DS probably dropping out of uni. DH horrified.

[iliketosing]

DS got into an excellent uni, top 3 in the world for his course, or something. Anyway, a degree from here would set him up for life career wise. Except that a degree from an excellent uni is no good to him if he is dead from throwing himself under a train - as I am trying to explain to my DH (sorry I've never posted on mumsnet and am not entirely sure of all the abbreviations.) It's a scandal no-one wants to talk about but one of the reasons he is unhappy is that he is on a corridor with 5 chinese girls who don't speak English and stick together like glue. 1/3 of his uni is Chinese, and most of them don't have the language skills to communicate in English. 1/3 are international - also v cliquey. And 1/3 are British kids who have been consummately unfriendly to say the least. He has always been very shy and possibly, because he is tall and beautiful, seems arrogant and aloof from afar. Inside he's a specky geek. He had a gap year and went off to an organised camp in terror because of his shyness; to his joy and amazement he made friends easily and quickly with about 10 others in the group, all from up North in the UK, and actually fell for a girl from Newcastle. So now he wants to leave the amazing rep Russel group uni (in the South...) and start again next year - at Leeds/Newcastle/up North. I think that if he has made every effort to acclimatise and is still miserable by Xmas then he should leave, incurring less debt than if he stayed the year and then left. And he really is trying - he's exercising regularly, seeing a counsellor, is moving to different accomodation, has joined all kinds of groups. But remains isolated and lonely. I don't know if he should try an antidepressant, I feel sad about thinking this and that perhaps I am medicalising understandable unhappiness. My DH thinks he should stay and be miserable as he is likely to cheer up eventually and will regret forever such an impulsive and crazy move. I wonder if anyone else has been a parent in this situation? I don't feel too upset about it as I started anti-depressants a month ago!! (because of how awful I felt for him.) I feel pretty tefloned now. I wish my DS was too.

Oh God I was your son in my first year at Uni and I have never been unhappier. It was just awful.

Very similar situation - I was in a city which was actually not too far from home but the accommodation was shared rooms and I was with someone I didn't get on with, shared bathrooms, noisy parties, no friends, feeling totally overwhelmed, parents telling me to just get on with it and it was character building. I still don't see how sitting crying through every lecture and tutorial was in any way character building.

The only person who was sympathetic was the academic staff member who was in charge of the Halls where I was staying. He spoke to my parents and made them understand just how bad things were, and managed to arrange for me to move back home for the year and commute. Travelling was a nightmare but better than being in the halls - I coped. Then at the end of my first year I transferred to my home city and was much happier.

Please do not put pressure on your son to stay somewhere that he is truly unhappy. Life is too short and there are always options to transfer, drop out and go back next year. Leeds and Newcastle are hardly "bad" options for Uni education.

How odd that all these foreigners are studying at one of the best universities in Britain and yet are seemingly unable to speak English.

He has to join some clubs. Sports or otherwise.
It sounds like he has been put in an international hall or staircase. He needs to perhaps have a shared room too.
For first term this is normal. Just get him back every other weekend and ask him to speak to his tutor.
Try not to catastrophise with him and see if you can sort out some coping mechanisms.

How long has he been there? Three weeks? A month?

Far too soon for him to decide. But when he decides, it has to be him, not you.

Tell him he needs to be careful not to start to seem flakey though- a gap year, then leaving a university within a few months to start again. He's already going to be 2-3 years older than everyone he is going to be joining in his new choice, so may find the friendship issues happen all over again.

Let him come home if he wants but my worry is he wants to move to be close to his new girlfriend, which might not be the best option. Is he worried about what she up to at uni so far away from him?

Obviously if he is unhappy because he wants to be with her, moves and then they split it's just a life lesson learned so not necessarily reason not to do it. I just think it's worth making sure he is being honest with himself about his motivation so he doesn't makes rash decision. It's early days still after all - both uni and the relationship.

The best thing my parents did was to say that I could be working in a super market for all they cared, the most important thing was that I was that I was happy.

I wasn’t physically well at uni but it took a while to work out what the issue was and I became quite depressed. My parents suggested dropping out or having a year break. Just hearing these things really helped me, knowing I had unconditional support. Incidentally I was at Newcastle, the course wasn’t the issue it was my health - I’ve always loved the city (wasn’t from here) and have remained, built a career, many friends. Its an awesome place to live.

I think your husband needs to pipe down, it's not his life.
I think the Uni option up North sounds much better. Best wishes to him.

Would he have left if it wasn’t for the girl? Sometimes kids can over emphasis the issues as a way to justify what they wish to do. In this instance it could be he just wishes to be closer to her.

What happens if they split up? Will he wish to change again?

Ultimately he’s an adult and he needs to make his own decisions then deal with the results of those decisions.

I’ve also no clue which Russel group uni is predominantly Chinese and international students and only a third British. That seems highly unlikely indeed.

My point it they let me decide and I actually stuck it out.

OP, I signed up just so I could reply to your thread. Don't make him stay. My best friend started at LSE and hated it, for similar reasons you mention. She left around Easter of first year and restarted at Newcastle - the best decision she ever made, she was a different person after the move. Some family members were horrified but her parents were so supportive and I think that helped her a lot - the worst thing your son could be feeling whilst hes feeling so rubbish anyway is that he's letting his dad down. Newcastle/Leeds are still fantastic universities in terms of academic study but also (and I think it is important) have absolutely brill social scenes, so IMO he would have a better overall student experience.

Is he at Oxbridge?

If so all the students there can speak English wherever in the world they come from

Change.
I stuck it out, for no benefit really. It didn't get better.

Why are people trying to guess which university the ds is at? I have a rough idea, given the description but that doesn't help the OP.

The issue may be that overseas students simply feel more comfortable speaking their native language in a social context but can cope perfectly well in academia, most often maths, engineering, sciences etc. It can be isolating for those left out though. Hence why to seek a move. Alternatively he meets it head on and tries to find things in common (such as subject studied) and ask about their background, share food and so on. Has he no friends on the course itself?

This happened to my DS, in the sense that he realised he'd chosen the wrong course and the wrong place once he got there. He raised it with me in the first term, but decided to carry on and give it a good go. After Christmas he decided it definitely wasn't going to work, he reapplied to uni and started in Leeds next September.
Unlike your son, he had made friends and did finish the year, but was adamant it wasn't right for him and although I was worried he was getting a "lesser" degree, he has absolutely flown through uni second time and it has been the making of him. Now graduated and working in a job related to his degree.
It sounds like he's accessing all the help he can, but if it's really not working, IMO he should start again elsewhere.

To the sceptical PP: I am guessing he's somewhere in London and therefore the high number of international students is very likely. I did my Masters at UCL and at least a third of the class was Chinese. There was only one other UK national on my course.
As others have said, it's easy to transfer and you should support him if he wants to do so. He can always go somewhere more 'prestigious ' later.

"It's a scandal no one talks about" that there are 5 Chinese girls who don't speak English on his corridor? Are you for real? Is DS able to leave his corridor and see what the rest of his university/university town has to offer? I mean you're right to worry about his well being but don't blame others for his problems. It could be that a smaller town, smaller uni more representative of Brexit traditional England would be good for him.

My DS is also in his first year at Uni. You have lots of sympathy OP.

Maybe the new accommodation will make the difference he needs - you should advise him to stick it out until Christmas.

However, if he moves to Newcastle, it should be for many reasons not just his girlfriend, because the chances of that relationship lasting for ever are slim. (I can see that's going to be hard for him to accept!)

But it's much better to be happy on a less-highly rated course than miserable on a top one. And he will do much better in life overall is his Uni experience is positive.

He is an adult, as his parents you can advise him, but you must support him whatever his decision is. I think you know that OP but maybe your DH needs to realise this too.

All the best to you all

Here we go with people screaming racist.

Much sympathy to you and your ds. This must be such a stressful time.
The change of accommodation may make a massive difference, so it would be worth not making any 'final' decisions yet. When does he move? Also has your ds tried meeting people outside the university - meetup groups, local sports groups and so on?

As others have said, there are some great universities further north - if your ds is currently where I'm speculating he may be it's true that others would not have the same world reputation, but that is not the only thing that matters. I think as dparents we can sometimes think our dc should go to the highest flying university possible - but sometimes that isn't actually the best place for that particular person.

Whyu do posters try to play this pathetic guessing game? Is it LSE? Is it Oxford? Is it Bristol?

It doesn't FUCKING MATTER what University it is as that does not change the matter that the OP is concerned about her son, who is not settling in and is desperately unhappy.

I’m guessing because I like to

Actually I was going to say that I know people who have taken longer to settle at Oxbridge, so offer some reassurance.

But then I’ve had another guess and have picked LSE.

If it’s there, yes he has very good career prospects for certain degrees but not enough to put up with 3 years of misery - is anything worth that?

If he’s only moving for his gf that’s a bad idea, but if he wants to move even if they were to split up, then I would fully support him

One of my children went to a university which also has a huge Chinese contingent, and he was in the same position as your son: on his floor at student halls, he was the only person who wasn't Chinese, and they all talked in Chinese to each other and ignored him, so he found he couldn't socialise much.

He worked out that other floors had a higher concentration of English-speakers, so he started using the kitchens on those other floors; he went out of his way to participate in the events organised by the halls supervisors, so he met lots of friends, too.

He's now in his final year and in a flat share with three people he met while in halls. One of them is one of the Chinese people who wouldn't talk to him! They all get on well now.

If I were your son I'd try to stick it out to the end of this term; I'd look at other ways to socialise; I'd consider joining societies and groups (there are usually loads of them at uni). It takes a while but it is possible to make friends. But don't let him feel bullied into it by your husband, who should take your son's mental health seriously.

I hope he finds his place there.

I was also thinking someplace in London - Imperial and UCL both have those kinds of mixes. And the Chinese crew can be extremely insular - yes, they can usually speak English well enough to do the course but most of them will absolutely not socialise outside of their circle. They can also be very difficult to engage in tutorials/group work.

The plus side to being someplace like a London uni is that his tribe is there somewhere, but he does need to look for it. Second joining clubs or trying to move halls (or even move rooms in his current hall). I’d stick it out until Christmas, but yes, life’s too short to be miserable. Especially if it is a tough course - courses at Imperial/Oxbridge are hard enough if you are struggling outside of the course too.