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Original poster

EMERGENCY - Toilet problem, help needed

216 replies

driveninsanebythehubby · 30/05/2016 21:25

Hi,

So embarrassed to be posting this - but as stuck on the loo in agony I'm desperate.

I have a stool that I can only presume is the size of a marrow attempting to pass my body. I'm on the verge of saying it's more painful than childbirth (and I had a 4th degree tear with no pain relief at that moment so I know what pain is!). I have attempted to go several times today and it gets so far out and then gets stuck. Like I cannot push anymore because I feel like it's going to rip me apart. I get contraction type waves trying to push it out but it won't come. Because I'm straining, there's then blood too. Earlier I tried using a tissue to grab and pull it out (clearly that worked well!!!!)

I HAVE to get this out tonight as I'm at work tomorrow and I cannot phone my boss to say I'm not coming in because I have a giant shit stuck up my arse!!!

Can anyone at all give me some suggestions to help clear this beast?

PS it's caused by medications that I'm on, a crap diet and probably not enough fluids when exercising this weekend. My routine has never been regular as such (once a week would be 'normal' but I'm sure I only went a few days ago!)

Thank you (and please don't laugh)

OP posts:
CuntingDMjournos · 30/05/2016 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
driveninsanebythehubby · 30/05/2016 22:10

I feel like I should have a name ready for when I finally give birth to this thing!i really hope I don't have to go to the hospital though

OP posts:
lougle · 30/05/2016 22:10

Honestly, the bath water will help. Try that.

HannahJH · 30/05/2016 22:10

I admire your ability to have taken such a 'crap' situation and seen the funny side Grin hope you are better soon!! X

Doinmummy · 30/05/2016 22:11

Would olive oil work ? Squirt some up there with a calpol syringe. You may have to get DH to do it Blush.

Shakey15000 · 30/05/2016 22:11

Hope it's come out?

I second the tip of footstool, and also, lifting arms above your head can help somehow (I forget how!)

Poor you Thanks

GinAndSonic · 30/05/2016 22:11

LUBE WITH THE GLOVES. If you can get a finger up and run it around the poo, that can sometimes help your body get a good wave of forward / expelling motion going

Original poster
driveninsanebythehubby · 30/05/2016 22:11

I meant in my baking cupboard for the glycerine - no supermarkets open within 30 miles from here at this time of night and after4 hours of driving today he isn't going to go out and do that!

OP posts:
WriteforFun1 · 30/05/2016 22:11

OP any local friends who might have Milk of Magnesia? Or, weird idea, is there a late night newsagent open? If they don't have that they'll have cigarettes which might help...oh a pub will have those too, must be one nearby?

Joystir58 · 30/05/2016 22:12

put your finger up and ease sections of it out bit by bit until eventually you can push remainder out.

GinAndSonic · 30/05/2016 22:12

If you don't normally smoke a cigarette will probably get you moving.

RainbowsAndUnicorns5 · 30/05/2016 22:12

What's that like a bidet/douche hybrid mummy??? How does the water get 'up there'?

BeckyWithTheMediocreHair · 30/05/2016 22:13

If you can, try squatting in the bath rather than sitting on the loo. It's a more natural position to get things moving.

Doinmummy · 30/05/2016 22:13

I would get proper help from OoH

Original poster
driveninsanebythehubby · 30/05/2016 22:13

Most pubs don't sell ciggys these days because you can't have them on display ( one of my jobs is in a pub).

If the gloves and lube don't work I'm going to run a bath.

I'm trying to see the funny side to stop me panicking because I'm starting to feel like I could have a panic attack and that's really not going to help

OP posts:
gingerparkin · 30/05/2016 22:14

Glycerine suppositories. I had exactly the same problem some days after surgery . It was worse than childbirth, I couldn't sit down. Horrendous. My lovely friend who is a nurse came to my rescue late at night and they worked within half an hour in a very manageable way. Oh the relief! Good luck!

Original poster
driveninsanebythehubby · 30/05/2016 22:14

I don't think I can post on FB asking if anyone has suppositories

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 30/05/2016 22:15

Do NOT go anywhere near your arse with a spoon - you could do serious damage.
My advice is that same as earlier.
I've been in that horrible position, and feel very sorry for you.

BurnTheBlackSuit · 30/05/2016 22:15

Sex lube and a fish slice?!

(Please don't actually try that!!!)

SoThatHappened · 30/05/2016 22:15

Oh god no....not milk of magnesia.

Milk of Magnesia will help for subsequent shits but for this one, all it will do is give her bad cramping and it still wont pass. I've tired that at my peril. Once it has passed then take it for the rest behind it.

PoohBearsHole · 30/05/2016 22:16

After childbirth I literally had to poo in the bath. Gross but it helped :(

Original poster
driveninsanebythehubby · 30/05/2016 22:16

Ok going to leave the iPad/bathroom to find the latex gloves as hubby can't find them.....

If I do die in 'poo birth' please accept my thanks for your help. Otherwise ill be back on shortly.....

OP posts:
chewingawasp · 30/05/2016 22:16

Pooh what an apt name Grin

lonerboner · 30/05/2016 22:16

manual evacuation - JESUS WEPT

Thattimeofyearagain · 30/05/2016 22:17

Please call ooh for advice. Been there ( codine) Flowers