To feel like we still live in the 1950’s sometimes

[Psychgrad]

I just got back to work after being married and on leave for a few days. One colleague assumed that I had changed my name and said ‘so your mrs what now?’ When I told him I’m not changing my name, he was shocked and proceeded to discuss this with me in the middle of the hospital ward (I work in a hospital) and giggled at me as if I was being silly and rebellious. He then tried to mansplain (is that how it’s spelt?) the reasons why it’s important to take your husbands name. I didn’t really have time to have a debate as I was on my way to see a patient and had really only greeted him with a big hello since I’ve been off for a few days. I feel taken aback by this comment and am annoyed that I wasn’t ready with a better argument as to why I hadn’t taken my husband’s name.I think it’s quite old fashioned and sexist that a woman has to take her husband’s name and I’m surprised that people just assume that a woman would just take their husbands name in this day and age. I’m 35, with a professional career, therefore I can make my own choices and don’t really need to explain it. Apparently I do though!! Plus the tradition of taking your husbands name comes from times where your father would ‘give you away’ to another man therefore you took his name. I didn’t have a traditional wedding, nobody gave me away. Why are we so progressive as women but yet we are still expected to take our husbands names?

'Either way in our society ,most women get their surname from a man'.

So do most men, yet their last names are seen as theirs, not their father's. Seems like a lot of women can't stand their last names and can't wait to change them, but no men ever feel that way

And no, feminism isn't just about choice. Ditching your own last name for your spouse's last name is a 'choice' that lots of women still make, but virtually no men ever do.

No one on this thread mentioned being a "possession" before you brought it up, though. Are you perhaps yourself taking quite an old fashioned view of what you assume other people's reasoning is?

I took my now exH name when I got married in the early 1990s as, like Lagooncity said it marked a new stage of my life. It was also very much a done thing then, or at least it was in my circle of friends and acquaintances.

Now we are divorced I have considered a change back to my former name but that would mean I have a different name to my children which, even though they are in their 20s, is not what I want!

Surely there is no right or wrong answer in this matter? Its down to personal choice and no one should be criticised or castigated for the choice that they make, whether we can understand it or not!

I'd be complaining actually. Clearly sexism at work. Is he junior or senior to you?

Of course it is personal choice, and I understand women who dislike their name or have had a bad relationship with their own father seeing it as an opportunity to get rid of it.

But culturally, it is still almost always only women who change their name - to their husband's name. If men were also seeing marriage as an opportunity to change their name, that would be different. I hope that one day we might get there. Very few men change their name because of a 'new stage in their life'. Plus everyone lives together first nowadays, marriage doesn't change much!

It's just funny how only women seem to have terrible names or terrible fathers.

I used to work with a Mrs Smellie- goodness only knows what her birth name was if "Smellie" was an improvement.

I've asked this before, but never got an answer- for the "family must all have the same surname" brigade- what happens if you take your husband's name, have children, divorce, and then re-marry?

Does Mrs Smellie become Mrs Can't Be Worse Than Smellie? Do the little Smellies also change their name to that of their mother's new husband? Does Smellie Snr get any say in the re-naming of the little Smellies?

There's a choice, people can do what they want. I changed mine because I hate the surname I was given first. That's all, no old fashioned stuff.

Your colleague is rude and peculiar!

I knew some Smellies who became Smilie.

My kids have my partner’s name because my surname is ridiculous and has causes nothing but hassle, while his is snappy and nice.
Were we to get married (very unlikely) I’d be delighted to have his instead.

The only blips I have had about calling my kids another surname than me are considerations that my friend has had to deal with, to do with travel overseas with her young son, who has a different surname.

Hmm, 2 more women with terrible birth names.

Were we to get married (very unlikely) I’d be delighted to have his instead

If you are in the UK you can change your name at any time to anything you want. It's particularly easy to do if you're in Scotland.

No thoughts on how "we must all have the same family name" works in the case of divorce and remarriage?

No he doesn't believe me. Claims he knows as he's been married twice and I never have. And tbh when I'm stuck in a car with him for 3 hours it's easier to change the subject!

My family believe this. I've been told my bank card is "illegal" because its Ms MyName not Mrs Hisname 🤦‍♀️

Why? What are you proud of? Is your husband also proud and what changes to his name did he make to display his "pride"?

Claims he knows as he's been married twice and I never have

I don't understand how he can have been married twice and still not know it's untrue. He sounds really dumb? His wife's name just automatically changed? So his ex wives didn't have to change the names legally it just happened? What a pillock.

How does he think some women retain their own name then!?

My family believe this. I've been told my bank card is "illegal" because its Ms MyName not Mrs Hisname

I just don't understand how people can believe such things when they can just be shown evidence to the contrary. What evidence so they have to believe this!? Confused that people like this exist.

So do most men, yet their last names are seen as theirs, not their father's. Seems like a lot of women can't stand their last names and can't wait to change them, but no men ever feel that way

I met a guy with the last name Bumcrut. He didn't change it on marriage funnily enough.

I have never used my husband's surname in 26 years of marriage. It has caused no problems apart from a few minor misunderstandings and the only person it upset was my mum who was worried that the midwives would think I was unmarried when I was pregnant. It has been years since anyone has commented.

Hes definitely a pillock!

I think the way he thinks it works is
Woman gets married.
Woman's name is now legally her new husbands name.

Woman has to take marriage certificate in to bank etc to show new name but not doing so means you're using an 'illegal' name.

I am proud to be married to an amazing man and take his name . I am a traditionalist, anti- woke and absolutely love being a housewife. We work together as a team.

Wait until Christmas...

Been married 20+ years, never changed my name.

Hardly anyone has the courtesy to use our names correctly.

He's a neanderthal. You just need to laugh at him.

He sounds annoying and I do worry that equality seems to be going backwards for women. This isn’t really top of my list though.

I mean name changing isn’t top of my list of equality issues I care about.

Thought this was becoming a dead thread but that escalated quickly. I’ve had a good read at the comments, what a fun debate.

😂

Also it’s illegal in some places for women to change their names, Quebec being one of them.