Struggling with trans friend

[Llamallamadingdong]

I have a friend (male) who has decided that they are actually female.

They’ve felt this way for many years now and confided in me and have not told anyone else. Recently had their first gender clinic appointment and have been told that the clinic will not help until they have at least tried to present as female (so far they have messed about with some clothes and makeup alone at home but never gone out in public)

Anyway they recently approached me and asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.

The problem is I just can’t do it. Fundamentally I don’t truly believe that we can change sex and I feel like I’m supporting a weird fantasy. Not sure what I want from this thread, I seem to be the only GC person in my friendship group and I feel like I’m a horrible person for potentially denying someone something they really want.

If he’s comfortable doing this I would reconsider the friendship altogether. You don’t exist just as a prop for his transition, there are many other services he could reach out to, including styling services.

You’re his friend so only you can tell us if you think he’s genuine or not, but if not I’d steer well clear of the whole situation because nothing you do will make them happy. Realistically, do you think he’ll be able to pass? I assume this is a fully formed adult?

@Llamallamadingdong is there any reason you're still friends? He sounds like hard work.

@Cece92 wholeheartedly agree re LGBTQAX, and to be respectful.

This is the aspect “asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.” But not really because op now started “he gets quite angry with me for this. I either get texts guilting me or making passive aggressive comments.” Not an ask then. Rather an ‘or else’.

Its absolutely normal to feel what your feeling. Say you cant do that sorry end of. You dont have to justify why but if you want to, say that makes you feel uncomfortable but your friend may ask why, so I personally would say no i can't sorry with the no justification.

That's exactly how I feel. I think it's a bit different if you were dealing with a teenager but in this situation it's definitely a fetish.

Maybe just send some links to clothes? Last things I bought were joggers, cycling shorts and baggy T shirts if they want to “dress like a woman”. I wouldn’t have a clue about makeup as I rarely wear any, and even when I do it’s just mascara. I wouldn’t shop in person for the fear of something kicking off when they try to enter a woman’s changing room!

And that's when you cool the friendship. Because it's not a friendship when only on his terms. Absolutely fuck his guilt trip. Infuriating.

I agree with you regarding love is love and being respectful. However, my view is that the LGB is about which sex you are attracted to (love) whereas the T is about how you self-identify and is nothing to do with love and relationships. LGB and T are wholly different things and shouldn’t be grouped together.

So if he wanted you to, say, see a band with him, but you weren't keen and kept putting him off, would he keep making pass-agg, guilt-tripping approaches to you? Because that would be insensitive and unfriendly of him, nothing to do with trans or not, just friendship boundaries. How would you respond to that?

Don’t go there. DD and another woman shared a flat with a man who wanted to transition. He was nice enough at first, but even after their efforts at trying to help him he looked like a very obvious bloke.

When they went out together they would often get upset at the ‘transphobia’. He was very obviously male with full makeup, a dress and false boobs and serving staff would call him ‘sir’. They had a couple of nasty incidents where they were all targeted by yobs.

In the end he blamed them for his failure to pass and got quite nasty. Even DD who is very pro trans thought she was doing him no favours by buying into his delusions.

Oh look at that, a man using a woman as an emotional crutch again. Wonders never cease 🙄🙄🙄

You do not need to allow this man to trample your boundaries and sense of discomfort under the guise of being kind. Simply say ‘I love you, but I’m not the right person to support you with this.’ And disengage. You don’t have to get embroiled in someone else’s madness or accept things you don’t believe to serve another person’s ego.

I had a friend that did this and it was internet forum/vide driven. I did distance myself from shopping but would meet up with the alter ego and have long conversations about sex and gender. After 10 years we are out the other side. Still firm friends and no alter ego (that I see anyway)

Hm.
Does your friend understand that he will never be able to be female?

Might you direct him toward a different kind of presentation as the man he is; he can wear whatever he wants while being a man, afterall. Some of DDs' male friends wear nail varnish, long hair, jewellery and what may be loosely termed the odd item of more feminine clothing and the odd bit of eye-liner, while still being very contentedly masculine young men, never thinking for a moment they're anything but. I had male friends in the 80s and 90s who looked much the same.

Please don't become an accessory to a man's fetish, OP. Absolutely do not agree to be a chaperone for him to access single-sex spaces reserved for women.

If it was me I'd say something along the lines of you've thought about it but you have spent years trying to find outfits that fit your body shape and don't have a clue where to start with different body shapes / taller women. Same with different skin types and colouring, or putting make up on yourself vs other people. Or that you tend to wear more jeans and jumper so won't help him pass as more feminine because you don't really dress that way. Obviously can't say this if you're a personal shopper / make up artist / fashionista

I think you are all being naive; women need to wake up to this creepy, predatory shit. Do not consent. Back away.
He's asked you to become part of his sex life, to give him a thrill, to give him sexual pleasure - whilst you know something is wrong, but can't understand it, because women struggle to conceive of men's sexual fetishes.

Being polite I’d say you wouldn’t feel very useful in this situation as you have absolutely no experience of buying women’s clothes/makeup for a trans person.

However the fact he’s getting angry with you at this stage is awful and a huge red flag so I’d be inclined to back away from this friendship.

Urgh, just seen your update re guilt-tripping and PA comments. Scratch what I said above and pull the fucking plug. He's no friend.

Drop him like a stone, OP.

He cannot turn into a woman and we all know it. I’d feel very uncomfortable about him getting angry.

Getting angry with you, sending passive aggressive messages - he's certainly no friend with such threatening behaviour.

Back off as safely as you possibly can.

Tell him he really needs to stop acting like an angry entitled man

Excellent reply - spot on!

OP has updated to say that this man has been guilt-tripping her and making passive aggressive comments to her about it. That's no friend. She's dodged a bullet with him.

It's probably best to say "I'm sorry I don't feel able to do that" and then cool the friendship for the time being.

It's not clear to me why he has picked on you. It's not fair that you are the only person he's told. There are plenty of trans and LGBTQ groups he could contact for support or he could ask other people in the friendship group.

I'm also surprised that the gender clinic have taken this approach, if he's adult then gender clinics will give out hormones anyway unless things have changed a lot in the last year or two. If he's after surgery then that's a whole other dimension and you don't have to help him on that route.

So I wonder if he's being fully honest or a bit manipulative.

It's not lacking compassion to refuse to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. The friend could ask someone else who might be willing to do it . I don't see any hate here, just holding boundaries and putting ones needs first which is healthy.