To feel like we still live in the 1950’s sometimes

107 replies

Psychgrad · 29/06/2022 11:22

I just got back to work after being married and on leave for a few days. One colleague assumed that I had changed my name and said ‘so your mrs what now?’ When I told him I’m not changing my name, he was shocked and proceeded to discuss this with me in the middle of the hospital ward (I work in a hospital) and giggled at me as if I was being silly and rebellious. He then tried to mansplain (is that how it’s spelt?) the reasons why it’s important to take your husbands name. I didn’t really have time to have a debate as I was on my way to see a patient and had really only greeted him with a big hello since I’ve been off for a few days. I feel taken aback by this comment and am annoyed that I wasn’t ready with a better argument as to why I hadn’t taken my husband’s name.I think it’s quite old fashioned and sexist that a woman has to take her husband’s name and I’m surprised that people just assume that a woman would just take their husbands name in this day and age. I’m 35, with a professional career, therefore I can make my own choices and don’t really need to explain it. Apparently I do though!! Plus the tradition of taking your husbands name comes from times where your father would ‘give you away’ to another man therefore you took his name. I didn’t have a traditional wedding, nobody gave me away. Why are we so progressive as women but yet we are still expected to take our husbands names?

OP posts:

StarWarsisthebest2 · 10/07/2022 08:42

RosaGallica · 09/07/2022 23:48

I can only repeat what others have already said, that it is self-erasure and a symbol of women being property of men rather than being persons in their own right, if equal value. And to ask you again, as others have done, why men do not feel the need to change their name to create a new family unit.

Why do we not recognise descent through females, the most obvious choice? Because we don’t matter, that’s why. That’s the “choice” you’re - and I, because it’s so much of a hassle not to, because we don’t really have free choice - making, to be secondary and subsidiary to the great white male ape.

Thank you for that explanation Rosa. I agree that in the past it was a sign of ownership. I believe that we have come a long way from there. Look at the difference between Vera Brittain and her fight to go to university and Shirley Williams attending the same college a generation later. I read a lot of Victorian literature and George Gissing’s novel The Odd Women (even though it was written by a man) looks at the impact of unmarried women having no money of their own.I found it a deeply powerful and moving novel.

StarWarsisthebest2 · 10/07/2022 08:48

Sorry RosaGallica, I did not answer you question. I do not know about other men, but my husband certainly offered to take my name. As I said before I did not want that. I had changed my name back from my exH a decade before and was more than happy for a fresh start with a new name. I agree that it needs to change; it should not be assumed that a woman has to take a mans name.

TruthHertz · 11/07/2022 19:21

RosaGallica · 09/07/2022 09:12

One point is that men do not need to be proud of having bagged a female to enable their lives, it is so normalised that that is what women are there for. Their real lives are to compete with other men for status. Women’s traditional badge of honour is how well they look after every one else: men’s is how much they take from everyone else.

Another point that arises there is, is feminism about choice, primarily? This is what it has become: at the same time as politics and culture placed ever more emphasis on the idea of choices dominating lives, as opposed to which choices are really open and given to different groups of people. You can’t really disentangle one such sweeping cultural movement in what passes for thought from another now. Clearly in economics and politics the move places more and more responsibility on individuals, whatever background and opportunities they had open to them, rather than on society to leave opportunities open to those of otherwise-limited means.

Originally feminism was about women’s rights. Their rights to equal status with men, their rights to have equal opportunities and equal value.

That is not demonstrated by a ‘choice’ to force the first choice on either oneself, or in a context where this will rapidly become the only correct and effectively-open social choice for all women, enforced by convention and stigma.

Plenty of women play it to their advantage though by working part time for most of their life and still enjoying an enviable standard of living facilitated by the husband's hard work.

Sheffieldissunny · 20/07/2022 19:50

The question is why would you take your husband's name? I did 10 years because of the kids thing and I wasn't close to my dad, but now I think why did I do that? My friend who's Chinese was confused as to why that would even be a thing, and now I tend to agree with her.

Timeforanothername · 21/07/2022 08:01

Really surprised at how many are saying they changed their name as it was the done thing 20 years ago.
My impression is that it is more common now, and remember being astonished when a friend changed her name on marriage over 30 years ago.... most weddings of people younger than my parents (now in their 80s) that I have been to have involved no name changing... but of those where the woman has taken the man's name have mostly been more recent.

SexyLittleNosferatu · 21/07/2022 10:06

Timeforanothername · 21/07/2022 08:01

I do tend to agree with this that it seems more common now. I don't know if it is related to the huge commercialisation of weddings but I see an awful lot of regular high street shops selling things like flip flops or swim costumes with "Soon To Be Mrs" and "Mrs ..." on them. Part of me thinks, ah they're just cashing in on the huge hen do trend now, but I also think we are really going backwards in terms of setting up marriage and becoming "Mrs whatever" as some sort of goal for women?

I probably haven't explained that very well. Not great with words!

Goforitnow · 03/08/2022 13:17

A good response would be, what you said in the first post, "I think it's old fashioned and sexist". It's succinct and clear. A colleague shouldn't be making such personal comments it's crossing personal boundaries. The etiquette when some one is married is to say congratulations and or was the location nice of the honeymoon, something acknowledging but impersonal.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5