Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

I really empathise with you although I have no advice or wise words.... I'm sorry. My daughter sounds very very similar and she is only in year 10! She is 14. I'm a single parent too, no other children and I am at my wit's end too. I hope somebody on here can help you, it's really really tough I'm sorry..💞

I’d shed an adult at University it’s none of your business. Why are you paying can’t she get a loan?

Don't listen to those telling you being drunk and making a mess out if yourself is a normal behaviour. Its never normal at any age.You are actually a good mother who is worried about your child. Being drunk can get her raped, kidnapped, murdered etc. I'm sure these same mothers telling you otherwise will come and cry when something horrible happens to their child as result of being drunk. Just because your child is an adult doesn't mean you can't advise as a mother. I will say, have a word with her and discuss your worries. Who knows, she might listen to you.

I would say if she wants to act grown, let her be grown. Don't constantly contact her, text her saying "if youre going out tonight, let me know you get home safe and have a blast!" That's all she needs.

Do NOT leave the bank of mum open for her and fund her lifestyle, she can get a job, if she doesnt already have one, and fund her own life. Don't drop everything for her and make yourself readily available all the time (unless it's an emergency) You're the parent and you're in control.

You're not crazy for feeling the way you do, you're a worried parent and she's your only child, she will always be your baby but you have to let her spread her wings, try new things and just quietly let her know you're always there for her.

Seeing some of the rude replies on here shock me. Youre doing nothing wrong. She's your only baby and you have every right to be concerned, but her behaviour is relatively normal.

For a bit of reassurance, I went to uni, I went out partying and then I dropped out of uni, moved to a different town with a new boyfriend and lied to my parents for months telling them I was going to uni when I wasn't. When my parents found out I dropped out they lost their minds!
But I'm now 27 with a mortgage, a stable job and a stable relationship (Not the one I got in when I moved here). Let the girl live but don't molly coddle her forever, you may be her mother but she has to learn and she will be grateful for you in the long run.

You can't know many university students if you don't think that being drunk is normal behaviour.

I don't think it's very helpful or true to tell the OP that her daughter is not behaving normally by drinking and not participating in extra curricular activities during the first year of her university life.

You can't keep adult children under your control for their whole lives. You just have to do your best to make sure they know how to be an adult when that time comes.

Being drunk can get her raped, kidnapped, murdered etc. I'm sure these same mothers telling you otherwise will come and cry when something horrible happens to their child as result of being drunk.

I find this such a despicable thing to write @Lilly1812.

Thoughtless and uneducated.

You're not crazy for feeling the way you do, you're a worried parent and she's your only child, she will always be your baby but you have to let her spread her wings, try new things and just quietly let her know you're always there for her

This is good advice.

I can guarantee her daughter will tune her out or will get up and leave the room, slamming the door behind her if she tries to say "being drunk will get you raped, kidnapped, murdered, etc".

It will be patently obvious to the daughter that none of these things have happened either to her or to any of her friends so far, and she will dismiss her mother's "advice" as irrational nonsense.

It's better to offer practical tips - stay with your friends, don't leave a party without the entire gang you arrived with, keep your drink in your hand the entire time/ drink only straight from the bottle, have something substantial to eat before you head out drinking, make sure your phone is fully charged when you're going out, make sure you have money for a taxi or a solid plan for getting home (that doesnt involve getting into a car driven by someone who has been drinking) when you're out.

That way, the daughter will take her seriously. Ranting about rape, kidnapping, and murder (especially when you imply the victim is at fault through being drunk) will only start an argument at best and at worst alienate the daughter in a serious way.

Sounds tough OP! Personally, I'd offer advice and hope that some of it sticks

• line your stomach before/during drinking
• sip water alongside booze (would your daughter be mindful of alcohol wreaking havoc on her skin?)
• watch out for your mates on nights out (hopefully vice versa too)
• ask for Angela at the bar if needed

Not telling her to say that to her daughter obviously. Just giving scenarios of what might happen and does happen. I was referring to those saying being drunk and having incidents is normal. She can talk to her , it's her daughter. Ignoring it and assuming it's a normal behaviour is what I don't agree with. And some mothers telling her to butt out is what concerns me. Yes, she's an adult but I don't see tge reason why people assumes just because a child is 18, they should be allowed to do whatever. 18 is no age.

They are allowed to do whatever because they are adults and away from home. You just hope that 18 years of prior parenting sees them through in the end.

You can guide them and set rules while they are at home, but while they are living away from home you don't know what they are doing from one minute to the next. It's just how it works.

I don't see tge reason why people assumes just because a child is 18, they should be allowed to do whatever. 18 is no age.

So,what should she actually do and say?

I’m glad my mum knew nothing of the risks I took when I was 18 and moved across the world. Looking back I think geez that was so incredibly stupid 😅
I used to get really drunk at uni and I’ve met up with guys in their house on the first “date”. Anything could of happened to me 🫣 if I had a daughter and she did all this stuff I would be terrified but I’m still here to tell the tale and nothing happened to me 😅

My DD is 18 and in the forces. She seems to have regressed in maturity and I find it hard to be supportive all the time!
I keep reminding myself although she’s an adult and independent, she’s still a teenager and her brain isn’t fully developed (for another 6-7 years!) so they will do stupid shit and drive us crazy

The size of loan you can get is now dependent on your parents financial position. The full student loans of the past are gone.

I know someone who was at Leeds university when the Yorkshire ripper was killing women, one night a victim was killed behind their property. They said at that age you feel immortal

I was a nightmare from 17 until my early 20s. I feel bad now I have my own child re how I was towards my parents. Drinking, socialising, boys and party drugs were my main priority and I saw my parents as an obstacle and as people who didn’t understand me to be honest. Looking back though it was pure immaturity and self centred behaviour. They just let me get on with it, learn my own lessons and the phase passed. Am sure she will come out the other side.

Even then it would only be your business to a limited extent. Of course this hurts and worries you, but there is nothing you can do about it. She will learn from having to deal with the consequences of her own behaviour. I hope you didn’t sort the lost passport for her. You need to take a step back and allow her to learn the hard way. Don’t try to advise her. She will have heard it all before and won’t listen. If she is living at home, tell her she must speak to you with respect and do her share around the house (she would have to if she lived in shared student accommodation) or she has to find somewhere else to live and importantly, mean it!

This is a bit of a long watch but it does make perfect sense …
our DCs are adolescents until age 27. It’s all good and well saying ‘she’s an adult’, she doesn’t have an adult brain yet though. As for the rudeness…I’d recommend a short sharp shock to let her know that isn’t acceptable!

Oh gosh, I went through this with my DD. I feel for you, it was incredibly tough.

Some people will suggest this is just normal teenager stuff but you know your daughter, right? It sounds like she's going through a rebellious, detachment phase like mine did. It was torture. She refused to look after her own welfare and I nearly died of fear trying to track her down etc.

In the end I had to adopt a strategy of neutrality around it all. Not engage with it. Hope for the best. The reality is I had no control, and I had to accept that. It was such a tough time but reflections on it now it's over.

They just don't get it, especially when they see others doing "the same". She had wild friends who would stay out all hours, get drunk, do drugs, etc.

She did apologise afterwards for how hard it was for me. She now doesn't do it that often, it's settled down.

But I agree it's hard. The main thing for me was accepting I couldn't control her but I could put boundaries in for myself.

Oh, for heavens sake. The OP will have already advised her. The only option now is to let her learn from the consequences of her own behaviour, or do you have a magic solution to this age old problem?

Hi, collage/university students this is actually normal behaviour, young 18 years olds plus like to party, they overly drink they overly party and try and cram everything else in, so no longer have time for sports (sometimes) this over spending and drinking best way to end it is help with the fees of university and nothing else she will be forced to provide for herself which is what this time in her life is about. When you stop being bank of mum and accepting her way of talking to you she will walk over you and it will get worse (I know people in their 40s (no kids) who still use bank of mum) this is your time to enjoy your life, make sure your bills are payed your food your social activities, before helping your daughter, at first was different while she learned how to manage money/time in real life, let her stand up and become independent which she needs to be or you will be there when time comes left holding her kids while she has fun.. look at the long run, we know what we need to survive and the skills we need to survive real life she needs to learn these things to. And can’t fully rely on you for rest of her life. If I was you I’d book myself a holiday and enjoy myself if she has to be rude well then get out there and live for you! She will soon learn x

My Dd had a major attitude change when she was 17, just as you say rude and disrespectful, so thankfully got it out of the way before she went to uni However she did fully embrace uni life, thankfully there was a pub next to her halls so she and her friends didn't have far to stumble home🙄. I drummed it into her to keep herself safe, and I also made sure we kept communication up so I knew she was ok. Other than that nothing you can do except hold your breath and wait for it to pass. My Dd is 3rd year now and has a lovely group of friends. If she doesn't settle down towards end of first year I would be having words though, because years 2&3 are the marks that make your final grades. Good luck

It’s not about ‘allowed’ by the parent. 18 = adult under the law. She can make all of the choices she is making and no one has the authority to stop her 🙄

Hiya, teenagers are hard work in general so I think once they finally get to be an adult they may potentially go a bit nuts.
I think all you can do is guide her and offer advice and check in. However if she's being disrespectful that's not on as whatever age she is you're still her parent.

What I would say is just remind her to be safe. Always go home with friends, walk in groups and if she's been drinking to be extra careful.

My eldest is a 15 year old boy, however I remember at that age I was not the nicest person. I'm a well rounded adult now. My mum still tells me off for things like vaping and I'm 44 with my own house, car and two kids 😆 🤣. That's just what mum's do, just remind her you do it because you care. X