Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Earlgrey ? you?re not stealing my thunder at all. Please post more if it helps. I?ve sat here with my head in my hands, drunk or desperate so many times over the past couple of years. I?m not complacent about how far I?ve come because I know it?s just the beginning. I feel differently to how I did on my other attempts to stop though ? this time I?m not intending to drink again. I still can?t call myself the ?A? word or admit that I can?t drink again though. Being told that SS would be informed if I didn?t sort myself out was a big push for me and also the commitment I made to myself to be honest on this thread kept me from cheating.

I?ve just read all your posts again on this thread and I know it?s taken guts to be so honest. Well done for doing it without name-changing too. Have you tried a reduction plan, or would you be willing to do a medical detox? I?m sorry, please just ignore me if you?d rather not talk about it. I just want you to keep posting regardless of what you?re drinking, but I don?t want to pressurise you if it?s not helping. Please don?t be so hard on yourself xx

QC ? Good luck if that?s what you?re going to do, but please be careful. I think a lot of people underestimate the risks with CT ? I didn?t even know there were risks and thought that was what I had to do up until a few weeks ago. I found doing a controlled reduction quite easy in some parts and really, really hard in others, especially when I got down to less than 10 units per night. I think it might have been easier for me to stop at that stage but I?m glad that I didn?t as I think I suffered less withdrawal symptoms by dragging it out a bit. Abstinence is definitely easier than drinking at a safe level ? for me anyway.

Macmama ? I?m glad R has come to terms with his drink problem. I?m hoping that I won?t have to ever admit why I?ve stopped drinking and that people will just assume that I don?t want to anymore. Special occasions where you?re expected to join in a toast and have a small drink whether you?re pregnant, on anti-biotics, on a diet or whatever, are going to be awkward and I think I?ll probably have to be honest there. Even though I?m really craving at the moment I could easily turn down a glass of champagne as I don?t really like it and I?m not going to risk playing mind games with myself for the sake of joining in. I?d love to feel that light-headed feeling again but I would not love to go through a reduction programme again afterwards. I think most people will respect that but no doubt I?ll come across someone sooner or later that will want to make an issue of it.

Franny ? the weather is miserable alright! I bought the boys a Nintendo Wii though so we?re having loads of fun (and fights about who?s turn it is) indoors.

Nearly the end of day 5 for me. Looking forward to completing the week

Thanks for all the posts and positive wishes

Just got back in from night out!! On TV this afternoon I saw a Stongbow cider advert and thought 'oh my god how will I have a night out with no Strongbow?'.

But I did it! Despite thinking it was going to be really boring at first it was ok and the no drinking didn't make any difference (apart from other drunk people being a tad more irritating than usual).

DP even gave me his drink to hold whilst he went to the toilet a couple of times, and I never had any (used to have some of it even if I had my own drink in my other hand ).

Good luck to everyone else for the rest of the long weekend!

BM - great to hear you saying about having a lovely time with your boys!

Brassic - re the toast - at most occasions there is an alternative, usually fruit juice - if not, there's nothing wrong with holding a glass, raising it, and then putting it down and walking off to do something else when the toast is finished. It is only a symbol.

@Hidesitinthecupboard
That is really great, what a fantastic achievement. You must be really proud of yourself! You are right though, nothing worse than being sober when everyone is pissed and obnoxious. When I am the designated driver, I find them more annoying than ever. But you will have a clear, headache free day tomorrow and the satisfaction of having beaten the temptation.

Hey all,

My dad is an alcoholic (albeit very functional) and has ruined many a relationship with drink.

I was very worried for a long time about how my drinking was going, and I had my last one about 3 years ago.

BM - I've read this whole thread from beginning to end, and I so admire what you've done. You must have willpower of cast iron - absolutely amazing. Brings tears to the eyes!

Well done, and good luck for the sober life to come!

BM, congrats on another day sober. Others who've posted about their own experiences and plans, do get advice on the best way forward if you decide you want to try to give up in some way, and take care of yourselves whatever you do decide.

Well done BrassicMOnkey and hiitc. x

How are things today BrassicMonkey, earlgrey, Quattrocento and hidesitinthecupboard? Hope you're enjoying the bank holiday x

Well done Brassic - only been gone two days, and yet again you've made strides

How are you feeling today?

Just remembered what I used to say to people about not drinking - I used to say I was allergic to alcohol: sort of true

But it did get complicated when people wanted to know the symptoms

Now I just say 'I don't drink' and if they ask, 'it doesn't agree with me' and leave it at that. If they really push, they probably have a problem themselves - of one sort or another - so I just smile and change the subject or move away.

That's true Elibean about people who are pressuring you to either drink or quizzing you why you aren't.

When being asked about drink himself, my friend says (in broad Glaswegian accent)

"Ah'm allegic tae drink...it brings me oot in Polis"

allergic

Eli, I am intolerant to yeast. In fact that is one reason I virtually stopped rinking 6 months ago (which is not hard for me as I don't like alcohol much) so you could certainly say it's a yeast allergy. There might be a few drinks with low yeast but it's a reasonable excuse if you need one.

BM, you have been an inspiration to us all.

Tomorrow, I have to get on Eurostar and given how often I have alcohol withdrawal fits I'm absolutuley shitting myself.

That's all really.

Thanks to you all for being there. XXX

Earlgrey, is there any way you can contact your doctor or go to A&E for advice? Will you be alone? If you can't have alcohol at all, I'd be really worried about this. Have you ever been prescribed chlorodiazepoxide (Librium)?

Franny, good idea about raising a glass and then leaving it on a table after a toast. It would take iron will though, but hopefully one day I?ll be able to trust myself enough.

Hidesit ? Well done on your alcohol free night out! The drink adverts are really getting to me at the moment.

Earlgrey Poor you, you must be very scared. I know you said earlier on that you were picking up some diazepam (?). Is that for minimising the risk of convulsions?

Day 6 for me and I feel pretty good. I?m noticing nice things, like my tongue looks healthier and my skin is clearer. I?ve got some thread veins on my right cheek and they are much less noticeable since I?ve stopped drinking too.

I had a horrible dream last night that I was back to drinking and I woke up sooooo relieved that it wasn?t real. Anyone that has put a few years between now and their drinking days, do you ever get to the stage where you feel safe from it and you?re not always trying to manage it?

A weird thing happened on Saturday. I got an Oyster Card through the post. I was thinking of getting one for this week so I could go out on buses with DS to keep him entertained. I must have ordered it online when I was drunk ? amazing that I could fill in all the details properly and have no memory whatsoever about doing it. Quite frightening when you think of what else I might have applied for or signed up to

Well done Brassic, I've heard dreams about returning to drinking called "pillow slips" . I still have them, occasionally but not as often as I used to.

What you're asking about "managing" drink...I know will always have to be vigilant. But there comes a time when you relax about drinking, it's not dominating all your thoughts all the time, and the novelty of being sober wears off.

I forgot how bad it got, and became complacent. It has a strange way of sneaking up on you, and it's been at those times - when nothing much is happening - that I've relapsed.

I was out in a pub on Saturday with my friends which was really weird, and a still a big deal for me, even though I was mostly a home drinker. I just don't like being in the company of drunk people, and you know what? That's OK too. At the beginning I thought I'd be missing out on life if I couldn't ever go to pubs or clubs. it really doesn't bother me now as I have no illusions any more about what drink did for me.

Enjoy your Oyster Card! Blackouts are scary, I don't know how many times I managed to find my way home in foreign countries with no recollection of it.

My dp goes to parties pubs restaurants etc but hasn't drank for 15 yrs so is well down the road.It is a matter of balance He doesn't feel he could live a life solely surrounded with non drinkers.I love wine and he often pours me a glass.He used to have those dreams but hasn't for years now.He says he feels fine with other people drinking and it is not really a problem for him now HTH

Hi BM! Glad your starting to notice the good effects of not drinking. I am feeling constantly shattered at the moment, and can't wait for the feeling of waking in a morning refreshed (although DS sleeping through the night would make a BIG difference obviously). Hoping my psoriasis will improve soon though (hopeful as this was mentioned by Kokeshi in an early post).

You did mention on here that you were getting an Oyster card! Scary when you really just don't remember things though isn't it.

I have quite a dry sense of humour (although some would argue whether I have a sense of humour at all ) and my DP always used to have such a go at me for things I had said to people when drunk, and I would have absolutely no memory of it, and be terrified about seeing them again!

Actually, seems like I have spent a hell of a lot of time apologising to people for things I have done when drunk. Things that usually involve starting arguments with DP and spending the night crying to other people! Yet I used to kid myself that alcohol gave me a high, oh the irony!

Earlygrey - worried for you about your Eurostart trip. Hope whoever you are travelling with is aware of your situation?

Kokeshi - thanks for your support - not really enjoying the bank holiday but only due to the rain! Really do think that a lot of the time I drank of out sheer boredom! Need some friends!!!!

Brassic I do feel completely safe from it, yes. That's not to say that I can't imagine a situation where things went so badly wrong and I ended up drinking again, I am sure it is possible, but it isn't something that I think about or worry about on a daily basis, or, in fact, at all. I hope I never have reason to, again.

There are occasionally times when I feel like I would like a drink. Maybe about 2 years ago, my family were giving me some grief and I just felt that I couldn't cope, and I cried because I couldn't even have a drink to help with it. That was the last time I have felt more than "mmm, a drink would be good. Ah well".

Oh and I don't have any problem being around people who are drinking, but I DO have a problem being around people who are drunk. I don't like it at all and I'll do quite a lot to avoid it. It's the loss of control thing - to me it is scary and ugly. If I'm in a group of friends and people are getting pissed, I'll talk to someone who isn't pissed. If everyone is pissed, I will go home

Franny you sound like dp.I am sure there have been times when my health situation has pushed him like that but he is focused on giving us a better family life than he had with alcoholic parents and so is motivated by that.I sometimes forget how hard it must be as it has been so long so I take my hat off to all of you

But life when you are drinking is so much harder than life when you are not drinking

I don't know how people who carry ON drinking do it, actually, everything is so dreadfully difficult and you feel miserable as sin most of the time

God yes, agree with F&Z, life not drinking is so much easier. Not necessarily less painful, at times, but a lot less complicated.

The energy I used to put into it all

BM, am going to try and answer your ?.

I do feel safe with regard to alcohol, and have done for years. I've had some deeply painful times over the past twenty years (as everyone does, I imagine), and strangely, I've not craved a drink or drug once during them - wanted to run away, yes, but using/drinking haven't entered my head except in terms of surprise that I don't want to.

The first few years, I'd have odd moments of wishing I could. In my case, I found that specific feelings made me want specific drinks/drugs - so that just became a sort of flagging-up system. eg on a hot summer's day, I might crave lager - always meant I was thirsty but hadn't noticed. Anger sometimes made me want a cigarette (which I gave up about four years after stopping drinking). I suppose everyone has their individual triggers, be it feeling great or feeling ashamed or whatever - which can make you more vulnerable, until you learn what they are.

Knowing there are simple steps I can take if ever I want to drink is why I feel safe, mostly. Time, too. I do trust myself now, quite a lot - but I also trust myself to ask for help when I need to. When I first stopped drinking, I didn't trust myself at all - but I did trust a few AA members, a counsellor, a vague notion of a higher power. Asking to be kept clean and sober each morning helped me feel safe, too.

I did have fears about relapse whenever I was feeling helpless or out of control (which was a lot) during the first year of sobriety, especially the first six months. As for those dreams....I still very occasionally (maybe once every couple of years) get them today, after 21 years: they serve as a good reminder that I'm still an alcoholic/addict, and I still feel glad and relieved when I wake up. I don't mind them at all

EarlGrey, I wish you could get to a doctor before getting on that train - any chance? Do you really have to go?

wow elibean 21 yrs that must seem like another life now Well done