Struggling with trans friend

[Llamallamadingdong]

I have a friend (male) who has decided that they are actually female.

They’ve felt this way for many years now and confided in me and have not told anyone else. Recently had their first gender clinic appointment and have been told that the clinic will not help until they have at least tried to present as female (so far they have messed about with some clothes and makeup alone at home but never gone out in public)

Anyway they recently approached me and asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.

The problem is I just can’t do it. Fundamentally I don’t truly believe that we can change sex and I feel like I’m supporting a weird fantasy. Not sure what I want from this thread, I seem to be the only GC person in my friendship group and I feel like I’m a horrible person for potentially denying someone something they really want.

I think the only thing you can do is explain that it’s not personal but you’re not comfortable with that, but that other friends might be able to help.

If you want to remain friends (assuming you do), maybe explain that you love them for them, male or female, but would prefer if someone else supported their transition plans.

God, that's a tricky one! I'd feel just like you do in that situation. Sounds cowardly, but I think I'd just have to make excuses and put him off nicely. Maybe he will adk someone else if you don't seem too keen.

Say neutrally, “I have no idea how clothes will help you present as female,” and then sit quietly and wait for him to explain.

I wouldn't be engaging with this OP. I'd recommend that he seeks professional help. He can decide for himself if you mean a personal shopper or a psychiatrist. Don't become a part of the delusion that men can become women,.

He is involving you in a sexual fetish. I suggest you end this friendship

Hell no to that. My trans friend asked me to go 'girly shopping' once. Hell no with knobs on (literally).

I'd be very boring, be busy and quietly back away slowly. Don't give him reason to get angry.

If he genuinely feels that he is a woman then he needs to tell the clinic that make up and frocks do not make a woman and it is instead something inside of him. If he can't do that then I'd suggest he's just getting kicks out wearing fishnets in his bedroom and is trying to get you involved.

I am sure you are not the only person is the group who is aware sex is immutable. Everyone is, some have chosen to pretend it isn’t.

He/she’s an adult. They are quite capable of shopping independently.

To me this does have a feel of a fetish, getting a kick out of being ‘all girly and giggly’ as you both try on lipstick at the make-up counter. Like that’s a woman’s predetermined drive.

Or go and recommend good old comfy utilitarian clothes like 🤔 trainers, jeans, tee-shirt and hoodie. See how the arse drops out of that little girly shopping trip.

Thanks for all your replies- I really appreciate it. I keep sort of kicking it down the road and saying maybe sometime when I’m less busy (have a lot going on at the moment) but he gets quite angry with me for this. I either get texts guilting me or making passive aggressive comments.

Fuck that coercive blackmail. Women are capable of shopping independently and making independent decisions.

This would be the time when the friendship ended I’m afraid.

I would go along with this advice I think. That way it avoids potential drama and offence. I had to take this path with a friend of mine who feels the same way, he asked me if when we next meet, should he wear drag? It makes me feel queasy tbh, so I said no and just explained I wouldn't be comfortable with it. He took it quite well.

Well then fuck the lipstick. Tell him he really needs to stop acting like an angry entitled man before he worries about blusher.

But then I'm sure you understand that🤔

Run for the hills, this is a massive red flag, as is thinking clothes and make up is what makes someone a woman.

I suspect this is the safest way forward.

That's abuse and I wouldn't stand for it in a friendship. Leave him, he will find other friends.

I’d honestly not be sure how I’d react either to be honest and I’m a huge supporter of LGBTQ community as I’m a firm believer love is love. However I do not have anyone close to me that’s trans or presents as trans. Don’t get me wrong I’m a firm believer in aslong as the persons a decent person a good human being then who the hell am I to judge or care what your gender or sexuality is, it’s none of my business BUT how would I feel if a male friend who was transitioning asked me to do that hmmmm it’s difficult. Of course I’d be supportive of their transition etc but would I wanna do that perhaps not. Don’t get me wrong if they were presenting as female and wanted to go for dinner or go out I’d do it that doesn’t bother me. Do you thing this is genuine or if it’s just curiosity or do they maybe just wanna try wearing ladies clothing/make up? Plenty men wear make up and dress more feminine these days (dress better than me) xxx

If you are the only GC person in your friendship group he seems ti have picked you deliberately as the person to help him. Trying to cause an argument or get one over you in some way.

The thing is lots of women wear mainly jeans, tops, hoodies etc & not all women dress up in heels & dresses. So for me going shopping might involve looking for some new adidas trainers or jeans. So hardly girly. I think you just need to get them to find someone else. It sounds like they’re making sarcastic comments & are unhappy you’re not playing ball.

Most trans people don’t think they can change sec either (though I’m sure there are some who do believe they can).

Now that is out of order of him, being abusive

Surely there’s two things here:

1. Your friend thinking that they actually are a woman
2. Your friend wanting you to go shopping with them for clothes and make-up

You could do the latter without agreeing with the former. Or even vice versa. It seems like you want to do neither, which is fine but it might be helpful to your friend to acknowledge that there are two issues not one.