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Original poster

dd needs a liver transplant due to obesity related reasons... would you give part of your liver?

152 replies

louispa · 06/03/2017 22:54

this is a really hard situation for me and i am struggling with my choices. i feel like it isn't my place to talk about her medical history, she is in her early 20s.

however, she does need a liver transplant. there is the option of using part of a living match's liver.

would you do it? i think to myself would i do it if it was alcohol reasons and i think i dont know... its the same, isnt it? i dont know though.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 07/03/2017 09:52

I cant believe youre considering not doing it

WannaBe · 07/03/2017 09:53

Interesting that the number of people who say they would donate to anyone yet haven't done so yet? You do know that altruistic donation is legal in the UK now? So why haven't you donated one of your kidneys alreadY? Oh wait, probably because words are cheap, actions on the other hand....

There's no question that I would donate to my DS, although I can absolutely see that there are circumstances which would make this difficult, e.g. Alcoholism. People were very quick to have a view on George Best who received a donated liver and then drank himself to death anyway. Fact is that being in a health crisis isn't enough for some addicts, and let's be honest, the DD in question here will have had plenty of warnings about just how bad it's become before she's got to the point of liver failure. It doesn't just happen overnight.

Would I donate to just anyone? not a chance. And neither would anyone on this thread or you would have done so by now.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/03/2017 09:57

Would I donate to just anyone? not a chance. And neither would anyone on this thread or you would have done so by now

Exactly.

And whys it all her fault. There are so many people and so many situations the dd could have been in contact with that have contributed to the situation yet somehow the mums the wicked witch if the west?

If she's hugely obese and is so sick she needs transplant then surely she either can't get out that much so who's buying the food? Who's cooking the food?

Does she work? Who's financing all this food. Surely anyone who is buying her food or giving her money fir food or even sat there eating the food other her also has a part to play if we are playing the blame game now?

VibrantAmI · 07/03/2017 09:57

WannaBe , I didn't know that live donation was even possible til about half an hour ago. Yes, I've not donated yet but give me a chance eh? Wink

Original poster
louispa · 07/03/2017 10:04

she does work and buys her own food.

she is obese but the main issue is the foods she decides to eat.

i will read the replies in a bit but can just imagine all the blame im going to get...

OP posts:
Original poster
louispa · 07/03/2017 10:05

she is off work atm though, obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
louispa · 07/03/2017 10:11

my other children are 9, 13 and 17.

it is a massive issue wrt recovery. i honestly dont know what would happen if i lost my job, etc. father isnt in the picture.

i do think people are thinking more on the whole would i die for my child and thats in a heartbeat, if it was simple as she dies or i die, i would die for any of my kids. however, it really isnt that simple. she did cause this. she was warned. she was offered therapy and goodness knows what else. she didnt want any of it. she had been warned at every hospital admission, every mri, ultrasound, etc. she almost died ffs and clearly didnt care enough to just go to 1 therapy session, this worries me. my liver isnt going to help her change.

OP posts:
FormerlyFrikadela01 · 07/03/2017 10:15

I would donate to my child however can sort of see where you're coming from op. As others have said nothing about this situation is back and white.

To go from being a slim healthy teenager to obesity related liver failure in 10 years is heart breaking.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/03/2017 10:16

louis

I don't blame you. Im assuming Multiple people have contributed to multiple situations which somehow have resulted in your dd eating herself literally to death. And it's fully understandable when no one's going to look after your other kids or pay your rent and look after you as you recover make sure you don't pull stitches or drive you to Dr's of it gets infected etc that you would question going through with something that's little use unless the whole situation is somehow addressed.

MrsDoylesladder · 07/03/2017 10:16

It is so hard when the person does not want help. She will be fearful, obstinate, proud, in denial: all that shit.
I remember a very sad conversation with my own cousin before she died when I tried as gently as I could to get her to help. It was heart breaking. She was so lovely and so fucking stubborn. Don't give up on her.

JennyOnAPlate · 07/03/2017 10:17

Yes I would give part of my liver to my dd. I would give her anything and everything that I have.

I don't mean any offence op but I think you need to increase your understanding of the causes of obesity. It's so much more complicated than eating too much.

I'm obese myself. Food is my comfort, my addiction and my self harm.

wickerlampshade · 07/03/2017 10:19

what on earth is the medical condition? I have lots of very obese patients, many of whom have fatty liver but none have progressed to liver failure. sorry to divulge but could you elaborate?

missyB1 · 07/03/2017 10:26

wicker I was wondering the same thing, fatty liver doesn't usually lead to total liver failure, not that I've ever heard of anyway, still we live and learn I suppose.

chatnanny · 07/03/2017 10:28

I think some people are being very judgemental too. I have 5 children, all athletic and skinny beans except one DD who became plump, possibly obese, after she was bullied age 9. She was at her largest about aged 12 and then really took herself under control at 16 and has been 'on it' ever since. She remained fit throughout which I felt was something I could encourage without giving her anorexia. She has told me that she used to steal food and hide it and beg from other people's lunch boxes, none of which I knew at the time. She has said she doesn't blame me at all, it was emotional eating. OP could your daughter have bariatric (weight loss) surgery? She sounds a prime candidate. Obviously she has to get a new liver first. If any of our family was a match I think we would all go for it. I think I'd ask the rest of the family's permission to go for it and I believe they want me to. I know someone who has had 2 liver transplants . due to illness - nothing she did to cause it - and it has given her a full life. Addiction is not self inflicted, it is an illness.

PurpleDaisies · 07/03/2017 10:29

jenny I totally agree that obesity happens for complex reasons. The op doesn't mention anything about her daughter's issues being addressed or her diet changing in any way. Unless that happens the new liver will suffer the same fate as her original one.

sadie9 · 07/03/2017 10:33

Warning people is not a useful strategy in recovery. Sometimes constant warnings and disapproval from others just seems like more pressure. Pressure means more bad feelings, then the response to the bad feeling is more eating (in your DD's case). You can approve of her and love her and be sympathetic to her, that is the only approach that can encourage her. Constant warnings, nagging and giving out will only drive her away and isolate her more. Always remember in your head when speaking to her that you have to maintain pleasant communications with this person. That doesn't mean pandering to her.
Your DD has a serious eating disorder and has had it since her teens.
If warning people worked then our hospitals would be half empty.
Has the hospital offered your daughter surgery to aid her weight management? If not, why not?

chatnanny · 07/03/2017 10:38

Wicker my friend, who was skinny skinny and didn't drink alcohol had severe lactose intolerance, other allergies and ulcerative colitis. I think her original liver failed (in her late 20s when she was a young mother) from a combination of the condition and the drugs she was on to control the condition. It failed suddenly and she was airlifted to Kings College hospital at death's door so she jumped the queue and amazingly there was a donor. This is over 20 years ago now and these days people on those drugs have liver and kidney function tested every 6 weeks so hopefully it would be unlikely to occur.

lougle · 07/03/2017 10:42

There are thousands and thousands of people who are morbidly obese, but very few of them will be in need of a liver transplant in their 20s, so I should imagine that it isn't all the DD's doing that she is in need of one.

Your risk of getting cancer is 1 in 2, and your risk of dying of it is 1 in 4. You have a 1 in 10 risk of cardiovascular disease, which is responsible for 1 in 4 deaths in the UK. The list goes on. Compared to a 1 in 200 risk, the odds are in your favour.

Original poster
louispa · 07/03/2017 10:45

She had gallstones. They gave her an appropriate diet. She didn't want to follow it. They said they would remove but she needed to lose weight. She kept getting an infection in the gallbladder which would affect her surrounding organs. One time it turned to sepsis (this is when she was in icu) they said the constant infections where she kept eating the fatty foods (she developed type 2 diabetes, etc.) and it was causing gallbladder fluid to get stuck in places and get infected. It began to scar the liver over time due to the constant infections. They said that eating healthier would stop the constant struggle of the gallbladder so the infections would go to the liver.

It's very complicated. I don't fully understand it. All I know is I was in hospital with her a lot. She was on IV antibiotics, etc.

OP posts:
lougle · 07/03/2017 10:47

I just can't imagine comparing losing my job with attending my daughter's funeral, tbh. I'd lose 100 jobs and be homeless before I'd let my DD go without a necessary operation that I could facilitate. I just can't compute that. But, bodily autonomy. It's your liver. You have the right to keep it in one piece and if you don't think she deserves it, or rather, think she has had her chances, gait enough. You are rather making her sound like a cat that has used her 9 lives though. People aren't like that.

DevelopingDetritus · 07/03/2017 11:00

Right so some people on this thread would put their life on the line, possibly to leave their own children without a parent, go through a serious operation for a stranger, sorry, I call bullshit.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/03/2017 11:02

But lougle

This isn't some kind of life saving operation where it's done and cab he forgiven about...on you go live your life blah blah

She has destroyed this liver and will destroy the next one and so on...only this time she will be on anti rejection drugs so when she starts getting infections from eating the wrong foods again she has less of an immune system to fight them off...

I'm not saying she shouldn't do it. I'm. Just saying it's not as simple as you are making out. The transplant solves nothing. And in a few weeks or months...they end up right back here. What then? Go through all the children.....

I think what would be krone helpful is of people have any suggestions as to how to make people accept help

HelsinkiLights · 07/03/2017 11:06

Still curious as why the daughter started over eating?

MrsDoylesladder · 07/03/2017 11:12

Op, this reads like self harm. Your dd is self harming.

LottieL · 07/03/2017 11:12

If it was me I'd engage in therapy with her - explain that this could very well be her last chance and support her after surgery. I would give her anything she needed in a heartbeat, but would also make sure that I was there afterwards to help her make changes so that she stands the best possible chance of getting better - both after surgery and with her obvious struggles.
I don't see how she has gotten herself into this place if there isn't something fundamentally wrong, for example mental health issues, etc. She needs physical and mental support.