Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Dd uncomfortable with trans child using bathroom

169 replies

sunnynightsarethebest · 15/07/2023 07:45

My dd, year 6, had said today there is a boy in her school (they are in year 4) who identifies as a girl. The child gets to use the female toilets, my dd and a few girls in her class are uncomfortable with this as they are going through puberty and don't want to share a bathroom with the child. I don't no what to do about the situation as dd doesn't want to use the bathroom at school incase the child is in there, but I get the child identifies as a girl so needs to. But I feel my daughter and others in her class should be able to use a bathroom and not be concerned by whose in there. What would people do in this situation?

OP posts:
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 15/07/2023 11:41

Mugviper · 15/07/2023 10:09

Why is she feeling uncomfortable? What does it matter if there is a 9 yr old boy who identifies as a girl is in the toilets? Genuine question as I don’t think it’s a given that all girls would be uncomfortable with this, I think she must have got the idea from somewhere. What are her concerns? What does she think will happen?

Also what are the chances of them both needing the toilet at the same time.

Or the flip side ... what does it matter for for this boy who thinks he's a girl to continue to use the boy's facilities? What does he think is going to happen?

Abhannmor · 15/07/2023 11:41

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 15/07/2023 07:52

I would imagine school won't be too bothered. I found at primary school unfortunately school didn't take the privacy of girls seriously - each year I argued with the teachers about the fact that the girls had to change with the boys in the classroom for PE. In year 6 girls finally had the dubious privilege of being allowed to change in the cloakroom. The only thing I would suggest is a meeting with the head, explaining your dd's discomfort (as if it shouldn't be obvious!) and ask if school can work out an alternative. If its so little of an issue to share, then the trans girl should be allowed to use the staff ladies toilet.

I think this is the best solution tbh. Unless the women teachers raise some objection. But that seems unlikely as they seem to have no problem with the current arrangement.

pues · 15/07/2023 11:48

Astonishing how many women( if they are indeed women) cannot see an issue with this. So disheartening.

loislovesstewie · 15/07/2023 11:49

Stardust75 · 15/07/2023 11:37

I would imagine the cubicles within the toilets would have doors on so don't see what the issue/ concern is.

But they don't have walls going to the ceiling and doors that go from ceiling to floor. Therefore there is little privacy; it doesn't take much thought to understand a girl approaching puberty or who has reached puberty might suffer distress by having to change a sanitary pad knowing that a boy might not decide to try to look under the door or over the wall for a 'joke'. And why do females always have to 'be kind'?

StephanieSuperpowers · 15/07/2023 11:52

pues · 15/07/2023 11:48

Astonishing how many women( if they are indeed women) cannot see an issue with this. So disheartening.

Yeah, it's astonishing to see grown women argue that boy's feelings are important but girl's feelings aren't. It's very depressing to think that we still can't see that girl's actually matter.

pues · 15/07/2023 11:55

@StephanieSuperpowers exactly this!

SunRainStorm · 15/07/2023 12:05

AlisonDonut · 15/07/2023 10:46

Kids can't be trans anything.

Stop calling them trans.

Call them boys. Males. In the female toilets.

The protected characteristic is 'gender reassignment'. And this status is for adults as children cannot be reassigned their gender.

A boy saying he is a girl is not a gender reassignment. It is just a boy.

So call it what it is.

The child is not an 'it'.

Have a good look at yourself.

Redshoeblueshoe · 15/07/2023 12:06

SunRain - he is a boy, and he should use the boys toilets.

Why are his feelings more important than the girls ?

Soontobe60 · 15/07/2023 12:08

Peony654 · 15/07/2023 08:27

If there’s separate cubicles I can’t see any issues. Loads of places just have unisex cubicles now so she needs to get used to it.

No no no! Girls should NOT be forced to get used to having boys invade their private spaces because those boys now claim to be girls. Utter gaslighting!

Soontobe60 · 15/07/2023 12:09

SunRainStorm · 15/07/2023 12:05

The child is not an 'it'.

Have a good look at yourself.

Show quote history

Neither is he a she.

Ladybug14 · 15/07/2023 12:10

AlisonDonut · 15/07/2023 10:46

Kids can't be trans anything.

Stop calling them trans.

Call them boys. Males. In the female toilets.

The protected characteristic is 'gender reassignment'. And this status is for adults as children cannot be reassigned their gender.

A boy saying he is a girl is not a gender reassignment. It is just a boy.

So call it what it is.

You're a joy , now, aren't you?

Give your head a wobble and think about what you're saying

If a 9 year old boy thinks he might want to transition, that needs to be dealt with sensitively do the concerns of the OPs daughter

I hope to god @AlisonDonut that you don't work with children

Soontobe60 · 15/07/2023 12:11

ButterCrackers · 15/07/2023 11:07

No boy should be in the girls toilets. Could this boy who says that they are a girl use the staff toilets?

Which ones do you suggest? The ladies? Absolutely not. He can use the boys just like all the other boys in school. Toilets are segregated by sex, not feelings.

Spareus · 15/07/2023 12:11

Blueblell · 15/07/2023 08:19

I am afraid in this case, the child must be 8 or 9 ? I would encourage my daughter not to get too worked up about it. Obviously though there is the principle and when the children involved are older it will be a different scenario.

This is wild. Put up and shut up girls?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/07/2023 12:13

Put up and shut up girls?

Later, it will be "Lie back and think of England".

Madamecastafiore · 15/07/2023 12:13

My DD is 9 and would be infuriated with a biological male of any age being allowed into a space which is specifically for biological females because she knows you can't change sex and they shouldn't be in there.

FGS stop all this fucking nonsense, stop allowing this shit to happen, stop making excuses, stop giving your hard fought rights away. How dare you give away our daughters and granddaughters rights to safe spaces because of their age, we didn't just fight for women's rights for ourselves, we fought for them for future generations.

If he doesn't want to use the male facilities because he's delusional and is under the impression that he is no longer male just because he has said so then the school will have to come to some sort of agreement that he goes home or he uses the disabled toilets if they have ones which aren't assigned on the basis of sex.

TRexTara · 15/07/2023 12:16

Madamecastafiore · 15/07/2023 12:13

My DD is 9 and would be infuriated with a biological male of any age being allowed into a space which is specifically for biological females because she knows you can't change sex and they shouldn't be in there.

FGS stop all this fucking nonsense, stop allowing this shit to happen, stop making excuses, stop giving your hard fought rights away. How dare you give away our daughters and granddaughters rights to safe spaces because of their age, we didn't just fight for women's rights for ourselves, we fought for them for future generations.

If he doesn't want to use the male facilities because he's delusional and is under the impression that he is no longer male just because he has said so then the school will have to come to some sort of agreement that he goes home or he uses the disabled toilets if they have ones which aren't assigned on the basis of sex.

This. All of this.

porridgecake · 15/07/2023 12:16

I know a child who was raped in the toilets in primary school.
This individual child might be fine but it is the principle of single sex toilets that is important here.
OP, have a look at Safe Schools Alliance for advice.

Mugviper · 15/07/2023 12:17

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 15/07/2023 11:41

Or the flip side ... what does it matter for for this boy who thinks he's a girl to continue to use the boy's facilities? What does he think is going to happen?

Show quote history

Yes I agree. It’s a difficult situation all round and one that isn’t going away.

TakeMe2Insanity · 15/07/2023 12:18

cariadlet · 15/07/2023 08:14

Speak to the school.

As a teacher, I would be worried for the boy if the school is socially affirming him (the interim Cass report stated that this isn't a neutral act) because of the potential long term harms.

As a parent, I would challenge the school on behalf of my daughter. Girls are entitled to single sex spaces.
The Equality Act allows this.
Sex Matters and Transgender Trend probably have resources that you could take to the school.

If the boy is uncomfortable using boys' toilets and changing areas, the answer isn't to force the girls to accommodate him; it's to provide separate facilties eg let him use the disabled toilet.

If the school didn't back down and let the girls have single sex toilets for their privacy and dignity. I would contact my MP and the local newspaper.

This 👏

Ahdinnaeken1 · 15/07/2023 12:19

@Stardust75 By your relational, I would say the boy can then keep using the boy’s toilets. You know, given that they have cubicles.

Ahdinnaeken1 · 15/07/2023 12:19
  • rational
TimeToMoveIt · 15/07/2023 12:22

There's a child in year 3 at school who transitioned 🙄🙄 at age 4 before starting at the school so I don't think many if any of the children are aware. They use the staff toilets . The school should do that rather than have boys in the girls toilets

porridgecake · 15/07/2023 12:24

TimeToMoveIt · 15/07/2023 12:22

There's a child in year 3 at school who transitioned 🙄🙄 at age 4 before starting at the school so I don't think many if any of the children are aware. They use the staff toilets . The school should do that rather than have boys in the girls toilets

That is really sad. Poor child.

CoffeeWithCheese · 15/07/2023 12:26

Loving the naive comments that the Y5/6 boys won't be interested in the girls. DD1 is in year 6 and they've had lots of issues this year with the boys in the year group requesting nude photos from the girls and making sexual comments - dealt with well by the school but I'm just impressed by the naive thinking that the boys are still only skipping around thinking about football and Pokemon and shite.

DD1 has made the comment before that she does not ever want to be made to feel uncomfortable going into the toilets - I've told her that if she ever feels uncomfortable going into an enclosed, windowless space with someone who has a born-male body - leave, don't feel obliged to feel pressurised to "be kind" to support someone else's feelings and I'll back her 100% on it. I've spent a lot of time teaching my kids that their instincts regarding personal safety are to be listened to - I would not be happy with school trying to teach them to override that on grounds of being kind. I've lost too many friends to male violence to be skipping around being kind - and even if the loos have cubicles - they have an enclosed, usually barely supervised, hand washing area outside of the actual cubicles.

If school are going to push on with this - I'd be requesting that any girls feeling uncomfortable, especially dealing with period etc, are allowed to use the staff loos - a few weeks of the staff needing the loo but having to wait might make the point.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 15/07/2023 12:26

Sun** I'm pretty sure Alison wasn't actually referring to this child child as it but rather "call it what it is/call the situation what it is "