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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Struggling with trans friend

601 replies

Llamallamadingdong · 28/07/2025 21:09

I have a friend (male) who has decided that they are actually female.

They’ve felt this way for many years now and confided in me and have not told anyone else. Recently had their first gender clinic appointment and have been told that the clinic will not help until they have at least tried to present as female (so far they have messed about with some clothes and makeup alone at home but never gone out in public)

Anyway they recently approached me and asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.

The problem is I just can’t do it. Fundamentally I don’t truly believe that we can change sex and I feel like I’m supporting a weird fantasy. Not sure what I want from this thread, I seem to be the only GC person in my friendship group and I feel like I’m a horrible person for potentially denying someone something they really want.

OP posts:
OreoBoo · 28/07/2025 23:45

Hibernating80 · 28/07/2025 23:42

They may feel very vulnerable, and any rejection may really hit deep. So be very aware if you do decline their request.

They sound a bit of a bully tbh.

BerryTwister · 28/07/2025 23:45

Thefsm · 28/07/2025 22:41

You need to end the friendship because you are no friend to her at all. I will never understand mumsnet obsession with belittling trans people and trying to sexualize their struggles.

Who is “her”?

Mrsbloggz · 28/07/2025 23:45

He wants you to be his pet who will admire him and tell him how special & brave he is.
I would tell him I'm not into that kind of thing, which is true- I loathe shops & shopping!

Daleksatemyshed · 28/07/2025 23:49

You're GC, you're not going to want to take him into the ladies changing rooms or toilets and that will turn into a huge row, he'll expect you to treat him like any other female friend and will be angry and unhappy when you say no.
I'd drop this friendship now, he thinks you'll be doing girls nights out and you're not up for it.

WhatterySquash · 28/07/2025 23:51

There’s a huge difference between having different interests, and not accepting someone for who they are.

This platitude, "accepting someone for who they are", is always wheeled out as if it's some kind of essential holy duty to always "accept people for who they are". No it's not. I can find someone totally unacceptable if I like. If if find out that a friend has joined a mad religious cult, or believes in chemtrails, or is trying to sell me MLM, or is a neo-nazi, they can be who they are all they like, I don't have to be cool with it or accept it. Likewise if they think they can be a woman - my actual lived experience - when they are male by having a gorly shop[ping session. I don't have to accept that "who they are" is a woman, when there's no evidence for that whatsoever.

I am happy to accept that they identify as trans, if they also accept that they they cannot be an actual woman like I am and that I am allowed to say no to going along with that pretence. Plenty of trans people do respect that. OP's issue is not because this person is "trans", it's because he's overstepping and unreasonable.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/07/2025 23:53

Thin end of the wedge IMHO , OP. First the ‘help me choose and buy these clothes and face paint’ then ‘help me put them on’ then….

As pp have said, if he has female friends who share his opinions on the mutability of sex, why not ask them? They could have a jolly time, one having his fantasy substantiated, and the other having her virtue confirmed, mutual benefits. So why do you think he is so keen on you performing this task, when you have already signalled your unwillingness?

Clue : nine letters begins in D, ends in E.

MaggieBsBoat · 28/07/2025 23:55

Treeleaf11 · 28/07/2025 21:58

If you are the only GC person in your friendship group he seems ti have picked you deliberately as the person to help him. Trying to cause an argument or get one over you in some way.

This here is the key point.
Coupled with the fact that he is being objectionable when you put it off.
I‘d have to start backing away from the friendship (of course then it becomes a tool for him to wield in a way but it won’t be your problem).
If you do go suggest and wear yourself jeans, Tshirt and hoody etc.

Waitingfordoggo · 29/07/2025 00:01

Hibernating80 · 28/07/2025 23:42

They may feel very vulnerable, and any rejection may really hit deep. So be very aware if you do decline their request.

A friendship where one party gets angry because the other doesn’t want to go shopping with them isn’t a healthy one.

WhatterySquash · 29/07/2025 00:04

Hibernating80 · 28/07/2025 23:42

They may feel very vulnerable, and any rejection may really hit deep. So be very aware if you do decline their request.

Oh no. Well a woman might also feel that it "hits deep" and feel vulnerable when a male friend wants to appropriate and skinwalk her sex, and demands her compliance in helping him and then gets shitty and bullying when she says no.

It's alarming, it's insulting, it's controlling and IMO it's a lot worse than just being told "no sorry I can't help you with this".

Imagine this happening with any other category, someone who is not in that category (disabled, a particular ethnicity, etc) asking someone who is to help them with the process of imitating and appropriating their life. Wouldn't they have the right to find it offputting (even unacceptable) and say no? Well a woman does too.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/07/2025 00:06

Been there, done that, felt as weird as the situation was.
Friendship died, he/she had mental health issues, after having facial and breast surgery, name change, she never changed her style, same clothes and hair as before, basically the same guy with breast implants.

99bottlesofkombucha · 29/07/2025 00:07

‘Send back a sharp -‘who else are you asking and are you having a go at them too? Or am I your only target? I’m clearly not comfortable but you have zero respect for that.’

CoffeeAndEnnui · 29/07/2025 00:08

I echo what someone else said about firmly pointing out to your friend that they can find their style with minimal research on Instagram or TikTok, and do all their clothes shopping online, like a huge proportion of people do. Likewise, with make-up tutorials and make-up shopping. No need for you to be involved at all.

Your time would be better spent deciding whether you want to continue a friendship with someone who thinks it's reasonable to be passive-aggressive towards you when they suspect they're not getting their way. If they are aware that you are GC, your discomfort might be the motivation behind the invitation.

LeavesOnTrees · 29/07/2025 00:10

Women don't emotionally blackmail each other when they don't want to go shopping.

cordeliavorkosigan · 29/07/2025 00:15

Obviously it's not on to get shirty with you about it but I can see it would be frustrating to finally open up to someone and then be fobbed off several times about something you are very vulnerable about.
I'm a conflict avoider too but you might have to tell him you don't think you are able to do it. You could say it's something that needs some shopping skill beyond what you think you have, rather than saying you're not comfortable with the whole thing. That would be true for me, as I'm not good at even knowing what's good on me never mind someone else.

JifNtGif · 29/07/2025 00:16

If you don't feel comfortable helping her then you either tactfully decline, or just be honest with her.

WhatterySquash · 29/07/2025 00:19

LeavesOnTrees · 29/07/2025 00:10

Women don't emotionally blackmail each other when they don't want to go shopping.

Exactly. Tell him that's your free tip of the day.

Loki64 · 29/07/2025 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well ur a lovely open minded person aren't you

Horserider5678 · 29/07/2025 00:40

So because he’s a male who wants to transition to a woman it’s a fetish! So does it become a fetish when a woman wants to transition to a man? The fact he has been to a gender reassignment clinic shows he’s serious and if those of you who are saying it’s a fetish really knew what the whole process entailed maybe you’d be kinder! I’m going to be the minority and say if he’s a true friend you’d be supporting him. His anger is probably because it took courage to confide in you and he thought you’d support him rather than brushing him off as a weirdo! This post is an eye opener to the fact most mumsnetters seem to be JK Rowling!

Horserider5678 · 29/07/2025 00:41

Loki64 · 29/07/2025 00:40

Well ur a lovely open minded person aren't you

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It’s seems most are narrow minded minded! God help any of their children if they come out as trans!

T1Dmama · 29/07/2025 00:43

Goldenpatchwork · 28/07/2025 22:04

@Cece92 wholeheartedly agree re LGBTQAX, and to be respectful.

This is the aspect “asked if I would help pick an outfit, do makeup and help with hair and then go out with them trying to present as female.” But not really because op now started “he gets quite angry with me for this. I either get texts guilting me or making passive aggressive comments.” Not an ask then. Rather an ‘or else’.

LGBTQAX

whats the AX stand for ?

Imusthavemademydeskaroundaquaterafternine · 29/07/2025 00:45

T1Dmama · 29/07/2025 00:43

LGBTQAX

whats the AX stand for ?

Show quote history

Try googling "The Gay Alphabet Urzila Carlson".

Horserider5678 · 29/07/2025 00:48

Waitingfordoggo · 29/07/2025 00:01

A friendship where one party gets angry because the other doesn’t want to go shopping with them isn’t a healthy one.

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Or one where it took courage to ask and then basically being told it’s a fetish! A true friend accepts friends warts and all! God help any children the OP may have who come out as trans as clearly OP along with the majority of commentators is a bigot!

Loki64 · 29/07/2025 00:51

Horserider5678 · 29/07/2025 00:41

It’s seems most are narrow minded minded! God help any of their children if they come out as trans!

Show quote history

I shouldn't be surprised at comments ts like that on mumsnet, but I still always am!!

Imagine the mental torture of feeling you're in the wrong body, and having to live with all of those feelings - and then being told its a fetish! Shocking. There will be a lot of parents in no contact with their children very soon.

Goldenpatchwork · 29/07/2025 00:52

Horserider5678 · 29/07/2025 00:48

Or one where it took courage to ask and then basically being told it’s a fetish! A true friend accepts friends warts and all! God help any children the OP may have who come out as trans as clearly OP along with the majority of commentators is a bigot!

Show quote history

Can you explain why an adult needs someone to accompany them on a shopping trip to make a simple purchase?

Can you reason the friend becomes angry when the op declines to cooperate with requests?

Peachesandcream1000 · 29/07/2025 00:53

I think your approach is not bad. If you keep putting the friend off, he/she will find someone else who wants to get involved with it and help them with it, and you'll be able to avoid what sounds like it would be an ugly confrontation.

However, I also think you are going to lose this person's friendship, then. It's likely so important to them that they won't have room in their life for someone who isn't supportive of it.

If that's how it is, then I guess that's just how it's going to be.

I know it's a cliche but I find it helpful in making sense of friendships that fall off, the one about how there are friends for a reason, for a season and for life. (And in my experience, "for life" is actually very rare).