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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Dd uncomfortable with trans child using bathroom

169 replies

sunnynightsarethebest · 15/07/2023 07:45

My dd, year 6, had said today there is a boy in her school (they are in year 4) who identifies as a girl. The child gets to use the female toilets, my dd and a few girls in her class are uncomfortable with this as they are going through puberty and don't want to share a bathroom with the child. I don't no what to do about the situation as dd doesn't want to use the bathroom at school incase the child is in there, but I get the child identifies as a girl so needs to. But I feel my daughter and others in her class should be able to use a bathroom and not be concerned by whose in there. What would people do in this situation?

OP posts:
BigButtons · 15/07/2023 07:47

Talk to the head teacher

RoyKentFanclub · 15/07/2023 07:47

I would be speaking to the school and asking whether the toilets have fully enclosed cubicles. If not then they need to make single sex provision available

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 15/07/2023 07:52

I would imagine school won't be too bothered. I found at primary school unfortunately school didn't take the privacy of girls seriously - each year I argued with the teachers about the fact that the girls had to change with the boys in the classroom for PE. In year 6 girls finally had the dubious privilege of being allowed to change in the cloakroom. The only thing I would suggest is a meeting with the head, explaining your dd's discomfort (as if it shouldn't be obvious!) and ask if school can work out an alternative. If its so little of an issue to share, then the trans girl should be allowed to use the staff ladies toilet.

MarkMyWord · 15/07/2023 08:00

Obviously talk to the headteacher/safeguarding lead. Why wouldn't that be your first instinct? Instead you thought you'd post on mumsnet 🤔

Original poster
sunnynightsarethebest · 15/07/2023 08:06

MarkMyWord · 15/07/2023 08:00

Obviously talk to the headteacher/safeguarding lead. Why wouldn't that be your first instinct? Instead you thought you'd post on mumsnet 🤔

I posted on here as I'm not sure how to handle the situation, obviously I feel as though my DD's feelings and the other girls in her class, should come first. However, I am very much aware of the world we are living in now and people may say the child identity's as female now so should use the female toilets.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 15/07/2023 08:06

They are seperate cubicles how would they see anything?

cariadlet · 15/07/2023 08:14

Speak to the school.

As a teacher, I would be worried for the boy if the school is socially affirming him (the interim Cass report stated that this isn't a neutral act) because of the potential long term harms.

As a parent, I would challenge the school on behalf of my daughter. Girls are entitled to single sex spaces.
The Equality Act allows this.
Sex Matters and Transgender Trend probably have resources that you could take to the school.

If the boy is uncomfortable using boys' toilets and changing areas, the answer isn't to force the girls to accommodate him; it's to provide separate facilties eg let him use the disabled toilet.

If the school didn't back down and let the girls have single sex toilets for their privacy and dignity. I would contact my MP and the local newspaper.

SharonEllis · 15/07/2023 08:17

cariadlet · 15/07/2023 08:14

Speak to the school.

As a teacher, I would be worried for the boy if the school is socially affirming him (the interim Cass report stated that this isn't a neutral act) because of the potential long term harms.

As a parent, I would challenge the school on behalf of my daughter. Girls are entitled to single sex spaces.
The Equality Act allows this.
Sex Matters and Transgender Trend probably have resources that you could take to the school.

If the boy is uncomfortable using boys' toilets and changing areas, the answer isn't to force the girls to accommodate him; it's to provide separate facilties eg let him use the disabled toilet.

If the school didn't back down and let the girls have single sex toilets for their privacy and dignity. I would contact my MP and the local newspaper.

Absolutely this. Get support from Transgender Trend. Single sex provision must be provided and girls should not be made to accomodate boys. I feel for the poor boy but he is not entitled to make girls uncomfortable.

Blueblell · 15/07/2023 08:19

I am afraid in this case, the child must be 8 or 9 ? I would encourage my daughter not to get too worked up about it. Obviously though there is the principle and when the children involved are older it will be a different scenario.

PinkFrogss · 15/07/2023 08:21

Is she moving to secondary school in September? If so it sounds like you may have left it too late to say anything.

cariadlet · 15/07/2023 08:24

Why shouldn't the girls get worked up about it?
Why is the boy's feelings more important than the girls' feelings?

We need to stop encouraging girls to be kind and we should teach them to stand up for themselves.

TheLongpigs · 15/07/2023 08:25

Blueblell · 15/07/2023 08:19

I am afraid in this case, the child must be 8 or 9 ? I would encourage my daughter not to get too worked up about it. Obviously though there is the principle and when the children involved are older it will be a different scenario.

You would honestly encourage your daughter to put aside her natural and genuine feelings of concern about having a boy sharing her toilets, putting this boys feelings before hers?

Peony654 · 15/07/2023 08:27

If there’s separate cubicles I can’t see any issues. Loads of places just have unisex cubicles now so she needs to get used to it.

Original poster
sunnynightsarethebest · 15/07/2023 08:28

PinkFrogss · 15/07/2023 08:21

Is she moving to secondary school in September? If so it sounds like you may have left it too late to say anything.

She is in yr 5 not yr 6 she has another yr there

OP posts:
SuperSange · 15/07/2023 08:29

Blueblell · 15/07/2023 08:19

I am afraid in this case, the child must be 8 or 9 ? I would encourage my daughter not to get too worked up about it. Obviously though there is the principle and when the children involved are older it will be a different scenario.

Year six is 10/11 I think. The girls will be going through puberty soon if not already.

Original poster
sunnynightsarethebest · 15/07/2023 08:30

Peony654 · 15/07/2023 08:27

If there’s separate cubicles I can’t see any issues. Loads of places just have unisex cubicles now so she needs to get used to it.

Yes lots of places have unisex toilets now nothing wrong with that. But the toilets at my DD's school are not unisex toilets, if they were unisex toilets I wouldn't have written this

OP posts:
334bu · 15/07/2023 08:31

Loads of places just have unisex cubicles now so she needs to get used to it.

Fully enclosed individual rooms with sinks inside are not the same as the open top cubicles and shared sinks in school toilets.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 15/07/2023 08:32

It doesn't matter about separate cubicles.

The fact is a boy says he is a girl (factually incorrect) and all the girls have to accept him into their space. Without question. Regardless of how this impacts their dignity. It's just wrong.

It's all about the male.

Welcome to life, girls Confused

Toseland · 15/07/2023 08:50

Where is Gillian Keegan's DofE school advice?! Young girls should not have to be dealing with this, in fact no women should. It matters a lot and it is not too late to say anything. It may not help your daughter specifically but it will help all the other girls coming up behind her and it is our responsibility as parents to stand up and say no! x

bellac11 · 15/07/2023 08:51

Why did you say she is in year 6 when she is in year 5?

Somethingintheattic · 15/07/2023 08:58

Does the class get ready together for PE? How are the toilets configured - are they 'girls' and 'boys'? - I guess so from your post. However I don't understand why you initially said year 6 - it's not really a mistake a parent of a year 5 child would make so I am not going to think too hard about what you might say to the headteacher.

Mylefttoe · 15/07/2023 09:03

At this stage of the academic year, nothing is going to change by September, when the daughter will be in Y6.
But by all means get hung up on that and avoid the question itself.

Girls should not be being made to feel uncomfortable in what should be a secure and safe space.

Changingplace · 15/07/2023 09:06

Blueblell · 15/07/2023 08:19

I am afraid in this case, the child must be 8 or 9 ? I would encourage my daughter not to get too worked up about it. Obviously though there is the principle and when the children involved are older it will be a different scenario.

The minute you start doing this you’re setting a precedent, if young girls are feeling uncomfortable about this their feelings shouldn’t be minimised, and it’ll make it harder to push for at an older age if it’s already been agreed at this stage.