dd needs a liver transplant due to obesity related reasons... would you give part of your liver?

[louispa]

this is a really hard situation for me and i am struggling with my choices. i feel like it isn't my place to talk about her medical history, she is in her early 20s.

however, she does need a liver transplant. there is the option of using part of a living match's liver.

would you do it? i think to myself would i do it if it was alcohol reasons and i think i dont know... its the same, isnt it? i dont know though.

What?

Would you seriously let your daughter DIE because you're disappointed that she's fat? Seriously?

Exactly, louis.

Some people are being a bit goady with their suggestion that everything is just cut and dried, rather than fuzzy and messy.

shitgibbon of course i wouldnt. she would be on a donor list.

it has nothing to do with me being disappointed. its that i have given her absolutely everything and of course if it was just her i was thinking about, i would give my life. but i have 3 other dc.

I think as a parent you have to accept some responsibility for how your kids turn out.

I would give anything my child needed .

OP I am morbidly obese. It is a long and complicated story but is my form of self harm (I have the scars from the cutting phase). People have tried with me but it takes more than other people saying I need to do it - my response is nod and then go home and eat - so I can hate myself as much as others must hate me for what I look like. Maybe your daughter is like me?

If this was a very high risk procedure, I would completely understand your need to consider your other dc.

But... it isn't, is it?

I have had eating disorders from childhood. I have alternated between fat, extremely thin, and in-the-middle-but-bulimic. Currently overweight, and reflecting on how I'd feel if my mother took a 'you made your bed you lie in it' attitude to me...

I'm sorry, I'm trying not to judge. Maybe you're really scared of surgery, or something else you're not telling us? But on the surface, your posts are striking a really odd note. I would amputate a limb to help my children.

On the one hand I would do anything for my daughter, on the other hand if her issues are not addressed surely she will just "waste" the liver and I'm not sure I could face being cut open every few years to give her yet another chunk of liver.

Your odd detached tone towards the news that your daughter could die if she doesn't receive this suggests there is an underlying issue between you and your daughter that goes beyond her weight.

Of course I would in a heartbeat no matter how it happened! I would give my DD my last breath if she needed it. Jeeze OP you come across as sounding a little harsh

I like to think I would do it. But no one can really know until they are faced with it.

She's your daughter. How could you not donate?

By all means have a stern word with her about seeking help with her weight after the operation. It isn't worth her dying over, is it?

You do realise that people die whilst on the donor list waiting for an organ? Do you love your DD? The normal reaction to learning that your child needs an organ transplant is frantically worried and desperate to do anything to save them. Do you realise that a young adult overeating to the point of liver failure is not simply greed? She has serious issues with food and like it or not these very likely are rooted in her childhood, Perhaps she doesn't feel very loved? You certainly don't sound loving

Agree with others that your views on this are odd, you mention you have other dc but do they all need a transplant?
You said her issues with weight gain began in at 13/14 well at that age she was still a child so yes, as a parent maybe you could have done more to stop the over eating.
Judging you only by your posts I can say that you possibly have contributed to the reasons of why your daughter has an eating disorder?
How do your other children feel about it?
As a mum I'd do / give whatever I could for my children.
As a mum you come across rather unloving and detached.

Some harsh responses here.
I would definitely donate part of my liver to my child if I could .
However, it is major surgery not without risk for the donor. It is only possible to donate once due to the way the liver regrows, so repeat donations would not be an option.
It is very important to consider the needs of the whole family too. How urgently does she need the liver? How old are your other dc? What support is there for you?
I would suggest you talk it through with the transplant coordinator at your centre and get more knowledge of the risks to yourself, care needed afterwards etc. full recovery can take 3 months or longer with complications. You may not be suitable to be a donor anyway, a very thorough health check is needed and a lot of people are excluded following that.
Not a decision to be taken lightly.

I agree with you 5Blue.

The OP cannot tell us everything that has happened between her and her daughter. Until you are standing in her shoes and lived her experiences you should not judge her. We can only answer her question and say what we would do ourselves and leave her to make her decision if and when it comes.

I would say yes i would be a living donor for my son. But he is my only child and would give him my last breath if needed (even when sometimes I want to kill him!).

I'd have thought OP that this conversation would be pointless if she was on the Register, so I'm guessing she isn't and that you've not got as far as having this discussion with the hospital?

I'm struggling to understand why you wouldn't want to undergo a fairly low risk procedure for your own child?

Many many diseases have lifestyle risks attached, if you ever got heart disease or cancer would you refuse any kind of donation / procedure offered as it was "your own fault"? I doubt it.

I guess the OP is concerned as having an operation under anaesthetic carries risks and she has three other children who I assume need her to be around. There is nothing wrong with thinking about it and giving it careful consideration.

... she's your daughter? My mum would give me her head if need be even if I'd chopped my own off with a butter knife. If you do though then you need to talk to her about how if you're cutting part of your body out to save her she needs to make it worth it and lose weight so she doesn't die in a decade anyway

Louispa did anything happen to your daughter or within the family when she was a teenager? Does she suffer from any brain or mental illnesses?

There is a condition called Bigorexia/Muscle Dysmorphia, the illness makes the person think they are too thin/underweight. Sufferers also tend to have OCD & anxiety.

If your daughter is so obese that she needs a liver transplant by her early 20s I'm afraid you must accept some responsibility as her parent
Your not doing so IS part of the problem

Not offering her part of your liver, which is a v low risk surgery and regenerates on your part in a few weeks will be part of another whole raft of things you can deny having or taking any responsibility for.

I am appalled by your lack of empathy toward her.
If it were alcohol you would but food no? What about an accident? A bad reaction to a recreational drug? An overdose gone wrong?

You either are in it for the whole run good and bad as a mother or you make fake reasons to make selfish choices.

Whilst it does seem extraordinary that a mother shouldn't want to sacrifice for her child I can understand the OP's reluctance on this. Her daughter has had a number of wake up calls, including a spell in intensive care but been unable or unwilling to make any changes to her lifestyle or to go to counseling to try and understand/address why she is overeating. I can't imagine that she is a happy person and I'm sure that her reasons for being obese are complex, but the fact remains she has knowingly damaged her liver beyond repair. Chances are fairly high that if the OP gives her part of her liver her dd will be in the same position in the future, perhaps even in the near future, and it is not a risk free procedure.

Those of you who have said you would donate part of your livers to anyone, even your worst enemy, are you registered as donors? There are plenty of people waiting so you might be able to be matched quite quickly. You just need to contact the closest transplant centre: nhsbtdbe.blob.core.windows.net/umbraco-assets/1620/contact-details-for-liver-transplant-centres-july-2016.pdf It's a fantastic gift to give if you can.

A general anaesthetic for a well adult is less risky than driving down the motorway. I assume you don't dither about the risk to your other children every time you need to make a motorway journey?

I would, yes. The same if it was alcohol.
They will expect patients with either issue to be making significant progress before operating anyway.

How could you live with yourself otherwise.

I live with the grief of a daughter dying (although mine was a newborn) please if there is a way to not feel the way I do, do it. It is unspeakably hard, it is why I am awake at 2:45 even though I know in just over 2 hours I'll need to wake up to go to work, and I'll be so exhausted I won't be able to concentrate. Don't underestimate how bloody awful this feels. Oh and it is also the reason why I eat constantly. For that brief moment I am distracted from the pain.

One could argue that clearly you didn't teach her healthy eating habits OP.

Either way, yes, I would absolutely give part of my liver for one of my children. Without a second thought. Wouldn't any parent?

Clearly not
Would you if she wasn't fat OP?