TAMOXIFEN 9 *********

[MaryAnnSingleton]

Starts here !

Yeay for shrinking lumps!! Hooray to all three of you. Honestly you are doing well to be this far through. I know it might not seem it, but you're on the homeward stretch.

Figgy, hope the indigestion's eased. Maybe it's stress/ worry over first FEC? Seem to remember I got incredibly wound up when I switched to the next round of drugs. Happy Anniversary to you and your DH. And just to reassure you, yes you will drink wine again, I can most definitely testify to that.

LGF, not much news is definitely good news. Big congrats on surviving the Easter Holidays. No mean feat, small children plus chemo.

Pink, that's scary - blood clot I mean. Just shows you have to get everything checked and it's brilliant you did. I did the self injecting during Tax chemo and found it okay once I'd got used to it. Am sure you will too - as you say, far better than having to wait for the DN each day.

MAS, hope the clouds lift soon for you. Maybe sometimes it's okay to feel so down? I think you do brilliantly managing it all, but I suppose it can't always work. Am sending you a virtual hug, as I have no solutions other than that.

Cakes, what sort of dog is it?? I hope it's cute. I'm not at all sure I'd like a dog's snout snuffling away at me as I type.

Waving to Phil. I'll go to your link and sponsor too. Sounds like a brilliant thing to do. It's great that you haven't forgotten us.

LimeJelly, where are you?? Hope you're okay, come and let us know when you can.

I have drunk 3 cups of very strong coffee, so am buzzing about like an idiot, and am being absurdly unproductive..

thanks smee - am sure it'll pass
Happy Anniversary too figgy and to you spongecakes on Friday
Yes,what kind of dog ?

It's a border collie. I must say, keeping her from terrifying the poor rabbits is a big challenge. She is also obsessed with food, and I can't say I blame her. Her meals are two handfuls of very dull looking dried sawdust type stuff, twice a day. It wouldn't cut it for me either. I have just slid her some tuna - shhhh!

MAS -It's awful when you feel down but, as smee says, sometimes it may be OK to just let it be so. Try not to worry about it being a backward slide - you have come so far that I bet it isn't. Just stay with it, take a look at it, acknowledge it and then try to let it go. It may have something to teach you. (God, I've had too much hypnotherapy now, haven't I? )

Did I tell you ages ago I am contributing to a five year research programme into BC? I am about to go for my 2nd annual session and I have to do a food diary for a week first. God, it's an eye opener.

cakes, keep forgetting to say, but I do think your hypnotherapy's intriguing. Keep updating us, as am ever so interested. Good on you for the BC research programme. How honest will your food diary be?!

Thanks very much ladies, your donations are really appreciated. I do remember you all smee, every day! Just useless at getting the time to get on here and keep up to date - you all go too quickly for me!!

I have the same problem, phil.

I'll update alright, smee. I am obsessed! Actually the weekly relaxation sessions have stopped now, but I am going to monthly NLP sessions which incorporate a bit of hypnotherapy as well. It's great, I definitely feel more chilled and also a bit more willing to give annoying people the benefit of the doubt (though still not for long).

As regards the food diary - I am trying to be honest, but the amount of tea I drink is a bit of an embarrassment. Also my portion sizes are a bit blush-making. It would be much, much worse if I wasn't on this new healthy eating programme, of course, so it has come at just the right moment

Too much tea?! Is that the worst you can confess to, cakes?

Since the weekend, yes! So far this week I have been a changed woman! I fear my newly virtuous, post-NLP eating and drinking plan may skew the research results in a dramatic way

Blimey, what a week this has been...first the portacath operation that went sort of wrong when the sedatives didn't work on me. Then yesterday one cockup after another at the hospital including two nurses who couldn't get the portacath to work. Seven hours in total to get one set of FEC in me. Was exhausted and panic stricken in equal measure. And it bloomin' well hurts when they put the needle in. If this is 'easier' than finding a vein in my arm, I'm the flying dutchman.

Who's for a ?

blimey amber you need rather than a brew. Why was it so problematic then? I thought ports were supposed to just zip it through??

ooh dear, amber, that sounds pretty crap. I think you should speak to the consultant, smee's right, the whole point of a port is to make life easier and more comfortable.

Have several

I think he's put the port in at an angle instead of flat, which is why they are having difficulty finding it and using it. Yup, sounds like a plan. Will speak with the bc nurse first I think.

Ooh that sounds a bit familiar now you've said it. I didn't have a port for chemo, but had one with my comedy implant after mastectomy. That flipped so they couldn't inject the saline. I had it flipped back under local, which wasn't too bad, so maybe they could do similar? Definitely worth sorting I'd say. You can't go through that every time. How's the fec hitting you? Hopefully not very much.

Feel fairly ok right now, felt very very sick during it yesterday. just tired so far. At least that's the last of the four FECs. Just the docetaxel x 4 to go plus all the other fun n' games...

yikes amber -several s definitely required - poor you.
I remember you saying about the study sponge - surely much tea is a very good thing ?
You have said exactly what my meditation teacher has said - be with the feelings,acknowledge it and breathe into it - but this is where I'm coming unstuck.

smee...im sure your right just 6 months seems a long long time my stomach is already full of bruises,think it will be easier when my arm is not so stiff. but for some strange reason i cant stand the idea of anyone else doing it for me.

amber.. poor you that really doesnt sound good.

cakes...is that a new dog you have?

i cant believe how fast this cycle has gone have bloods tomorrow,consultant friday and my 3rd FEC chemo on monday.this will also means im halfway through my chemo thank goodness for that but not looking foward to feeling grotty again from monday and a little bit worried they are going to mess up my good arm.when this is all over i never want to see another flipping needle again lol.

Gosh a lot of posts to catch up on today Pink I'm really pleased you got your arm looked at and they are being vigilant with you -the injections every day must feel a bit daunting, but you will probably be surprised how quickly you get used to it and take it in your stride

Figgy and LGF - shrinking lumps is good news, and happy anniversary Figgy (and Cakes for Friday)

MAS sorry you are feeling down at the moment - sometimes its just a question of riding it out, and waiting for it to lift, I hope the meditation day helps.

Smee - I know the coffee feeling - some days I feel as if I need loads of coffee just to get me functioning in the morning - then I tip over into hyper!

Amber - you poor thing, seven hours you must be fed up about the port, I hope they can sort that out for you so it actually does make things better not worse!

Cakes - dog sounds fun, I like border collies - my sister's had several, one was called Pat (Pat the Dog geddit?? ) . I like the idea of a food diary, - I think I'll start one of those, and smaller portion sizes - I have recently got myself a small bowl - to stop me eating my usual bucket of cereal for breakfast.

I had my physio this afternoon (cycled to it, - its about 7 miles each way, - bike saddle is incredibly uncomfortable, I am walking like John Wayne).

Anyway it was a good session, she did loads of exercises with me, and has given me a list of them for homework. She said I was hypermobile (news to me) and the shoulder problem is caused by tendons getting pinched when I do certain movements. Also a nerve that goes all down your arm is being irritated, and that she reckons is contributing to the carpal tunnel. She's given me a splint to wear on my wrist. Told me my posture was awful and not to use the laptop too much (also ).

But I feel quite hopeful that its going to help, I'm going back for another lot in 2 weeks.

Hope everyone else is OK today - LJ hope you are OK, haven't seen you for a while.

physio sounds very good KK - hope you aren't too saddle sore

Pat the dog - should be a groan emoticon. Cakes, don't border collies need aching amounts of exercise?

Physio sounds good Kurri, and 14 miles is very impressive. You are allowed to feel smug. I'm hypermobile too, and was similarly clueless until told by an Osteopath. I still don't know what it means.

Pink, good luck tomorrow with bloods. Third FEC's impressive. Nearly halfway.

Amber, congrats on reaching the end of FEC. That's a real milestone. What's the spacing between your Tax then. Is it every 3 weeks? I found Tax okay - I was definitely far less nauseous on it, which was my main SE on FEC. Hope that's vaguely cheering.

Hope all others are okay for now. Still a bit worried about LJ..

Hello (waving to everyone on here) - am a bit whacked as Polish guest is still here and that's coming up towards 5 weeks now!! Fortunately DH has taken him sailing off west coast of Scotland for a few days so my DS and I can relax till Sunday. Its is sad as PG (that's Polish guest) is searching so hard every day for a job but there is just nothing he can really go for. So DH and I are soending time (DH more than me) on helping him with cvs and applications etc but I fear its a bit hopeless.

Anyway apart from that all is well here - biut nervous about DD's imminenent finals - I'm still losing weight which I'm so chuffed about - and I've has a quick skim through recent posts.

MAS - hang in there. I'm sorry to hear you're rather down. Do you know what's behind this? Can only offer a virtual hug really and say do focus on your many talents and gifts and blessings - if you can.

Amber - I hope you can get your port sorted as I agree the whole point of them is to avoid the painful bits. My thing in my arm (OMG I've forgotten its name) was brilliant for my last 4 months of chemo and greatly releived my anxiety and stress. This is probably a good sign that I have so let this memory go that I can't remember what that tube was!!

KK physio and cycling sound excellent.

I hope everyone is enjoying the fabn weather as much as poss. My seedlings in my playhouse greenhouse/shed are absolutely galloping upwards - its great! (What will I be able to do with all those cucumbers when they are ripe ?!)

I'm not on here much at the mo due to work and hiding upstairs out of the way - but its still so nice to know you all on here. xx

Oh god this is going to be an odd post. I am writing having not read recent posts tho I do promise do to so.

I feel terrible that I'm such sporadic poster. But the thing is, I can't cope with the cancer world. Unfortunately, as from Dec 2009 I'm in it and a large part of me will always be in it.

For the newbies I'm 17 months past diagnosis, done double (elective) mastectomy, chemotherapy, rads now on herceptin until august and tamoxifen for 5 Years.

In general I feel well. I can stay up late and do loads of exercise and function as a normal person. Today I felt my (newly grown and now almost 3" long) hair move of it's own accord. I often get people telling me I look well but sometimes they say I look tired [worried].

My onc says not to drink unless it's high days or holidays which means enjoying alcohol at all is guilt laden.

Similarly with the non dairy free diet I've chosen to go on. Guilt aplenty but I REALLY believe it's right for me but I fall off the wagon occasionally and the guilt terrifies me.

In fact I'm in constant terror. I spend all my time thinking about what if the cancer comes back? Ia had 5/17 nodes involved + a grade 3 cancer so there's no way I'm def in the clear.

Throughout my treatment I had regular therapy but that was for stress. I now think I'm in a kind of PTSD sitatuaion because I can't mov on from it. I'm so scared by it but afraid to move away from it which results in permanent hypochondria which is stressful in itself.

I'm irritable with my children, I'm feeling guilty and deprived by the diet restrictions I believe to help me, I hate my post surgery body to the extent that I don't look down in the shower and get dressed away from mirrors. I find my naked self repulsive. Obviously this affects my sex life which is also trashed by the SE's of tamoxifen.

I am not the person I was. am I unrealistic to hope to get bjack to the person I was? I went to see Kylie recently and it astounded me that she could dod what she does. I can't imagine having tht body confidence again.

I'm so sorry that I am suocha sporadic poster. For some reason I can't stay in the whole BC mindset. The BCC forum is terrifying to me so you're all I've got.

Old timers what are your coping mechanisms? How do you seem so cheerful and positive all the time.?

I hate me.

dear Pennies - it's always lovely to see you back here,but quite understand that you need to be away from bc related things - I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad -you have been through such a lot and it's no wonder you are feeling as you do.

I didn't go through the mill as severely as you and most others here but I can understand how you feel as I believe my diagnosis has stirred up a whole load of past stuff and added it to the mix - unhealthily so,as there's not a day that I don't think of bc.

Although I'm struggling with my meditation practice at the moment I will recommend Mindfulness as a very useful tool for calming the mind (and Cakes may well recommend hypnotherapy or her NLP) - it restores a balance in a gentle way...if you are being present then you can free yourself of the worrying about the future or past -that's the theory !
It really might be worth looking into -everyone who does the course reports feeling calmer and uses the practise to deal with difficult times...will link to it anyway.

SR -so lovely to see you- at PG still being with you,but horrid for him not finding a job... well done for flourishing seedlings

Pennies,
Large unmumsnetty (((((hugs))))) for you. There is nothing hateable about you. There's nothing wrong with feeling scared of all this, or admitting we're not coping if we're not, or needing support and love and acceptance. Nothing at all. And bc treatment does its level best to take away all that is feminine and sexy from us. Finding ways round that seems to be the knack.

Me, (grade 3 also) I find looking for the positive news and focusing on it is really handy, e.g yesterday's science report that vitamin D is brilliant for beating cancer, and the science report very recently that shows that if you eat healthily (occasional naughtiness is good for you too) and exercise a healthy amount (not too much and exhaust ourselves) then we have a 90% better chance of beating it altogether. Plus the study recently that looked at 2000 women and their social networks and noticed that those with a good support network around them had a 50% greater chance of beating all this. It's all common sense stuff, because it seems it works every bit as well as the drug regimes etc.

There's no certainties, no. Waking up and knowing that is not easy, but (for me) my faith gets me through the dark times.

Have you pondered reconstructive surgery of some kind to help you feel more like 'you'? Would your doc help with the sorts of feelings you have and be able to suggest a counselling service of some kind to help you through the worst bits?

Keep talking. I know what you mean about the other forum - it can get a bit shouty here and there and there's a lot of eek news on there (which there would be - the ones who are coping don't use it, and the majority who survive to a ripe old age don't need it any more anyway).

PS hello everyone else - feeling a lot better after the eek experiences this last couple of weeks. We'll see what the medical team suggest about this bloomin' portacath circus...