DS probably dropping out of uni. DH horrified.

[iliketosing]

DS got into an excellent uni, top 3 in the world for his course, or something. Anyway, a degree from here would set him up for life career wise. Except that a degree from an excellent uni is no good to him if he is dead from throwing himself under a train - as I am trying to explain to my DH (sorry I've never posted on mumsnet and am not entirely sure of all the abbreviations.) It's a scandal no-one wants to talk about but one of the reasons he is unhappy is that he is on a corridor with 5 chinese girls who don't speak English and stick together like glue. 1/3 of his uni is Chinese, and most of them don't have the language skills to communicate in English. 1/3 are international - also v cliquey. And 1/3 are British kids who have been consummately unfriendly to say the least. He has always been very shy and possibly, because he is tall and beautiful, seems arrogant and aloof from afar. Inside he's a specky geek. He had a gap year and went off to an organised camp in terror because of his shyness; to his joy and amazement he made friends easily and quickly with about 10 others in the group, all from up North in the UK, and actually fell for a girl from Newcastle. So now he wants to leave the amazing rep Russel group uni (in the South...) and start again next year - at Leeds/Newcastle/up North. I think that if he has made every effort to acclimatise and is still miserable by Xmas then he should leave, incurring less debt than if he stayed the year and then left. And he really is trying - he's exercising regularly, seeing a counsellor, is moving to different accomodation, has joined all kinds of groups. But remains isolated and lonely. I don't know if he should try an antidepressant, I feel sad about thinking this and that perhaps I am medicalising understandable unhappiness. My DH thinks he should stay and be miserable as he is likely to cheer up eventually and will regret forever such an impulsive and crazy move. I wonder if anyone else has been a parent in this situation? I don't feel too upset about it as I started anti-depressants a month ago!! (because of how awful I felt for him.) I feel pretty tefloned now. I wish my DS was too.

Using foul language and resorting to silly victim Top Trumps is exasperating and bandying about the term "casual racism" to try to shut down any discussion is pathetic.

No, it's racism. Time after time people use international students as a scapegoat to try and justify why their child isn't enjoying university.

This is pretty much the same situation my daughter was in last year at Southampton. She was in halls with some very overly privileged girls who were dreadful to her. They left her out of things and ignored her. She was miserable and 10 weeks in, came home having lost masses of weight (she’s skinny anyway) and suffering from anxiety. I wished she’s come home sooner tbh. She’s now having counselling and takes Beta Blockers as has chronic social anxiety. She’s planning on going somewhere nearer home in the midlands from September 2018 as wasn’t ready to face it again this year. She’s working full time so that’s helped. My advice would be to follow your heart. If he’s struggling and there aren’t any options, get him home and start again next year. He can earn a bit of cash in the meantime and they learn lots in the ‘real’ world. Hope it all works out.

Lady The phenomenon of the spoilt (only child) Princeling is one that is well known and lampooned in China, and I have seen teenage children who cannot even brush their own hair being waited on hand and foot by helpers in Hong Kong. However that is not every Chinese student, my DDs both have Chinese friends who are both gregarious and shy, wealthy and definitely not (arrived with one suitcase and did not leave until after finals with the same suitcase, his widowed mother had spent every last penny sending him to the UK, 3 Christmas's alone in a student house must have been a particularly sad and lonely experience).

The previous poster has highlighted that wealthy British students can be entitled and with a particular skill set of exclusion which is facilitated by universities letting them colonise certain halls. I would suggest that their banter and antics in halls and sports clubs are a far greater threat to other students wellbeing than any group of Chinese students. My DDs dismiss them as "rahs", have no respect for their illusions of superiority and know to avoid but many students will not be as streetwise and able to spot those who derive status from cliques and excluding .....

Twas always thus.

There were Sloanes in my hall in the 80s. In fact at first they mistook me for a kindred spirit and a couple of girls invited me to tea. It later reached my ears that I had been found wanting - I had not been to private school and was not rich - I was in receipt of a full grant! (Them were the days...)

But in just the same way any group of students - and later on workmates - and then later on school-gate mums - can get into little groups and leave out others. Of course much of the time it is unintentional, but some people can almost "smell" loneliness and not let the afflicted join the herd.

In the case of OP's ds it's just bad luck really that he's in a situation where the majority of people speak another language amongst themselves. You can't stop people cleaving to the familiar. Before throwing in the towel I would tell the accommodation people or whoever and beg to move.

Haven’t read the whole thread OP but would suggest if he is at a prestigious UNI age could easily transfer to another Uni providing he still enjoys the course and the course is pretty similar? If that’s the case he can ask the UNi he fancies whether they have spaces available on his chosen course, what year he could transfer into etc. If he explains his previous study they should have a Student Money Advice Service who can advise on the Money side of things.
Although love can be relatively short lived so I maybe wouldn’t transfer to the nearest University to this girl as he could be equally as unhappy there if they fall out and she is the only reason he transferred there.

"But in just the same way any group of students - and later on workmates - and then later on school-gate mums - can get into little groups and leave out others. Of course much of the time it is unintentional, but some people can almost "smell" loneliness and not let the afflicted join the herd."

Second sentence extremely perceptive (if I may say so?)! Hmm, so how can the lonely, or even not particularly lonely but just non socially gregarious alpha bods, be helped to make friends? One problem is that some of the students who would be their 'natural friends' ie who are also less gregarious, will have got into a group and be clinging on to it for dear life, so will not be going to welcome interlopers. Eek!

I am beginning to think the whole emphasis on university as social heaven is a) misleading (well, we always knew that!) and b) setting a minority of students up to feel like failures. Something to be said for the European way where it is really a bit more like going to work - university isn't intended to be what (sic) you live. (As far as I can tell, no actual experience of course!)

Meanwhile, I think it really really helps to have an interest or activity that you love; and to be genuinely interested in studying the subject you've chosen. Sounds obvious, but may get lost sometimes.

ok keep in mind that the majority of students are absolutely fine.

They're enjoying their independence, their new life, their course. They're not expecting perfection and are being as flexible as they can.

Their mothers are not posting much about it on MN .

However, there is a minority of students who are not happy and thriving. And they should not suffer in silence. Where possible they should be helped to resolve problems.

However there will be some unresolvable issues. And some students may feel it best to drop out. They shouldn't be made to feel a failure.

One caution though. On starting afresh elsewhere: be realistic. Communal living can be tough. Some people, especially those with social anxiety may not not it in any university.

Thanks Carl, that is reassuring! And yes I think 'don't expect perfection' is a very good mantra.
In some ways I think it may be harder socially than at school, living in halls - as you are even more on top of each other. (And quite often students in a flat are doing the same courses).