Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

University students are like toddlers. You know when a toddler goes through that rebellious NO stage, and they know better. They refuse to do what you say even though you’re trying to protect them from harm? The difference is we do have to step back. They will make mistakes. Some of them costly, hopefully not unsafe. The more you push even to keep them safe the more they rebel. If you step back, she’ll come around. University is a hugely challenging self discovery phase. I didn’t do so well, fell pregnant but I’m successful now!

I would be checking if she's ok. Maybe she has fallen out with friends or been cheated on or even as you say been sexually assaulted - these things can lead to big personality shifts- that would be my priority.

Also check she is eating ok - she could be down on vitamins and not used to it

A girl I was friends with at uni who had been at boarding school went wild yr 1 with drink and lads. People just put it down to her being at a boarding school. It probably is a huge adjustment for her.

Years ago, I phoned my mum one a week from the pay phone on our corridor. She had no idea what I got up to.

You need to renegotiate your new adult/adult relationship which is really hard when you are used to being the advising parent. You need to step back and let her get on with it.
If I were you, I’d ask her to stop involving you in her drama as you worry too much. Obviously reassure her you’ll always be there for her in an emergency but say with a laugh that you’d rather not know the others exploits. She’s an adult now, she needs to make her own decisions but also suffer the consequences.

Insist on basic respect and politeness but try not to “parent” anymore. I know it’s hard. I struggle with this myself. Trying to give well meaning advice when all they want is to figure it out themselves. It’s normal.

Sounds like fairly typical student shenanigans tbh.

She'll settle down a bit once she's in the 2nd year.

But if she's doesn't, remember you are paying for her tuition, so perhaps refuse to.

She's an adult, after all.

If it helps, I was a very innocent, straight A, polite teen who never caused any issues. I wasn't used to drinking. On my first night of uni, I ended up in A&E, and after that binge drank a lot and behaved recklessly for a lot of university. I'm now 30 and a qualified mental health nurse in a stable marriage with a baby on the way. I'm back to barely drinking and resumed all my usual hobbies like crochet, reading, gaming, and board games. I caused my parents a lot of worry during those years.

The only other thing I'd say is check in with her. I drank a lot because I developed significant mental health problems at university as I'm not neurotypical and never fit in. Self-harm + binge drinking was how I coped a lot of the time. Also, poor mental health can make you rude and irritable! Chances are though, she's just like a lot of students and enjoying the freedom and testing boundaries. There's no other time of life it's acceptable to get bladdered 5 nights in a row and turn up to something after 2 hours of sleep still kind of drunk :D Nagging her about her drinking won't make her stop. Just encourage her to keep safe, be mindful of the risks of spiking etc, and to stick with people she trusts. Like I did, she'll eventually learn binge drinking on a regular basis tends to have consequences.

The rudeness obviously is less acceptable, so do what you need to do to make her understand that isn't acceptable.

My daughter is currently back from first year at uni; been back for Christmas then gone for assessments then back home again to see friends. I can’t do anything right. She was even annoyed with us for being ill. She’s also being lazy.
Im just sucking it up. I remember she was vile during her first term at secondary school. It’s all overwhelming and we are the people she doesn’t have to try with. Not worth falling out over. She’ll get there.

Oh hun, you/she are not unique! They are all displaying this behaviour! Hold on tight/cross your fingers and be there!!
Sorry, that's the only advice I've got sweetie x

She was in boarding school. It's her first taste if freedom and she's going to over indulgent for a child.

The fact you know about all these things, rather than them being hidden from you, is a sign of a good relationship.

Impossible not to worry but it's a phase and it will settle down. Even if she does test your patience for a little while, keep the lines of communication open. At least she has somewhere to turn if she messes up, that's what's important.

Another poster saying check in with her. The cycle of constant boozing at uni was just a defacto expectation but looking back I wish I'd done things differently. I also was miserable at uni for the first two years. And the final year I just kept going home on the weekends. I'd had enough of that scene.

I wonder if a few sessions with a life coach would help her work out her boundaries, her values and her motivations. Is she happy on her degree course? Does she know what she wants out of life? What makes her feel alive?

She sounds all at sea with all the drinking and going crazy.

Let her know if she ever feels overwhelmed or questioning who she is and what she wants out of life, that you'd pay for help for a few sessions and that this would be something you WOULD be happy to pay for.

Mental health is very very important these days. I say this as someone who had a wonderful kind loving mother and I also went to boarding school. But motherly love cannot solve all ills and questions of the mind. For that you need a professional.

And she will come back. At the moment she sees you a stuffy responsible old duffer who doesn't know how to have 'fun'. She's having a mini rebellion. But that sort of 'fun' eventually gets old and all you want is a hug with your lovely DM and time spent gently chatting and listening to each other as you talk about your thoughts on life.

I've had three go through university. First year Sheesh. They get drunk. Break, lose phones etc luckily my husband was chilled about it so I dialled it back.

I would say @shines1 that your daughter gets a summer job and saves for her term time forays and accidents. It really is easy come, easy go.

Come the second year they do quieten down a bit.

Well done on your studies.

Raging hormones are one thing , rudeness is another and should never be tolerated…Point out clearly that it will never be acceptable

Sounds like you’ve been a great Mum , wish you well

She sounds just like me when I was a teenager. Experimenting with alcohol and testing boundaries is a natural part of growing up. If she is seemingly enjoying uni life then I would give her some space. These 3 years are when children transition into adults. She will not be like this forever. Be supportive. I can guarantee you she is more than normal, and you sound like a good concerned Mum.

OP well done for doing your masters. My daughter was bloody awful when she went to Uni . She is now a Mum and completed her masters last year. She is a lovely thoughtful person and I am massively proud of her ..light at the end of a tunnel 😊

It’s really hard to get the right balance. My parents were really chilled with me at uni which was great until I had a really tough time and they missed all the cues. The most important thing is to be non-judgemental but always there to listen if she needs. The lack of respect thing isn’t great, but if it’s new she could be feeling stressed.

She needs your love and acceptance, no matter what. Do not push her away with threats and anger. She needs to know she can talk to you - no judgement.
when she does or says crappy things, smile and hug her. When she is expecting you to shout it be angry, embrace her. Do the unexpected but kind thing.
the two of you need an open dialogue. Tell her you are sorry (even if u aren’t) and ask what’s the best way you can support her. Never make it about you.
sports - who cares. At Uni it’s different culture.
Be there for her when she falls, but don’t do the messy jobs for her. If she vomits, she cleans it. Etc.

I'm a mature student at uni. From what I've seen, this is very VERY normal! They go mad with the rush of independence, think they know it all and it goes to their heads a bit. She'll even out.

@RazzlePuff I don't agree on this- I think fair but firm is fine- going OTT supportive just breeds a load of rude young expectant people, many happily taking you for a mug-

I was always there for our son- helped him out, listened when he needed help but we certainly didn't pander to him being a twat - and at 25 we are very close still

@RazzlePuff

no

rudeness is not ok.

she can be supportive without having to tolerate her daughter being rude and disrespectful towards her.

Sounds quite normal but the rudeness isn’t nice for you. You could bring your barriers down and tell her you’re finding the changes hard. She might need a big dose of love. It’s easy to get into tit for tat and one of you needs to wave the flag first and open up. Could you plan a meal out and have a chat in neutral ground? Sounds like a tough time for you. She’ll come back to you. It’s just a stage.

I have no new advice because it's been pretty much covered by PP. BUT you sound like a good mum. She still needs you, you are the constant in her life, just be there when she fucks up.

They're still learning to be adults at that age. My one starts uni in 2025 and I'm bracing myself.

At least she is telling you this stuff, which shows how close you are, I didn't dare tell my mum anything.

Be firm with the rudeness. If she runs out of money, don't bail her out, she'll have to get a job like many of us did.

It's early days.