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Original poster

dd needs a liver transplant due to obesity related reasons... would you give part of your liver?

152 replies

louispa · 06/03/2017 22:54

this is a really hard situation for me and i am struggling with my choices. i feel like it isn't my place to talk about her medical history, she is in her early 20s.

however, she does need a liver transplant. there is the option of using part of a living match's liver.

would you do it? i think to myself would i do it if it was alcohol reasons and i think i dont know... its the same, isnt it? i dont know though.

OP posts:
Idefix · 07/03/2017 07:44

Not sure that op is coming back but given the defensive attitude regarding whether she has any responsibility to dd weight gain which began when she was 13/14 is not a good sign.

I think a big part of the obesity problem that I see daily in my job is from this growing attitude it is not my fault from parents. This is hard to countenance when you have 16,17,18 year olds with a bmi in the 30s and upwards. It is I imagine hard and embarrassing to admit that you have allowed/enabled this to take place to the stage where your dc is obese. PickaChew my ds stopped all sport whilst doing his last year of GCSEs he also started to eat as a reward whilst revising, after a month I noticed a bit of a love handle going on The moment I noted it we had a frank chat about it and where it would lead to, ds asked me to lock the pantry and supply him with healthier snacks.

Have they talked to your dd about a gastric band or sleeve? From what I know about transplants they will not put dd on list unless she can demonstrate sustained weightloss. How old are your other dc op? Yes you do have to think of them but I would also think about the impact that losing a sister may have on them and also the impact that knowing you could have helped her but chose not to. I realise that this sounds very black and white and I understand that it won't be when this is lived as you live it but I think that these are things to consider. Live donation does not happen for everyone so you would not be the only parent (if indeed you were suitable, it is not good enough to be a biological match) or family member who chooses not to do this.

BroomstickOfLove · 07/03/2017 07:54

People are acting as if donating part of liver is a minor and risk-free act. Donating part of your liver to a child carries a 1 in 1,000 risk of death. If the recipient is an adult, the risk increases to 1 in 200 which is not something to be taken lightly, especially if the potential donor has dependents or is the main carer for the person needing a transplant.

Donating part of a liver is much, much more dangerous than donating a kidney, and I'd be interested to know just how many of those saying that they would donate part of a liver to anyone have taken steps to donate a kidney altruistically. You can't donate part of your liver to a stranger - the surgery is dangerous enough that it would be unethical.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/03/2017 07:55

I wouldn't even need to question it, it would be an instant yes from me!

Why would anyone choose not to save their child? What do you want to do, 'teach her a lesson'?!

Unbelievable

SnugglyBedSocks · 07/03/2017 07:58

I have never heard of liver failure due to obesity...(off to google!)

AyeAmarok · 07/03/2017 08:00

I don't the people who say they'd do it for "anyone". No you wouldn't.

French is right, easy to say you would do it in an eye blink when there is no chance whatsoever of being asked. Unless you expect the sick person in country X to track you down and ask?

Looneytune253 · 07/03/2017 08:01

So if she was an alcoholic you would help? Alcoholism surely is a worse way to do it than overeating? She obv has problems if she still didnt change despite the doctors warnings?

SnugglyBedSocks · 07/03/2017 08:04

I googled!

It says that untilit reaches the very last stage of damage that it is reversable. So could her function improve if she starts taking more care of herself?

Sixisthemagicnumber · 07/03/2017 08:06

If it was one of my children then yes i would Donate but if it was anybody else - no chance.
There is no way I would undertake such a risky procedure for somebody other than my Children, especially someone who has caused themselves to be in that situation.

HelenDenver · 07/03/2017 08:08

"People are acting as if donating part of liver is a minor and risk-free act"

Yu

HelenDenver · 07/03/2017 08:09

Yup, I meant to say

Idefix · 07/03/2017 08:10

Aye I am with you on that, I am a registered donor. If it was possible after my death is the lot can be taken. But live donation would be a family only thing (and close family at that) I know I wouldn't be able to put my life at risk for a stranger in that way.

DevelopingDetritus · 07/03/2017 08:14

Without a doubt.

nooka · 07/03/2017 08:15

The OP said she wasn't sure if she would donate if her dd was an alcoholic, and it was alcohol that had destroyed her liver instead. I suspect from her other posts the OP's hesitancy is because of the worry that it would just be a stopgap measure and the liver would fail again because her dd has not addressed her weight issues before, despite living through at least one very serious health crisis already, knowing that she was getting close to liver failure and still not being able to take action.

DevelopingDetritus · 07/03/2017 08:16

*not for a stranger though.

missyB1 · 07/03/2017 08:19

There is no guarantee this transplant will even fix the problem, I know its not alcoholism but anyone remember George Best? I see no point in this operation until your dd has accepted responsibility for her illness and her lack of engagement in treatment. Otherwise she may well be back to square one in a few years time.

And i agree with PPs this operation will be no walk in the park for the OP, there are significant risks that have to be taken seriously, and as she rightly points out she also has responsibilities towards her other DCs.

Sixisthemagicnumber · 07/03/2017 08:30

And nooka is right. I imagine there is a high chance that the replaced liver could become damaged and not work if the OPs daughter doesn't change her behaviour. So effectively OP would be undergoing a very risky operation with no guarantee of a long term positive outcome. Do you risk 2 lives to potentially not even save 1?

NormaSmuff · 07/03/2017 08:34

will they let you?
i know they sometimes counsel away from family donations?
it is natural for you to want to but you need to think clearly.. as does your dd.
there might be psychological issues.
it might fail
you would have to take time off work surely?

differentnameforthis · 07/03/2017 08:39

But if someone doesn't want to help themselves? No point sending an alcoholic to AA if they don't WANT to hear it Wouldn't worry me..if this was my daughter, yes I would do it. The risk of her not wanting help, or not getting better is a risk that I would be prepared to take.

Yes, she may not see it as the gift it would be, and refuse to help herself, and end up sick again...BUT (and this is the whole point surely) at least I would know that I tried. At least I would know that I stood by her in her hour of need and did what she needed me to do.

Rather that than sit by and watch her deteriorate when I knew that I could help. If the worse did happen, how would you feel, I couldn't live with knowing I did nothing!

Imbroglio · 07/03/2017 08:45

You don't know what the OP has or hasn't done to support her daughter. Reducing it to
donating a liver = everything
not donating a liver = nothing
is hugely simplistic.

PurpleDaisies · 07/03/2017 08:48

This is a big operation and it's absolutely right to consider it properly. There is a risk of complications (much higher than many posters seem to think) and if the daughter isn't going to change her eating habits it's totally pointless.

Families are complicated and what seems like an easy choice for some people really isn't when you add in years of back story.

Op I hope you can get impartial help to decide what's best in this situation.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 07/03/2017 09:07

I agree with Imbroglio and PurpleDaisies and others who have posted that this is not a simple issue.

The OP says she has three other children. She hasn't said how old they are, but if we assume they're dependent on her, leaving aside the practical issue of who looks after them while she's convalescing, will she get paid sick leave for this? If not, will she get benefits? Could she lose her job? Fall into rent arrears? These are not trivial matters if she's on a tight income.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/03/2017 09:40

Yes, she may not see it as the gift it would be, and refuse to help herself, and end up sick again...BUT (and this is the whole point surely) at least I would know that I tried. At least I would know that I stood by her in her hour of need and did what she needed me to do

I disagree. The liver is a band aid on a broken leg. Op won't be killing her dd the dd is killing herself.

The operation is huge fir the op

It's probably highly risky fir the dd also. In the short term it's medically fixable. But that's not the solution really is it.

What needs looking at is why it happened. What support has been or is being offered. Why hasn't it worked. Have the Dr's been negligible and missed viral signs. Does the dd need to move Dr's to ensure the recover is managed properly.

Are there abusive family members or boyfriends who are going to make recovery and the healthy eating support afterwards impossible

Does the dd even know how to cook are there classes she could be referred to to help with this.

These are all things family members cab do to try and give the best support and hopefully increase chances of a full physical and mental recovery

Tossing someone a liver and letting them get on with it doesn't absolve anyone or mean people have done all they can

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/03/2017 09:42

And whys it all on op who's going to be taking care of the dd while she's recovering cos the mums going to be laid up too.

VibrantAmI · 07/03/2017 09:49

I would donate part of my liver. I've been a morbidly obese 20-something. I know it's more complicated than simply being greedy. I'm also a 50 time blood donator and I'm on the blood marrow donation list. I'm going to look at the liver donation list the PP posted above (thanks for that). For me, a 1 in 200 risk of me dying compared to someone having a 1 in 1 risk of dying is a no-brainer. How can you be so selfish that you'd refuse to help?

MrsDoylesladder · 07/03/2017 09:51

Op, you haven't mentioned logistics as a reason why you wouldn't do it; you have focussed on the morale dilemma so I will address that - how well can your daughter recover/reset her approach if she knows that her mum won't be a donor for her ? I would work out the logistics as best I could with as much outside support as I could muster and agree in a heartbeat. She's only in her 20s. I lost a wonderful cousin to the effects of obesity when cousin was in her 60s. You wouldn't have known she was in her 60s, she was so interested in the world around her, so great to be with but so housebound. But as she got older she got more and more afraid of seeking medical and other professional help to do anything about it. You might have a rocky road with your daughter even after surgery but please don't give up on her.