To feel like we still live in the 1950’s sometimes

[Psychgrad]

I just got back to work after being married and on leave for a few days. One colleague assumed that I had changed my name and said ‘so your mrs what now?’ When I told him I’m not changing my name, he was shocked and proceeded to discuss this with me in the middle of the hospital ward (I work in a hospital) and giggled at me as if I was being silly and rebellious. He then tried to mansplain (is that how it’s spelt?) the reasons why it’s important to take your husbands name. I didn’t really have time to have a debate as I was on my way to see a patient and had really only greeted him with a big hello since I’ve been off for a few days. I feel taken aback by this comment and am annoyed that I wasn’t ready with a better argument as to why I hadn’t taken my husband’s name.I think it’s quite old fashioned and sexist that a woman has to take her husband’s name and I’m surprised that people just assume that a woman would just take their husbands name in this day and age. I’m 35, with a professional career, therefore I can make my own choices and don’t really need to explain it. Apparently I do though!! Plus the tradition of taking your husbands name comes from times where your father would ‘give you away’ to another man therefore you took his name. I didn’t have a traditional wedding, nobody gave me away. Why are we so progressive as women but yet we are still expected to take our husbands names?

Also it’s illegal in some places for spouses to change their names, Quebec being one of them.

I've just read several very unconvincing arguments about why this is A Very Bad Thing- they all referred to "women being denied this right"- which made me question that the argument isn't really about a right.

I think anyone should be able to change their name. Thankful I don't live in Quebec.

I am proud to be married to an amazing man and take his name . I am a traditionalist, anti- woke and absolutely love being a housewife. We work together as a team

Ace. I was just curious as to how a husband in such a "traditionalist, anti-woke" marriage show that he is proud of his marital status?

I'm not too fussed about it all tbh. If people want to keep their surname or double barrel it like a European heiress then fair enough, but really it's just an old tradition and nothing more.

I mean, you could start questioning everything. Why doesn't the man wear the dress? Why are the bridesmaids female and not male, etc.

A simple, very very simple answer to your question; Love! He loves me.

That doesn't actually answer the question.

I really do not understand what you are asking? We are married, I took my husband’s name because I wanted to and I am proud of him as a man. He made no changes to his name, we discussed a double surname but I did not want that. What more do you want to know?

I married at the same age as you, 25 years ago and kept my name. I am amazed how many women still take their husbands name now, in fact I wonder if it's even more common these days?

Why do you think it’s fine that he doesn’t have to make any changes and you do? Does he not want to show off how proud he is to be a husband in the same way?

There is no way on this planet I would want my husband to take my name. We could have chosen any surname we wanted but I WANTED to take his name, I was not forced or coerced. Surely feminism is CHOICE. I chose to do the things I do because I want to. It seems to me that you all just want to gang up on me and upset me because I enjoy having my husband’s name. It feels like I am being surrounded by a pack of bullies, pickimg on me because I have a different view.

Why wouldn’t you want your husband to take your name? Nobody’s ganging up on you, just wanting to understand your point of view. Just because something is tradition/the commonly done thing doesn’t mean it’s good. Yes of course you have a choice but no choices are made completely independently. We’re all at the mercy of the societal forces around us, and some choices can hamper the advancement of feminism as a whole.

Because my Father was an abusive alcoholic ok? Now you have really upset me, is that enough for you! Thank you, I am in tears now.

I'm not sure what the 50s were truly like. The idiotic colleague might be sent back to find out.

Names: go with what works for you and is pleasing in these times. I kept both my surnames because I had eventually got used to them (cultural mash). Gave the Spanish one to the progeny who took one from DH too because they seem to go together well enough.

Wouldn't you have been a family unit if he had taken your name or does taking and choosing to carry the female name dilute this?Wonder why men never have to consider this.

My Great grandmother knew her name died with her so chose to give all her children that name.Don't worry though my Great grandfather kept his name,he was far too important and manly to take his wife's.I know so many women (under 40), that have chosen to let their names die to take a name such as Evans or Smith that are ten a penny.Taking their husbands name is seen as a badge of honour and a bragging right.

One point is that men do not need to be proud of having bagged a female to enable their lives, it is so normalised that that is what women are there for. Their real lives are to compete with other men for status. Women’s traditional badge of honour is how well they look after every one else: men’s is how much they take from everyone else.

Another point that arises there is, is feminism about choice, primarily? This is what it has become: at the same time as politics and culture placed ever more emphasis on the idea of choices dominating lives, as opposed to which choices are really open and given to different groups of people. You can’t really disentangle one such sweeping cultural movement in what passes for thought from another now. Clearly in economics and politics the move places more and more responsibility on individuals, whatever background and opportunities they had open to them, rather than on society to leave opportunities open to those of otherwise-limited means.

Originally feminism was about women’s rights. Their rights to equal status with men, their rights to have equal opportunities and equal value.

That is not demonstrated by a ‘choice’ to force the first choice on either oneself, or in a context where this will rapidly become the only correct and effectively-open social choice for all women, enforced by convention and stigma.

This is not the reason you gave originally for choosing to take another man’s name. You originally ‘chose’ to announce to the world that you did so because you loved the traditional role of women in dissolving themselves into a male-led unit, the implication being on a discussion about it that other women should follow your example.

It’s not uncommon for womens actions and choices to be determined by poor experiences at the hands of men, and many can sympathise and empathise with that.

But don’t blame other women.

Feminism is about women's liberation, not the choice to take your husband's name 🙂

Several of my family and my in-laws think this. They will not be dissuaded. Trying to disagree with them about it (like, “it’s very very kind of you to give me this cheque for my birthday, thank you so much, but the bank won’t cash it with that surname because I never changed my surname”) gets smirks and “aren’t you FUNNY!”

I think the way he thinks it works is
Woman gets married.
Woman's name is now legally her new husbands name.

This is amazing. How does he think double-barrel names work, or relationships where the husband takes the wife's name!?

I'd lose my shit with these kind of family members. I couldn't deal with it!! Makes me angry just reading about these. It's not hard to make me seethe aha.

Please explain to me how I ever implied that all women should follow my example? What name should I have taken other than a quirky surname that is my husband’s that I happen to love. I have explained why I did not want him to take my surname (yes, we did discuss that!) I am happy in my more ‘traditional role’ and that does not mean I should feel ashamed about that or ridiculed. Many of my friends have kept their surnames and that is completely their choice. I thought we were having a discussion , not trying to cancel out other views. Some MNetters obviously have a problem with different views from their own. Life is a journey and we may start on one path and end up on a different one to the one we believed would be our whole life. I am privileged to have had a very varied life, working and supporting women for many years as they undergo serious medical procedures. I took early retirement to care for relatives and now live a verydifferent but equally rewarding life. Is that so wrong?

@StarWarsisthebest2

Why didn’t you just change the name after turning 18?
Why wait until marriage to change it, if your so sad feelings tied to it?

Of course you can take your husband’s name, I don’t think anyone really cares that much, but it’s just that these threads always have women saying their last name is embarrassing, hard to spell, abusive dad, were bullied over it, yet men never seem to have these problems.
Or husband’s name is the ”family name”.

I think you started of unusually honest: old fashioned, like I said - at least you were honest.

Yes.

Also a little service I now provide on MN where possible is to point out that "woke" is a word from African American Vernacular English that denotes being alert to racial prejudice and discrimination. Being woke in this sense is obviously a good thing, and it is also a good thing to avoid using it in the negative context that has been pushed by the far right in the US.

The implication just comes from the thread matter and your extraordinarily strong protestations about pride and love. When those sort of emotions are bandied around they are usually accompanied by a subtext of what women should all be doing, otherwise we are not demonstrating sufficient love. I may be reading more in than you intended, but you haven’t chosen to answer critiques of this sex-based equivalence with rational arguments, instead trying to insinuate that you’re being bullied by the quest for reasoned answers.

I think I must be really thick, because I just don’t get what you are all saying. I said I was happy to have my husband’s name. We love each other deeply and that would be the samewhat ever name we had or if I had a different name to his. I am proud of having his name as I am proud of him. I don’t have to give you my whole life history to explain that. He is equally proud of the strong woman I am. Yes , it is an old fashioned view, but why is it wrong. What am I doing wrong then, please explain to me? I fully accept and admire any woman’s choice to take whatever name she choses. I am not better than anyone else. I am a woman with a dark painful past who has found real love with an amazing man.

I can only repeat what others have already said, that it is self-erasure and a symbol of women being property of men rather than being persons in their own right, if equal value. And to ask you again, as others have done, why men do not feel the need to change their name to create a new family unit.

Why do we not recognise descent through females, the most obvious choice? Because we don’t matter, that’s why. That’s the “choice” you’re - and I, because it’s so much of a hassle not to, because we don’t really have free choice - making, to be secondary and subsidiary to the great white male ape.