Struggling with trans friend

[Llamallamadingdong]

I have a friend (male) who has decided that they are actually female.

They’ve felt this way for many years now and confided in me and have not told anyone else. Recently had their first gender clinic appointment and have been told that the clinic will not help until they have at least tried to present as female (so far they have messed about with some clothes and makeup alone at home but never gone out in public)

Anyway they recently approached me and asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.

The problem is I just can’t do it. Fundamentally I don’t truly believe that we can change sex and I feel like I’m supporting a weird fantasy. Not sure what I want from this thread, I seem to be the only GC person in my friendship group and I feel like I’m a horrible person for potentially denying someone something they really want.

Its called emotional support for a friend in need, when they've had to courage to live how they feel comfortable, despite comments from people like you.

I know you all don't have malls like we have here in the US, but I know you have department stores. I'm sure there are any number of department stores that offer personal shoppers who would be happy to help him pick out some outfits. It's usually a free service.

And if he needs help with makeup he can get a makeover at Sephora just like any of the rest of us can do.

Kindly suggest they attend counselling

Thanks for the compliment.

What does the "full process" involve then? Since not very many trans women actually have surgery on their lower body, are you thinking of hormone treatment?

The comments on here are absolutely shocking. When I see/watch anything about how gay people used to be treated (and at times still are) it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

In years to come this will be the same for trans people, but you'll all be part of the reason people watch it disgusted.

What impact does someone being gay have on the rights of other people? Nothing at all.
Being trans doesn't have to impact on other people's rights, but when there's an insistence you go along with beliefs you know are not real, and people take away women's rights to their own boundaries, that clearly goes against someone else's rights. Do you really not see a difference?
Look at how the friend of the OP is trying to ignore her boundaries.

OMG. Getting angry with you and then trying to guilt you into doing way the wants. Show me you are male whilst telling me you are a woman.

Seriously OP, can you imagine a woman friend putting you in this position. It's horrible - there is definitely an element of Dolly dress up fatansy about it. It smacks of fetishism. There are a zillion and one make up tutorial reels, along with styling for all shapes and sizes - why does he need to ask you?

OP if you are not comfortable with this then that's fine and you just have to tell your friend exactly that as it is a big ask.
I would not have an issue with it and don't understand why this would be seen as a sexual fetish as some posters have stated.
Being transgender isn't a sexual fetish it is a state of mind and body.
Your friend is going to need a lot of support, only you know if this is support you can provide and if it isn't better to say so now.

@Loki64 The issue is not transitioning. Agree it can feel a huge upheaval. But I would be reluctant to state an opinion not having had the same lived experience.

The issue is the reductive nature of wanting to do the shopping trip. As pp have suggested - shop on line if in person shopping feels challenging. Engage with peer group who have overcome similar hurdles, such as making the first entry into the social presenting as the real self.

A female cannot understand the nuance or challenges a trans woman or, male for trans male experience. I understand seeking support from a peer group who understands and can help navigate the challenges authentically more affirming.

She hasnt stated her boundaries. She agreed. And keeps brushing it off. If she doesnt want to She actually has to communicate that.
You're incorrect there, you THINK they are not real. Because you're completely ignorant to other peoples experiences.
People living how they want to live has no impact on you, you're making it have an impact because it makes you feel uncomfortable to put yourself in someone else's situation.

@Loki64
Disgusted? I don't think so. No one cares or minds if someone is gay. Being gay is completely different.

I do mind if someone tries to convince me that something I know to be not factually correct, not biologically possible, is correct. You can't MAKE people agree with you that people can change sex, because we all know they can't.

Helping a male learn to do make up, hair and clothing is so icky. You just know he's an autogynephile who will be sexually titillated at this enforced "girly bonding".

There's also something so pathetically incompetent about a man who needs help with this. Plenty of men wear make up. Also, youtube exists.

There's a lot of comments here, and I hope that you can find something where you can be true to yourself.

Be honest. Be true to yourself. Tell the truth, you don't believe people can change sex, say that to him.

He is a man. No matter what clothes he puts on or make up he wears, he will remain a man. If he puts a wig on and a dress, he is a man in a dress and a wig.

No man can understand or feel what it is to be a woman. And no woman can feel or understand what it is to be a man. I know for a certain fact that no man has ever felt or experienced life growing up as a female. If he were really a friend he would accept that you feel how you feel.

Wow. At first it seemed obnoxious and annoying. Now, frankly, I’m scared for you. Do whatever you can to carefully back out of this friendship as angry demanding delusional men are dangerous.

Getting angry at female friends with plans is, ironically, not stereotypical girl behavior.

Of one of my female friends wanted me to help her pick clothes and do her makeup I'd be moving to France. Why do men think women do this???

I would just say no and I'd explain I thought sex is immutable because I'm not going to deny reality.

Wow, so much ignorance on here, stated so emphatically.

Please keep in mind that what you "think" of something based on having no KNOWLEDGE about that topic is nothing at all. The only correct and accurate thing for you to say on the topic is "I don't know." Because you do not. How you imagine things are is absolutely nothing. Being able to say a little platitude or cliche or derp, derp this is how things ARE (again, based only how things look o you with your lack of any education at all about the topic) is not knowledge, either. It's you being too stupid to know you're stupid, that's all.

If you knew any trans people well, read about trans issues, speak to or read things by people who ARE highly educated on the topic, and so on, THEN and only then can you claim to know a thing about it.

Again, foolish opinions you made up yourself or think are obvious because you don't know anything, those are not knowledge. Smarten up and stop enjoying smugly and stupidly crapping on people who suffer issues you're LUCKY enough not to have. It's not a good look.

Peaches, as you presume to be smarter than us dumb women, care to enlighten us as to what we don’t know? Specifics are helpful.

I’m shocked at the replies, would none of previous posters help friends who need assistance? Ffs they ate only asking for advice with clothing & make up!
If you don’t feel comfortable use your words but I definitely would help any friend… male, female, trans or green alien! It’s just normal to offer help when asked by a friend & as female we have a lifetime of make up & clothes whereas this poor soul doesn’t. Shame on you all.

Op is wrong to be dishonest with her trans-identifying male friend. She doesn't have to hide her GC views - shared by the vast majority of the human species- and yet feels so much social pressure that she does. She allowed the situation where the friend 'confided' in her and now baulks at telling him her real feelings and boundaries.

As for the ones castigating others on this thread for not being human support animals for men with special identities, kindly fuck off. Anyone is allowed to say NO clearly to their boundary infringement.

Very much disagree with this, I 100% believe that in years to come people are going to be disgusted that people fed into these delusions and wokeness. There's no doubt in my mind of that at all.
It is completely different than being gay.

Shame on you for totally ignoring the context of the situation and making out that this is just someone asking for advice with clothing and make up, and then acting so superior.

This is a man, telling the OP he wants to transition to be a woman, and is planning to do so but first needs to try to present as female and wants the OP to help him with that. The OP is GC and helping with that is not in line with her beliefs. I wouldn't help someone on a path to mutilate their body either, I'd help him to get mental health support though if he was willing.

It's not like being gay.

This is a myth to beat people with.

I'm so sick of repeating this. It's deeply ignorant and offensive to suggest it is.

I note all the scolders out after midnight UK time...

Then a true friend should also accept that OP (who hasn't said anything about it being "a fetish", that was other posters) doesn't believe people can change sex. And may feel uncomfortable going along with the idea that makeup and clothes are part of a process essential to being considered a woman, because that's actually pretty sexist and what feminism has been fighting against for years. Friends can have boundaries and different opinions and beliefs. You don't have to go to mass with a Catholic to be a good friend to them.

And we have bingo.

"If you knew any trans people"

You know what. Many of us do. We understand the issues perfectly. That is part of the point.

The number of times this line is trotted out by ignorant people who have not the faintest idea but are desperate to virtue signal is appalling.

Demanding the compliance of a woman by a man is not ok. It is ok for a woman to say no to being his support human if she does not feel comfortable. It does not matter what it is for. She is ALWAYS permitted to say no, and we should respect this.

It is not her responsibility nor her emotional labour to carry to internal feelings of a man, even a man in distress.

She is allowed her own thoughts and feelings. She is not a 'bad person' for not saying no. If she does not want to uphold a lie she can not unsee or feels is disrespectful to women, that is fine.

The attempts here to guilt trip are appalling. It's abusive.

The issue that crops up time and time again is one of boundaries - and overstepping boundaries. The lack of respect for women is off the scale.

Behaviour that demands a woman complies is not acceptable - either from a trans identifying individual or someone who claims to be an ally.

No is an acceptable answer. Anyone who says differently shows up who they are - and it's not kind.

Don’t be silly.

Trans rights are very homophobic - trans "medical care" is 99% attempted conversion therapy for gay people;

Trans rights are nothing to do with gay rights - no civil rights movement seeks to take rights away from other people and give a protected group of people additional rights to everyone else.