat but I ended up phoning and asking them to come home. I needed cigarettes (I?m a nervous wreck without them at the moment) but I didn?t trust myself to go out as I thought I?d end up in the off-licence ? it would have been so easy to get away with it.

I think the reduction period really helped me to be able to give up completely. When I?ve just stopped suddenly before I?ve craved so badly, but knowing that I had permission to drink as long as I followed the rules gave me the break that I needed. It was quite revealing as there were a few nights that I didn?t feel like a drink but after the first glass I was glad I didn?t have to try and stop. It helped me to understand what my triggers are and most importantly that I can?t just cut down and drink sensibly again ? each drink triggers the craving for the next and I don?t stop until I?ve run out/passed out.

The excess weight, smoking, eating crap, messy flat all need to be dealt with and they really make me feel down. I?m trying not to think about them too much and drawing on the fact that I?ve got a small bit of control back in my life. If I feel up to cooking a healthy meal at least I can do it now. There were so many things that I physically couldn?t do when I was drinking even when I really wanted to.

Sorry, I know I?m waffling. I just wanted to chat and say that I know how you feel.

Take care of yourself xx

Hi BM! Your not waffling, so good to know that someone else knows how I feel!

I am currently 13 1/2 stone! Which is the heaviest I EVER been (except when pregnant) and more depressing cause this time last year when DS was just 4 months old, got down to 11 st 4lb! But then the drinking crept up again (as well as the Prozac intake) and here I am!

Have to admit, have always managed to cook a decent meal on a night (had to or DP would know that something was seriously wrong), but just eat that and then pig out on something else!

I eat cause I am bored, depressed and lonely and cause I figure that with all the calories consumung in alcohol, a few bags of crips and slices of bread won't do any further harm! Then I eat when I arn't drinking as I am depressed and desperate for a drink!!! Sounds very pathetic and weak willed I know!

ANyway, that was my turn to waffle on!

Glad that you called and got your DS home to stop you drinking last night. I am currently making excuses to go to the shop, just so that I can buy alcohol. Not even that I get there and then just have to buy it (which I also would should the situation arise).

Maxed out my credit card again today, had to put petrol in the car, and buy a bottle (or two) of cider whilst I was there! Then came home and cooked a special Father's Day Dinner, a whole roast chicken, which I have NEVER done before!!!

I tend to find that cooking is a good excuse to drink actually, as I am in the kitchen and can drink it without anyone else knowing!

Hi BM so glad you posted - was worried as you had gone quiet. Well done for getting through the weekend. Don't think you should worry too much about the smoking and eating just yet- one step at a time! How about taking up some exercise of some sort, keep you busy - get the endorphins going. Might make you feel good about yourself too?

How did you get on today Hidesit?

Hi PT. Exercise ? I?m not really a fan tbh. I could do more walking though. I?d need to cut down the ciggies and lose some weight before I attempted anything more strenuous than that.

Things feel so strange at the moment. It?s like I?ve been in an accident and have lost my memory and don?t know who I am. I can?t relate to the person I am now. The last time I felt safe and comfortable with myself I was in my early 20?s. Since then I?ve been pregnant, PND, DS?s diagnosis and then heavy drinking. I look around and I?ve got a wardrobe full of crap clothes, loads of grey hair, debts, a failed relationship, I?m overweight, lost most of my friends, no job, not much money, piles of paperwork, loads of housework and not much idea how to sort any of it out, where to start or where to get the motivation from. I know I sound full of self pity, but it?s not really like that. I wish I knew what would make me happy as maybe that would be a launch pad. I don?t feel depressed, just unenthusiastic about everything. When I think like this it scares me because I know that the drinking did make me feel temporarily happy and no-one could spoil it for me. I know it wasn?t real happiness and it made me miserable in the long run, but it was short term relief.

How did it go last night Hidesit? Please post even if you did drink.

Cooking was one of my excuses for drinking as well. I used to feel quite sophisticated having a glass of wine in the kitchen, but it was a joke. Easter Sunday I invited some people round for dinner and they brought wine with them. I?d drunk 2 bottles before I?d even put anything in the oven and I ended up in the bath eating sandwiches at 2pm, trying to sober up. The dinner never got cooked.

Tonight I?ll have been sober for a whole 4 weeks. I?m just thinking back to the state I was in when I went to the substance abuse clinic at the beginning of May. Actually I might not be that happy right now, but I?m a million miles away from how I felt back then.

Congratulations on four weeks, Brassic

I felt a lot like you describe, those first few weeks - except that I had lots of anxiety as well as 'blaahh'. I felt like a lost sole fresh out of the freezer...then my feelings really started defrosting, and I sort of came to life again. Which was painful, and sometimes scary, but a relief as well IYSWIM.

Are you still trying out meetings? Hows it going? So much to deal with in terms of catching up wiht oneself (whoever that is) after any major life change...and you've really made one of those. Hats off to you once more.

xxx

Well done BM. This is my 1st night for a long time without copious quantities of wine. We've been away on holiday and I didn't miss home one bit. I forgot it was here. We looked at a house and camped for a few days. We are leaving our house and renting it and I don't want to have to tidy up. It would be much easier to crack open a bottle of wine, but I know that I won't be able to do anything tomorrow if I do. The house is chaos and it needs a really good scrub and we need to start putting things away so estate agents can come round. All a bit scary. I'm eating tons of nicotine lozenges although I promised myself to stop eating them. Sorry to crash on your space. I feel terrible that I drink so much.

Hi everyone

I?ve had a drink tonight. I always said I would be honest about it, so I?m going to post now and add to this thread which has been a bit like a journal to me.

I?ve been thinking about this for a while and I knew it was going to happen. I think it?s part of finding out what I am ? alcoholic; problem drinker; heavy drinker; waste of space etc?

I?ve had a bastard of a day and the urge to drink was overwhelming. I?ve only had 4 but I don?t care about my day anymore, I?m just enjoying the slightly more relaxed me at the moment.

Tonight started out as an experiment. DS is staying at EX-P, so I have the flat to myself. I really want to know if I drank before out of physical dependency alone, or also out of emotional dependency. I told EX-P that I was going to buy a quarter bottle of vodka and see how it made me feel, but I made a promise that regardless of what happened tonight I?d be back on the wagon tomorrow.

Well?the bottle has almost gone now and mentally I?m somewhere between wanting to guzzle it down quick, and wanting to sip it slowly so it lasts forever. I know I will finish the bottle and then go down to the off-licence for more. So, tomorrow I?ll wake up and I?ll know whether I?m disrespecting alcoholics by calling myself one too.

Going to sign off now.

Oh, and yes I am BrassicMonkey. I?ve just realised that I?ve changed names since then.

Oh BM . Thinking of you. Have you called AA? Be strong, tomorrow is another day.

Hi BM,
I'm normally a lurker on this thread but I just wanted to say: be kind to yourself, nobody's perfect. You strike me as someone who is very hard on herself. Be as forgiving of yourself as I'm sure you are of others and hop straight back on the wagon.
Sorry to intrude, but I really wanted to wish you well.

Hi everyone. MT, you're not intruding - thanks for posting.

Well, I've woken up tody with a hangover like I don't ever remember having before. I can't remember eating anything yesterday other than an icecream and I drank 40cl of vodka. Not a huge amount but it was my limit last night. I was sick before I went to bed and this morning my mouth tastes vile.

Last night was horrible and I feel guilty this morning for what I might have done. I know I was posting on a thread about competitive sports day. I don't think I got out of order on that but I was getting so frustrated because I couldn't express my opinion properly.

Then I did something that I really regret. A few months ago when I was still drinking heavily I sent a horrible text message to a friend. I never heard from him again and I've been worrying about it since, knowing that I should phone and apologise, but not knowing what to say and not wanting to tell him that I've got a drink problem. So last night I texted and apologised and the whole thing kicked off again. I now feel more guilty about what I ended up saying last night than I do about what I originally said.

I ended up back on MSN last night, bothering people. One contact took my relapse personally and thinks that she drove me to drinking again. I just feel like I've let everyone down.

Last night happened because I had a bad day and felt stressed. I kidded myself that I might be able to have a 'couple' of drinks to help me relax, but I ended up bolloxed. Before I poured my first one I only intended to drink one bottle, but I knew when I saw the bottle getting emptier that I wouldn't be able to stop. I drank the first 8 units in one hour and then staggered to the off-licence for another. All I've proved is that I can't stop once I start and I'm really upset about it this morning. I really wanted to prove to everyone that I'm not an alcoholic and that I can control it without a bloody measuring jug.

Anyway, I'm back to abstinance today. I'm not going to beat myself up about it anymore. I don't think I need another 'experiment' to show me what happens when I drink.

Everyone's allowed a slip up when going through something so major. Don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself. And learn from it. You haven't lost all the amazing work you've been doing over the last month, you've just had a little hiccup on the way.

Thinking of you

Good to hear you sounding so positive, BM. Perhaps the huge hangover is actually a sign of how much you've achieved over the last few weeks: your body can't cope so well with loads of booze any more because it's not the body of a drinker.

Hi BM! Don't beat yourself up about it. Remember all the words of encouragement and support you gave me when I finally admitted I had fallen off the wagon big style (not back on it yet either, but I know that you wil be so much more successful than me).

Ironically(?) last night is the first night I have managed to not drink for a few weeks. To be honest though it is mainly cause I was feeling ill, didn't get in from college till 9:45pm, and was shattered (don't think DS is ever going to sleep through the night, or past 5:30 am).

My abstinance ended when I'd had a bad day, and thought that I could have a bottle of wine that one night, and then I could just have no more. But of course I couldn't. The next night (well by about 3pm really) I was craving a drink. And I have done every day since. If I hadn't been at college last night (and had had any money at all) I would have bought alcohol.

I am even embarassed to admit that the £50 I had put away towards next weeks credit card payment, had been spent at the shops! Not all on alcohol, but without the alcohol would have had something left to put towards my bill. Not have to try and find the money elsewhere!

DP is out tonight and I have real trust issues so am really worried that he will cheat on me (left his mobile at home today too which is really worrying me even though he claims it was by accident). Not sure I will get through tonight without a drink!

Anyway, sorry for babbling on (again) BM. Everything you have said about drinking last night proves that you yourself know that you can leave it at that. It was one night, where you drank more than intended, but you know that you won't do it again.

How are you doing this evening BM?

(do you still want to be BM or the new name? I think you should be BM as you were such a hero with that name)

I?m fine thanks IF, well, apart from the hangover which is still going strong. I changed my name last night because I wanted to post aggressively on a few threads. I posted on this one instead and I think ?outing? my new name stopped me from being offensive elsewhere. I hope I wasn?t offensive anyway ? I?ve had a quick look but it makes me cringe to read things I typed when I was drunk. I?ll go back to BrassicMonkey tomorrow.

Thanks for the support everyone. I?d have been gutted today if nobody had posted. I knew this lapse was going to happen and I?m glad that it?s in the past now. I?m not going to start counting the days again, but I?m going to look at it as ?4 weeks sober with one lapse?.

Hidesit ? How are you doing tonight?

Hi BM, glad that you are not going back to counting days. This isn't a new start for you. As you say, just a temporary glip!

I'm not doing well. So far have had 2 litres of Strongbow, and half a 1.5 ltr bottle of Lambrini. Now I know that a lot of people will not see me as an alcoholic from that desciption of what I have drunk, but the fact is I HAD to buy something (or so it felt) to get me through the night. And I bought the cheapest thing with the highest alcohol content. (Lambrini may only be 7.5% or something, but has twice the quantity of most stronger bottles of wine, so in effect have consumed a more expensive 75cl bottle of wine with 15% alcohol). And I know that by working the alcohol percentage out like that I am the saddest person on the face of the planet.

I do it a lot I have to admit. But particularly hard cause DP is out tonight.

ANyway I feel sick now, so am going to bed, cause DS will be up in a couple of hours or so for a feed.

Can't stay up any longer in case 'he who forgot his mobile (??????!?!?!?!?!?) turns up, although I truly doubt it, got at least a couple of hours! Problem is I will have passed out (not natural sleep) by the time he comes in, so won't be able to pull him up on it tomorrow.

Sometimes I really hate my life, or non life as it may be!

Oh god I have done it again. You must really hate me BM, I just babble on and noone even knows who the hell I am cause I don't even post often under my normal name!!!!

Really sorry! You are fantastic and I really genuinely wish I had the courage to do what you have done !

Apologies for my long boring post.

Good night all

Oh Hidesit, you sound so sad. Of course I don't hate you and you're not waffley or boring and neither are your posts.

I know it was an odd thing to do, and I hope you don't mind me doing it, but I worked out roughly how many units you drank tonight. I think it's about 15 which is just under what I had last night and I was completely gone. I stopped posting on here, signed out of MSN and used the phone instead as I couldn't type properly. I totally recognise all the feelings of self loathing and thinking that other people must hate you. It's a fucking dreadful way to feel and today has felt like hell on earth because those feelings are back. I was such a bitch last night and all day I've been getting flash backs and remembering a bit more of what I was saying and remembering things that people were saying to me, that I didn't even bother to respond to. I can't believe that I used to feel like that every day when I was drinking. I haven't craved at all today and I think it's because those feelings have been a constant reminder of the person that I become when I'm drunk (and I hate her).

Please don't think I'm brave - I'm really not. It took more courage to go to the off-licence last night than it did to stay away from there all those other nights. Giving up drinking actually felt like giving in to it. I know it sounds arse-upwards but it's true and it's the opposite to what I expected.

It doesn't matter that you change your name to post on here. If I was to tell you who I really was it would mean nothing to you. I've never 'met' any of the people on this thread before and I doubt if anyone would even recognise any of my posting names because I switch so often.

Please give yourself a break. The hardest part for me was to break the cycle. It really wasn't that hard once I had a couple of days behind me. I hope I'm not sounding arrogant - I'm not kidding myself that I'll never, ever lapse again (I think I probably will at some point), but I feel one step closer to permenant sobriety as I feel like I've worked through the theory and the practical now.

I'm waffling now, but I just wanted to chat with you and try and make you feel a bit better. I'm guessing about a lot of things and probably transferring a lot of my feelings on to you, which might not be fair to you. It makes me so sad to think that you feel stuck in this horrible situation.

Take care of yourself xx

Well tonight I have finished the rest of last nights Lambrini and had another (but small) bottle too.

Not proud of myself, obviously, and really wish I had the strength to just stop!

DP mentioned earlier that there was wine in the fridge but that I had still bought more, and that he thought I had said I had stopped drinking. Guess I am still better at hiding it than I thought most of the time. (Note to self, take recycling tomorrow so he doesn't see it ).

I really do appreciate all of your words of support BM, and in my opinion (for what that's worth) you are a very brave and strong person.

When DS woke this morning (1:30am) for his bottle had to litteraly drag myself out of bed I felt so rough (but obviously not enough to stop me drinking today ). Then he got me up at 6am and I am still feeling shattered.

Have to admit that DP came in just after I went to bed last night, heard him before I passed out, which made me feel a little better. But he still didn't come to bed till after I had fed DS at 1:30, he was asleep on sofa when I went downstairs to do his bottle.

I am feeling really run down and rubbish at the moment and in desperate need of a break for the norm. Need something to look forward to for a change!! Just something!!!

Thank you for your posts BM. Have to admit have read them a few times today, before I posted. Made me feel like I am not so alone, which in so many ways I really am, and god it is so bloody depressing!!!!!

How have you done today?

HI Hidesit - I'm fine today thanks. I lost my telephone line yesterday so no broadband, otherwise I would have posted last night.

I was in that cycle of deciding to stop, then falling back on drink again for well over a year. I only found the will to stay off it (for a few days) after doing something that made me cringe with embarrassment the next day, but often even that was counter-productive, as the shame made me want to drown the feelings out with drink again as soon as the hangover was gone.

I haven't got into AA at all (I must try again), but the higher power thing really makes sense to me. I've always had a faith but I've strugled to keep it over the past few years, and I couldn't say at the moment that God has been my higher power. I've looked at it more as giving into the drink, accepting that I can't control it, and giving the decision to buy alcohol to something else. As soon as I take that power to make my own decisions regarding drinking back (as I did on Thursday) then I'm as good as drunk before I even get to the off-licence. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not saying it's been easy, but it was actually harder to take the responsibility back and go out and buy the vodka than it was just to accept that I can't.

I was in such a mess when I started this thread and I think that was where the initial will to stop came from. The recycling box was a constant source of paranoia - I can't imagine what my neighbours/the recycling team must have thought of me.

Well done for making yourself get up to DS. Christ knows, I couldn't have managed to do that. I would have nudged your DP awake and told him I had a headache/period pain/cystitis (anything) and gone back to bed. Maybe that's working against you though because you don't have enough reasons to really hate the drink and you're still getting something from it, rather than just feeding an addiction.

Take care of yourself Hidesit and keep posting.

This thread has made me feel so much better. I hope that's not too rotten to the OP. I forgot that making a fool of yourself when you're drunk doesn't just happen to people with drink problems.

Hi BM. Have to admit that I have always managed to get up during the night with DS. And I did with DD when she was little too (did a hell of a lot of drinking when split from ex-p when DD was 2). Have only once slept through DS waking up, and woke to find DP was already downstairs with him. Was completely mortified, but don't think it was because of drink that time (if i remember right anyway), think it was just I was so shattered!

Anyway, generally DP isn't too great when it comes to getting up with DS. Tends to pull duvet over his head and pretend he can't hear him.

Are you going to go back to AA? I would try it if I thought that it would work for me, but I am afraid I have very little (if any) faith in a higher power (espcially God)! Sometimes wish I did believe but I just can't.

The thing about stories of regret really made me think, there are so many things I have done either whilst drunk, or the morning after, which make me want to curl up and cry (read the link, been in that position SO many times).

I remember quite a few years ago one of the worst things I have ever done, but even that didn't stop me drinking.

Was at a party on bonfire night at my sisters, DD slept over there (was before DS came along) and I arranged to collect DD and my niece the next morning and take them to the cinema. Got completely hammered at party and felt so rough the next morning, but had promised them I would take them so I did.

Ended up running out of the cinema half way through the film, didn't make it to the toilet, and threw up in the doorway. Ran into the toilet and cried. Came out with all these people trying to figure out who had been ill, not difficult as vomit was all down me.

The staff were really nice, sent someone to watch DD and niece whilst I cleaned myself up, and got me a drink of water. All I could think was, 'you wouldn't be being so nice if you knew that I am just a drunk with a hangover and not actually ill'. I was so ashamed of myself. Went home (living with parents at the time) and just ran upstairs for a shower as all my family was there and didn't want them to know what I had done .

That really should have been enough to stop me drinking shouldn't it???

Aww, bless you Hidesit. I don't know if it should have been enough to make you stop drinking, or enough to make you want to pick up another glass as soon as the hangover had gone. I don't suffer too badly with hangovers and rarely get sick.

The worst thing I did, and I've never admitted this before (I don't think), was on Mothers Day this year. I was too pissed to organise cards or flowers for my mum so EX-P did it all. It was my day and I chose to drink throughout it. I was still sitting there at 10am the next morning and I felt stoned, not drunk. EX-P had stayed the night and made a comment about me looking rough and I really went for him, punched him in the face, ripped his top off, pushed him out of the flat and tried to push him down the stairs. Then I went to the off-licence for more (what I must have looked like I don't know). 3 hours later I was still sitting there drinking and had no idea what I'd said or done. It was a blackout at the time, but it came back to me (and I wish it hadn't).

Anyway, confession time. I'm drinking again tonight. Big time shame involved in this as well as I orchestrated it so that no-one would know. DS is in bed, EX-P has gone home and I've just opened the quarter bottle that was hiding in my bag. I had NO intention of doing this when I woke up this morning but I'm back to my old excuses - it's Sunday, I'll be good tomorrow (well, fingers crossed anyway). One good thing is that this quarter bottle will have to last me through because I won't take DS out in his pyjamas to get more. I'm half way through it already but even that small amount is enough to make me feel like I don't give a shit about anything anymore.

I'm going to start the new thread now as this is the 1000th message. Hopefully I'll be able to post here with a link.