Struggling with trans friend

[Llamallamadingdong]

I have a friend (male) who has decided that they are actually female.

They’ve felt this way for many years now and confided in me and have not told anyone else. Recently had their first gender clinic appointment and have been told that the clinic will not help until they have at least tried to present as female (so far they have messed about with some clothes and makeup alone at home but never gone out in public)

Anyway they recently approached me and asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.

The problem is I just can’t do it. Fundamentally I don’t truly believe that we can change sex and I feel like I’m supporting a weird fantasy. Not sure what I want from this thread, I seem to be the only GC person in my friendship group and I feel like I’m a horrible person for potentially denying someone something they really want.

He’s put you in an impossible situation if his anger scares you. That’s understandable because he is still a man even if he thinks he won’t be at some point. If you are scared, keep a record of his texts as you would any other man who is angry and coercive. Then block and ghost him.

If you aren’t scared tell him you are helping him massively in another way. You are teaching him that women are much more diverse than the limited stereotype view he has. Many don’t enjoy shopping days with their gal pals 🙄. Most find a style that suits them independently. And women, do not like being pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.

You’d think as he’s always known he should be a woman, he’d have given some thought over all these years to what he will wear. Introduce him to the wonders of the internet if he’s uncomfortable going to clothes shops. Tell him to get his colours done and maybe get a stylist.

As he has many other friends who support his transition and might be happy to go shopping with him, it seems strange that he is focusing on you and getting angry at your reluctance. That rings alarm bells for me. I suspect going forward he is going to be a real ball ache about the whole thing.

What struck me about the request was an adult being incapable of selecting clothes for themself. Not sure why buying a top and bottom is so difficult and why assume op has an expertise in hair and make-up. Nothing complicated in putting on mascara and a bit of lippy.

funny how he hasnt asked one of his other friends

Surely if he desperately wanted to be a woman, he’d of done this all off his own back? Pretty creepy he’s forcing this on you. I would back away quitely & not see him again if he’s getting angry. To dangerous.

Just because someone wants you to do something does not mean you have to do it. Just say no.

He gets angry with you?

Fuck that shit. So he's getting angry with a woman when she doesn't do something that he wants her to do even though he's being unreasonable? He sounds like a man alright. That's proof right there that you can't change your sex.

Good grief. He's an adult, not a 5-year-old who needs help from mummy to be able to shop for matching clothes. Many of us navigated shopping, make-up, and hairstyles as a young woman without much dedicated assistance. Unless styling is your career, why ask you for help with this? I'd wonder if he was doing this to try to force you to take an active role in supporting his fantasy because he knows or suspects that you aren't comfortable with it. I'd probably let this friendship fade. It won't get any easier.

Well your friendship is effectively over anyway so just say no. You'll never be able to continue if you are GC.

This. I am sorry to be so brutal, but it doesn't really matter what it is you're being asked to do, if you can't or don't want to do it for any reason, that's your call. You can still be a loving and supportive friend.

Years ago I had a most unfortunate incident where part of my back garden was destroyed. It would have cost thousands of pounds to have it cleared professionally, but several of my friends rallied together to help spend an afternoon working with me & mine to clear the carnage. That is what friends are for. One friend I mentioned it to made it perfectly clear she wouldn't be prepared to assist in any way. I respected that completely. We'd helped each other in other ways before, and continued to do so afterwards. Heavy-duty garden clearance was simply not on her bucket list.

A good friend will understand and respect your boundaries.

The "denying them what they really want" part of your post is a bit of a worry - he can't have what he says he wants in terms of being a woman. That's not your doing. If what he otherwise "really wants" is an outfit and some makeup you really aren't the obstacle. You aren't blocking his dreams - has he said that about you denying him?

He just needs a tape measure to get an idea of his dress size and then to buy some clothes he likes the look of and try them on to see how they look. Like women do. But not in the women's changing room. You know he doesn't need you for that, he doesn't even need to leave the house to do it.

I've got plenty of friends who have multiple different interests and pursuits from me.

A friend doesn't have to be a clone of you; you just need to respect each other and never try to coerce them into doing something that you want to do but they don't.

I think that makes sense but if at the end of the day, for whatever reasons, OP does not want to do it then that is a valid choice.

If that is his attitude then I doubt it is going to work out

I don't know. I'm GC, and have a trans friend who likes to present as a woman. We are friends but I don't really engage with him on that part of his life. It's not a super close friendship, but we manage. But then he respects my boundaries and time, it sounds like OP's friend doesn't respect hers. She is well rid.

There’s a huge difference between having different interests, and not accepting someone for who they are.

Your friend is mentally hateful of himself hence his desire to be someone else. For whatever reason his fantasy version is to be “a woooman”. He needs support because we all handle our own mental health and self esteem issues differently and often not well. Drinks, drugs, sex, hair makeovers, clothes shake ups and shopping addictions, self harm, name changes, fake tanning, exercising, eating disorders, identity changes, and full on ‘sex’ changes.

If he is not hurtful to you. If he doesn’t drain you. If he is a nice person you enjoy spending time with then id just support him in the same way you would a friend in any other tough spot. You don’t have to put yourself and womankind second though - you can say you don’t believe he had the wrong brain inserted in the wrong body. Because it’s just not true. Just like you wouldn’t keep buying your drug addicted friend drugs to appease them or getting your mate vouchers to the tanning booth that she uses 3 times a week and is giving her skin cancer. The same way you wouldn’t smile and say you think the fresh self harm wounds look lovely and encourage them to keep going. But you also wouldn’t shout at the person and call them a fool and be mean. He can wear dresses and “present” like us (I say wearing jeans, a shirt and boxers?) even if he isn’t pretending to be female, men can wear dresses - he wants to not be him though, hence why he wants to do more than just be him in a dress.

but you don’t have to go along with it and say you think it’s true as far as trans women are women - because they’re not. Otherwise they wouldn’t need to ‘transition’z

I agree with the post by SprayWhiteDung · Today 22:55. Think of the mechanics of this request - you will end up being asked to take a man into the women's changing room, take him to the Ladies' loo.
Don't get involved.

Tell him to go online shopping. Follow some stylists/instagrammers/content creators online. There’s so much available online he literally does not need your help.

Accept that this man is actually a woman on the inside.
Hmmm.

What are women like on the inside?

I get this and believe me I know a huge amount about self harm and self hatred, but the OP still can say she doesn't feel comfortable clothes shopping with him. That's fine. She isn't a therapist. I'm sure this friend can ask for support from the trans community or his other friends or family members. I just think it's fine for her to put her own mental health first, we all need to take care of our mental health as we all struggle sometimes.

Of course you're right. He can't be ome a woman. If he's felt this way for years it seems bizarre he hasn't experimented with clothing and make up before.

I am GC and would not support a man using the women's toilets or changing rooms.

I feel sorry for him if he really believes some clothes and make up to get a gender clinic to agree he's committed enough makes him a woman, or "transitioning" to be one.

Don't feel guilty for not helping him shop. I don't "do" clothes shopping either and have seen interviews where they ask a trans person what it means to be a woman- they never have a clue. But it certainly isnt their clothing.

I think you need to decide which is more important to you , your friends feelings or your own

You need to be honest and say you don't feel comfortable and suggest he finds a different friend

As with so many things "trans" this is really not about being trans, but about being male, entitled, controlling, self-absorbed/self-centred and/or fetishistic, and that's what you're struggling with. The trans aspect is what has been successfully sold to so many people, especially women and lefties, as something we must support and be kind about - and so you struggle when you're trying to do that and suppressing your perfectly reasonable feelings about being pushed around and put under pressure. The same effect serves to legitimise this behaviour from him and makes him think he can demand whatever he wants. That's not being a good friend, on his part, so you don't owe him this at all.

IMO this bloke has selected you as his helpmeet and ally to serve his needs. Whether it's a fetish and he'll get off on you helping him choose dresses and do make-up, or he genuinely has a dysphoria problem and feels that he needs a woman's help, it's all about him and him thinking he can demand this and you don't get to say no. That entitlement and pushiness in itself would mean that it would be a big fat no from me. "Trans" doesn't mean you get to order your friends around and guilt-trip them.

They may feel very vulnerable, and any rejection may really hit deep. So be very aware if you do decline their request.

Friends don't do this.

You aren't friends.

This means you have no obligation to him.