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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Men annoyed when women take up space

249 replies

lovelypidgeon · 06/02/2023 10:16

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this- just wanting to vent and discuss with people who won't minimise or tell me it could have happened to a man too.

I have truly had enough of men expecting me (and other women) to prioritise them and trying to intimidate me when I don't. This morning, I was filling my car up at the petrol station and the man who had been filling his car behind me was pissed off that I did not move as soon as he was ready. He got out of his car to tell me I was in his way and that he needed to get to work so I needed to stop what I was doing and move my car (with lots of swearing thrown in). I remained calm and told him that I was almost done but the fact that I was not shocked and submissive seemed to irritate him even more. At one point he said 'Am I going to have to take your keys off you and move it myself?' I told him that if he did, I would call the police, and took a photo of him and his car reg. He told me to go ahead, and to make sure I told them what a fucking cunt I was, then called me a stupid fucking bitch.

Before I had finished filling my car he left the forecourt by just reversing slightly and going past me (which he could have done from the start). Which I think makes it pretty clear that this was not about me holding him up, but me having the audacity to be a middle aged woman in his way. There were quite a few other people around but no-one said a word. I'm pretty sure that he will go off to work and tell his mates about the stupid bitch that blocked him in and had to be told. I also know that if I speak to people IRL about this many will either question whether I was in the wrong to be where I was, or tell me that I should have just stopped what I was doing and got out of the way to avoid an argument.

I am livid, and exhausted with this shit. I'm not sure why this has got to me so much- it's hardly the first time I've encountered this sort of thing. But I really feel like we're in a bad place when a woman can't go to a petrol station in daylight without being intimidated by a man whilst other men pretend they can't see what's happening. I want to do something about this (in general, not just this one incident) but can't actually think of anything that will make a blind bit of difference. What do other people do?

OP posts:
Whatislove82 · 06/02/2023 16:56

Genuinely curious what you going ape shit looks like?

EffYouSeeKaye · 06/02/2023 16:56

@Mamette I will remember your wise words next time I encounter the man at the park who is perfectly happy to let his massive dog jump up at me and cover me in muddy paw prints. He is not happy for me to ask him to put his dog on a lead. Oh no. Then he has to waste his time loudly telling me what an ugly miserable bitch I am who needs to mind her own business and fuck off. Silly me 🙄

I am positive he would not speak to me like that if I were a man. Such misogynist language. Sounds like you encountered a similar prince amongst men, OP.

booboo82 · 06/02/2023 16:58

I'm sure this stuff only happens to mumsnetters 🤣🤣🤣

CryInToYourCornflakesNicola · 06/02/2023 17:00

ComeTheSpringLobelia · 06/02/2023 11:25

All true.

A few years back when I was working in London I did an experiment for a few days. For a few days I just simply walked down the street. And did not deviate my path in order to step around men who were walking in the opposite direction towards me. Turns out women usually deviate around men when they are walking. Men expect women to do so. The number of times I literally ended up bang on face to face with men because there was no way they would slightly go off their path to go around me- a woman coming from the other direction.

It was also amazing how antagonistic some men got about it. I'm just walking down the street like there were. But they literally just expected me to get out their way.

Its probably been mentioned by now but in case, it's called
Patriarchy chicken.

Some days when I feel up to the challenge, I do exactly as you say. Refuse to move out of the way. Great fun, if you can get hold of some crutches it makes it better still.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/02/2023 17:00

If I have understood @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov, @Whatislove82 , the man did not simply ask her politely to move her car because he couldn’t get at the child seat, he had a go at her for her parking (she used the phrase ‘give out’ which I think means scolding or having a go at someone). I’m not disputing that he was having difficulties getting at the child seat, but that doesn’t excuse him being unpleasant to @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov.

And she was parked within the white lines - which isn’t terribly inconsiderate parking, unless she was right up to the line on his side. He expected her to see the child seat in his car, and park over towards the other side of the space, to give him room - but then she would have been too close to the car on the other side.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/02/2023 17:01

Sorry - cross posted with @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov.

Whatislove82 · 06/02/2023 17:11

I have little doubt that he was unreasonable by calling her over to moan unfairly

my point is… going “ape shit” in front of his young child - just alien to me to respond like this

RaininginDarling · 06/02/2023 17:13

DaughterofBrum · 06/02/2023 15:03

I have had this happen to me multiple times when driving. The most amusing was on a single track road in Devon where some local landowner type was driving a truck down a single track road with passing places. He was going downhill and trapped me against the bush verge (I was in a small car). He had apace to get past but insisted on opening his window to issue the usual manly stream of whines and complaints presumably cos a woman was on HIS road.

I refused to open my window, smiled broadly and made repeated whooshing motions over my own head. He kept going so I pointed helpfully at the road ahead of him, which he was clearly so keen to keep going on uninterrupted. After another minute or so of ranting as I turned up my car radio he moved on.

The other way to wind up these types is through showing concern for them as I found by accident. Someone (anorher older man, also in Devon oddly enough) was ranting to me as I was moving my car out of the road that I was erm, blocking the road. I pointed out that if he would allow me to drive off I would not be blocking the road. He leaned right into my car window, yelling and jabbing his finger into my face. I was genuinely confused by this madness and just said 'what IS wrong with you?'This caused him to erupt in a sort of strangled scream of rage, and he finally backed off literally shaking with anger.

I really think a lot of people are in a state of rage with others from dawn to dusk and men in particular seem to think its fine and even righteous to find easy targets for it.

Absolutely perfect response!

WinterFoxes · 06/02/2023 17:17

One thing I have started doing since reaching middle age is to carry on walking down ther pavement in the direction I was walking. Without even realising, I always used to move aside for men, and fuck but they expect you to. I have seen looks ranging from bewilderment to horror to 'I'll show her' coupled with a sharp whack to my shoulder in passing for me being such an uppity mare that I didn't step into a dicth or into the road so that Man could pass. It's quite eye opening. Nice men just move aside and I let them. I did it for them for decades, after all.

CementTrucker · 06/02/2023 17:18

MadamAndTheAnts · 06/02/2023 13:21

Maybe faffing while doing it though - working out which pump or going slow opening the cap

Show quote history

Why are you so invested in the op having done something wrong? Why is it important? It’s pretty obnoxious to keep pushing this point when she’s not said anything at all to there was any suggest faffing. But more importantly, the extreme and aggressive overreaction renders any minor misstep completely irrelevant.

I loved the story upthread about driving into the M&S car park the wrong way - total non-issue and the irate bloke who tried to take that poster to task was dealt with perfectly.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 06/02/2023 17:22

BlusteryLake · 06/02/2023 15:37

I hate this behaviour. It's always directed at women, no way would he suggest moving a man's car for them. I was given a good handling tip - when he has finished his tirade, pause a moment then say calmly "Your breath smells. You should do something about that" and turn on your heel.

Perfect. 😂

trythisforsize · 06/02/2023 17:23

I was driving down a narrow country lane to work, I've had the same drive to work for 15 years so I know it very well. A small white van was coming the other way so I pulled far over to the left in the widest part of the lane and waited for the little van to drive by, as he drove by he slowed down and screamed cunt at me 3 times through the window.

trythisforsize · 06/02/2023 17:24

I really wish films were true and I could instantly turn into the hulk and stamp his shitty little van into a pancake before hurling him into a nearby field.

Sunbird24 · 06/02/2023 17:26

Actually thinking about it, there’s potentially an opposite side to this… In a previous job in hospitality, if we got drunk blokes squaring up to fight in the bar and my big (tall and rotund, but not muscly or at all aggressive in any way) male boss went in to try and break it up it would escalate. We discovered one night that if I went in (24, 5’6” and 54kg at the time, but female) they would instantly back off and everything calmed down. Even managed to stop a fight that had got to glass-throwing point once. I don’t know if it was specifically about our sexes though, or something to do with the energy, as boss was always kind of a pushover and I was not… 😂

ActingTheMaggot · 06/02/2023 17:35

My DH always says that I am one day going to get a punch in the face from a man. I just don’t take any crap off them. I think it is because I was brought up in a house with 2 older brothers, and then my nephews (oldest DB’s DC) came to live with us, and they are only 8&9 years younger than me. All alpha males, and my dad is one too. I had to learn to stick up for myself. I’ve told many a man to “go F himself” or call an arsehole in public and I didn’t care who was listening. I’m not saying this is a good thing but I refuse to back down from a man. Once, a guy who I told this, came into my work as a customer, which was embarrassing.

When I am not telling them where to go, when they think they are going to get away with picking on me, I just look thru men. It’s a skill I’ve developed as a middle age woman. I look at women, and smile at them, but I just look thru men, unless I know and like them. It’s liberating.

A lot of men are horrible. I never see a handsome, smart man doing this, and can only think that it’s losers who take their inadequacies out on people they think are weaker, i.e. women. I also think it’s regional. Where I live (Essex) the men are really awful, but ooop north, I don’t see the same amount of aggression toward women.

Blackbirdblue30 · 06/02/2023 17:40

I also do patriarchy chicken and had a laugh at the Man upthread who doesn't believe this is a thing because it doesn't happen to him. They get so bewildered when you don't step onto the road for them. I've had a few turn on their heel and scream at me with toddler rage.

More recently for me is yoga classes- there are spaces marked on the floor for mats. It is not a hard system to follow at all. Without fail, it is always a man who ignores that, plonks himself down in the middle and takes up three spaces, expecting women to shuffle and genuflect to the man in the room. A (female) teacher told one of them to sit in the correct space. He did so reluctantly and then wrote an outraged complaint about her on the website calling her rude. The assumption of entitlement/priority is unending.

smileladiesplease · 06/02/2023 17:55

He sounds horrible op

I am nearly 60 snd can't say this has really happened much to me but I probably do walk around men and I am smiley and polite. I am going into town tomorrow and I will consciously not step aside for any man and will plough on. I may report back

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 06/02/2023 17:57

The man on the thread saying it’s not been his experience so he thinks us silly girls are probably ‘overthinking’ the encounter.

Just glorious. 🤣

Whatislove82 · 06/02/2023 17:59

Any man posting on mumsnet is… an odd bod. I’d put a lot of money on that.

Patineur · 06/02/2023 18:04

I remember seeing a factual TV programme where a man whose job involved driving around doing deliveries every day was filmed after he came home, droning on and on and on at his unfortunate wife about all the dreadful drivers he had encountered that day, giving her a detailed blow by blow account of each and every one of them. Apparently he did it every single day, taking a couple of hours over it every time. His wife was laughing it off for the camera, but it was kind of through gritted teeth.

I couldn't help thinking he was not long for this world. If he didn't get lamped by one of the drivers he kept telling off, he would keel over from high blood pressure or be killed as a result of his wife's patience finally giving out.

Sunbird24 · 06/02/2023 18:10

smileladiesplease · 06/02/2023 17:55

He sounds horrible op

I am nearly 60 snd can't say this has really happened much to me but I probably do walk around men and I am smiley and polite. I am going into town tomorrow and I will consciously not step aside for any man and will plough on. I may report back

I am also smiley and polite, but I generally walk round everyone as they’re all so slowwwww… 😂

Coffeesnob11 · 06/02/2023 18:17

WalterWitty · 06/02/2023 16:52

Rush hour tube, small man in his 50s took hold of my back pack and moved me out of his way so he could get on first, can you imagine how it feels to have that sense of entitlement.

I was just about to say don't start me on the tubes and trains. My tube line is always busy and I often stand by the door, at least once a month I get a man that's been seated (not the same one) asking me to move out the way as he wants to get off at the next stop. I always explain most of the carriage is wating to do the same. They then invariably push past me once we are out but always stand on the right whilst I walk up the left. I don't know where this imaginary scoreboard is but it's very annoying like I should have a seat and be allowed off first and stand and play candy crush as I can't be bothered to walk up the escalator.

Princesspollyyy · 06/02/2023 18:28

Alphabetasoul · 06/02/2023 15:59

All the times I've been tailgated it has been by a man . I do believe they have some way of knowing it's a female driving either by the type of car or maybe long hair gives It away ? I've never had a woman tailgate me or shout obscenities when they over take me because I won't break the speed limit .

What car do you drive? I don't think there's many cars only ladies drive are there? Maybe Fiat 500, Nissan Juke?

newwings · 06/02/2023 20:41

I've had more run ins with women tbh, they have behaved smug and tried provoking a reaction.

crimsonpeak · 06/02/2023 21:52

ActingTheMaggot · 06/02/2023 17:35

My DH always says that I am one day going to get a punch in the face from a man. I just don’t take any crap off them. I think it is because I was brought up in a house with 2 older brothers, and then my nephews (oldest DB’s DC) came to live with us, and they are only 8&9 years younger than me. All alpha males, and my dad is one too. I had to learn to stick up for myself. I’ve told many a man to “go F himself” or call an arsehole in public and I didn’t care who was listening. I’m not saying this is a good thing but I refuse to back down from a man. Once, a guy who I told this, came into my work as a customer, which was embarrassing.

When I am not telling them where to go, when they think they are going to get away with picking on me, I just look thru men. It’s a skill I’ve developed as a middle age woman. I look at women, and smile at them, but I just look thru men, unless I know and like them. It’s liberating.

A lot of men are horrible. I never see a handsome, smart man doing this, and can only think that it’s losers who take their inadequacies out on people they think are weaker, i.e. women. I also think it’s regional. Where I live (Essex) the men are really awful, but ooop north, I don’t see the same amount of aggression toward women.

Pretty sure my DH thinks the same thing. Put up with so much shit from men - including from within my own family - that I am absolutely fucked if I’m going to let that continue without defending myself.

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