23rd **TAMOXIFEN** thread

[MaryAnnSingleton]

oh my !

ned at ds . Dd was dusting the garden earlier .. As you do. Now I am trying to snooze while she watches cbeebies. Justin's house is not conducive to sleep... But at least I feel like I can sleep now.

autumn hugs and welcome. 25th is a long time to wait. I know that you have had a shit time with drs (understatement) but is there anyway you could try and get news etc quicker than this.

And as kurri says , this is the worst time. But there is a point (I know I have had to be reminded of that). But please feel free to vent on here as it can feel very lonely and scary .

And I know it's been said before (ESP to me as an a repeat offender) but stay off dr google. And without being to be too bossy I would add the life limiting illness section on here in that as that should come with an "abandon hope" label on it if you look when vulnerable.

And you know what I told you about my mum- I won't give you any more details but her Tumour was in similar area , they did a load of tests on where/what but she is ok.

I would add that point is not I think watching "I can cook" on cbeebies which is what is now on...

Just a very quick post before I catch up on all.

Well, it is official I ABSOLUTELY HATE CHEMO! Second FEC on Wed and I was as sick as a pig. I ended up being admitted to hospital as I had developed chest pains and shortness of breath. Ward was hectic and I was in a bay with 3 elderly men all who seemed to have bladder/bowel problems and their beds, etc were changed frequently.

Anyway just to add to it they decided to do a CT to check for clot which came back as no clot but ?bone metastasis. I had a CT and MRI in April which both came back clear (different hospital) so now I am just in pieces. The consultant who dropped the bombshell literally popped his head in dropped the news and then said would you like to phone your husband? So I sat crying like a baby behind the curtain.

I will try to catch up but I just can't stop crying.

Gracie - hugs to you darling. What shitty news and what a shitty way to tell you.

Are you home now?

And don't suffer like I did- have they given you sleeping tabs/anxiety tabs and referral to a counsellor? Your mental wellbeing important now.

Oh gracie -, sweetheart, - what a shitty way for the Doctor to drop something like that on you.

As Gig says, ask your Gp for some help with sleeping and keeping on an even keel emotionally, and try to speak to your bcn on Monday - she can help you sort things out if hospital are being slow or messing you about with appointments, and will also talk you through what's happened.

Am they put you in a mixed bay with men with bowel and bladder problems, - awful for you and for the other patients.

xx

gracie I'm sorry you're feeling so low and I'm sorry about everything that's happened. Consultants suck. I wish House was my Doctir.

Kurri It was very much like, "You have a tumour. We'll get you a CT ion the next 2 weeks to see what it's attatched to and come back to see us 4 weeks" Nothing at all about removing the blasted thing. I suppose I am glad that they did not biopsy it at the clinic because I would still have had to wait 4 weeks for anything more to be done. I guess that they didn't try to tell me anything about removing it because it's in my head and they didn't want to say if they were removing it incase they couldfn't. But it's justa guess. I'm having to do a lot of guessing! And I'll take that

ned thanks and LOL at your son! I love role playing with the kids!

gig I've tried everything to get this to go faster. right down to getting a friend taking me to casualty when I spent most of a day gagging on the tumour. They were pathetic. The nurse said it was because I was hyperventilating. Friend says, "No, she's hyperventilating because she is choking. Why do you not treat this like you would any other person with an object in their throat and remove it?"

So the made an appointment at the Ear nose and throat ward the next morning. I went and they told me that unless I was actually not breathing then I'd just have to wait on my CT.

The worst thing is that my dog died of throat cancer 10 years ago. i will not exit the mortal coil by way of the family pet! I hope that they can just cut it out and that'll be that.

My appointment on the 25th had better yeild something more than, "You have a tumour, fuck off." Other people have been telling me that they might book me in to remove it and biopsy it at the same time. I can cope with that. I think they're going to biopsy it, get the results, tell me to come back for those results and THEN tell me when they plan to take it out. This si slower than a week in jail!

Gracie- wish we could give you a group hug right now,bastard cancer and arsewipe doctor. Not Fair. Are you still in hospital? I hope not.

Autumn - the wait must be total hell. Really feel for you.

Hi I'm back.

Flight delayed, dh not waiting for coach, struggled downstairs to car park, not there :( turned phone on he txted me 'where are you? Oops. Started back with a tiff as had to walk back up stairs cos he had parked several hundred yards away.

Anyway not important in grand scheme of things and have made up now. He has bought 14 clear storage boxes while I was away and rehomed my fabric stash bless him.

Hugs to gracie and autumn, crikey they don't think about the mental game do they? shitty way to tell you gracie and waiting till the 25th seems just cruel, autumn.

I can't find the energy to get up but I must soon and go for a walk with dh. I will sleep so well tonight in my own bed! Thought May would be cool enough, but the couple of days I feel I've been in an oven.

jc Glad you've made up with your DH :)

I picked a pretty stupid fight with mine on Froday after my scan. He really was an arse but I totally over-reacted and got quite cruel. I then huffed up to bed, leaving him with the kids, and decided that I was far too emotionally unbalanced to leave my chambers therafter. Stupid cow. I got up a few hours later and said sorry and he said sorry for what he said.

To be fair, if it wasn't that I fought about then it'd have been something else. I really thought at the time though that I didn't ever want to get up out of bed again. I was scared at the sudden anger I felt. It's really not like me. I was frightened about blowing my top again but I realise that it was probably coming for some time. That is what I get for trying to ignore the feelings I have about this. I was really out of order.

Later on I told him everything I'd been thinking about. Like if they want to remove it and biopsy it at the same time I will have to make videos for everyone before that in case it's cancer so that the kids don't have to remember me with a scarred up face if I don't win the fight. I don't want to be consigned to the past. The worst thing being that I won't be able to make anyone feel better about losing me because I will be dead.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself. That's why I've avoided voicing all of this because it's all "what if's" that don't mean an actual damn until they tell me what's going on. I still can't help it though.

I'm really sorry if what I said up there upsets anyone here who actually does have cancer.

Gracie - can't believe how you've been treated. No wonder you're feeling fragile, will you now get an appointment with someone to talk through the results of the CT scan?

Autumn - can fully understand your frustration, especially with all the waiting. Hope your next appointment gives you some answers.

Topsy - are you still in the lap of luxury? Are you being kicked out soon, or might you be able to stay for tea ?

It's not a stupid thing to say at all autumn. Scarring where it is obvious is very emotional- it really bothered both my mum and the lady I know with tongue cancer. However there should be help on managing The scarring , disguising it etc.

I know that I am having photos done pre chemo of me and kids as "way we were". Now hopefully my hair will grow back etc so now I am thinking of it as a let's do it while kids are this age thing.

I wasn't blessed with the best luck in the freaky looks department as it is. I have nystagmus (Makes my eyes bounce around like Crazy eye guy from Mr Deeds LOL)

It's difficult enough living with that, never mind big scars all on m face. Still, I'll just have to call mysef Tony Montana and be happy that I get to live with anything at all!

I can see me frequenting the make-up shop I used to use when I was a stage actress! :)

I am home now , but not feeling to wonderful .
But I couldn't just read and run .
((((((((((ladies))))))))))
I will be back when I feel a little more human , but I just had to say how much I am thinking of you all right now .
Bastard , bastard Cancer

Glad you are home topsy . Be gentle with yourself love as come down from surgery painkillers and ESP ga is a bugger in the days afterwards. It's one of those things (like the 4 day blues after giving birth) that drs know about but don't seem to tell you.

Welcome home topsy, sorry you're not feeling too good, but to be expected really seeing as your op was only yesterday. Hope you soon feel a bit better. Take care and try to get some rest.

Rest well tonight topsy x

orange and body hair

Just wanted to give gracie and autumn huge hugs. ((((((((((((())))))))))))). Am so sorry to hear your news, what a bugger this bloody cancer is. Can only reiterate what the other lovely ladies have said, stay with us for support, FBS and orange men.

Topsy, take things very easy for the next few days. Don't overdo things and make sure you have lots of lovely treats lined up.

Jchoc, glad you got home safely. Glad you're over your tiff with DH.

Ned, at lovely little DS.

Well, we've been out and about today. Visited a local garden with was open under the National Gardens Scheme and had tea and cake there. Also came home with a bag full of lovely plants. We've been gardening all afternoon and it's all looking rather lovely now the weeds have gone. There's some major hacking pruning to be done to the larger shrubs in the next week or so but I will need to instruct my gardener DH about that. I think I might be achey tomorrow but at least I will know why.

Gracie, Autumn, Topsy, eek and soddit and hugs and - and the same for everyone else too.

(((((for Gracie)))) oh my, what a lot to take in. Might not be bone mets you know. Bone scans show a hell of a lot of things, from arthritis to fractures. Did they at least sort the FEC sickness?? Surely now they'll give you a driver like Topsy.

Topsy, glad you're home, though hope you're just tired rather than feeling sick. Rest up and let them spoil you xxx

Hi Autumn. Sorry you're back, but nice to see you iyswim. So they said tumour, but does that mean there's a chance it's benign? Am guessing it might be. Really, really hope so. Stay with us. 25th seems ages away. Cruel to make you wait that long.

Greylady, sorry you're still suffering. I thought you'd had a chest x-ray already - did I get that wrong? Can't you back to your BCN. Mine's astonishingly good at getting tests if I'm worried.

Ned, aw sweet story. Kids are so v.cute.

Gig, I like the idea of your DD dusting the garden too.

Kurri, am shocked by your sis. Siblings are hugely over rated imo.

MAS, hope the meal was stress free and fun.

Amber, hope you're having a lovely time away.

No time to post to all - had friends and their 3 kids round today and we've been grazing in the garden all day. Feel completely stuffed. Have a deadline for first thing tomorrow, so had better get on.

Here's to a better week for lots. Been so much going on, it's hard to keep up and support everyone properly. xx

I'm back !
Really sorry about how you've been treated gracie and waving to autumn
= hugs to you both.
Had a very nice lunch- the train was a kerfuffle as it got stuck at Woking -attaching a new train or something so we had to get another which syopped at every bloody station and was packed full of people going to the Chelsea match - so we were late.grr. Lunch was yum and we had champagne out in warm sunshine in the garden.

Oh, brilliant!! Smee has said more or less what i wanted to say. So, what smee said ....

Also, Gracie IF it is bone mets, lots can be done - drugs to slow progress, drugs to help pain when/if it arises. Sorry you were told in that way. Dreadful. Sometimes i think HPs are so used to dealing with 'difficult' matters, they forget how to talk to patients. Not an excuse of course as that's what they are being paid for. You might feel more in con trol if oyu tell him next time you see him how it made you feel and how he could ahve done it better. It's up to you of course. See how it goes. Meantime hope the sickness etc now sorted. And shakes head at mixed wards.

Before you and tipsytopsy met up, I had funny image of you two meeting up at the FBSs in Mand S Belfast without knowing each other. It looks now like neither of you will be going out and about for a bit. As it should be.

Remember the duct tape, girls. It can travel both ways across the Irish Sea, and I'll not be far away this coming week. if all goes as planned with weather, ferries etc I should be on an island off west of Scotland mid week, so can always nip over with the duct tape.

Autumn, the whole worry over your illness, still not really knowing what exactly is going on etc. must be a huge strain at home, for DH as well as you. It's a known phenomenon, the strain of serious illness on close relationships. And often men think - it's worse for her, it's her that's sick, they feel they can't talk to mates about their own concerns etc. Sorry if I've jsut stated the bleeding obvious.

Take care, all. I'm struggling a bit here, just 'one foot in front of other' stuff really, though boys are fine. Chem Higher tomorrow and he's okay. Lurgy at bay. He needs a good grade as wants to be a scientist. Therein lies extra stress. Yesterday he did past paper and got 4 marks short of A. I'd have been thrilled but all things relative. Other boy's knee is okay, swollen but not badly. A watching brief methinks, and no to football meantime.

Hugs and all best wishes to all.

Hello, I haven't been here for ages but just want to say I still think of you all, especially those who used to support me so much during 2010. Waves to all who remember me! I've had a busy time taking DS to unis, a family wedding, visiting elderly relations in Edinburgh and various work crises.

I see some of you are having a very tough time. Fortunately I seem to be OK - only a creaky back to contend with. A friend of mine is having a very rough time though so I'm thinking about her a lot.

Positive vibes to those of with DCs doing exams too! My DS is doing A2s this year so we're just gearing up too. He did a short exam last week in fact - it seemed to pop up unexpectedly as far as I was concerned. He has an offer from Imperial, 2x A* and 2xA. No pressure then!!

KK, MAS, Topsy, Smee, Amber, Gig and anyone I might have forgotten - hope you're all keeping really well as can be. (But Topsy - after a very quick skim read I think you've just had an op so take it easy)

apologies- I feel as though I've breezed in without acknowledging everyone's posts-tried to read them on the train but my phone ran out of battery. Will do better tomorrow as am knackered..love to all xxx