End of Year 13: Results, Summer and plans for September and onwards

[Rollergirl11]

Noticed the current thread is almost full so thought I better start a new one for discussing results day and our DC’s plans for uni/gap years or anything else!

We took DD to Exeter yesterday. DH and I drove with the car full and DD drove down with her boyfriend who she wanted to come. DH and I didn’t think was a particularly good idea him coming but she was adamant. We made it clear that he absolutely shouldn’t stay the night as she should be getting to know her flatmates and doing something with them. She reassured us that he wouldn’t.

We got all her stuff in to her room and then went off to do a big shop for her. When we got back she was sat in the communal area with her boyfriend chatting to her new flatmates. We decided that we would head off to leave her to it but also as a bit of a prompt to boyfriend that it was time to leave.

Had a flurry of texts from her last night saying she’s hit it off with her flatmates and that they were heading to the local Spoons for the night. She said that she cried when boyfriend left.

Then find out this morning when DS happened to look on his Snap maps that boyfriend is still there! Really cross that she’s lied to us, feeling like a bit of a mug. But more importantly I’m worried what impression this gives of DD to her flatmates, who probably aren’t particularly happy that some random is staying on the first night! Haven’t spoken to DD yet today but pretty fed up with her.

What do people think about this?

I think it’s not the best choice, but that’s what she’s chosen to do.

Lying is a bigger issue for me. It’s a real shame she’s done that. Presumably she did that as you wouldn’t have been happy about the truth that he was staying….but it also makes you wonder if she will be honest about other stuff.

I think in your position I would try not to let it become a big thing and a wedge between you at this point. Somehow, I’d tell her I knew he stayed and simply say it’s not what you thought was the best way to start with flatmates, but she has to choose. At the same time, without maki g it a big deal, I’d say I really hope she will feel she can be honest about things. You’ll try to give her space to make decisions and it would be good if she could be honest with you - focus on this as the way forward for you both as adults.

I can imagine. It’s a big step for them, and a complete life change for us. They have everything in front of them, exciting times ahead. We have a big hole to fill. Til Christmas anyway.

It’s her life. We as parents can only advise now and if they choose not to take the advice, so be it. It’s very hard and I really empathise.

DS did similar for the 18 months he was with his GF. The day she dumped him, 5 weeks into his first term, was a mixture of total relief and sadness for my boy and sorrow we couldn’t be there to comfort him. He learned so much from it and won’t make the same mistakes again.

Is the boyf going to uni? How likely are they to last?

@Rollergirl11 funny you should say this because we (well DD obviously!) had this from the other side somewhat yesterday.

When we moved DD into her flat in halls yesterday, the first room as you entered had the door open and there was a young woman and young man in there sorting out the room. DD called out hi, and I think they both called out hi back but didn't come out. As DD was carrying boxes couldn't stop and went straight into the kitchen which was opposite the open bedroom to put them down. DH and I went back and forth to the car while DD was sorting out her stuff in the kitchen. At one point I was waiting for DH and was in the hall, so opposite the open bedroom door. The boy was more talkative and friendly and asked what room my daughter was in. I wasn't sure which of them was the occupant of the flat so as he'd asked me this I thought maybe it was him. So I think I asked but it was the girl who was living there, the boy said he was there just helping. The girl looked up briefly from what she was doing and said hi and told me her name when I asked. Half an hour or so later they closed the bedroom door. At no point in the several hours we were there did the girl come out or introduce herself to DD. I must admit, I thought that was poor form and I wondered whether the boy would be staying the night and I hoped he wouldn't.

DD said later by text it was all girls in her flat and everyone seemed nice. DD went to the main Freshers social with 2 of them, and the 3 of them hit it off. The girl with the boyfriend there wasn't one of them so I don't know if she spent the evening with her bf.

In your situation, I would be angry about the lying. I'd feel the same as you about wanting him not to stay the night but of course it's your DD's decision. She's old enough however to own it.

@Rollergirl11 that's a tough one...I'd be upset about the lying & that he stayed too but think I'd let it go. DS's best friend went to uni this weekend & asked DS to come over to stay during Freshers week to go out with him. Obviously DS has school so said no anyway, but also agreed with me that it would be an odd thing to do - but it made me reflect that some of these young adults may be feeling very insecure about being detached from their friendship groups (or boyfriends/girlfriends).

Personally I'd address the lying, or at least point out I knew she'd lied, because that's between the three of you.

I wouldn't reiterate about how I thought it was bad etiquette towards the flatmates to have her bf stay over (which I totally agree with btw) because you'd given your advice about that before and that's between your DD and her flatmates.

Thanks everyone, it’s good to get some perspective on this.

I think we will speak about the lying but let the fact that he stayed go. I’m just a bit worried about why she had him stay over as she’s usually very self aware and would be at pains to create a good impression.

Boyfriend is 2 years older, doesn’t go to uni and works full time here at home. They have decided to give long distance a go but DD has told me that he doesn’t think he will be able to cope with it. In fact apparently he had a wobble and nearly ended it all the night before we took her yesterday. So I wonder if this has had a hand in her decision and she’s desperately trying to convince him otherwise. Being brutally honest I don’t think it will be long before they split. And being selfish it would have been better for DD (and us) if they’d decided to call it a day before she left for uni as she is likely to spiral and will probably release. But what can we do? It’s their decision at the end of the day! 🤷‍♀️

@Rollergirl11 yes it absolutely does sound like her BF’s wobble had something to do with her having him stay. Do you like him? Because imo, a supportive, encouraging and emotionally secure partner would say no, it’s best FOR YOU that I don’t stay overnight and you get to know your new flatmates and go out with them on your own.

I wrote a few weeks ago how DD’s BF broke up with her because of stress about how they’d manage long distance (some practical reasons why it would be v difficult). DD was upset but later said to me that after a few days, she’d realised that her general anxiety levels had decreased massively. She realised she’d been stressed about how she’d manage the two parts of her life, and she told her ex he’d been right, and better to do it before they do. They have remained friends, he’s a throughly decent young man who has been good to DD, and he asked if he could come and help her pack. He spent two half days doing that and was a huge help.

Ultimately if as you predict they will split up, hopefully it will be the same for your DD in that she realises there’s a release in anxiety about how to compartmentalise and manage the predictabilities. Even if she doesn’t, she at least will have the distraction of the novelty of a new adventure and having opportunities to socialise and do things literally on her doorstop. And she has a wise and supportive mother who is there if she needs you

Typo: should be “better to do it before they GO [to university]” !

That's upsetting. Are you sure the snapchat location is reliable? I guess we have to leave them to it... maybe drop in some points about why too much staying over is not popular at a later point?
All sorted here, ds wanted no support or help at all so we hugged goodbye and left him to unpack and, hopefully, chat!
Do I still belong on mumsnet? Big changes.

@aramox1 have you not read the Education boards before? There are daily posters on there who don’t work in education whose youngest DC graduated school well over 10 years ago or even university over 7 years ago…

So yes, you TOTALLY still belong

Thanks Ithink I think DD isn't planning on doing much cooking either though she does a fair amount here though she is going to take a mini fridge.

DD has just been watching Formula 1 with friends. She worked yesterday on river tours. Said she will spend 3 nights at her boyfriends in Bristol Uni next week. Her boyfriend gave the cat a leaving present of lots of little toy mice.

It's difficult Rollergirl I have just left it up to DD and her boyfriend when they see each other. I hope your DD will be OK. Would probably just encourage her to join things so if they split she will know others.

Is he allowed to keep things in his room MrsAvocet DD is getting a mini fridge to put in her room and will keep kitchen stuff in her room. Though different places seem to have different rules but might be easiest way of ensuring no-one else uses things and does not clean them. Maybe get different to normal ones as well like coloured cutlery rather than the standard ones. I have very low expectations for student hygiene including DD, at least this way it's just her own.

Thanks Sammy Glad your DD is settling well.

Glad things got sorted Writers

@Rollergirl11 hopefully it will run its course…soon. My DSs uni life started proper a few weeks after the dumping when he found out she’d moved on rather quickly. I suspect there was some overlap. 🤨

@aramox1 lol sounds like my DS. He couldn’t get rid of us fast enough! DD OTOH has already said she wants me to help her set up her room, stay the night, take her for breakfast the following morning. DH a bit horrified 😂

They are all different and we support them in the ways they need. One is not right or wrong.

thanks @SooperOuting that's a nice reassurance and @WriterOfWrongs - so true! It's weird with an only (tho at least we get the pleasures of couple life and not making family dinner back)
What's it like for those younger siblings when the first child's gone? Must be strange too.
@MirandaWest your poor hairbrush, though it somewhat reminds me of Health Certificates in boarding school stories.

We've still got two weeks to go and it feels like a long wait. So many of DS's friends have now gone be feels a bit left behind even though he knows he is going.

Nothing really left to get now. Just waiting.

Same here @QueenMabby - 10 days and nothing organised yet 🤣

Trying to get her moving on this tonight - I need to go and move the graduate next weekend so need to shop tomorrow for some bits and leave the rest for (competent) dad to ensure.

I'm home. DS's accomodation is OK. It's not as modern as my elder son had in first year and looks like it could do with a lick of paint in places but plenty good enough. It's a mixed flat,2 girls and 3 boys, and as DS was last to arrive the fridge was already quite full with neatly arranged and largely healthy food. I know I shouldn't read too much into that as it might be all parents' work, but it's a good start at least!
I was surprised how quiet it was on campus, there was barely a soul around and we had no trouble parking right by DS's hall. I presume that will all change tomorrow though when Fresher's activities kick off in earnest.
I realised when we got there we'd left some stuff at home but by extremely good fortune DH is working in Glasgow at the end of the week so he can drop it off. I am resisting the temptation to go too. I have nothing on that day so I could, and would very much like to, but I know DS needs to make friends and having your Mum show up for the day less than a week in is definitely not cool!
I can't deny that it feels strange at home tonight though, with just the two of us in a house that used to be a constant hive of activity. I know they do still need us, just in a different way, but it is going to take a bit of getting used to now that they've all flown the nest.

On the way home. I know ds won't have unpacked his stuff/ sorted his room - just hope eventually peer pressure and common sense kicks in!

DD cooking brownies and cookies to take to her boyfriend at Bristol and making some for us too, she's off on Wednesday to see him and staying until Friday. I had bloods and markings today, all back bar one blood test which hoping comes in pre 7am tomorrow when surgery scheduled for.

Final blood in 10.07pm, going right up to the wire there. DDs cookies were lovely.

Good luck @Penguinsa

Hope all goes well and on time @Penguinsa . You reminded me I bet ds has forgotten his box of homemade cookies! But I don't want to text more than strictly necessary!

Hope everything goes well tomorrow @Penguinsa
Best wishes for a smooth recovery.

Good luck @Penguinsa, will be thinking of you tomorrow 🍀🌷