Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

I feel irritated and bored quite frequently. It's kind of in the background for large parts of my day, sometimes. Drinking just isn't on the list of things that I do to deal with that, anymore. I don't know exactly how you get from there to here, Brassic, but I know you said it is helpful to hear about people who are leading ordinary pleasant lives after having drink problems. I just wanted to point out that having angry and frustrated feelings is quite normal and long term you can develop different ways to deal with them.

What do you do to deal with it, FrannyandZooey? I'm always looking for things that help. Still feel very new to it, actually.

LOL

mumsnet helps

I don't really do anything constructive or effective

the feelings just kind of sit around and after a while they pass

I am still learning that it is ok to actually experience strong emotions without trying to smother them in some way - just live through them, they can be unpleasant but they won't kill you

Very good, BM. I think when people give up their addictive substance whatever it is, there is a sort of "dullness", calm, which may be is a serene unmoving blue sea. You don't get the peaks and troughs, highs and lows and learning to live with that is hard for some people.

Slightly off point but I am amazed I didn't realise my mother drank. I can't understand how my sister did and I didn't. Was I willfully blind teenager or selfish or uninterested? We knew her behaviour in the evenings was strange - she'd come into the living room when top of the pops was on and do stupid dancing (she was a brilliant dancer but you could see it was strange) but may be I just didn't at the time understand drink or its effects. She confided in my younger sister in a way no one should in a teenage girl. As I said below she gave up alcohol in 1983 on my wedding day and never drunk again and she did that alone. As far as I now she didn't go to AA or get help. It must have been difficult for her as a lot of my father's psychiatric patients including those who came to our house were alcoholics.

Anyway keep doing so well.

earlg, anything is possible. It can get better.

What I have never understood is how people can effect the change. How if you're addicted, physically and mentally and have the brain chemistry and genetic inheritance to make you so, you can ever take the step to stop yourself taking the addictive substance? Is it a switch in the brain that suddenly realises the life addicted is a worse life than how it could be and if so how does that will power ever develop to a point where the decision is taken? It seems to have to come from the person themselves so it's no good if someone hides your cigarettes, alcohol, cocaine or whatever.

Damn, so there's no magic bullet? Bah. Thanks for the reply though. It's good to know that it's possible to get through the strong emotions without my head exploding.

My dad is an alcoholic. Has been for as long as I can remember but would NEVER admit it to himself as I genuinely don't believe he thinks he is one (or that there is anything wrong at all with his drinking).

What made me decide I wanted to quit drinking (7th day today ) was the realisation that I was starting to get just as bad as him. The second I knew I didn't have to drive again that day, or the last mindee left, I would crack open a bottle. On a weekend I would have a bottle hidden in the salad drawer of the fridge (DP never goes in there), and frequent the kitchen much more than necessary for a few swigs/gulps, sometimes starting mid morning. When DP was at work sometimes only had 1 hour from last mindee leaving till he came home from work, so had to drink as much as I could in that time, then hide the bottle(s). Also realised I was starting to repeat myself and do all the things my dad does when drunk which irritate me.

Was supposed to be visiting my parents this weekend but have made my excuses cause there is no way it would be an alcohol free weekend. Everything revolves around alcohol in my family (although I do admit I was always one of the worst for instigating it) and to just say 'I don't fancy a drink' would cause soooo much hassle and sooooo many questions. Also, spending a weekend with my family would make my craving for a drink far too much for me to be strong at the moment.

Anyway, getting back to the point I had in mind when I started typing! (Don't know why I said all the rest, sorry).

We are having a night out tomorrow for a friends birthday. I am driving, which is usually DP's job (he is finding it rather strange that I am insistant that I will drive). BUT I do have the excuse that I AM on anti biotics for an infection in my sinuses.

Really worried about it though cause have never ever spent time with these people sober (DP's friends). Will probably just stand there counting down the seconds till we can leave and I am away from temptation (shouldn't be too late a night as MIL is a tad strange when it comes to babysitting)!

Really hope that your BBQ has gone well BM . Everyone else is giving you great advice, and you are doing so well. Keeping up to date with your thread is helping me, and quite a few others too I can imagine! Thank you X

Just realised how long, rambling and pointless that post was! Sorry everyone

hide, of course it wasn't. It was interesting. It reminded me of my mother who apparently never had a single drop until she'd finished the school run every day. And it was lager she drank - no one would be believe you could be an alcoholic on lager but she was.

Magic bullets? I really don't know. We might find a genetic key. We might even find something via stem cell research. I don't think making someone feel aversion to that which they're addicted to really helps. You probably have to get to the reason they escape their problems through the addiction and look at and face and solve those problems - so a mental though - ah, X went wrong, I shouted at the child or I have a debt I can't pay or work is going badly so STOP I won't go right off and have a drink, take cocaine or whatever it is, I'll analyse that, may be write down how I feel, undertake a distracting tactic, wait until the feeling disappears and then deal with the problem.

The problem can be that the huge pleasure from the addictive substance can be so huge. My mother could never give up smoking and she in essence killed herself with empheseyma and lung cancer (probably better and slower than alcohol poisoning) and she would always say the pleasure she took from the nicotine was so high, so much better than being without it. I'm not sure if alcohol is the same as isn't it more a depressant than a thing that makes you high, something that dulls pain rather than gives you ecstasy so perhaps my generalisation about various addictions is wrong.

It's the illusion of a high that makes it so addictive (in my somewhat irrelevant and non educated opinion ).

I keep telling myself that the alcohol doesn't give me an actual high, it just dulls the pain/stress/worries, etc, and deaden the senses. Therefore once the hangover has gone the next day, I feel I need the alcohol again to get inebriated for the same temporary relief.

Reading a book at the moment (recommended by another mumsnetter on a different thread) which has given me these theories, really didn't think that it would make any sense to me, but does seem to be helping.

What's the book, Hides?

Well I?m back, and I didn?t drink. It was uncomfortable but not unbearable. No-one asked or even seemed to notice that I was drinking apple juice ? perhaps they thought it was wine, or more likely they aren?t interested in what everyone else has in their glasses.

Walking in was the worst bit. Usually I would have had a good few before going out and I really did feel shy and awkward. I knew almost everyone there and it was a lot like doing the school run so I was ok after a few minutes. Glad to be home now though.

Franny ? It?s been so easy up until this point to smother any negative feeling with alcohol. It never occurred to me just to put up with it or use the feeling constructively. I?m often bored with my life and I should have used that feeling to think about how I can stop being so bored, but it was much easier to live a false life with vodka. Same with anger, it?s not that irrational or non-maternal to feel angry and sad when your child is not developing the way other peoples children are ? but again, it?s easier to push the feeling away than admit to it. Drink did allow me to not feel those negative things, but it?s robbed me of all the positive emotions too and I?ve been living like a virtual recluse.

Hidesit ? Well done! 7 days is fantastic ? a whole week of not drinking . Looking forward to when I can say ?I haven?t drunk for x weeks, rather than I haven?t drunk for x days?. I think you?re right to avoid triggers at the moment. I?m quite lucky in that I don?t socialise with anyone that is a heavy drinker, or is even bothered about having a drink. I know I couldn?t handle being around a drunk person at the moment. (I liked your long post too )

I?m not feeling well tonight (another bloody UTI) so I?m off to have a snack and an early night.

Alan Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol

Bit hard to get into at first and took me a while to start reading it properly, but am two thirds through now and feeling much more positive about things.

DP saw it and keeps taking the mickey, but he really has no idea how hard it was for me to buy it in the first place. Nor does he seem to understand, no matter how much he says I drink too much and 'jokes' about me being an alcoholic (as do his parents), that I drank every night because I actually couldn't not. That I couldn't pass the shops on the way home from school without buying more alcohol (even if I told myself right upto the last minute that I wouldn't). Had even started venturing further away from home as was getting paranoid that people who worked in the local shops had noticed how much I was buying.

Hi BM! Glad that it went well. Another successful day under your belt!!!

Hope you feel better soon (and enjoy that lovely natural sleep ) XX

Brassic that was a big step today, great stuff

yes I think it is good to be bored, or cross, or sad

it does indeed point out to you areas of your life which need changing, and it really doesn't kill you

I don't get anywhere near so depressed now as when I was drinking, anyway. I used to drink to medicate my depression but over the years it just exacerbated it and I believe prolonged it

Don't know why I looked at this thread, meant to be just a quick glance but I was fascinated by the account of giving up alcohol. I don't drink, never have, and after going out with someone who had a drink problem for two years when I was very young (teens) and my grandfather's death of alcohol-related illness, I fear that I would probably deal with alcohol badly. Your reduction programme has taken courage. Hope you continue to cope with not drinking and with caring for your son.

Well done BM and hiitc. The biggest thing I've had to learn to do is sit with my feelings until the run their course. Quite a revelation that, and amazingly they do pass. Sometimes I actually enjoy the mundane - I couldn't be doing with the racing brain any more.

morning BM

Happy Sunday to you!

I hope you are feeling better - UTI are so horrible, look after yourself.

Well done on the BBQ - I think that is a really big step to take and you did it!

Have a wonderful day.

'see' you later!

Hi BM, just popping out. Wishing you well for today. x

BM - fantastic! You know we're all proud of you!

Don't want to steal your thunder, but do you know what? I'm sitting here with my head in my hands because I haven't achieved what you have. And that's after two years. My heart goes out to you, and loads of love. XXX

Hey BM

Controlled drinking was a truly ridiculous idea - all I did yesterday was get horribly drunk - your way is the best way I feel sure. Going completely cold turkey myself from now on.

Offline for a couple of days but shall be thinking of you. Keep up the good work.

QC, just be very careful. I don't know how much you drunk/drink, but CT for me meant a couple of fits and visits to hospital. Not nice. XXX

How you doing BM? Quattro and earlgrey, hope you find some support that works for you, you know what I'd recommend anyway but keep posting on here in the meantime.

If you're drinking a lot, it's best to detox under the supervision of the GP at least - those fits are really dangerous. Wishing you well and if you need support we're here. x

@Brassic
I have been away from home for a few days and have just been catching up on how you are doing.

WELL DONE!!! I am really happy to hear how well you are coping. Am glad that you managed to go to the BBQ and drank apple juice.

I hate it when people insist on you having a drink. Some folks just don't understand that you might not want to drink, it is beyond them. I don't know of any good way of getting around it, except when you are ready to just say, that you are an alcoholic and that you can't drink. I realise that that will take time, and lots of guts. But you have proved over the past few weeks that you are very brave and determined, so I am sure that you will be able to tackle this problem honestly at some time.

We were at my DH hometown and met up with an old schoolfriend of his. He has been drinking for over 10 years, and has now been off alcohol for over 7 months. I am so pleased for him, and could see that it must be difficult to cope in a situation where everyone was drinking (we were at a winefest). He went through a phase where he would try to have an odd drink when he went out but he always ended up completely off the rails. He has now accepted that he will never be able to drink socially again.

I used to get very annoyed with my DH other friend, who used to say, ohno, it is not a problem, R can handle his drink, he isnt an alcoholic, he just likes a drink.
I could never understand how he could watch his friend ruin his life through drinking and not see that his friend needed help. Even when R was hospitilised, on more than one occasion. He seems to have realised now, at long last, that his friend is an alcoholic and that he shouldn't plan drinking tours with him.

Sorry, I have rambled on a bit, but it was so nice to meet R this weekend and see how well he was getting on. I was thinking of Brassic and the others on this thread.

@Hidesitinthecupboard
Hope that you are doing ok, well done for all you have achieved in the past week. Have you spoken to your DH yet about your problem? Perhaps you would manage a visit to your family better if he was there to give you support.

Brassic! so pleased you are doing so well. Your liver begins to repair itself instantly you stop drinking (so I understand) so already you will be healthier and on the road to total wellness again. Good luck for tonight and all the nights to come until the first one when you realise you haven't given drink a thought - that you are no longer a drinker. I too have found at parties etc that people don't question my choice of a soft drink. It's much more common these days what with diets and health kicks and so on.

Hidesitinthecupboard, good luck to you. I too used to do the 'no more driving so a swig every time I went to the kitchen where I had some stashed'. I shudder to think of the risks I took and what anyone would have thought if they came in and found me guiltily crouching and gulping from the neck of the bottle! Oh dear. What a very strange, secretive, furtive and obsessive life I used to lead then. No pleasure in drinking when it gets to that stage.

EarlGrey, QC, and anyone else determined to turn your back on it - well done to you and the best of luck.

Hiya Brassic

just wondering how you are doing and thinking of you this long wet bank holiday
x