Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

And re toasts...I usually say no to the champagne when brought round, but lift my water glass for the toast. Its never been commented on, and tbh I wouldn't care if it was!

dh, on the other hand, who doesn't drink either, tends to take one, raise it, and put it down untouched.

Each to his own

Hi, NH!

Yes, it does. Several lifetimes ago, and yet just the other day. Funny thing, getting older in AA terms is seen as good - with some reason - but I wouldn't mind being a few years younger in every other sense

Equally well done to you, you know: I've had a few health problems in those 21 years and know how scary and challenging that can be too - and they weren't a patch on yours.

Survivors all

You're a great example Elibean x

don't think so, K, just old!

But thanks.

Posted on your other thread, speaking of examples - its lovely to read.

Thanks . Have had a bit of a rest today, it's been a hectic few days with all the listening!

hidesit...is your psoriasis bad at the moment? At my worst point, I had it all over, and I mean that literally. It made detox even more of a challenge as your skin tends itch like mad anyway.

For the first time in years, my skin is practically clear of it. I have a few tiny patches on each knee the size of my pinky nail. Unbelievable really, and those are just the superficial benefits.

It's great that there's such a wealth of experience on this thread too. I'm sure it's really helpful for many more people than have actually posted on it.

Hello BM. Hope you are feeling well today. I just wanted to say quickly that when I posted the other day when you were having a hard time with your DS I hadn't properly registered that he had ASD - so hope it didn't sound too offhand or dismissive. It must very hard for you and you are doing briliantly.

Hidesit & Kokeshi ? I really thought that I remembered everything the morning after drinking. It?s shocked me that I have no memory of ordering that Oyster Card at all. I remember posting on here that I was going to get one for this week, but I must have ordered it a couple of weeks ago when I was still drinking fairly heavily as otherwise surely I would remember doing it. I?m glad I haven?t been considering buying new sofas or TV?s or anything because I?d be worried about what was going to turn up that I?d also forgotten about

Hidesit ? How are you doing? I think you?re 3 days ahead of me and I?m about to complete my first sober week . I?m noticing more nice things everyday. The best thing is that my long term memory is coming back and that I?m able to concentrate again. When I was still drinking, even if I was sober, I couldn?t remember the names of songs, dates and pin numbers and I?d have to really concentrate to get my own telephone number correct or to recall what month were in.

I did my first major grocery shop this afternoon and obviously we completely boycotted the liquor aisle. They had big bottles of Smirnoff on an end though and I can?t lie, they were really appealing and I was thinking how nice the label was and how the liquid was crystal clear . I didn?t stop and stare at them and I wasn?t tempted to pick one up but I don?t know what I would have done if I?d be on my own. I definitely couldn?t trust myself around alcohol at the moment ? that?s shocked me tbh. I thought I?d look at the bottles and feel angry.

Franny ? I?ve always found drunk people irritating and have prided myself on being a happy, in-control drinker . I started reading this thread back and had to stop because it makes me cringe to read my drunk posts. I wasn?t in control at all! I?d hate to turn into the alcoholic equivalent of the stereotypical whinging ex-smoker (not comparing smoking to social drinking, of course) but I don?t want to be around drunk people and I think I?d find it hard to be around someone who was drinking vodka ? for the moment at least.

Elibean ? wow! 21 years is fantastic. You are an inspiration.

Kazzia ? I didn?t take your post to be offhand or dismissive at all. I?ve no experience of NT but I?m sure all 5 year olds are challenging. It?s my own emotions regarding his diagnosis, rather than his behaviour that I?ve hid behind the drink. There?s also a lot of positives to having a child with a disability like seeing them achieve something that other children just do naturally, but for DS it might have taken lots of hard work from him and others to get there. If DS didn?t have ASD I?m sure I could come up with other reasons (excuses) why I?ve abused drink or want to continue.

The psoriasis thing is interesting. I?ve got it too, but I don?t know whether it?s related to alcohol abuse. It started 10 years ago but has got worse over the past few years. I put that down to poor hygiene, but the raw patches on my nose and cheeks are starting to heal now and the colour has toned down.

My PC is back in the repair shop tomorrow so I?m going to unplug it and box it up now. I?ll try and use ex-p?s machine until mine is back but if I don?t post for a few days it won?t be because I?ve relapsed and am staying away out of shame. I?m going to phone the AA lady tonight and try and arrange to go to a meeting tomorrow.

Earlgrey ? if you?re back before I am, I hope everything?s ok.

Hi all
My psoriasis started when I was 17, way before I started drinking to excess, but I only ever had it on my scalp and the ocassional patch on knee's and elbows.

Last year I started getting it on my forarms, and it has got really bad and also have patches on tops of my arms and legs too. (Knees and elbows bad as well).

Desperately hoping that this is something that will improve???

BM - well done on your big shop . I did one on Sunday and managed to avoid the alcohol too (had DS with me and although it never stopped me, always felt guilty buying alcohol when he was with me).

Have to admit that I am really struggling today. Already have my excuse to pop to Tesco Express in my mind. Been very stressed and financial problems that I thought were sorted have gone to pot and don't know what I am going to do .

@Brassic
Good on you for resisting the alcohol aisle in the supermarket, I guess it will take a while before you can just wander past the bottles without giving them a second glance. At the moment your life is full of firsts: first day/week/month/year without drink, first bbq without drink, first shop without drink... Soon that will all be routine, and I hope that it will get easier. You really have done a great job so far. I am positive that you will make it.
I am glad you are going to the AA meeting, it will be good for you to get some feedback and support in RL. Good luck.

@Hidesit
Don't give in, you have done so well. It is difficult when you are stressed and you have financial problems, but once you have mastered them you will be even stronger. It has been great to read your post these past weeks. You and the others on this thread are a real inspiration. You can do it!

Hey BM how are you doing? did you give the AA lady a call? How are you finding half-term? Hope you've had fun with your Oyster Card.

Hiitc, How are things with you? I hope you were OK after Tuesday night. I know the temptation to drink is really strong when there are other pressures, but drink is only a temporary fix, and then you're left with the guilt the next day. Lets us know how you are.

Earlgrey, are you back from your trip yet? I hope you were OK on the eurostar.

Quattrocento, thinking of you too. Would love to hear how you're doing.

Hi Brassic, I know your pc is in the repair shop but I just wanted to leave a message for when you get back online.

Hope you are doing ok and I am sending you lots of positive thoughts

HI all,

Sorry I haven't been around so much. Lots of Life going on.

BM I hope you're managing ok without your pc support-network. I've been thinking of you xxx

Hi to anyone that?s still reading.

I?ve just finished day 11 of abstinence and I?m pretty chuffed with myself.

Kokeshi ? I did make arrangements to go to a meeting during the week but had to cancel as DS got a D+V bug and then I got it. I will text the lady from AA tomorrow though and try to arrange a meeting for this coming Monday.

Half-term has brought challenges with it that I wasn?t expecting. DS has really missed his usual school routine and we haven?t been able to get out because we?ve been ill. When it was just him that was ill I really, really struggled to keep away from drink. I kept thinking about how well I?d done and how it hadn?t been that hard and almost convincing myself that I could have a night off from being sober. I really was taking it minute by minute but if I?d have been able to get out of the flat I think I may have lapsed. When I came down with it too I was glad that I didn?t give in. There?s no way I could have dealt with being ill, looking after DS and nursing a hangover all in one. I really missed this thread as well. Writing things down helps me get some perspective and make decisions ? and obviously the support I?ve got and, rightly or wrongly, feeling that people will be disappointed with me if I gave in. My PC is going back in for repair next week (I?m getting really pissed off with this bloody repair shop), so I will make sure I have meetings to go to if I lose my PC over night again (if I get on at the meetings that is).

Hidesit ? How are you doing?

Earlgrey ? Please post when you get back just to let us know you?re ok

Blimey, Brassic, what a challenge

you have done extremely well but I am sure you know that

bad news about the pc but maybe this is all meant to be, in that it forces you to work on a real life support network, maybe this is the next stage for you

So pleased to hear you're doing so brilliantly, Brassic. It's not easy when you're ill - quite a challenge - I've never wavered yet in my 4 years dry, but I think being ill would be quite a temptation to use my old way of 'making myself feel better' - but I remind myself that the relief offered by drink is limited to that first gulp and glow and then it merely makes me feel actually worse, for much longer.

EarlGrey, HIITC - hope to hear from you soon. My heart goes out to anyone who got sucked into drink and is stuggling to come out, so do keep posting.

Wow, good going BM. I'm sorry you and DS have been ill, and also sorry your computer is sick - but think F&Z has an excellent point, maybe you can use that as a helpful nudge!

You've been so positive thus far, somehow am sure you will.

xxx

well done BM - another challenge you have risen above!

HI Brassic, all

You are a complete star and I want to know how you stayed off the booze in times of stress.

Managing to do fine during the week when everything is chaotic and I am at work mostly so no time for anything. But the weekends can be so stressfull - much more so than work IMO - and so I just collapse and open a bottle of wine, and then another bottle and so on.

It is progress of a sort but I'd really like to give up entirely. Feel like a such a girly wuss for not cracking it when you've cracked a bigger battle.

Hello everyone

I agree Franny and Elibean. This thread is approaching 1000 posts so will be closed soon and while it?s given me a lot of support and reasons to get/stay sober, I have to start addressing why this happened to me. Staying off the drink isn?t enough long term, even if I do manage it without support, I?ll just be miserable. I need to branch out now.

I?ve texted the lady from AA to ask if she can go to a meeting tomorrow evening. EX-P is moving out tomorrow and while I?ve needed the support and am really grateful that he gave it, we?re irritating each other and both need our single lives again. So, I?m hoping that she won?t be busy with something else. I?m not going to attempt to go alone as I get very nervous and knowing that DS will be at EX-P?s for a few hours could play on my mind and I?ll end up at the off-licence instead [shudder]. If she can?t make it, I?ll go back to my last posting name on here and MN all evening, phone someone, do a jigsaw puzzle?anything to keep myself busy.

Quattro ? I didn?t seriously give myself any options when I was stressed. I did play a few mind games but I know I can?t have ?a? drink, because I don?t want ?a? drink ? I only want to get to the stage of nothingness and I know I can?t do that again, because if I did where would it end? How would I stop myself from doing it the next day and the next day and the next day? It?s not been about willpower or strength, the opposite in fact, I feel defeated and weak because I?m not battling it anymore. I wish I could say that everything is falling into place now I?m sober and I?m coping really well with everything, but I?m not really. I?ve got such a massive backlog of things to deal with including sleep ? I actually slept until 8pm (yes PM) yesterday as I was soooooo exhausted ? and there are bills and house jobs piled up all around me. It?s mentally and physically exhausting and I?d love to get wasted again to give myself some space from it, but it?s not an option so it?s not an argument worth having with myself anymore. It?s more about sadness now because I still really miss that feeling and I?m so pissed off with myself for wanting to go back there again. It?s not all bad though and I do feel relieved that I?m not battling anymore.

Sorry Quattro, that came out rant fashion. It was what you said about feeling like a girly wuss and it seems ironic because I feel like I?m the wussy loser and the ones that are still battling and trying to control drink are much stronger than me. It?s the opposite to how I expected to feel at almost 2 weeks sober.

Hey BrassicMonkey, what a fantastic post. Just keep being honest with yourself and you will reap the rewards. Recovery is a long term thing - a work in progress - for all of us who're plugging away at it. It's still really early days yet and hopefully when you get to a meeting, it will give you a bit more hope that you don't have to have all the answers yourself.

I was told when I first started attending AA meetings: "bring your body and your mind will follow" and "just keep coming back". We can't help projecting what's going to happen, but sometimes it's just about a leap of faith.

Keep ranting...if it keeps you and anyone else here sober for another day, then it's so worth it.

Hope whatever happens tonight, things go as well as possible. Just read the last few posts on this massive thread and wanted to add my support to you.

Thanks Kokeshi and Tigermoth

I?ve spent a long time on the phone to the lady from AA this morning. EX-P can?t have DS this evening so I?m going to a meeting tomorrow. It?s worked out well because it?s a local meeting but in the opposite direction to where friends and family live, so very little chance of bumping into anyone that knows me. I know it?s all confidential but I?m scared of being exposed, even to another drinker.

Today has been bloody hard again. I?ve been teasing myself thinking about the off-licence. I find the conversations with this lady really emotional as she?s so obviously genuine and very, very nice, but my gut reaction to dealing with emotions is to kill them with drink. The cravings are so bad sometimes and I indulge them because it?s like dreaming of being a size 10 or going on holiday ? even though it?s not going to happen I enjoy the fantasy. I can think of loads of reasons why I want to chuck it in today ? I?m going to AA tomorrow so I could class today as my last ?free? night, it?s normal to lapse occasionally, I need to test myself to see if I?m really an alcoholic etc? It pisses me off so much because I know I?m not going to go to the off-licence because I won?t let myself do it. But still I?m thinking of reasons to go and ways to get drunk tonight that no-one else will find out about. It?s so infuriating and frightening and bloody exhausting. I?m so determined not to give in and I wish I could get every part of my brain to take that on board so I stop taunting myself like this.

Sorry, this is a ranty post but I feel calmer after writing it. Now I?m ready to get on with some housework for an hour or so until the school run.

BrassicMonkey, you're doing fantastically well. Tomorrow isn't so far away and look how much you've achieved in this time and how much effort it's taken.

I know that feeling of wanting to "get away with it", my last relapse was like this and honestly, the feelings of self-disgust the next day almost overwhelmed me. Far worse than anyone else could make you feel. It's so not worth it.

I'm so please that you're doing this for yourself. Opening up to someone is really frightening, but also in my experience, life-changing. It won't feel like this forever, I promise.