Daughter unrecognisable since starting University…

[shines1]

Hello
I am literally at my wits end and hoping someone may have been in a similar position.
since starting Uni in September 2023 my Daughter has started to behave in ways that are both worrying and very disrespectful.
she doesn’t play sports anymore which she was always very good at and has had a number of alcohol related incidents,the most recent of which was losing her passport on a Uni trip to France 😳
she is rude and arrogant and entitled and I cannot every say the right thing.
I am paying a fortune for her to turn into a monster.
lit doesn’t help that I am a single Parent with no other children to either put things into perspective or compare her behaviour to others.
anyway offer any wise words or reassurance in respect of how to handle this.
I have stopped short of telling her if this is how she is going to behave she is on her own as that’s neither helpful nor true…but it’s actually impacting my mood significantly so need to take some drastic action in terms of how I manage this.
thank you…

This is true. I didn't tell my mum much at all about uni. The purses , ID cards etc I lost, the booze.

My dd is also in her 1st Yr at uni and I hear you about the rudeness. And yet today I have a message from her asking me to sort out some admin thing..hmm.

Clearly mum of the year... 🤔🤔

What a great parent you are! Any idea of the extent of the drinking culture & the danger it presents? I guess you must like it.

Id say the best thing to do is tough love which is the hardest to do but most effective. If she thinks she can treat you that way and then you still do nice things/give her what she wants or fix her problems then she's never going to learn that you can't treat people you love like that. As shes an only child that could play into it as she knows shes all you've got and that she's your world.... i hope this helps.... i know it will be hard to do but i think it's your only option. Good luck and i hope everything works out for you xx

She's just started a new chapter in her life. She's just gone to University.

I'll assume she's living at home.

She's going to be unruly, she's going to push boundaries, she's going to do a hell of a lot more than just be getting drunk and partying (sorry to say but she is).
She's going through a massive change, finding new friends all while trying to study.

University is a time where kids become adults and learn their own limits. Sometimes the hard way.

You just have to be there to gently pick up the pieces when she can't get herself unstuck.

She's your first kid that's in uni and this is her first experience of the real world.

You're both learning in this new chapter.

No you're not going to like everything she's doing but you can't wrap her in cotton wool forever.

This lot here are nuts. I hear ya.

You are being a very loud helicopter. She's not a child.

It's just a phase...if she's been ok up to now you're extremely lucky. And if so it also indicates it's a blip. It maybe a blip that will last a while; but a blip none the less. Be there for her; but with boundaries. She'll be ok in the end 👍

I believe, annoying and as frustating as it is, her behaviour is normal and for you to be worried is also normal and understandable.

The worry does evenutally ease and hopefully you daughter has good friendship to keep her safe.

My DD group of friends - have each other tracked so they know each other is safe, each person has a buddy when going out, they know about spiked drinks and usually don't drink in pubs - too epensive and have pre-drinks before going out. The uni will also have support and advise on staying safe.

The rudness, entitlement etc does get better.. at 30 I'm told. 😂😂

Totally feel your anxiety and frustration.

As hard as this is going to be for you, you need to stop trying to redirect her. I am not saying don't give advice, I am saying the more you push the more she will push back.

You are not going to like what I am going to say but if she is being disrespectful then you have to set boundaries and follow through with them.

Speaking to you like she does is not acceptable. Stop doing stuff for her if it continues.

She is being wild because she can. This is the part you want like. There's nothing you can do about it. She has to learn for herself that what you are saying is right.

Everything you feel as your mum is valid and it's hurtful how she is treating you. Yes, it's worrying that her ventures could take her to scary places or in compromising situations.

Ask her if she will join a location app so you can see she is safe, or of she goes missing you know her last whereabouts. My son was happy to join the 360 app when he worked away in York. He's since moved back and hasn't removed himself, I think he also likes to know where I am too.

However, this is for safety only and not to get on at her about where she goes etc. I think my son kept it cause he knew I didn't intrude in his life. It's reassurance for you too.

It's hard, but you have to back off. Somehing else you won't like me saying. It was hard for me, but I had to do it cause it was making me ill, the constant worry and battles 24/7.

She's pushing back, because you are still trying to parent her when she wants to feel free. Give advise, don't lecture, change your tone with her.

Of course she's going to be getting up to all sorts it's what alot of young people do. Let her make her own mistakes and have her own experiences.

I am not expecting my advice to go down well with you, so I ask you to consider how well is what you say to your daughter, going to go down with her ? Judging by your post I am thinking not very well atall.

To be honest m, I am more worried about you, because I know the mind set you are in, it's horrendous! Everything you feel is valid. What I am trying to say to you is put your own mental health first. Put boundaries in place.

Good luck!

Eh?

Hello, recently single parent here too. Husband had an affair and left to be with the OW after wed been together for a couple of decades and some more years.
My daughter started University and staying in University halls in September. She went from being meek and shy to being uber confident and finding herself.
With this confidence came an exaggerated entitled to (not always) speak at me/down to me (mother) with her opinions as though she is the parent. I view it as them finding their feet but I do challenge her when she takes this attitude with me. Don't be afraid yo remind her who is the parent and who is being supported in expanding their future opportunities. I believe they will settle down and level out in the second year and that this will pass.
In regards to sports hobbies, as they are finding their feet in their newly acquired 'xbaby adult' phase, they're pushing their own boundaries whilst discovering a new world. They're wrapped up in freshers, first year, forming new relationships, adapting to new lifestyles, not all will keep to their school day hobbies. They need to spread their wings, learn their own life lessons, make their own mistakes (as much as that pains us), but this will help them become well rounded adults. Our role is to support them through, but make sure they know where the line is when they cross it.
HTH ❤️

You are her Mum But she's not your little girl anymore and you will have to adjust to being the mother of an ADULT who makes her own choices which you don't need to approve of . The behaviour you describe is normal Have a chat about being safe but try not to come over as judgemental so that she knows you will always be there for her whatever happens (although as others have said don't pick up the financial debris ) Her actions have consequences and if she's adult enough to make bad choices she's adult enough to fix them This is a new chapter for her and for you

I think you are right to be worried about the boozing. Drinking is fine, but when it starts to cause you problems , then it isnt.
My dd who also started this september got put in a flat with people who have no interests except boozing. The first few weeks she had a few alcohol related incidents such as a head injury, losing the access key to her accommodation, getting lost in the city on a night out and memory blackouts. Fortunately she pretty soon wised up and has not wanted to drink excessively since,
I would definitely have words about her attitude towards you and remind her that you are funding her and as an adult now you expect better.

That's odd. I stayed in a rented house over the summer and signed on. 2nd year, 1984.

I don't know all of the details of your Life but I was in a similar situation more than a decade ago.
I have more than one child though and went through a divorce and as time went on and my youngest was the last one at home became hostile ,yelling : I'm going to live with Dad!!!!!" ( If knew this is what HE WANTED")
She also threw objects across the room nearly missing me.
She eventually was ' Spirited away' by EX and new wife.
Where I always ,from then on, felt like The Poor Relation in family dynamics and still do. Hardly mixing in family occasions.
My QUESTION to you is: Is someone in your family POISONING her against you. If so : Hand the financial responsibility of her, to THEM.

I can understand and relate as well.Anyways I think it's time to change tactics with her and the best way to do this is to equip yourself with some tools such as gentle communication.I found a book on Amazon titled how to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.As they grow up unfortunately we need to adapt our approach and learn how to negotiate rather than use ultimatum s.Hope this makes sense.

She's testing and trying things to find out who she is not in relation to home and parents. Be patient, don't rise to it, and don't criticise (except rudeness, of course).

Don't give her money beyond essentials. If she wants more money, she needs to work. But otherwise you need to leave her to it, she's an adult. Dropping hobbies and drinking sounds very standard for a fresher.

It’s a rare student who doesn’t cut loose / drink too much / go a bit wild / when they live away from home for the first time. However annoying it was, she won’t be the first or last person to lose a passport.
Giving up sport? So what? She can pick it up again whenever she wants, and if she doesn’t that’s ok. It’s a massive overstretch to imagine her raped or dead. She’s doing what teenagers do. As long as communication is open and she’s respectful when she’s home, there’s nothing unusual here. But what is costing you a fortune? If you think you’re paying for her alcohol consumption it’s your prerogative to stop coughing up.

Hiya Am a grandma to 5 granddaughters,they have had all these problems from there teens onwards,The eldest as been the worst 17 it was a nightmare, staying out, drinking you name it we had it.She tried and tried to explain why,we sat and talked to her tried to make ground rules nothing seemed to work .The only thing we did differently was to make sure she knew she was loved and no matter how she behaved we whould always be there for her.Eventually she dropped bout of college and applied for a receptionist at our local Doctors,she is on apprenticeship now.Earning her own money and loveing her job.She as totally changed,respectful,no longer drinking, saveing for a holiday with her friends.It lasted 2 years and now am glad to have a beautfull granddaughter.It isnt your fault its down to her, she is in a big world now and trying to do everything at once,sit her down ask her why,dont fall out see if you can meet her half way.Most of all tell her you love her and tell her no matter what you will always be there..and help her through her mistakes.xx

She will hopefully get tired of the drunkeness and not have the money to continue to that level? Her coursework will be more difficult if she's spending chunks of her weekends partying then recovering so that could be a wake up call or you could get lucky like I did. My daughter's friend turned out to have a big drink problem and my daughter was horrified to see how she behaved and the aftermath! She reigned in her drinking as a result and tried to get her friend to reach out for professional help.

My dd dropped her sports when she started university but she took them up again when she went into second year. I think that whole freshers thing 'sign up to this, sign up to that' was all a bit much.

I let her crack on with her social life etc. Obviously I don't want her dead in a ditch but she has to make her own decisions now.

I also don't get involved with her finances. We had a 'budget meeting' at the start of the first year before she went where we talked about how much money she had after rent. It wouldn't cross my mind to pay for her passport if she lost it.

Freshers are a pain in the ass. Luckily they run out of money after a term