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Original poster

dd needs a liver transplant due to obesity related reasons... would you give part of your liver?

152 replies

louispa · 06/03/2017 22:54

this is a really hard situation for me and i am struggling with my choices. i feel like it isn't my place to talk about her medical history, she is in her early 20s.

however, she does need a liver transplant. there is the option of using part of a living match's liver.

would you do it? i think to myself would i do it if it was alcohol reasons and i think i dont know... its the same, isnt it? i dont know though.

OP posts:
GoBigOrange · 07/03/2017 03:40

It may be a fairly low-risk procedure, but it isn't risk-free. It also takes six to eight weeks to recover from donating - what will happen with OP's other children in that time? Her job? Any other responsibilities she may have?

Will DD even appreciate what a gift she is getting? Is she in a place where she is ready to accept that she has a really problematic relationship with food and needs to change or just risk more health problems further down the road? Is she ready to stop abusing her body? Otherwise it isn't hugely different to giving a new liver to an alcoholic who isn't in recovery.

I feel for you OP. It is a terrible decision to have to make.

JamDonutsRule · 07/03/2017 03:48

GoBigOrange
The transplant team won't allow the transplant to go ahead if they think the risk of failure is too high. IF they've already assessed her as being eligible then all those factors have already been considered. They should have also given her a mental health screening / psych appointments too.

GoBigOrange · 07/03/2017 04:09

Ah, that sounds encouraging then JamDonutsRule. From OP's posts it didn't sound as if her DD had necessarily realised that conquering her food addiction for good is vital at this point.

Upyourdaisy · 07/03/2017 04:19

My oh is overweight, his liver in really enlarged and damaged quite badly from being obese. His gp told him he needs to make pretty major changes before it's too late. If I had the opportunity to and was a match, I'd donate part of my liver for him and we've got 5 dc, if it was one of them there would never be any question, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Imbroglio · 07/03/2017 04:31

I think some posters are being incredibly judgmental.

OP I hope you find the right answer for yourself, your daughter and your other children.

silentsigh · 07/03/2017 04:41

I'm in floods of tears reading this as a couple of years ago I was in ICU in a coma from something that was indirectly self-inflicted, in my early 20s too. My condition wasn't weight related but it easily could have been. I am immensely grateful for the support I received from my parents and partner during that time.

I've also alternated from slim to very obese throughout my life and I know how desperately I struggled with my food issues internally even though I also refused to go to therapy or see a dietician. I was just too embarrassed. Your dd might be feeling like this.

I think the risk of the operation is hugely outweighed by the risk to your dd's life. Have the surgeons spoken to you about what the risk to you would be? Sorry if I missed something in the thread.

FrenchLavender · 07/03/2017 04:47

If I could save a life, I'd undergo a general anaesthetic with its attendant risks, yes. Even for Donald Trump- if by some freak circumstances I was he only good available match.

So Folded can I ask you if you've ever taken yourself to be screened and put on some sort of database, just waiting for some randomer (or Donald Trump) who needs you to pop up as a match?

Because if you say you'd donate to literally anyone who needed it, including your worst enemy, then I presume the answer to the above is yes? Otherwise it's a pretty meaningless statement. You aren't going to know whether you are a good match for literally anyone unless you volunteer to be screened first. It's an easy thing to say when there is zero chance of ever being identified and asked.

The only way most people find out they are a match is when they are approached by a family member who needs their help.

fuckoffdailysnail · 07/03/2017 05:01

Good grief I'd give my DDs anything because they are my everything
I can't quite believe what I'm reading
If I was a match for any of the children in my family I'd be going ahead with the operation.
A girl I work with needed a kidney and her mum volunteered herself in the consultants office as soon as they got the news! Luckily everything went ahead and the girl is now fit and healthy. I wouldn't give an organ to just anyone but my DDs? Anything

Headofthehive55 · 07/03/2017 05:17

For me, it's not a low risk as seems to be portrayed. It's a major op, some don't make it through. ( even young healthy people.) I work in that area. I would think I have other children to take care of too.
I don't think it would solve the issue.

Cyclingforcake · 07/03/2017 05:41

This is not as low risk a procedure as some PPs are implying. It is definitely more risky than just the GA and it's a fairly new procedure in this country. I'm hoping the OP has access to some proper RL information and support.

AnnaFiveTowns · 07/03/2017 05:45

What?! I can't believe you need to ask. Your poor dd. No wonder she has an eating disorder.

Misssss · 07/03/2017 06:20

I grew up with a bitch for a mother who caused issues which made me self harm by overeating. I'm only just getting over it and losing the weight. OP while you may not have handed your daughter the food, you are in some way responsible for your daughter. The bizzare tone of your posts is telling. You almost seem gleeful that you get to say "I told you so," to her.

Pawpainting · 07/03/2017 06:20

I remember a poster who would frequently post in a similar weirdly detached and contemptuous tone about her dd who she viewed as fat and lazy even though the poor girl clearly had some anxiety and mental health issues which not helped by the mothers attitude towards her. Is it you op? I don't understand why you seem to be considering allowing your dd to die rather than help her

FrenchLavender · 07/03/2017 06:32

Yes I remember her, and I believe her DD was also posting about her emotionally abusive mother!

Pawpainting · 07/03/2017 06:35

I didn't know the DD was also posting. Well that woman was definitely emotionally abusive towards her. not towards her other DD though who was the golden child. The tone is very similar

Oblomov17 · 07/03/2017 06:41

This thread shows the diversity: from declaring that children are your 'everything' to 'detached and contemptuous tone'.

I wonder if this is a new thing, generationally : this living through your children as though they are the most important thing on the planet.

I suspect OP has had years and years of trying and trying to get help, mentally, emotionally, mental health and all the medical side.

Would any if you have liked to walk in yer shoes for the last few years?

But if someone doesn't want to help themselves? No point sending an alcoholic to AA if they don't WANT to hear it.
Yes you don't give up. But if someone dies then want help? Then what are all the he posters suggesting that she does?

What are the chances of this succeeding? Why would you go through a medical procedure if the patient showed no signs of willingness to change?

This is a very complex issue. Some of the flippant comments have been very judgemental.

FrenchLavender · 07/03/2017 07:01

Paw I might be wrong, if I am then there were two mothers posting about their DD's in the way you describe.

PossumInAPearTree · 07/03/2017 07:04

People generally overeat for psychological reasons....not just because they like chocolate.

I would donate without even thinking about it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/03/2017 07:11

Some really harsh replies here. It's easy to sit her and say "yes I would even if it was Donald trump" but we aren't the ones in this situation are we. It's ops body. She has other dependants I consider and it's a major surgery.

op

I would first of all talk to the Dr's get some information on the procedure. Get all your questions answered about recovery time and how it will affect you.

And then sometbing needs to be done about your dd and her eating habits before you end up straight back here. Will they offer counselling as part of the aftercare package?

I hope you manage to work out what's best for you all

And yes I like to think i would if course donate my liver to my dd. However no one can be 100 percent sure until you are in the exact same situations in the exact same circumstances.

It's not naive enough to think. It's really as simple as posters make out.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/03/2017 07:22

what happens if something goes wrong? what about my 3 other dc? who didnt play any part in this? its really more complicate than everyone is making out.

What happens if your other DC find out you had a chance to help their siblings and you chose not to because 'they had warnings'.

You also have to take responsibility for your part in your DD illness. They were under your care when it started. You seem to have absolved yourself of any responsibility.

I would do it in a heartbeat if I could.

Trills · 07/03/2017 07:25

You are very naive about donor lists if you think that refusing to give your liver is not equivalent to leaving her to suffer and possibly die.

Trills · 07/03/2017 07:27

I would want to know more about what other care was being offered - what is being done to ensure that she actually gets better after this?

That wouldn't stop me offering, but I'd be fighting to make sure that my liver wasn't being wasted.

HelenDenver · 07/03/2017 07:38

Everyone has limits as to what they would do for their children. Situations such as walking away from alcoholism for self-protection, for example.

I agree with Trills about understanding the aftercare and with Giles about speaking again to doctors.

PhoenixJasmine · 07/03/2017 07:40

Reading the link that someone just posted (because my initial response was to wonder whether I could be an altruistic live donor) - the procedure carries a 1 in 200 risk of death for the donor, 6-10 days in hospital and an average 12 weeks off work (although expenses/loss of earnings may be available). Just to point that out, it's not the same as donating a quick pint of blood.

chuntersalot · 07/03/2017 07:41

For my daughter? Yes
For your daughter? Yes