TAMOXIFEN 9 *********

[MaryAnnSingleton]

Starts here !

here for Pennies

I think that in life,regardless of a bc diagnosis,there are things we can never be sure of and we have to live with uncertainty -it's just dealing with how to live life like that that's hard.

Hello all. Amber, I hope you can get your portacath sorted out. It sounds like a nightmare.

Mas, I'm sorry you're feeling down at the moment. I hope it passes soon.

Pennies, I'm relatively new here and am currently just over half way through my chemo, then having my op then my radiotherapy. It's a nightmare I never thought I would find myself in and I yearn for my old life but I know I will never be the same again and find it hard to live with the constant fear and terror like you do. I can't offer advice but wanted to let you know that I understand how you're feeling. I found Amber's post above very useful and Mas's about Mindfullness. In fact, I know I need "something" because I feel very on edge and have an underlying feeling of anxiety a lot of the time. I had a full blown anxiety thing about 20 years which was short-lived and dealt with by cognitive behaviour therapy. I can't believe it hasn't come back after losing mum and dealing with my diagnosis and it's at the back of the mind that one of these days it might.

Well, the nausea and sickness from the FEC kicked in at teatime last night, something I never experienced on the Docetaxol. The domperidone seems to keep it at bay though - I'll see how it goes for a day or two. I am feeling generally woozy so might need something a bit stronger.

Figgy, have you tried ginger beer? I find sipping it when I feel really helps.

If you're being sick, I'd definitely get them to prescribe something stronger. I've been given something extra in case the domperidone doesn't work well enough. (begins with O but not tested it yet).

I think one of the worst things about any medical treatment is the feeling that we can't make a difference and it's all being done 'to us'. The more decent research that shows what a difference we can make for ourselves, the better.

Dear Pennies, you need loads of (((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment. And I totally understand your need to stay away from the BC world.

I don't really know what to advise, I will admit that much of the time I feel very much as you describe - I think I have it in check and then anything can plunge me down again - someone in the news with BC, or news of someone with a recurrence. It seems impossible to escape sometimes. I have been told by friends who were DX years ago that it gets better with time, it never goes away, but it becomes easier to keep in the back of your mind.

Have you spoken to your oncologist or GP about the way you feel? It might help - I'm on AD's which take the edge off it - I think you probably don't want to go down that route, but other talking therapies, counselling could help as you say it is a form of PTSD, you have been through a hell of a lot of trauma.

I may have linked to this before, but it's a really good article which I think shows real understanding of what life is like post DX. I've picked out one section here which might be

helpful, and the whole article is here there's lots of stuff in it that could be helpful for you and all the ladies on here. It isn't frightening or scary don't worry about clicking on it.

Meanwhile - we are all here for you, or PM if you'd rather. Much love xxxx

For some reason my links are both the same, the section I wanted to guide you towards was section 22 'Living With Uncertainty'.

I guess it's also helped (in a very strange way) to have had a lot of people in my life die of all sorts of very unexpected things. It's made me realise that actually it's fairly normal not to live to old age, and that absolutely anything can happen at any time. So living for today and enjoying today is hugely important to me.

you are right there amber.

Have just got letter from hospital- my mammogram has shown changes in my right breast (the good one) and they want to do an ultrasound - will have to ring them as there's no appointment included. It's signed by my surgeon.

Oh MAS, I'm so sorry It may be that they are just being very vigilant, fingers crossed for you, and hope they give you an appointment soon.

What a horrid shitty process this all is sometimes.

Lots of hugs, lots of love K xxxx

MAS - bugger. Try not to go into a tailspin though, ring straight away and get in. Changes could be anything. There's clearly no lump.

Pennies, your feelings are entirely normal and I'd agree with everything everyone here has said. MAS is right, I would suggest hypnotherapy and NLP, you don't have to go with anything specific in mind, I have been attending mainly group sessions that are intended to relax and refocus thoughts and emotions, and this has been terrific (and also cheaper than one-to-one). I have also had a couple of me-specific sessions, but in the main even the group stuff just gives your head a chance to take things on board and to gain a few surprising insights.

As regards the body image thing, I have no advice. I hate mine too, but I am using the hypno and NLP to support me while I work on the things I can change (weight, fitness) and also to help me get past the things I can't. Youa re right, it is exactly like PTSD.

I am not always happy, cheerful and positive, but find that these things are helping me to be so more of the time. However, I have my mammogram this afternoon, and will be a bag of nerves, believe me.

MAS, eek! Hope you get a good answer, soon.

Cakesandale, eek also re your forthcoming mammogram. Let us know how it goes?

G'ah and g'ah again to this ghastly disease. MAS, that's horrible for you, but the others are right it changes can be next to nothing and whatever they've very obviously got it early. Am sending you a virtual hug. xx

Sorry have no time, as DS off school as his is a polling station. Fingers crossed for Cakes this afternoon though. And a big wave to Pennies. Lovely to see you back, but sorry to hear you're so down. Will post more later.

Good luck for this afternoon Cakes

thanks
and good luck cakes- thinking of you...x

Thank you all!

Amber - it's an annual check up thing, those of us who had lumpectomies get them every year from now on. It's important, as you can see from the fact that MAS's has just spotted something (or nothing) at a very, very early stage when it can be dealt with. But they don't half bring it all back

pebbles.. im not surprised you feel as you do im almost halfway through chemo,i have already had so many high lows and scares.its bound to have an effect at the moment i cope by taking each day as it comes.

figgy...im sorry to hear your feeling sickly on the FEC,i had to change my sickness tablets it might be a good idea for you to look into changing them.

mas..hopefully they are just being extra cautious,good luck for today my thoughts are with you.

dont know whats up with me today feeling drained and lacking in enegy,im fine pottering round the house but as soon as i get out in the real world im wobbly and struggling to put one foot in front of the other. had my bloods taken today the nurse cheered me up by telling me i look ill,felt like telling her chemo is no walk in the park not even recovered from my last session and got the next one due,all food tastes rubbish,am bloody knackered,got a blood clot to contend with and my hairs fell out.im in trouble with my son because i forgot to buy him a new football and my mums getting on my nerves and a stupid control freak x who thinks its his duty to do everything he can to try and help me.

phewww got that out i can breath again now.

Cakes, hope it was okay this afternoon. Do you have to wait for results? Am guessing so.

Amber's right Figgy - definitely get some other tablets for next time. Feeling woosy sounds horrid. You're doing brilliantly to have got through first FEC though. Another step closer to the end.

Pennies, I haven't much of sense to add, but for me I do think solidarity helps. I can't do the BCC forums either, but this thread has been a huge lifeline as somehow it helps normalise it (like that's really possible.. ). Am tempted by mindfulness, but for now I'm just concentrating on recovering physically and starting to work out how I feel about what this all means. PTSD is pretty accurate I'd say, so it'll take time I think and be hard work, but we've got this far and want to live, so there has to be a way somehow..

pink, wobbly's okay - actually wobbly sounds sanely normal to me. If it helps, I wanted to kill virtually everyone when I was at your stage. Fortunately I didn't have the energy.

MAS, did you get your appointment? Really hope you did. Must all be hugely unsettling.

Hope everyone else is alright tonight. All feels a bit bleak on here today, but it still helps to hear somehow. I'm going to cook a huge chick pea and kale curry to cheer myself up. It's one of my favourites and has the added bonus of being absurdly healthy.

eventually got through to the right people via bcn and appointment is on Thursday
love to all having/who've had treatment this week -and hope your mammogram went smoothly cakes

Good on you, MAS, getting it sorted. I'm walking with you all the way.

We all seem to be a bit wobbly at the moment for various reasons. I suppose it's inevitable, the process goes on long after the end of active treatment, and I think it changes you forever anyway. But as someone once shouted tunelessly, "We get knocked down, but we get up again'.

I also think solidarity is important. But the BCC forums are way too scary. This is cosier and more fun.

Ladies on chemo - wobby is fine, wanted to murder is fine, forgetting to buy a football is DEFINITELY fine. Keeping getting up in the mornings and functioning at all means you are doing great.

Smee - chick pea and kale???? That sounds fab. Send a bowl this way....

My mammo went smoothly thanks, at least in that I was in on time, and out within five minutes. The mangled boob was pretty ouchy and still feels as if it is a bit aggrieved by the process. The results - probably by the end of next week, she said - so the nailbiting starts here.

That's good MAS. Not too long to wait then. Keep busy until then and I'd bet the news will be reassuring.

Does anyone have any thoughts on baby sitting rates? A friends 16 year old is going to look after DS tonight for a couple of hours. Up to now we've always had friends or DS's old child minder, who priced herself out of our league. She wanted £10 an hour, plus a taxi home - which when you tot it up makes for an extraordinarily expensive evening..

Hope everyone's feeling okay today. I'm trying to limit my coffee intake and focus on work. Ha!

x-posted Cakes. Sorry it was all eaten. Glad mammo was okay. Do you have to go for results or do they send a letter?

Sorry to hear you've been called back, MAS. Not long to wait, though. I'm sure it will be fine.

Glad yours went okay Cakes and the tenderness has gone now.

I agree, the BCC forum is very scary and there's so much of it too - so many different threads it gets too much. I much prefer this thread. (((((Hugs to you all for being here and supporting me))))).

Smee, your curry made my mouth water (suprisingly, considering how sicky I'm feeling today). Could I have the recipe for when I'm feeling hungry again?

Couldn't eat any tea or supper last night but had a good nights sleep. Then as soon as I woke up the sickness hit me. I've taken the tablets but am going to the doctors later for something stronger. I hope it knocks it on the head.

Hope you all manage to have a lovely day and that the sun's shining where you are.

I will dig out my recipe later Figgy and post. So sorry FEC sickness has hit you. It is grim, isn't it. Try all and any drugs - got to be worth it if they stop it.

Figgy, the sickness, what a pain. Get it sorted, it's a hassle you don't need.

I'd like the recipe too, smee. Sounds like something my diet would allow . I can't say the same for the wine I drank last night

My mammo results will come in a letter, I believe, smee. Last year it took me about 10 minutes to stop my hands shaking enough to open the envelope

am glad it was quick and not too horrid cakes !
Am going to bake an orange polenta cake shortly -for meditation day on Sunday - gluten-free as I didn't want to leave anyone out-will save some for my boys too. Will see mum as dad is out today (am not mentioning the ultrasound but have told lalaa) and wander into town. We are going to supper with friends tomorrow and I said I'd do the cheeses -I have blacksticks blue,some Somerset brie and a goats cheese from Cornwall - must get some nice crackers from M&S and some grapes. Feel ok,just a bit churned.

Cakes I recognise those shakes. Surely wine is acceptable after a mammo?

MAS I love your idea of cheeses. Wish I could come. Polenta cake am not so sure of, but that's probably ignorance. Am sure it will be delicious.

Recipe later. work calling...