Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Well done BM, you sound like you have taken real positive steps to tackle the problem. Sounds like a committed service. See how you go with the cutting down, be as honest as you can with yourself. As Elibean said, one of the best AA maxims is "one day at a time".

All of us have to learn to take responsibility and IME, admitting that I was powerless over alcohol (and my life was unmanageable) actually worked in my favour. I can say I am powerless over drink, and I know for sure lifting the first one would be a disaster for me.

To use this example of not taking responsibility for our alcoholism is a bit disingenuous, we do a lot of hard work to remain sober through the 12 step program, which is a really strategy for living sober day to day - and taking responsibility for all our actions.

I'm not trying to sell it to anyone by the way, just know there are so many misconceptions around AA and what it actually is.

You're being incredibly brave and I admire your honesty and candour. Please remember we're here for you if you need to share anything.

Best wishes x

Thank you dimpled, that's a really nice post.

Yes, I have a measuring jug on my desk which now has only 400mls of vodka in. I'm drinking doubles so it will take me 10 drinks to finish it - but I'm not planning to do that, but it's there if I want it, guilt free.

The counsellor has left it up to me to decide how I want to reduce. Her idea was weekly by 100mls. I'm not sure if that is such a good idea and I'm considering droping 10mls per night. It will take longer but it's still achieveable within 12 weeks. I could do a combination of both, with a 10ml drop each night for 6 nights and then a 40 ml drop on the 7th and continue like that so I stay within the time frame that she suggested.

We spoke a lot about liver damage today and although I haven't been abusing for that long it's already had an impact on my health. I'm a bit torn at the moment between wanting to minimise the health risks and giving myself achieveable targets. If I go for it too quickly then it might seem unmanageable and the effects on my health would be worse if I relapse as it will drag the time of withdrawal on longer than if I go at a steady pace. There isn't really any pressure on me to cut down at all until my first appointment. It was me who asked for some advice until then because of how awful last night was.

I am fully intending to reduce consistently though, regardless of how I do it.

Thanks very much for asking. I'm going to sign off now as I will be over the posting limit soon and I can't trust myself to not post if I'm too drunk to care about it.

Thanks Kokeshi - the support on here is wholly responsible for me going to the appointment today. She asked why I'd made the appointment and I told her about this thread - she said 'what a fab bunch of girls'

Fantastic news BM. You're on your way! It makes such a difference to have a glimmer of hope.

dear bm, I have been lurking here and am so impressed with your honesty, desire to take responsibility and your first step. the road may not be smooth - but if you have a setback, don't give up - we're all here for you.

Well done BM, it sounds like a positive step.

BM, the reduction plan sounds really achievable.

Good luck to you.

Ok, I know that I said I would not post whilst intoxicated again and I?m breaking that by posting now.

I am down to my last 100mls of vodka ? only 4 units left and I?m sober. It?s not the deliriously happy, proud feeling that I expected. It?s very sad actually. I?m questioning whether I?ve been honest with myself about how much I have been drinking. I have empties in every room apart from my son?s bedroom and a good few bottles end up in the bin rather than the recycling box. I?m very frightened that my tolerance has got this high and that I?m wrecking my liver and I?m not even getting drunk.

I?ve just spoke to my ex-p on the phone. He has DS with him and he will collect him from school, bath him and bring him home to bed until I am sober enough to be able to do that myself. At the time I?d drunk 350mls of vodka and I asked him to rate me on a scale of 1-10 with regards to drunkenness. 0 would be completely sober, 10 would be falling down pissed. He said 1 ? that should probably have cheered me up but I?m not feeling at all cheery right now. I?m thoroughly disgusted with myself that I have drunk far too much but appear to be normal. I?m wondering what I must appear to be when I?m sober ? perhaps I?m thoroughly subnormal.

I have done things differently tonight though. I started drinking at about 4pm. There was no guilt or denial attached to my decision to drink. No sneaky trip to the offy. Ex-p has agreed to buy the vodka for me because going to the local offy is just adding to my humiliation. I also asked him to buy me a few packs of crisps and some chocolate. Bless him, he has brought back two family sized bars of galaxy and 2 big bags of Doritos chilli heatwave crisps ? my absolute favourites. I?ve eaten one bar of chocolate and both bags of crisps as well as having a lasagne ready meal earlier on. It must have soaked up all the alcohol because I?m sure I would normally be very drunk by this point.

I have typed this message into Word and previewed before sending to avoid making an arse of myself. I think it?s ok and I hope no-body is offended by the contents. I?m not drunk, but I should be.

I really want to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread. I am humbled that I?ve had so much support and good will sent my way. Not one post has upset me or given me an excuse to hit the bottle harder. Every post has encouraged me to get help and has given me a much need outlet for all of my feelings ? which have not been pleasant for a long time.

you are being hard on yourself though - your efforts today and tonight are commendable. The past is behind you now and you are being so strong picking yourself up.

You ex sounds like a sweety too.

Well done for tonight!

And as for posting stupid things I have said some terrible things on mumsnet before now and am sure I will now (I have even used the c word)

{{{hugs}}}}}}

I don't know what to say really. I think, imo, this is just reality hitting home. You've had the elation of making it to the appointment (and deserved elation) but now you're faced with the reality of cutting back and exactly what 500mls really is.

In terms of not feeling pissed, you obviously are, a bit, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered to worry about how coherent your post was. It's so deceptive trying to judge your own pissedness and even your dp was doing it over the phone, which isn't going to be accurate but yes, again ime, it takes more for an alcoholic to seem pissed than the average person but that doesn't mean your body isn't suffering.

I think you need a real life buddy, as well as your dp, to help you through this. Your dp sounds like he is being wonderful but as he is responsible for ds, do you think it might be worthwhile telling someone else who can be there for you when you need them?

actually, reading that back it sounds a bit heartless (which I didn't mean) - I meant with dp looking out for your ds until you are managing, I wonder whether it might be better to have someone else on call for you iyswim.

When do you have to go back to the clinic? Although it would be brilliant to stick to the exact plan you agreed on, I think the key is to be honest with them.

talk plesase

Can I suggest AA.

If you really want to stop drinking for now, then the best way is to go to one of their meetings. I have been, but have relapsed and no longer attend. It did stop me drinking whilst I made decisions. I do believe that if I ever go back it will help me again. Can I also suggest, against other advice that the only way to control it is to stop. You sound young and although I have no medical training, I would say that if you phone NHS direct, they will say the same. I too am drinking whilst lurking on here. It is not good or clever to be drinking on my own at home. I can feel the pain behind your words and know that you feel that you can combat it when you have had a drink. It is the knowledge that tomorrow you cannot without one. Measuring out your vodka will not help you live with drink as a sensible person would. It will leave you frustrated and wanting more. So that leaves us where. To stick with it until you reach the point where your decisions to have a drink are going to start to cost you things that you very much appreciate when you are not having one. Your children. I appreciate that this sounds awful. I am not suggesting that they are going to be rushed off to care. Eventually someone will notice and then it will be much harder to give up if you are dealing with social services. I saw one lady desparately trying not to drink as her children had been taken into care. The whole situation had her drinking more as she could not cope with it all. Please ponder some of the things I have said as I really really mean it when I say best of luck to you.

lol at using the c world dimpled. I don't think I've ever done that actually, but God knows...I've no idea what I've done when I've been very drunk.

I know that I have insulted people, attacked people unfairly and once I posted very unhelpful words to a lady who was suffering. I'm not drunk but I am uninhibited. I used to be Stiller and I posted on a thread about an anencephalic pregnancy and my post caused a lot of offence and possible pain to the OP. I was very ashamed that night and ended up calling samaritans because I wanted to kill myself - I was that ashamed of myself. My post was not intentionally hurtful but absolutely deviod of feeling and compassion. I didn't drink for 10 days after that but my addiction smacked me in the face very hard when I started again.

I feel very relieved that I have confessed that. Stiller is not my regular posting name btw, I have been a MNr for about 4 years now but I name change regularly because I offend and upset people without meaning to and I am ashamed and afraid of posting again under the same name. This thread has been very therapeutic in the way of helping me to be honest - that's not something that I've been during the past 2 years. I've told some terrible lies and I'm not ready to confess about that but I am ready to stop the lieing (sp) and start getting honest.

Your kindness (special thanks to Franny) have brought tears to my eyes with every post I've read. I honestly want to get better and you've all been fantastic support and have helped me get real about this.

hello am I invisistble?

Brassic, I have posted a couple of times re my drink problem. I've not gone into details tbh. I drink somewhat less than you but have been doing it for longer. the effect is no doubt the same.

I have cut down recently and can feel the difference already, and tbh it's because of advice from certain Mumsnetters and threads like these.

I have to say I take my hat off to you. You've made the first step - a huge step. Bloody well done!

(my usual name is Mercy btw - have a mouse name atm for some reason!)

I agree with you landlady Cutting down is no good to an alcoholic It is ok if you have just been drinking too much and want to get your health back on track but for an alcoholic giving up is the only way as it is the inability to stop that leads most alcoholics into trouble.

Losty, you're not invisible! Are you ok?

looking for my firned

{{{{{{{{hugss}}}}}}}}}}

Losty, it's Mercy here. I know we have a mutual friend (J)

What's up?

I'm going to change backj to my real posting name.

for me i find it easier to just stop drinking, one would always lead to another and another

That isn't really an option for me now SEA - the risk of convulsions is very real - and in all honesty I didn't believe that before my appt today, I was just secretly releived that I wouldn't have to give it up outright straight away.

BM are you epileptic?