Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

BM, they way you're describing osessing about drinking is actually said to be one of the elements alcoholism. In AA we are told that we have a threefold illness.

I found quite a good explanation of it for you here.

obsessing

Just read the whole thread in one gulp. Awed by the change you and so many others have managed to make. What you said about psoriasis, yellow skin and eyes and dodgy breath suggests you'd probably find the Liver Cleansing Diet book useful. Dr Cabot spells out why the liver matters so much and how best to coax it back to optimum performance when it's been abused. Best of all, when you follow the advice (not a strict diet, more a code of conduct) you find you only want to eat good stuff. I speak as a woman with an unhealthy fascination with icecream and chocolate but I just don't fancy them when I'm eating properly. Oh and as a side effect, you tend to lose weight, feel fitter and lose the gluey tongue feel.

All the very best to you, your DS and ex-P.

BM - did you ever get the drink less mind by Georgia Foster with the hypnosis CD - perhaps if you listened to that when you felt cravings it may help? I'll happily send you it if you want it

Thanks Kokeshi ? I?m almost certain that I won?t lapse and the cravings are not that often. I don?t know if this is a good idea or not but I?ve promised myself that I can get really drunk again?one day, just not today. If I think that every day then getting drunk again will always be in the future but won?t actually ever happen. Not sure if that will work long term though, or maybe I should be facing up to never being allowed to do it again. I can imagine the feelings of self-loathing would be horrendous if I lapsed but I can?t help wishing that that I didn?t know that and could just go head-first into a binge and worry about the consequences later. I can?t really explain the way I feel. It?s a bit like wishing you were drunk and careless just so you can get even more drunk and careless ? but I suppose that?s how I got here, by keeping on topping up the carelessness with more vodka to keep the responsible thoughts quiet. That probably makes no sense, but I don?t know how to express it properly. I just want to not give a shit again, like I did when I was drinking, but I know I can?t and that?s frightening (as well as selfish, I know).

I liked the link btw. If I ever see another ?am I an alcoholic?? thread, I may link to that. I definitely have that trifold.

Beanbearer ? A lot of the unpleasant side-effects of drinking/withdrawing have subsided now. The psoriasis is still there, but a lot better. I think that?s probably more down to better personal hygiene (not that it?s caused by that, but being sweaty and dirty probably aggravated the lesions and I used to scratch and pick when the scales built up through not sloughing them off during normal washing). My eyes aren?t yellow, they just looked it in one photo and it worried me, my skin does look a bit yellow though - possibly my imagination, I?m not sure. I think the dodgy breath was down to being constipated when I first stopped drinking, which has improved a lot. My tongue looks healthier now, but still not totally pink. I?ll look up that book, it can?t be a bad idea to help my liver along at the moment ? thanks

Hamma ? I?ve got a huge order on Amazon at the moment but there were one or two books recommended on here that I couldn?t find. I can?t remember if the Georgia Foster book was one of them. I?ll have a look and CAT you if I can?t get hold of it. Thanks

good luck with the meeting tonight

again, don't be too hard on yourself. You're changing ingrained habits here. Your brain has an automatic way of dealing with emotions - for you, that automatically meant reaching for a drink. Now, you're trying to reprogram the way you deal with emotions and it's not an easy thing to do. But slowly and surely, you'll start to build up a new way of dealing with stress/emotion and you already sound like you're making good progress.

I really do hope it goes well. Are you still having counselling with that other person (at the clinic)?

Hope the meeting is positive for you

really good to see you slogging away at this and still posting

Thanks Franny. I?m nervous about the meeting and I?ve ballsed up big time with the area. I got Norbury and Norwood muddled up so now I?ve got to find my way to SE London this evening. It?s not that far but awkward on public transport so I?ll be leaving very early and probably waiting around for a long time until I meet the lady from AA. Still, it?s for the best as EX-P is collecting DS from school and keeping him over-night. It?s my first night alone since I stopped completely so it?s probably good that I?ll be out for a long time this evening and won?t be back until after the offy closes.

FIS ? thank you. The clinic have been a bit of a let down. They still don?t have any appointments for counselling and no indication of when they will have. If I get on at AA tonight then I?ll probably write to them and tell them that I?ve stopped drinking and have found an alternative means of support. I think it?s a bit off that they mentioned SS but haven?t even phoned to ask how much I?m still drinking (I mean that from my DS?s point of view, not mine).

that is poor Brassic - especially about the counselling. It could be so useful.

See how it goes - perhaps let the clinic keep you on the counselling waiting list.

good luck with your trek across south london!

BM, this is exactly what I told myself at the very beginning. It was very much a day at a time. Gradually, the feelings of anticipation of being able to drink "one day" fade, as your life improves. If it helps you get through the day, it's not a bad thing. Anyway to avoid lifting the first drink is absolutely valid.

The disadvantage with NHS addiction services is that they're often stretched to breaking point, which means putting you on hold when you're desperate for support. This time is crucial for you and hopefully AA will give you that. I imagine in London there are hundreds of meetings, in fact if you need to find one, you can go to the online Where to Find. There's a book called "Where to find", which a list of all meetings across the UK. This is invaluable if you decide that you need a meeting and want to go yourself.

Well done for keeping on track with this. I really admire your commitment to this. Your ds will reap the rewards too.

You?re right, there are hundreds of meetings in London. I could probably go to 2 a day, every day, without doing unreasonable amounts of travelling. I?m hoping that the meeting tonight won?t give me a headache journey as Tuesdays are convenient WRT childcare and I?ll be a little bit familiar with it after tonight (at least I?ll know where the toilets are and what door to go in, things like that). Also this meeting starts a bit earlier than most which is better as EX-P can?t have DS to stay every Tuesday night which means that he?ll have to let himself in my flat while I?m not here, to put DS to bed, and then stay until I?m home. He?s also up at 4am every morning so it?s not fair to keep him waiting here until very late. Perhaps now I?m sober I should make plans to start learning to drive. I could ask him to give me a lift every week, but I want this to be somewhere that I go to without others needing to encourage me.

Maybe it?s a good thing that the clinic don?t have any appointments. I don?t think the 2 programs would work together and I prefer the anonymity and principles of AA. Also, the ?fellowship? of AA appeals to me much more than speaking to a counsellor on a ?patient to doctor? basis.

I you let it be known to your contact tonight that you're in need of transport, she may be able to get someone local to you to pick you up and take you to meetings closer to where you live. That was what was done for me in the beginning and it really helped having that wee bit of guidance at the start.

There are also morning meetings and lunchtime meetings, that may be better for you with DS. At the beginning, it's important to get to as many meetings as possible so that you get a god feel for it. All are different and you may get more from some than others.

How did you get on Brassic?

I'm another one who read this thread in one go and have so much respect for the massie effort you have made Brassic, also deeply impressed by the level of practical and emotional support on here.

My issues with alcohol are teeny compared to some on here, but it has humbled me into changing mine and my dp's habits once and for all.

Really well done Brassic

Thanks Piffle and Dino

Hi Kokeshi. The meeting was nothing like I expected, and the people there were not what I expected either. It was very informal, people moving around while others were ?sharing?, going outside for cigarettes and swearing ? that?s not a negative thing, I just thought everyone would be clapping and hugging each other . I was worried that it would be very cheesy with lots of false sympathy being handed out.

I couldn?t relate to the person who chaired the meeting or to anything that he was saying. He really reminded me of my dad and I found him irritating. I felt so bad for this because he came and spoke to me after the meeting, thanking me for coming, telling me that it would get better and encouraging me to keep going and not to pick up another drink. I felt really nasty that I?d judged him then.

The lady who met me outside is just as nice in person as she is on the phone. She doesn?t drive but she walked all the way back to Streatham Hill with me so we could get our buses home together. It?s a bloody long walk, uphill, so that was nice of her. I spoke to another woman at the meeting too, who I had a lot in common with and we?ve exchanged telephone numbers so we can go to meetings together in future.

I don?t think I?ll go back to that meeting again as it was a long walk. It was fine going there as it was still light and all downhill, but the return journey would have been a bit iffy if I was on my own. I might try a newcomers meeting or a women?s meeting next, or maybe one of the step meetings.

I?ll speak to the lady that met me again tomorrow and I?ll ask her about this, but how do I start with the steps, or when do I do that? There was a lot of talk about sponsors but I don?t know if you have to have one or you get one if you?re lucky, really need it etc. Also, do the step meetings concentrate on one step each week?

Hey BM, that's perfectly normal - you won't identify with every speaker, but the best thing to do is just attend as many different meetings as you can until you find some that are more suited to you.

I'll try and answer your other question - I just typed out a really long reply and I somehow managed to close the tab.

So, what's a sponsor?

A sponsor is someone who has been where we want to go in our twelve step program and knows how we can best get there. Their primary responsibility is to help us work the 12 steps by applying the principles of the program to our lives. They lead us by example as we see how the program works in their lives through sharing their personal experiences and stories of where they were and where they are now. We start to learn how to become sober by listening and doing the footwork that our sponsor shows us on a daily basis. In time we make these new changes a habit which helps us to remain sober one day at a time.

AA defines a sponsorship in this way: "An alcoholic who has made some progress in the recovery program who shares that experience on a continuous, individual basis with another who is attempting to attain or maintain sobriety through AA"

How do you get a sponsor?

You find a sponsor by listening to the speakers and finding someone whose recovery you admire and want your recovery to be like his/hers. Ask that person to be your sponsor. Do not be discouraged if s/he cannot, some of them will already have sponsees.

When to get a sponsor?

As soon as you feel you ready. But, it's suggested you do as many meetings as possible to try and get an understanding of AA for yourself.

Other suggestions include:

Have a Home Group and Get Involved. For most of us, one particular AA group has become a unique haven for our sobriety, a place where we have many friends, where we can feel particularly safe in sharing exactly what's going on with us today. This special place is known throughout the AA fellowship as the Home Group, often referred to as "The Heartbeat of AA."

My home group is a Step meeting, what happens is that we invite speakers to share on a step per week, so that members can see how other AAs work the programme into their lives. You are amamber of a group when you declare yourself one!

This is a lot of information, and the more meetings you go to, the sooner it will become clear to you. But, take it easy. It's a lot to process and it's OK to just listen and find identification when you first come in. It's great that you have someone to go to meetings with, you've done really well on your first go.

If you're interested in reading more about the all things AA, the basic text is known as "The Big Book" or just "Alcoholics Anonymous". You can find an online copy here. Chapter 5 will tell you about the 12 step programme and the personal stories might be of interest to you. Don't worry about anything too much just now. It will all come.

I was told at the beginning: "Give time time"

Hope that helps answer some of your questions.

Just wanted to say well done for going to meeting, Brassic. I read this thread every day to see how you are. Nothing new to report myself.

Brassic I am so happy to watch you moving forward and things changing for you all the time

You have such a lot of self-awareness and emotional honesty, I think these will be great tools for you along the way

I?m hoping to go to another meeting tomorrow night. This time a newcomers meeting, and it?s easier to get to than Tuesday?s meeting. I just have to organise childcare for DS. I?m hoping there might be more women at this one. I know it sounds pathetic but I feel vulnerable around men at the moment ? I think I always have actually, possibly because I didn?t have a normal relationship with my dad, I don?t really know. I?d like to hear more experiences from a female perspective.

The lady from AA who is going to the meetings with me has a recovering alcoholic friend who has a child with SN and she?s going to introduce us. It?s been really nice that she has trusted me with some of her insecurities and has admitted to struggling not to drink since we?ve been talking. I expected a more ?well, of course I?m totally sorted now and life is a bowl of cherries and I?m only doing this as a service? unrealistic, seemingly unattainable attitude. It?s been great to listen to someone else and empathise rather than just take and feel needy for it.

Kokeshi, thanks for answering my questions. I?ve got a booklet with all the AA meetings across London and the home counties now, and there are hundreds I could get to. Some are just for women and I?m going to try one of those next week. There is also a local women?s step meeting during school hours which I?d like to try. I?m quite enjoying working out how to get to them by public transport and I?m regaining a bit of independence by finding places on my own. I?ve become so reliant on getting lifts everywhere, as if I live in some remote village with no transport links.

Thanks Franny. A lot of the honesty has come from starting this thread when I was drunk and admitting to things that I would normally hide. It?s been therapeutic to just be myself and not dress things up to keep people interested.

Today has been relatively easy and I haven?t thought about drinking very much. If I think about vodka I can almost taste it and I want to gulp it down but I wouldn?t say I?ve craved for a few days now. This is the longest I?ve been without a drink for years and it is really showing physically.

I?m still finding it hard to get the motivation to do anything though. I?m really behind on the housework and I?m considering FlyLady . I wish there was a FlyLady that told you how to sort your whole life out though. It?s not just housework that I?m less than enthusiastic about. When I was drinking I was living in squalor but I could cheerfully have a few drinks and then go and scrub the toilet, more drink and then make a sandwich, more drink and then vacuum the bedrooms. I?m really missing that little bit of zest that I got after my first few drinks and I?m sitting on my arse, feeling bored a lot of the time. I feel like I need to live with my mum again or someone really bossy who?ll tell me what to do all the time.

Quattro ? I thought you were going cold turkey. Did it not work out?

Brassic, three cheers for you - what a journey you've made on this thread alone, and thats just the teeniest glimpse I bet.

There's a nice women's meeting in SW London on Friday nights, if thats any good to you - haven't been for a while, but did for years and will again: welcoming, strong, honest, IME...probably tricky to get to with ds (why I haven't been for a while) but worth it if you get the chance.

And BTW, if anyone ever sounds like life's a bowl of cherries all the time, they're probably on something

I hope other posters are ok - if this thread gets to maximum allowance numbers, do go ahead and start new ones!

Hi all!!!!

BM, you have done so well and should be so proud of yourself!

Lack of motivation is a bitch isn't it! Not sure I EVER have that!

XXX

Hi BM, how are things? Did you manage to get to another meeting last night? Please don't feel lke you have to stop posting on here as well.

Same goes for the others too.

Hi everyone

Elibean, I?ll have a look in my booklet and try and work out which meeting you mean. I didn?t go last night as I couldn?t get a babysitter but I could for Friday nights if I gave more notice. When the thread gets to maximum numbers I?m going to change my name back and start using all of MN again. I hope Ill be brave enough to start another thread and link to this one, or maybe I?ll just join in with the next ?dependent drinkers club? or similar. It would be quite nice to have an ?alcoholics anonymous? thread on here, like this but something anyone can dip in and out of when they need support. It would be like having a convenient, friendly, all-female meeting without having to leave the house. I?m not sure if I?ll start it though. I?d feel silly if no-one joined in.

Hi hidesit ? I?ve joined Flylady to try and find some motivation for housework. I have a shiny sink, lace up shoes on my feet and post-it notes all over my flat . I suppose it?s less humiliating than having Kim and Aggie round though (not that it?s that bad). How are you doing btw?