Struggling with trans friend

[Llamallamadingdong]

I have a friend (male) who has decided that they are actually female.

They’ve felt this way for many years now and confided in me and have not told anyone else. Recently had their first gender clinic appointment and have been told that the clinic will not help until they have at least tried to present as female (so far they have messed about with some clothes and makeup alone at home but never gone out in public)

Anyway they recently approached me and asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.

The problem is I just can’t do it. Fundamentally I don’t truly believe that we can change sex and I feel like I’m supporting a weird fantasy. Not sure what I want from this thread, I seem to be the only GC person in my friendship group and I feel like I’m a horrible person for potentially denying someone something they really want.

treat if as similar to a friend wanting you to cut their hair …. And you have no idea how. The stakes are too high.

Just say, I’d be out if my depth and too worried to make a mistake … I just can’t. I don’t know how. Really sorry, can’t.

and then be really busy.

Don't do it. When a friend of ours came out as trans I was quite happily chatting clothes and makeup etc. with him. Up until he confessed to DH after a few too many drinks that it gave him a boner when women talked about clothes and makeup with him. 🤮

I would take him out and get him a pair of very baggy wide legged jeans and a massive oversized hoodie. If he complains that it's not 'girly' point out every single 'girl' on the high street wearing similar.

In terms of make up I'd just say that most women are too busy carrying the mental load to bother.

You need to end the friendship because you are no friend to her at all. I will never understand mumsnet obsession with belittling trans people and trying to sexualize their struggles.

He is not your friend

You are completely arse over tit I’m afraid. He is no friend of the OP, he is an angry little man by the sound of it.

Abusive and sarky messages. Sod that for a laugh. What is that saying about getting the measure of a man when you tell him no.

And that’s fine. Most people do understand it.

Or you could have just said #bekind - the bastion of answers that shuts women up for daring to have, and voicing, an opinion.

Your post is the reason so many women are people pleasers - because we get hate-filled abuse and name calling hurled at us if we dare to admit to feeling uncomfortable

Don’t do something you’re uncomfortable with OP, I wouldn’t do it. Your friend has the right to ask, you have the right to say no 🤷‍♀️ He just has to accept that most people won’t see him as a woman, I know I wouldn’t.

Evidence, please.

Presumably if they wanted a fetishised version of an outfit they would have just gone with what they see online. It sounds like they are asking their friend for some moral support and to help find something ‘normal,’ maybe even comfy hence asking the op.

Only op knows if her friend is a delusional pervert out for kicks or someone she has cared about over the years asking for support.

It’s fine to be gender critical imo and to feel uncomfortable and decline to help but I think it’s a bit unfair for op to throw this friend under the bus on here by letting people make assumptions about what kind of person they are.

Assuming all people who identify as trans are deviant or mentally ill is offensive. (Just as it was offensive to treat queer people this way in the past and in parts of the world) It’s possible to disagree with others but to treat each other with respect. (I think trans people should respect gc women too)

If someone gets angry or passive-aggressive when you say no then they are showing you who they are, and you need to believe them.

I know this can be easier said than done, but from experience, it gets easier the more you practise saying no!

If you don't want to address your discomfort with the idea of helping him to transition, at this stage you can just say you don't want deal with his anger or frustration with you, and you don;t want to talk about it any more. Wish him the best but say you don't want to discuss it again.

It's not about their gender identity it's about boundaries . The OP feels uncomfortable and is saying no. That's not belittling. No real friend would want their friend to be unhappy being asked to do something, they would understand and accept that with no guilt trips.

I wouldn’t want to get involved in this either. I’d have an easy ‘out’ because I hate shopping and am not interested in fashion or beauty (and my friends all know this) so it would be easy for me to excuse myself from those kinds of activities.

And then I would probably try to cool the friendship because I would feel insulted if my friend thought womanhood was a costume to wear. It would be a fundamental and significant difference of opinion that I probably couldn’t get past.

This is your get out of jail free card.

"I really don't appreciate being spoken to like that. You'll have to ask someone else to take you shopping."

I completely agree with you. The T is not a sexuality at all. It’s hard to say anything without offending people these days though isn’t it.

Bloody gender clinics. I'd say I have absolutely no idea what living as a woman means outside of dated gender stereotypes so there's probably someone better placed to help. It wouldn't change our friendship unless they reacted badly.

*Him.

Trans people, or entitled angry men who the OP’s ‘friend’ has proved himself to be with his subsequent messages?

Honestly the people who fall over themselves to defend men, any men, for uttering the mere words ‘I’m a woman’ defies all logic and sense. So open minded brains start falling out.

I seem to be the only GC person in my friendship group

And this is why he's specifically asked you: to forcibly mould you into validating and even defending him as a 'woman'. I'd say it's largely about the 'thrill of the chase' in coercing you as a non-believer to submit to him and his desires.

If he is challenged/stopped from using the women's changing rooms, he will look to you to defend him and insist, as angrily as he does, that he must be allowed to go in there with you. Same with when he wants to use women's toilets. "Look, my good friend here knows very well that I AM a woman, don't you, Llama; so what on earth is your problem?

If he truly believes that he is female, and has been for a long time, why ever would he need to ask an actual woman to go clothes shopping with him to help him dress 'as a woman'? Doesn't he believe in 'female intuition' (along with the other stereotypes) - which he could thus surely use to work out his own feminine style? What does he think that actual women do when they want to buy clothes that suit them as a woman?

A friend would pressure and guilt you into doing things you clearly don't want to. He will have noted the lack of enthusiasm on your part and avoidance. He should just ask another friend.

I don't see how the friendship will hold up long term, if he's expecting you to participate in something fundamental that you don't believe in. It's only going to work for him if everyone plays along and you don't want to. And no reason why you should. Respect your boundaries OP, it's fine not to humour him or join in.

I expect he thinks after you’ve picked out clothes and done his make up you’ll have a pillow fight and gossip about boys. Like fuck would I be involving myself with his fetish, if he can’t even get up the courage to pop a blouse and a bit of lippy on to go to the gender clinic I think we can safely assume he’s not that committed to the idea.

Ultimately, you need to accept that the friendship is over. You don’t support your friend in the life they are choosing. Time to move on and let them live their life surrounded by those people who DO support them.

With social media he has all the resources he needs to get that information. Loads of clothes and make up tutorials etc. personally I hate clothes shopping with other people at the best of times so I’d be opting out.

Id tell him I don't like shopping and barely manage to do it for myself. I also only shop online anyway. Which would be the truth.